Is my husband selfish - working from home?

[Kuro20]

For context my husband has a study before the lockdown and works in there. I've been working from home since April with no end in sight I started off trying to work on the kitchen table which was horrendous but after I bought a cheap desk I set up an office in our only spare room. There wasn't much room due to loads of crap and a double bed. Also the only position I could put the desk causes terrible lighting issues.
My mental health needs a boost and I wanted to change my 'office' to feel more work productive and help the lighting issue. To do this we took apart the bed and all our stuff... mainly my husband's stuff propped up against the wall. Its not great but gives me a bit more space. My husband complained and moaned the whole time making me feel awful. He wouldn't take any of his crap into his office.
He actually decided to move some of his stuff....trophies, photos, prints from his study to my room into our spare room . I said this was not fair as it's his and I don't have the space so we had an argument.
What he fails to see is that he has it easy in his office, he thinks I'm being demanding and difficult to want an office space and not take on his rubbish too.
He says I'm ridiculous and selfish
I said we both pay rent 50/50 so we potentially could share the office 50/50 which he said was impossible as it was his and always been his. My point was to highlight he has a study and hasn't once considered to share or be more understanding.

Am I being difficult? Should I accept it's HIS office/study and should I allow him to palm me off with his rubbish that he doesn't want but I don't have space for?

I don't know if I'm being difficult.
Thanks

Put a sign up on the door saying "Kuro 20's study". Then put a sign on his study door saying "TwatHusband's study".

If he doesn't take the hint, the next step is a lock on the door.

If things still sneak in, double-bin bag it all and pop it in the garden.

I've just finished clearing out a whole load of crap from our spare room. The difference to my mental state while working is amazing now I have a clear desk and floor and no boxes anywhere.

DH has the study. Tbh, I'm happy with the arrangement - spare room is palatial (bigger than our bedroom actually but no ensuite) whereas study is a tiny stuffy little room that gets unbearably hot and has mounds and mounds of boxes which we never sorted out when we moved in. I've definitely got the better end of the deal here and I quite like lounging on the bed when I'm reading long documents .

I've read all your posts and I think you sound nice but you have difficulty communicating directly what your needs are. Relationships with men are easier when you can tell them directly what you need. They understand action too, so your relationship will be easier if you avoid begging and just 'do'. If that makes sense. I think you might benefit from assertiveness training, or at least direct communication.
Do that before blaming him. He's him, you're you. Work on you first.

I do have some sympathy with him not wanting to do 50/50 as many people find it disruptive to work in a different area (although in my experience this is almost always just resistance to change and unless you have specialist equipment set up you adapt to the new space within 5 minutes). But to make a massive fuss about taking out the bed and tidying up his stuff is not on - you've been there almost a year, it's not the 'spare room' any more, it's your study! How does he not get that?!

Definitely start referring to the spare room as your study for starters and be as precious as he is. Start planning how it will be arranged and put all the unwanted stuff in spare places around the rest of the house, like a trophy in with the cups or glasses. Just make it clear they don’t belong in your study and since he didn’t want them in his you’ve ‘compromised’ with them at least staying in the house. Trophy’s are just ugly unless it’s a Brit or something!

@Guineapigbridge

I've read all your posts and I think you sound nice but you have difficulty communicating directly what your needs are. Relationships with men are easier when you can tell them directly what you need. They understand action too, so your relationship will be easier if you avoid begging and just 'do'. If that makes sense. I think you might benefit from assertiveness training, or at least direct communication. Do that before blaming him. He's him, you're you. Work on you first.

Say what?

Op tells her husband what she needs and he refuses and/or sulks. Fuck that noise.

Oh come on. You know you aren't being difficult. Stop with this fake naivety that is common on here lately.

If he won't be reasonable go your own way. Turn another room into a proper work space.

He is Dudley with his two bedrooms and you are Harry with your room under the stairs

If he has trophies on display to either remember his glory days in high school, or from winning lunchtime corporate indoor football tournament's you should put them all in a sack and beat him with them.

Oh and if there's a 'Most improved' in there he may just be the saddest person living in the UK.

Poor you, @Kuro20 he sounds awfully selfish.

I read threads like this, and no matter how hard these last 9 months have been living on my own, I think at least I'm not living with a selfish aggressive gaslighting twat

I had this exact scenario with an ex. His crap ended up in the wheelie bin. Was amusing watching him scramble to drag it onto the driveway on bin-day when he realised what I'd done.

Workspace aside, your husband is an idiot. Don't back down. You've done nothing wrong here. Keep that fire and use it - maybe when he sees that he's not going to win he'll back down, although it's likely he won't if he's used to winning all of the time.

He sounds horrible.

He's being unfair but as you say, you pay the rent 50/50 and you don't need to ask his permission, he's not your dad. There are 2 choices, the spare room becomes a store room and you share the office. Alternatively, you have an office each and keep your own belongings in there. Tell him he can have the choice but you're not willing to discuss it, if he doesn't choose then you do it for him. If you decide to take your own office then dump his belongings outside his door.

@Kuro20

NoSquirrels this is the best idea! I can swap me for the snowboard paraphernalia

I'm seething, I'm so angry.

I'm pleased and appreciate the responses as i'm clearly not being a twat and he is. It has made me mad and sad that he's doing this.

He does say I'm a princess and that he puts ups with so much and I get my own way all the time but I do feel this isn't fair. Since we've been together I feel I compromise a lot and bend to his quirks and habits.
He gets really pissy if I don't so it's easier just to go along with it
I don't have a voice and when I do I can't articulate myself
I tried to explain but he just says I'm being difficult....whilst he makes his study look like a fucking palace

He really doesn't make you happy, does he?

What is the point of him?

@Kuro20

He's said, right now he doesn't know why we're married. And I'm like meh, piss off and actually fantasising about a nice two bed flat with a plush office on my own.

Keep going with that. He sounds like a selfish, abusive gaslighting bastard.

He's being a complete and utter twat. And selfish too.

@Kuro20

Argh I was worried about posting on here because I was worried I'd get flamed so very surprised that everyone is on my side. It hadn't even occured to me to do storage, that's such a handy idea!

I'm just really upset. I can't ever reason with him im just always wrong or irrational.
If we fight it's me who is wrong and I get so fed up.
I don't know how to 'nip it in the bud'
I've even suggested counselling and he's happy to do this but we've never taken the step.
He makes himself out to be really easy going blah blah blah and he truly believes he is so level head and chilled but he's not everything has to be done his way, I feel I get pulled up on a lot of things and ALWAYS feel like he's telling me off like a child. This is why I want counselling for him to see how deeply this upsets me.
I hate to say it but his ex wife pretty much felt the same

Dead horse. Flogging

He won't change. Why does he need to?

Do not have kids with him.

Tell him to move his shit, either the spare room is yours or he shares ‘his’ study . You’re being a lot more patient with him than he deserves. Dump it all in his office if he won’t move it.

I'd give him a choice...attic or skip

Screw joint counselling.

You need therapy to help you understand why you....

Married this prick
Put up with shit
Accept being bullied
Allow him to speak to you with such disrespect.
Think you need to fix him.
Haven't realised he is a selfish prick.
Don't want more for yourself than this life.

Stop focusing on HIM and focus on sorting your own hit out.

He is a selfish twat and if you are not careful you are going to have a long miserable life with a selfish twat.

You definitely deserve more

Kuro, please leave him. This will not get better. He sounds manipulative, controlling.... this is about him wanting his own way regardless of the effect on you. You deserve better. Get out now

@Kuro20

He's said, right now he doesn't know why we're married. And I'm like meh, piss off and actually fantasising about a nice two bed flat with a plush office on my own.

Then agree with him, tell him you don't see the point either.

Tell him that his sulking isn't going to change the fact, that HE needs to move HIS crap into HIS office/stateroom/man cave or YOU will put it on ebay.

Then order whatever you need to make your office/den/girl cave into a room you love

I can assure you, a 2bdrm flat (hell, a studio) is bliss when you don't have to share it with someone constantly making you feel 'less'

How old are you?
How long have you been with him?

*21:45SunshineCake

Oh come on. You know you aren't being difficult. Stop with this fake naivety that is common on here lately.

If he won't be reasonable go your own way. Turn another room into a proper work space*

What??
Apparently I'm fake and naïve .... excuse me? This is a bizarre response.
I came on here looking for genuine, objective feedback. I didn't know if I was misreading or over reacting the situation but having seen the responses I don't think I am.

I don't know why you would come on here to be rude to me about apparently faking something? What would be my reason? Maybe I come across as a victim, not my intention

I think when a couple both work from home, one partner can't lay claim to having a study solely for their own use.

I'd be so upset if I had to work next to a dismantled bed, a snowboard and various other bits of junk when my partner had a study.

The thing is, when lockdown is over, I think most employers will try and reduce their office space. Why maintain expensive offices when people can work at home using their own broadband, heating etc? This is why your husband needs to rethink the situation, Kuro20.

Telling you that you are the one in control when actually you are not does make him sound a bit gaslighty. He should be willing to explore counselling because you have explained that there are things that make you unhappy and he seems unwilling to compromise.