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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is my husband selfish - working from home?

205 replies

Kuro20 · 06/01/2021 20:05

For context my husband has a study before the lockdown and works in there. I've been working from home since April with no end in sight I started off trying to work on the kitchen table which was horrendous but after I bought a cheap desk I set up an office in our only spare room. There wasn't much room due to loads of crap and a double bed. Also the only position I could put the desk causes terrible lighting issues.
My mental health needs a boost and I wanted to change my 'office' to feel more work productive and help the lighting issue. To do this we took apart the bed and all our stuff... mainly my husband's stuff propped up against the wall. Its not great but gives me a bit more space. My husband complained and moaned the whole time making me feel awful. He wouldn't take any of his crap into his office.
He actually decided to move some of his stuff....trophies, photos, prints from his study to my room into our spare room . I said this was not fair as it's his and I don't have the space so we had an argument.
What he fails to see is that he has it easy in his office, he thinks I'm being demanding and difficult to want an office space and not take on his rubbish too.
He says I'm ridiculous and selfish
I said we both pay rent 50/50 so we potentially could share the office 50/50 which he said was impossible as it was his and always been his. My point was to highlight he has a study and hasn't once considered to share or be more understanding.

Am I being difficult? Should I accept it's HIS office/study and should I allow him to palm me off with his rubbish that he doesn't want but I don't have space for?

I don't know if I'm being difficult.
Thanks

OP posts:
GoldfishParade · 06/01/2021 20:51

What else have you had to compromise on?

Oreservoir · 06/01/2021 20:51

Let him keep his jolly study and perhaps loosen the door handle so he gets locked in when you’re out for an hour at the supermarket.

NoSquirrels · 06/01/2021 20:53

Also, Kuro - put it in writing. Take a bit of time to send an email that properly expresses how he is making you feel. I know a lot of people would think this cold or whatever, but it really helps my DH and I if we are stuck in one of those arguments where you feel you are truly talking at cross purposes or too "emotional" to express yourself.

stovetopespresso · 06/01/2021 20:54

male privilege innit, thinking everything's ok if its ok for them and not realising others around them count for something. maybe write him a letter? there's 2 things here, what he needs to do and his underlying attitude

GlitterBiscuits · 06/01/2021 20:54

Is he a prat in any other ways?
It seems blinding obviously that you get a room each to me.

stovetopespresso · 06/01/2021 20:55

@NoSquirrels great minds...

Wiredforsound · 06/01/2021 20:55

He’s being a dick. Why on earth does he think that you shouldn’t be allowed to do your job in comfort, in the same way that he gets to do his? You clearly have the space for two offices and right now you need two offices more than you need an office and a room full of crap with a cheap desk in an uncomfortable corner.

oakleaffy · 06/01/2021 20:56

@LoveMyKidsAndCats

Race him to the study in the morning.
😂

I utterly sympathise with OP though.

toolazytothinkofausername · 06/01/2021 20:56

“I'm just really upset. I can't ever reason with him”

I couldn’t be with someone under those circumstances. LTB!!!

Tal45 · 06/01/2021 20:57

Don't pay for the storage yourself though!! I'd give counselling a go if I were you, our counsellor was very good at explaining to OH that he was absolutely in the wrong when required. Make sure you get someone who is properly qualified and experienced though x

oakleaffy · 06/01/2021 20:57

@Oreservoir

Let him keep his jolly study and perhaps loosen the door handle so he gets locked in when you’re out for an hour at the supermarket.
😂

Now that is a great idea.

Or lock it quietly from the outside if it has a key.

GoldfishParade · 06/01/2021 20:58

I think theres a much bigger problem here than the study

EggBobbin · 06/01/2021 20:58

Ha- yeah it would be a shame if the heater in his study broke, or the lightbulb went and there weren’t any others in the house...

Longdistance · 06/01/2021 20:58

He’s like a dog marking his territory.
Grab his crap and put it in his office, if it resurfaces in your office chuck it down the stairs full pelt. Sorted.

Ellie56 · 06/01/2021 20:59

After your update it is very clear that your so called "D"H is a selfish controlling twat.

Don't put up with his crap. Do yourself a favour, take a leaf out of the EW's book and dump him and the snowboard.

He won't change. They never do.

GoldfishParade · 06/01/2021 20:59

It sounds to me OP like he doesnt listen to you and when you do voice your feelings he shouts you down and makes you feel hysterical or irrational, like he's Mr Relaxed and easy going, and you're a whiny mentalist.

I've been there. It doesn't feel good. You end up having to suppress so much of your real selfm

arethereanyleftatall · 06/01/2021 21:00

You don't have to stay with him op. It isn't mandatory. And certainly not without dc.

FluffyLamkins · 06/01/2021 21:01

Agree with NoSquirrels.
He’s an entitled prick. My DH has such tendencies as well so you need to be clear and strong.

I’d agree that counselling may be a good idea to work through some of this. My DH was told by a counsellor that he was needy and could do with 1:1 counselling for his issues (not in as many words) but it helped with other things to have another perspective. Your account of him calling you a princess sounds like gaslighting to make you doubt your own perspective.

Heyahun · 06/01/2021 21:02

Jeez what an arse!

My husband and I have to share an open plan living kitchen area in a tiny 1 bed flat! We have one desk with a proper set up of an extra screen, mouse, keyboard etc - and then we have the kitchen table -we are literally on top of each other.

We’ve been sharing - one of us used the table and just our laptop, and when we have bigger things to be getting on with we take the desk space - it’s not ideal but at least it a fair and it does end up sometimes one of us gets up early to get a few bits done and then we swap the space over !

I’d think he was a right dickhead if he kept the bloody desk to himself all day!

oakleaffy · 06/01/2021 21:03

@Kuro20

Argh I was worried about posting on here because I was worried I'd get flamed so very surprised that everyone is on my side. It hadn't even occured to me to do storage, that's such a handy idea!

I'm just really upset. I can't ever reason with him Sad im just always wrong or irrational.
If we fight it's me who is wrong and I get so fed up.
I don't know how to 'nip it in the bud'
I've even suggested counselling and he's happy to do this but we've never taken the step.
He makes himself out to be really easy going blah blah blah and he truly believes he is so level head and chilled but he's not everything has to be done his way, I feel I get pulled up on a lot of things and ALWAYS feel like he's telling me off like a child. This is why I want counselling for him to see how deeply this upsets me.
I hate to say it but his ex wife pretty much felt the same Shock

The last sentence.

Read it again, OP.

And then again...

My ex is now on third wife...and he hasn't changed at all...In fact, seems to have got worse!

Maybe leave??

SnailortheWhale · 06/01/2021 21:03

Your partner is horrible, he treats you badly and unfairly and doesn’t care about your needs or how it makes you feel. You’re unable to talk to him properly about it because he makes you feel like crap. He doesn’t make you happy and he doesn’t care about that.

Workspace aside, why are you with this man? Really, why?

stealthbanana · 06/01/2021 21:05

I don’t even understand why he’s being a dick. You have (effectively) two spare rooms. A study and what was a spare room. Now they are both offices. You both put your own stuff into your own offices. How is this controversial?

OP is he normally so unreasonable?

If I were you I would use the snowboard as a desk. As soon as he sees that he’ll freak and take it back.

GreenLeafTurnip · 06/01/2021 21:05

If he was my husband all his crap would end up in the bin. But that's just me.

Fluffyhairforever · 06/01/2021 21:06

Any time something is left out and not put away in a reasonable place in the house, I place it in my husband's wardrobe. I do this every single day. There is a massive pile of stuff. You could do that; but rather than the cupboard put everything in the study. Every single thing.

astuz · 06/01/2021 21:06

My DH has a tendency to spread his crap everywhere if I'm not careful. From very early on, when we first started living together, anything of his that is not where it should be just gets dumped in his study. I don't talk to him about it, I don't argue with him, I just do it