Is my husband selfish - working from home?

[Kuro20]

For context my husband has a study before the lockdown and works in there. I've been working from home since April with no end in sight I started off trying to work on the kitchen table which was horrendous but after I bought a cheap desk I set up an office in our only spare room. There wasn't much room due to loads of crap and a double bed. Also the only position I could put the desk causes terrible lighting issues.
My mental health needs a boost and I wanted to change my 'office' to feel more work productive and help the lighting issue. To do this we took apart the bed and all our stuff... mainly my husband's stuff propped up against the wall. Its not great but gives me a bit more space. My husband complained and moaned the whole time making me feel awful. He wouldn't take any of his crap into his office.
He actually decided to move some of his stuff....trophies, photos, prints from his study to my room into our spare room . I said this was not fair as it's his and I don't have the space so we had an argument.
What he fails to see is that he has it easy in his office, he thinks I'm being demanding and difficult to want an office space and not take on his rubbish too.
He says I'm ridiculous and selfish
I said we both pay rent 50/50 so we potentially could share the office 50/50 which he said was impossible as it was his and always been his. My point was to highlight he has a study and hasn't once considered to share or be more understanding.

Am I being difficult? Should I accept it's HIS office/study and should I allow him to palm me off with his rubbish that he doesn't want but I don't have space for?

I don't know if I'm being difficult.
Thanks

I would take every bloody thing that He doesn’t want but puts in your room, and I’d chuck it out of the window. If it is of any use he can retrieve it from the garden. Or it stays there. What a twat he is.

Oh & counselling. As others have said, if you go for that idea, go on your own. He won't change & some counsellors are so shit he'll come out thinking he's right.

Does he earn a lot more than you or are your earnings pretty equal?

I would take everything you don’t want in your room and put it outside his study door, hopefully your block his only exit out the room.

@NoSquirrels

He's an absolute wankbadger.

I don't know how to explain to him he's being a twat.

Don't bother. Take the snowboard into the office and prop it up artfully against his desk.

Or put it on your side of the bed and sleep on the sofa.

Or put it on his side of the bed and tell him to sleep on the sofa.

@Kuro20

*21:45SunshineCake

Oh come on. You know you aren't being difficult. Stop with this fake naivety that is common on here lately.

If he won't be reasonable go your own way. Turn another room into a proper work space*

What??
Apparently I'm fake and naïve .... excuse me? This is a bizarre response.
I came on here looking for genuine, objective feedback. I didn't know if I was misreading or over reacting the situation but having seen the responses I don't think I am.

I don't know why you would come on here to be rude to me about apparently faking something? What would be my reason? Maybe I come across as a victim, not my intention

There are a lot of people who post, just to generate a lot of 'oh he's terrible, you're wonderful' replies, so I can see the posters point, BUT you come across as really genuine and ground down Don't pick the odd post that stands out like a sore thumb, to focus on.

@nettie434

The thing is, when lockdown is over, I think most employers will try and reduce their office space. Why maintain expensive offices when people can work at home using their own broadband, heating etc? This is why your husband needs to rethink the situation

I don't disagree that home offices will be needed fir a long time

BUT.

It's NIT why her DH needs to rethink the situation. He needs to rethink his entire fucking attitude towards her because he's a selfish, manipulative, wanker.

Send him an email telling him you are claiming the spare room as YOUR office ASAP and he has 2 days to clear it out or you are taking it all to the dump or selling on eBay
Don’t take this shite from him

It is so obvious to be YANBU and it is frustrating to see another man throwing his weight around when you are a woman who is strong by the virtue of being you. That's the point.

YABU for the fact you have a kitchen big enough for a table, a spare room for a study AND a spare bedroom and you’re moaning.

I know lots of people are better off than others but this thread is in poor taste when so many people are juggling wfh and home-schooling.

Like many, I do not have any of these things and today whilst my DCs were doing remote learning the teacher was sat on the floor because she lives in a studio flat so has no room for a desk and isn’t allowed to show her bedroom on video.

Both DH and I have been working from home since the end of March. Before working from home, we had a study with a desk which DH occasionally used. At the start of the pandemic, I was working at the dining table and DH was in the study. I don’t really like the study, so on the odd occasion I worked from home before the pandemic I would sit at the dining table.

By June, my back was really starting to hurt. I still didn’t like the study but DH offered to swap the study with me. About a week after IKEA reopened, we drove out there (it’s over an hour to our closest IKEA), bought a desk, chair and monitor stand. Together we discussed where my desk space would go and together we cleared that space. I’m working where we previously had a bookshelf and the bookshelf has moved into the study. We both cleared some room in the study for the bookshelf to go in there. It meant we both had to get rid of stuff to make space for both of us to work comfortably and properly. As it happens, the bookshelf in the study makes the study look a lot better and my desk where it is makes the living room look better as it’s using some dead space. Your DH absolutely should be looking to move some of his stuff or get rid of it. He’s being a real twat that he isn’t allowing you to be comfortable at work. Have your work sent you DSE assessments/work space risk assessments to do at home? If so, I’d do that and point out that it’s a health and safety risk to be working in somewhere so cluttered. Or start dumping his stuff on his desk every morning.

Can you be up before him and beat him to the computer in the office? He can't work there if you're already there!

Ignore @toocold54 - it is is not "poor taste" to want equal treatment in your own relationship and home.

This goes beyond not being considerate of your need for a decent working space to actually deliberately trying to inconvenience you.
Do you have any other storage space? If so all his shit goes in there tomorrow, if not it goes in plastic outside. Make the spare room your work space, do whatever you need to make it practical and workable. Do not listen to his bullshit.

@NoSquirrels

He's an absolute wankbadger.

I don't know how to explain to him he's being a twat.

Don't bother. Take the snowboard into the office and prop it up artfully against his desk.

Or put it on your side of the bed and sleep on the sofa.

Best. Insult. Ever.

Definitely saving that one for my repertoire.

I'm known for being head strong and assertive (I'm actually very sensitive on the inside) no one would think the dynamic of our relationship was actually him in control, no one would believe me.

You don’t know it, but it’s confident women that gaslighting gits get the most kick out of bringing down. You’ve got a vulnerability (“You’re so hard on yourself/such a perfectionist”) that you’ve mostly overcome in your life or turned to your advantage so that people don’t see you that way ... but he knows it’s there, because you trusted him with it, and now he’s working to undermine you. It happens a lot. Sometimes they’re not even conscious of doing it.

Anyway - if he’s a good guy, he’ll back down in the end. If he’s not - well, this is what he’s like to you in the middle of a pandemic when you’re already feeling low and there’s plenty of living space but he can’t compromise without calling you names and sulking...

He's said, right now he doesn't know why we're married. And I'm like meh, piss off and actually fantasising about a nice two bed flat with a plush office on my own.

Too right you should agree with him and tell him to piss off.

You could ask him first what he means by that, though?

What does he think marriage is? Does he think it’s “All that I am I share with you, including my fucking trophies and snowboard and you should be glad of it”? Or does he think it’s “All that I am I share with you, including an equal proportion of the living space and equal respect for each other’s needs, careers and emotional well-being”?

Stay strong.

@toocold54

YABU for the fact you have a kitchen big enough for a table, a spare room for a study AND a spare bedroom and you’re moaning.

I know lots of people are better off than others but this thread is in poor taste when so many people are juggling wfh and home-schooling.

Like many, I do not have any of these things and today whilst my DCs were doing remote learning the teacher was sat on the floor because she lives in a studio flat so has no room for a desk and isn’t allowed to show her bedroom on video.

Oh piss off. It’s not a thread about other people’s working from home issues. It’s a husband being an arsehole to his wife.

OP do you have a garage or a shed? You need to box up the stuff and move it. You need to tell him that the spare room is now your room. If you don't want to be so harsh then the crap will have to be in the shared bedroom or living room. He needs to deal with it.

He’s being a twat and obviously thinks his work is more important than yours. Get rid of the spare bed, buy a sofa bed, give him his stuff back and turn it into your room to work.

If the spare bedroom is bigger then under normal circumstances I’d let him store some things in there but as he’s being a cunt I’d put every last thing of his in his office and tell him that if it makes its way into the spare room again it’s going in a skip.

This.

We have a small office that husband mentioned a few times as ‘his’ I told him we’d adjust the bills to reflect ‘his extra space’. He also tried to say housework was ‘a hobby’, he now knows to carefully think! As it turns out he ended up having the office due to the equipment he requires, I had it for about weeks. In the spare room I now have a desk as I need two screens, we got a day bed that turns into a double to free up space. The office is at the warm sunny side of the house and DH does offer to swap but he needs the larger desk.as soon as he goes back (which I suspect will be before me) I will be back in THE office room, not his office.

Tell him he should pay more for the extra two rooms he’s effectively using. Move into the study by stealth and he can sit in the spare room surrounded by his crap.

He sounds very like my arse of an ex who I wasted far too many years with .

He will not change, he is a selfish arse, he will always come first and you a very poor second. Don't have kids with him FGS. He is not king of the world. Go and find your happy x

@bestoption

Agree that it's not just about the office space. You just put it more firmly than I did in the next part of my post

Definitely find your own place.

@Kuro20

He's said, right now he doesn't know why we're married. And I'm like meh, piss off and actually fantasising about a nice two bed flat with a plush office on my own.

call his bluff, tell him you feel the same your life could be blissful & peaceful , why are you putting up with this shit?

Box it all up and store it in the garage or shed, or put in the loft as he obviously doesn’t want to see them any longer, or they would be in his study

Why has it taken so long to make this room into another office ?