To think DH likes his sister in law

[dotgis]

I've lost sleep over this. But I think my husband likes his brothers wife. We have get togethers with the four of us and it has recently hit me that this might be true. I confronted him when we're drunk and he didn't deny it but just said she has been in his family a long time and he just respects her. But my gut is telling me something else.....

I'm sorry you're going through this. You have said your gut is usually right. It's not just your gut telling you what's wrong. It's clearly his behaviour.

This is a bit weird. I wss all ready to say you were being insecure, but the sending you for drinks thing is really horrible.

It's also strange that he's going quiet and apologising rather than being all "wtf, you think I fancy Sharon?"

When I was in my late teens, I knew two brothers, and brother 1 unwittingly got together with the girl brother 2 had been obsessed with for about two or three years. The whole situation was really odd, the brothers were in the same friendship group and school, so they spent all their time together, with this girl, and even ended up all going to the same local university. I'm nearly sure they flatshared for a while too.

You'd see them about, and brother 2 with the unrequited love would just be panting along after his big brother and this girl that absolutely everyone knew he was obsessed with.

They all seemed to get on OK though. I mean his feelings were obvious, the brother and girl definitely knew. It was weird, but something about the dynamic worked for them I suppose.

At a guess, in hindsight, I'd say Brother 1 was the leader and the one in charge, the girl liked having the two of them running after her, and brother 2 was one of those men who preferred having an unobtainable, ideal dream woman in his life, rather than having to get to grips with a real adult relationship

Last I heard the couple were still together after university, not sure what happened or how it all played out, but I could see it ending up in this sort of scenario, as my friend used to point out, who would want to be brother 2's girlfriend coming into that!

He doesn't go anywhere with me. I can't remember the last time he actually wanted to go anywhere. I get it, he gets excited to spend time with his family but they Iive 2 mins away and he sees them on a daily basis.

Even if I go somewhere with him, he stays quiet the whole time and wants to come back home. I've confronted him about this but he keeps saying no all is ok, you're paranoid.

Doesn't help when I'm also the main breadwinner and he just sits on his butt the whole day thinking some miracle will happen or his business will bloom one day. There are also other underlying issues as I've told him many times to get a job even if part time to earn something but he would rather listen to his friends or cousins than do what I suggest. It's been nearly 3 years where he has not had a job. But I am still supporting him and giving him time to do what he wants. To do all that and get nothing back and on top feel like he fancies someone e else really hurts.

God, he sounds utterly useless. Based on that update, I'd dump him

Why are you supporting this waste of space?

He sounds like a user tbh...

It might not be as bad as you think, OP. People spark on different levels. I've often connected with people who have a similar sense of humour; one was my former BIL, who reminded me so much of my own DB that I would drift without realising it into over-familiar behaviour. One day I saw his wife looking at me oddly and realised how I might be coming across.
It's a constant male/female problem; the rapport might be quite innocent, yet onlookers jump to the conclusion that there's a sexual attraction. It's not always the case. (Very rarely in mine.) Your DH, when talking to SIL, might be unconsciously reminded of his own sisters.

Just read your update, OP. Yes, he needs to get a job, not just chat with family members who enable him and make him feel good!

I think it sounds like he has an unrequited crush.

@ReallySpicyCurry

God, he sounds utterly useless. Based on that update, I'd dump him

I was thinking the same.

SIL is a red herring and doesn't really matter.
It is his total lack of care for you and his ability magically "care" and "bother" for another person is the key issue. You are right to feel aggrieved.

I think the fancying your sil is confusing the issue. As long as its harmless, and he isnt acting on it then their relationship is a red herring

What seems to be the issue is his relationship with you. He isnt working, and you dont feel he enjoys or wants to spend any time with you or respects your opinion. It's about working on your relationship together and if that is worth saving.

I get you OP, my DP fancied a mutual friend of ours, I never confronted him but did make small jokes about it, he always denied he fancied her. But i knew, i just knew, things he said and did, his actions to her spoke volumes to me, small things but i knew the intention behind them.

Last year caught them both having an EA, DP was laying the groundwork to get into her knickers, still denied he fancied her, saying they were just friends. Yes because changing her name in your phone to his surname e.g Mrs Smith, is what he does to all female friends - NOT.

Not saying your husband will ever do that, but when you know, you just know.

@groovergirl

Just read your update, OP. Yes, he needs to get a job, not just chat with family members who enable him and make him feel good!

I agree with that. It sounds as though you have quite a tough life with him.

I don’t think from what you’ve said here there’s much to go on. The discussion about who went to get drinks sounds as though he wasn’t thinking and was embarrassed when he realised he’d asked you to do something he felt unsafe for her—after all you didn’t actually go, did you? Stuff that happened when everyone was drunk isn’t the best to make big decisions on.

I’m not a great fan of “always trust your gut” as that can go badly wrong—I’ve known friends whose “gut” feeling was disastrously wrong—so I’d take a step back. It’s ok for him to like her, as you like her and like his brother. He knows now you feel unsure about his interest so if you notice behaviour from now on that concerns you address it. If his behaviour is fine then things can recover.

I’m afraid it sounds like he doesn’t like you very much and is just relying on you for financial support.
I don’t think you’re getting much out of this relationship.

I think you are right, he has a crush on her. Your update is confirmation that there is something really off with your relationship. He isn’t pulling his weight & his affections are directed towards someone else.
Only you can decide what to do about it.

@Sinful8 'Everyone on MN is required to hate their MIL.
I agree, but there are a lot of hate threads directed at SILs as well including the one with the classic title thread, Why Are All SILs Bitches, which garnered lots of anecdotes and support until someone pointed out that if you had a SIL, you were also a SIL.
So many posters on MN are closet misogynists ( or not so closet).

For some reason, there is a lot of drip-feeding /confusion going on here @dotgis? This may be unintentional you wouldn't be the first to suddenly be enlightened about issues in your marriage within AIBU but perhaps have a think about that. It seems there are bigger issues here.

Ugh, based on your update I can't really see what you're getting out of this marriage.

He doesn't work, he relies on you for money, he doesn't want to spend time with you, only his brother and SIL - what IS there in that for you?

Would it be so bad to get rid of him? I know you get on well with your SIL but is it worthy it?

Its a pity your married to this man. He sits on his ass whilst you work, doesnt appear to respect you but clearly wont want to lose his cash cow.Time for you not to focus on the SIL, you have bigger issues to focus on like what your getting from this relationship which doesnt appear to be very much.

The problem is his relationship with you.
He probably feels emasculated as you are the one working and bringing in the money. You don’t have any kids, so what the fuck is he doing all day? He doesn’t even make you feel good
Tbh , the SIl is the least of your problems.
It is your lazy, deluded husband.

Sorry to hear this. Pretty heartbreaking for everyone tbh....no winners in this at all. I’d confront more firmly....ask him what these feelings are exactly? Try and get to the bottom of it. Wonder if the brothers noticed anything? You might want to ask him casually if he’s noticed that they seem to ‘get on’ particularly well???

Listen to your gut it sounds like he has a crush or a higher level of respect towards her. He may admire her or fancy her either one he is disrespectful you acting like an excited teen.
Not sure there is much you can do about it.

There is a much bigger picture here.

Are you starting to see it?

@RoganJosh

I’m afraid it sounds like he doesn’t like you very much and is just relying on you for financial support. I don’t think you’re getting much out of this relationship.

This^

She’s not the issue.
And why are you mixing daily with others in lockdown? Stop seeing them and start talking about your relationship. What you want (a man who works hard and values and respects you) and what you intend to do if that’s not who you’re married to.
Woman up and know your own worth.