To think DH likes his sister in law

[dotgis]

I've lost sleep over this. But I think my husband likes his brothers wife. We have get togethers with the four of us and it has recently hit me that this might be true. I confronted him when we're drunk and he didn't deny it but just said she has been in his family a long time and he just respects her. But my gut is telling me something else.....

Not caught up on the thread, but people will always have 'in jokes' with family, siblings, and long-term friends. If you try to stifle that and make it all about you, then you are BU. But, on the other hand, maybe they are being dicks to you a bit.

That's why mumsnet isn't the place to seriously get nuanced information, because posters might think totally differently if they witnessed it in real life.

Maybe speak up her husband about it? Cut contact for a bit?

It seems to me that the problem is not so much how he is with her, which seems no more than he likes her (likes in the normal sense, not loves or is attracted to).
Its his lack of interest in you that seems to be the problem?
Do you think this is the case?

Like, my mum has been an absolute bullying tyrant to my dad for as long as I can remember (still is).

I called her out on it in my early 20s as I was sick of it (he'd been recently diagnosed with a heart problem), and she said something along the lines of "bet he hasn't told you his dirty little secret".

I was convinced for years that he'd had an affair and it really shook my belief in everything I thought knew. I almost didn't want to know. However, in another argument it came out that it was actually a betting account where he'd bet the occasional tenner on a horse race. 😂

She was just furious that he'd 'rebelled' and done something without her permission (probably because he knew what her reaction would be). And of course she would think nothing of spending money whenever she wanted, despite barely contributing to the family finances by choosing to work only two half days a week in order to live a life of relative leisure

But I'll bet she could spin a pretty decent story on here about him being a 'financially abusive' gambler etc.

Not at all saying that I don't believe you, OP. Just that these threads are meaningless without knowing the parties involved. Don't base your life decisions on the opinions of strangers who don't know you or the situation.

So what I'm hearing here is that he doesn't want to do things with you alone, only if your SIL is there as well (I'm guessing his brother isn't a requirement either? Or is he? This actually matters)

He responds to suggestions from her when he won't listen to you, and he asks you to do things that he wouldn't let her do.

All of this says that he neither values nor respects you as much as her. He doesn't want to spend time out with just you - so I'm going to ask the difficult question now, does he get bored easily with just you? Or are you a bit "tricky" in terms of where to go, what to do etc? You're probably not but it's got to be considered.

Yeah, trust your instincts. You said you saw him checking her out. I'd be fucking livid about that alone, never mind the rest. He needs to yank his head out of his arse and stop acting like an infatuated teenager. I do think the other couple are already aware too, but too embarrassed to say anything. Good luck.

@MrsTerryPratchett

He once asked me very late at night to fetch him drinks (we were all a bit drunk) but when she volunteered to go with me, he said no she can stay as it's late and not safe. It's ok for me to go but not her ?????

That one would make me sad and a bit angry. Two women together are safer than one so it sounds like either he doesn't care about your safety or he wanted her to hang out with him. Neither is great.

This would annoy the hell out of me, too.

It implies that his own Wife is capable of thwacking a ne'er do well over the head with her handbag, but S/il is a delicate flower whop must be protected at all costs..
Plus, SIL staying means he gets her on her own...

Maybe I too am being 'Paranoid' 😂

@dotgis

Yes I did. He took it lightly and said she is like his sister, I said to him that my gut feeling tells me something is wrong, then he was quiet. He hugged me and said he was sorry.

That’s worrying. Do you have children? You don’t deserve to be playing second fiddle to someone else in such a blatant way. Although bear in mind a lot of this might not be about her at all, and may be a consequence of sibling rivalry

The question is - what do you do about it.

I wonder if you could flag it up in future when with them, he watches her too closely - you say stop oggling DH, she's your sil!

Or do you mention to DBIL that DH fancies her?
He doesn't seem to respect your views so you telling him to stop the lusting won't work I don't think.

How would it be if you saw less of the couple? Do both couples have children or none. Because DCs would mean less time for socialising together as a foursome.

You could tell the DBil DSil and say because of this you won't be seeing them so much.

I think your right

This sounds really hurtful, but has your mind started to work in overdrive? That every little thing you will notice and it amplifies into a million meanings. Itl drive u mad!
Has she done a lot for his family/been there for him in the past? Sometimes that can create a respect of another kind.
. Id probably see her only if i had to i.e. family events and give him no reason to spend time with her as it just hurts u. It sounds crazy but if ur losing sleep id be doing all i can. My sleep is very important to me.
In the times hes hurt u did u not show him how pissed off and upset u were? The incident he sent u alone id probably have seperated from him or got a taxi home and not gone back to show him how upset u were.
In the time period u spend less time around her u might need to re-evaluate ur marriage seems like there isnt a lot of trust between u two. U guys need to focus on building a strong relationship.
It seems like u let him get away with his behaviour and he therefore thinks its ok to do and say anything to u without considering how you are feeling. U need to set the bar higher. Orelse most men will just think ah she'l b fine.

@dotgis

I mean he listens to her. She convinced him to try something (I spent many years trying to convince him but he wouldn't). If he finds out that I'm going somewhere with her, he would go (but I'm going alone he wouldn't come with me). He once asked me very late at night to fetch him drinks (we were all a bit drunk) but when she volunteered to go with me, he said no she can stay as it's late and not safe. It's ok for me to go but not her ????? The fact that I confronted him and he didn't deny

To me, this implies that your gut feeling is right. Unless you misunderstood what he said, as you were all a bit drunk? Is this possible?

It sounds as if there is a definite preference there.

It sounds like you spend a lot of time getting drunk. Maybe if there was less of that, there would be less of him apparently favouring her and you being suspicious. Think about it, would he really actually cheat on you with his brother's wife? This isn't Eastenders and for most people that is a line not to be crossed. I assume he likes his brother.

When you questioned him he said he was sorry, probably didn't realise how he came across.

I don't think he's done anything wrong (except the shop thing but not giving a shit about you is the issue there, not liking her).

I have this kind of affectionate relationship with a couple of members of my family: I get excited to see them, enjoy their company and feel energised afterwards. This isn't the case with most family members including my parents and siblings.

They happen to be of the same sex in my case. Whilst I'm usually cautious of opposite sex friendships, I don't think that applies within families.

Of course he is going to be more excited about seeing someone he hasn't seen in a while and making the most of the time together than someone he lives with and sees every day. That's normal.

Unless you've got evidence they are shagging, I'd try to stop being jealous. There's no point in confronting him over whether he likes her or finds her attractive. So what if he does? It's not going to make you feel better.

Going by the recent confession thread, lots of people fancy their bol so I’m guessing lots fancy their sil too.

Bil not bol

I have a wonderful relationship with his brother and sister in law so I don't want to ruin that. But at the same time, there is something and I can't quite put my finger on it

I think you just have

It's not about SIL. It seems like your DH is not very interested in you.

Why don’t the two of you do anything fun together? It sounds like he’s not that interested in your relationship

I mean I always knew that he respected her a lot as someone pointed out that she may have done a lot for their family. But my issue is not with that as hats off to her but with the fact that he did not deny if he felt something for her. On top, the same night when I confronted him, he had the nerve to tell me that his brother put his arm around me to make me feel better (I had been upset as there was a death in the family). The other issue is (which I didn't mention before) that his brother has been interested in other women (wife doesn't know) and maybe he now feels that he might finally get the opportunity to be with her.

We have no children and neither do they which makes things a whole lot easier.

I have been in a similar situation but it was more the case of my DH valued everyone's opinion, everyone's company, over mine, where once I had been everything to him.

An example - four of us in the car, he was driving us somewhere (before sat nav). He couldn't remember the way, neither could the other two people. I could remember it though, and told him. He didn't go the way I said, we got lost. Eventually we found the place exactly where I said it was. He would rather get lost than take any notice of what I said. It was a sign that he had completely gone off me and we are now divorced so he got lost for good

This sounds like "familiarity breeds contempt". You're there every day, meh. She has new ideas. Doesn't mean he has anything dodgy going on, he's just being a bit disrespectful.

@jessstan1

It sounds like you spend a lot of time getting drunk. Maybe if there was less of that, there would be less of him apparently favouring her and you being suspicious. Think about it, would he really actually cheat on you with his brother's wife? This isn't Eastenders and for most people that is a line not to be crossed. I assume he likes his brother.

When you questioned him he said he was sorry, probably didn't realise how he came across.

What on earth are you basing that on? Two anecdotes? Honestly, this place...