Another fucking expensive jacket

[bendybeep]

Is this a non issue? DP has bought himself a new jacket.

For background I work in a clinical role in the NHS, he works for a private company. He earns more than me but has a genrally lower stress job and owns our house. I have decent personal savings as does he, so money is no issue.

He told me this evening he bought an expensive jacket ( hundreds of pounds but tbh I didn't want to know exact cost). This is a particular sore point as he has around 40 jackets. He wears about 3 of them, yet keeps buying more. It's like a compulsion and I think it's a huge waste of money and not great for the environment (although he never throws any away). I'm just not materialistic at all really, yet he clearly is.

Turns out he got a £5k bonus(!!!) And decided to spend a decent chunk of this on something frivolous. He was practically giddy telling me about the purchase, but I am less them impressed. AIBU to be pissed off at how he spends his money?! It just seems so selfish/short sighted/tacky(can't think of right word) to be doing this in the midst of a pandemic when people are losing jobs, unable to work, losing loved ones etc etc.

Maybe I am just jealous as obviously have never had a bonus in my life working for NHS, underpaid, overworked etc. But im not too bothered about having the money- i am a saver! And people losing their jobs and businesses atm just makes me feel so

I think he's in his own sort of world with money and doesn't understand how things are for the vast majority of people having never had to worry about money and enough disposable income to whatever he likes with. I am probably just being overly sensitive.

Please tell me IABU and he can spend his money however he likes...

@Plmoknijb123

YABU. It’s his money, you don’t have the right to judge or decide what he should buy or what is a worthwhile spend. It’s very controlling.

Whilst it is his money, it says an awful lot about a person if they put greater priority on themselves than they do their partner and are happy to splash out on something they already have 49 of, rather than thinking a bit more carefully about how that comes across. It's sticking two fingers up and saying I'm alright Jack, I've got a nice house and now I can treat myself with my nice fat bonus. Deeply unpleasant, but maybe I have a high bar!

Is he opening a jacket museum or something?

SeasonFinale

I didn't suggest he couldn't spend his money on what he wanted, just that he sounds very greedy and materialistic which I would find deeply unattractive.

We are free to do any things that others dislike, it doesn't mean we can't have opinions.

OP's DH is a shopping addict - like millions of others - who imagines that another purchase will buy him happiness. It's foolish and tragic, and it's extremely common.

I think it's more a case of different spending habits that's frustrating you. I'm a saver, my boyfriend is a spender and an impulsive one at that, it pisses me off but I've had to take a step back and try not to judge. As long as he stumps up his share of the bills and food is in the cupboard then what can I say. I won't marry him though, not a chance I'd be financially connected to him 🤷‍♂️

A woman may well have forty pairs of shoes if they add up all the different types they own

I think that’s insane too.

Why are pre-nups being mentioned? They aren’t enforceable in the UK. The marital contract supercedes everything, previous wills even I believe. you need a pre-nup you’d probably be better off not getting married.

@daisychain01

Irs his bonus money its not from his they pay check for. And where is he not providing? Op says they both have savings and both contribute 50% to bills.

End of the days is bonus money earned from hitting targets or performance, money that might now have been given. I use my bonus money to splurge on stuff I wouldn't normally buy from my regular monthly.

End of the day he earned that money and if he is contributing and saving his fair share what he then does with additional money is his business

There is talk of I couldn't be with a man with thise values etc. Well I wouldn't want to be with a partner who comes on a forum and bitches and moans about me even if it is anonymous

He owns a house , you dont. You both have savings. He likes to buy himself things , you say you don't because you are a saver .
What are you saving for ?
Some people are just savers , with no real end game, they just like the feeling of having money behind him. If that's your thing - fine nothing wrong in that, it's where you get your pleasure. His are jackets .

@NiceandCalm

Sorry, I think it's vulgar and couldn't respect someone with that many jackets.

😂😂😂😂😂

I'm not saying I should have a say in what happens with the money- I just wish he could realise for himself he doesn't need another bloody jacket!!!!!

In your opinion.

He wanted one so he bought one 🤷‍♀️ None of your business, really.

why does he need to be careful with his money just because other people are struggling? That doesn't make sense

@Miramour

I couldn't live with someone or probably even be friends with someone who was so materialistic or greedy so yeah, I get it OP. Selfishness is deeply unattractive.

What’s greedy about working full time and treating yourself. It’s not like he’s bought all the jackets in the word leaving everyone else to freeze to death.

Can the same be said for women with loads of shoes, dresses, tops, make up, skin care products

It would have been even nicer if he'd donate money obviously doesn't need to a food bank - but it's his money, and I admit that if I had ever got a bonus, I'd probably have had a weekend away or something (pre-covid) and wouldn't have given a thought to others.

Who's to say that he doesn't already support charity, or that he won't treat OP to dinner or a holiday? You're all assuming that he spent all the money on the jacket he got 5k.

I personally would not have 40 jackets, but it's his money to spend as he likes adn I agree, if it were a man's post about a female DP buying things, she likes with her own money, they'd get a real flaming.

I don’t think a home should have a say in how someone spends their money unless it’s money that should have paid bills. It’s his money, he got a bonus and treated himself to something nice. Yes it’s another jacket and he already has loads but I’m sure many of us have many pairs of shoes that we hardly ever wear or handbags? I’m quite partial to buying footwear when I can afford it, though I can only wear one pair at a time 😂 but I get pleasure out of buying a new pair of DM’s or some new trainers.

I’m glad I’m single and can spend my money how I like. I can’t imagine having to ask permission before buying a item of clothing.

Just because other people have less, doesn't mean he can't spend his own money on himself. I find that attitude a bit weird actually.

@JinglingHellsBells

Reading your update that his parents bought him the house, he sounds spoilt! Doesn't know the value of money and needing to save.

In your shoes I'd be looking at the basic compatibility between you both and his lack of experience in managing money and its value.

In principal, I don't agree with parents handing over enough money to buy a house. It takes away all financial responsibility from the 'child' and they never appreciate the struggle to save and go without.

I think it's better to give them a loan with no interest, or a contribution to a house, where they still have some skin in the game with a smaller mortgage.

No one asked for advice or your opinion on what you think about his parents buying him a house

It’s irrelevant to the fact he works full time, had a bonus and bought another jacket.

I think the jacket and the number of jackets is a red herring. It wouldn't matter whether it was shoes, coats or cars.

The issue @bendybeep is you have different values.

You don't have the same background, your family aren't rich (enough) to buy you a house, you are a saver and know what it is to have to save for something you want.

He has none of those scruples and comes over as a bit of a man-child where money is concerned.

It's not about the jackets. It's about your fit as a couple.

You just don't fit. You are incompatible.

I suggest you plan to get out of this as it's not going to get better.

@Charlie63849 So you think it's ok to tell other posters what they can post? Sorry but his background and appreciation of money is exactly what is behind all of this.

It's just a shame you can't see that for yourself.

If you are worried about people losing your jobs, then the best thing your DP can do for them is blow the whole bonus on discretionary goods. If you want people to keep their jobs, then we need people with secure jobs, like him, to spend as frivolously as possible.

I get that you find it annoying he has so many hackets, but this gross insensitivity to people who are struggling financially only exists in your head. It's not like people who have just lost their jobs are going to go "look at that bastard, wearing a new jacket when he's already got 39 other jackets and I've got no job! He didn't need a new jacket! How can he rub this in so?!" They could not possibly care less about his jacket.

It's his money and his thing.

Seems like a total waste of money to me, but it isn't my money. My make up seems like a total waste of money to my DH, good job it isn't his money!

We have a 'spends' pot each, a designated amount per month to spend on whatever we like, usually stuff the other rolls their eyes at but it stops me getting frustrated at all the kickstarters DH invests in and he at the useless crap I buy.

As long as you both have "spends" and aren't struggling for money, I think you need to let it go (though it would drive me barmy!).

@jinglinghellsbells how do you know he doesn't appreciate what its like to dave.

Op says they both pay the bills and save. So he does know how to save. Maybe he might be as big a saver as she would be but do what that doesn't mean he doesn't appreciate the need to save when he does.

I didn't say a person can't work full-time and treat themselves. Honestly, how did you deduce that from my post. Try re-reading it.

I think i get you op....i would rather he saved the money for a holiday for when its all over.

It doesn't sound like paying for a holiday will be an issue even if he controls buy coats. However just because you'd prefer a holiday over a collection of jackets doesn't mean everyone would.

So he is earning well and living mortgage/rent free while you work in a low paid job and pay half of all bills etc?

Apart from what is normally the biggest bill by far of course as OP is not having to pay any rent . If a man were living in a woman's house rent free and complaining about what she bought when it didn't affect finances he'd be called controlling and a cocklodger. While I don't think that of the OP I also don't think she should be angry about him spending a portion off his own bonus on whatever the hell he likes.

I also love the assumption that anyone disagreeing with OP must also be a shopping addict. Like people can't see further than their own individual circumstances (that is a thing on mumsnet tbf). I'm one of the people you are feeling bad about having little while he buys another coat yet I think he can buy what he likes. I'm certainly no shopaholic as I have about £5 left a week after food and bills. I'll never be able to afford a coat that costs £££

I think it can be very difficult if you and your DP have different 'attitudes' towards money - yes, of course it's his money and he can spend it how he wants but the fact that he wants to have 40 jackets and you see it as a 'waste of money' is an issue - it doesn't matter who is right or who is wrong but it's the approach to finance which is important IMHO.

I would find it very hard to be married or even close friends with someone who spent so much money on clothes (I just find it utterly baffling - & I used to work in the fashion industry) - and they probably would say the same about me and not want to be my friend so it does work both ways.

My DP buys a new coat every year. He had about 9 at one point, he wears one. I put the rest in the clothes bank at asda.

You sound very judgemental. He can't buy himself a jacket with his own money because other people losing their jobs? I think you are jealous of his financial situation. It is strange though that it doesn't prevent you form living in his house.. If he is so tacky and materialistic(in your own words) find yourself someone with the same moral high ground as you are