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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my my MIL get a taxi to her hospital appointments this week?

272 replies

Dinnerisburnt · 05/01/2021 18:59

So, my MIL is 92 and has a hospital appointment on Friday about her eye sight. She doesn’t drive any longer and is reliant on myself and my husband for lifts. She also has a COVID vaccine booked for Saturday. My husband broke his arm just after Xmas so I am doing all the driving for the next 5/6 weeks. Yesterday my MIL got a taxi to a chiropodist appointment as she didn’t want to ask me for a lift. I don’t want to take her to the hospital now as she got in a taxi yesterday and am also reluctant to taker her for her COVID jab. Am I being really unreasonable? I haven’t seen my family since July or had my haircut since then, all I do is walk the dog and look after the kids and drop off MIL’s shopping as she won’t go to the supermarket. It just doesn’t seem fair that I am now expected to drive her to her appointments later this week when she was able to get a taxi yesterday.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 05/01/2021 19:32

drop off MIL’s shopping as she won’t go to the supermarket

I should hope she wouldn't go to the supermarket.

I can't believe you're suggesting she should get a taxi to the hospital. I'm really shocked by that.

Candlesinthewind · 05/01/2021 19:35

I imagine she really didn’t want to bother you by asking for 2 lifts in one week. I’m sure she would really appreciate the lift to the hospital appointment and the company/support.
‘And she won’t go to the supermarket’ - I think she’s being quite sensible.
I know it’s hard at times to juggle competing needs of our families but you’ll probably feel better if you help her.

Onwardsandupwardswego · 05/01/2021 19:39

She is 92 ffs but agree its always woman's work. Take her ffs again

WanderingHopefully · 05/01/2021 19:43

@ZOhZee

but it’s what you do for aged family members

It's what women do for their relatives and in-laws.

I've yet to have a male member of staff declare any sort of caring responsibility for an in-law, yet had several female staff working around family care commitments (including in-laws) over the years, where we are able to be flexible. Similar in my friend network. No male carers that I can think of.

I'm not commenting on what the op should do, but let's not pretend men have equal pressure (from others, and on themselves) to be a family carer. Willing or not. Capacity or not.

It's women's work.

My DH did almost all the caring for his parents when the time came (including all the washing, toileting etc), and did plenty for my mum too. Decent men do exist.

The scenario the OP described is different anyway, given that her DH is incapacitated.

LemonTT · 05/01/2021 19:45

@Onwardsandupwardswego

She is 92 ffs but agree its always woman's work. Take her ffs again
Well in this case the husband does it but is injured.

Anyway no one can be this inhumane even in the lexicon of MN talking about in-laws.

LIZS · 05/01/2021 19:46

Take her, she may not be able to see properly after her eye appointment.

Inthemuckheap · 05/01/2021 19:46

WTF has the taxi got to do with it? You sound a bit batshit tbh

shiningstar2 · 05/01/2021 19:46

She is 92 years old and she is trying to be independent by going to the odd appointment on her own. That is commendable but surely that doesn't mean she should go to every appointment on her own? Some appointments need more assistance than others. It seems that as her son was out of action she didn't like expecting you to do it all ...so she opted to go to the easiest appointment for her on her own. When my dm, aged 89, goes to an eye appointment at the hospital she has drops/treatment which make her eyesight blurred when she comes out and needs assistance.

When she had the covid jab, although it was well organised she still needed assistance. If she went in a taxi she would have to let the taxi go and order another one. There is a bit of a wait before it with forms to fill in and being passed from one seating place to another. They also have to wait 15 minutes afterwards. When I took my mother I didn't see one unsupported old person. Please don't leave her unsupported op just because she has tried to be independent some of the time. Surely that is a good thing ...but doesn't mean she can always manage without support Flowers

Viviennemary · 05/01/2021 19:47

I think you should take her. It really isn't a big ask if it's only once in a while.

bigbluebus · 05/01/2021 19:47

You're worried she may have picked up Covid in a taxi and yet you want her to get into another taxi and increase her chances of catching it by increasing her potential exposure.

Give her a lift. Sit her in the back of your car behind the front passenger seat, open the windows and get her to wear a mask. She's 93 fgs.

TonTonMacoute · 05/01/2021 19:48

She obviously finds it hard to approach you if she didn't ask you for a lift to the chiropodist. You say you would happily give her lifts when she needs it but perhaps that is not the vibe you are giving out.

Chiropodist appointments for the elderly are vital btw, as I'm sure you know. Loss of mobility due to poor feet can set off a whole string of other complications.

Nanny0gg · 05/01/2021 19:50

@Onwardsandupwardswego

She is 92 ffs but agree its always woman's work. Take her ffs again
No. My DH cared for his DGM.

As he would for me or his children.

TomorrowIsAnotherDae · 05/01/2021 19:51

@alexdgr8

so you are punishing her for her trying to save you the bother of one lift. maybe she picks up on your attitude and feels uncomfortable. don't be so mean.
^This^
jessstan1 · 05/01/2021 19:51

@tobedtoMNandfart

She's 92! Yes you are being a bit harsh.
Definitely. She took a taxi to the chiropodists so as not to over burden you. Would it kill you to drive her to hospital and back? I doubt it and don't understand why you don't want to.
TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 05/01/2021 19:51

What does you not getting your hair done since the summer have to do with your elderly MIL needing a lift to a medical appointment? It’s hardly a jolly for her. The fact she took a taxi the other day instead of asking you for a lift makes me think she’s picked up on you being pissed off about driving her to her appointments. To sum up, yes I’d drive her myself instead of getting a taxi.

Whoopsmahoot · 05/01/2021 19:53

Drive her to her appointments, for heavens sake.

LividLovely · 05/01/2021 19:53

I’m very Covid-averse but don’t go in the supermarket. I think her being in a taxi with one person is probably a similar risk level as you shopping in person.

Recycledblonde · 05/01/2021 19:54

@ZOhZee

but it’s what you do for aged family members

It's what women do for their relatives and in-laws.

I've yet to have a male member of staff declare any sort of caring responsibility for an in-law, yet had several female staff working around family care commitments (including in-laws) over the years, where we are able to be flexible. Similar in my friend network. No male carers that I can think of.

I'm not commenting on what the op should do, but let's not pretend men have equal pressure (from others, and on themselves) to be a family carer. Willing or not. Capacity or not.

It's women's work.

My DH happily takes his 92 year old father to appointments, to church plus goes to the bank/shops for him when he doesn’t insist on taking his mobility scooter up to the coop himself because he ‘doesn’t want to bother us and wants to keep a bit of independence while he can’. He doesn’t sit him in the back with the windows wide open and freeze the poor bugger to death either. I do stuff for him too and won’t dream of not taking him just because he had the temerity to be a bit independent.
UsernameSaved · 05/01/2021 19:54

@ZOhZee

but it’s what you do for aged family members

It's what women do for their relatives and in-laws.

I've yet to have a male member of staff declare any sort of caring responsibility for an in-law, yet had several female staff working around family care commitments (including in-laws) over the years, where we are able to be flexible. Similar in my friend network. No male carers that I can think of.

I'm not commenting on what the op should do, but let's not pretend men have equal pressure (from others, and on themselves) to be a family carer. Willing or not. Capacity or not.

It's women's work.

My DH is taking my father for his covid vaccination at 8am on Saturday. It is an hour long trip there and then an hour return trip to centre and an hour home.
BringPizza · 05/01/2021 19:54

OP has she asked you for lifts to the hospital and COVID appointments?

From reading your entire post I get the feeling you're asking because you feel it is expected you bubble with MIL when you've not been able to see your own family throughout this whole debacle?

Are you expected to go into the appointments with her? Maybe your DH could go too and go in with his mum.

RaspberryCoulis · 05/01/2021 19:55

@Onwardsandupwardswego

She is 92 ffs but agree its always woman's work. Take her ffs again
To be fair, her DH has a broken arm and is probably in plaster. Definitely no driving. So yes, it's down to her.

OP you sound ridiculously risk averse. It's all about this poor old woman being a danger to you because she had the temerity to get in a taxi. The person at risk here is NOT YOU. It's your ninety fucking two year old MIL, who you are perfectly happy to put in a taxi because you think she's putting you at risk?

Fuck's sake.

CeibaTree · 05/01/2021 19:55

Wow I hope your children's spouses don't have the same attitude towards you when you are a MiL OP!

ChelseaCat · 05/01/2021 19:56

Unless there’s going to be some kind of ridiculous drip feed YABU.

DaphneBridgerton · 05/01/2021 19:57

Omg she is 92!!!!! Wear a mask and open the windows (ask her to wrap up very warm) but please take her

katy1213 · 05/01/2021 19:58

Bloody hell - she's 92! She went to the chiropodist - it's not like she's been on a pub crawl.
Perhaps one day you'll have a daughter-in-law as caring as you are.