Money Matters

[Norealclue]

I would like to know what others think of something which has caused me some doubts about the right way to handle this situation.
I had come into some money and I was deciding what to do. Having been in some sticky situations myself over the years I thought I would share some of this money among my DC. 2 DC have accepted what I proposed for them. The other 2 DC have reacted very differently from their siblings.
1 DC when I started thinking about this told her DH all about what I had said. I paid out the money for the first part and then it came to the second part. I had said I would give a certain amount. Then her DH inserted himself into the conversation and tried to get more money. I am told that since he is married to my DC it is his business. My DC knew that I was unhappy with this but did nothing. I think that since the money is mine he has no right to discuss what I do with that money.
Another DC asked for more money than I had mentioned but that the extra was to be a loan which would be paid back in instalments. The instalments were paid for a while then stopped. This DC will not get another penny from me because that one has gone NC probably to evade repaying the loan. Lesson learned!
AIBU to expect to be able to discuss financial matters with my 1 DC without her DH butting in and wanting more.

Of course, it’s your money to do as you please. He certainly shouldn’t be sticking his oar in it nor asking/expecting more. It’s none of his business as it’s not you he is married to! He should be bloody grateful you’re even giving them money and your DC (the one he’s married to) should remind him of this not passively let this happen. I would reconsider giving them any more with that grabby attitude.

That sounds outrageous OP.

If my PIL gave my DH money (as they have at various points) it’s none of my business.

Unless there is some weird back story it’s strange.

Are you giving them all the same amount of money (excluding the one who scammed extra)?

What’s the part one and part two all about?
On the face of it, of course it’s no-one’s business but yours and they should just be grateful. But I’m getting a feeling you made this more complex than giving an equal, one off sum of money to each child. And adding a loan into the mix too...

Your child has every right to discuss it with their husband - but the husband has no right to talk to you about it.

Why two parts? Did each child get the same sum?

I can’t believe you DC went NC just to avoid paying back a loan. That makes me think there’s a lot of backstory which probably changes everything

On what you’ve posted, YANBU, if someone is giving you money it’s unreasonable to try and negotiate more. And while DD is reasonable if she wants to discuss it with her DH, that doesn’t need to be the initial discussion with you, she can speak to DH afterwards.

Your post is a bit confusing on timescales - "D"C 2 has already defaulted on the loan and gone NC - so it was a while ago? Has the money already been given?

Just let them know that you've made your will and left your estate to Cats Protection/ donkey sanctuary/ your favourite charity.

“Two DC accepted what I proposed for them”

I’m getting spidey senses about that phrase!
There are languages that have more than one word for “them” - them meaning only those in this sentence (2 DC) or them meaning the whole group (4DC).

You only needed to say “accepted what I proposed”. I’m getting an inkling that each child had a different proposal. Perhaps they are at different life stages, have different resources of their own. Perhaps I’m just wrong about the phrase.

All DCs are meant to be having the same amount except for the one who has not paid "the loan" part back. This makes me wonder if I now need to add extra to the others so that all are kept at the same amount.
The DC who has the DH is a working mum while the DH is a SAHP. It is a situation which I realise they have to deal with but it really makes me wonder. He is putting nothing in financially but expects to dip into my money! I do want that DC to have the same as the others.
Is it unreasonable of me to expect to be able to discuss matters with any of my DC without it being disclosed to others? I didn't want my plans to be discussed with the various partners. 2 have partners 2 do not due to ages.

H

You are absolutely unreasonable to expect your daughter not to discuss it with her husband.

What is this “meant to be having the same amount” thing? That strongly suggests that the daughter you’re complaining about hasn’t had the same amount. As I asked before - what’s with the part one / part two business? It sounds to me like you’re trying to control this gift, not just give it. Who has actually had what, so far? (no numbers, that’s your business - but say, have some had the full amount straight off, no questions, whilst others have had it phased?)

As for he is putting in nothing financially... so, being a SAHP isn’t enabling your daughter to work, or saving them childcare costs as a family?
Something a little fishy about this.

obviously you don't have to give anyone anything.
it's your money.
but why have you written the account in such a confusing way.
can you clarify, did they all get the same, have they already got it, was the loan extra or prior to the gifted sum.
tell SIL, don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
if they hassle you, give them nothing. or have you already done it.

Is it unreasonable of me to expect to be able to discuss matters with any of my DC without it being disclosed to others

Yes, very. I wouldn't keep these kinds of secrets from dh.

Where are your dc supposed to say the money came from if not from you? Totally unrealistic to expect them all to keep it secret from their oh's.

I feel there's probably a lot more back story to this op.

Why has one dc (at least) had the money so much sooner than the others? Long enough to default on the top up loan payment and go nc?

@Cocomarine. The DCs are at different stages in their lives. Two DC have accepted the amount I decided on for each and their money has been put in accounts for them to decide what they want to do with it when they are of a suitable age.
The other two DC are adults and are of age to handle their own money.
I just wanted to make lives a bit easier for them and it seems I have stirred up a hornets nest.
There is something else about the DC who got "the loan" and then stopped paying. It does not make any difference other than the amounts are now uneven due to this. I was trusting and got taken for a mug

Why has your kid gone no contact with you

Why do you think it's just to avoid paying money - what's going on in your relationship with them and the relationship between the siblings ?

So:if I read it correctly, you wanted to give all dc the same amount of money.

Dc 1 and 2 accepted with good grace what was proposed.

Dc3 was happy and mentioned it to her dh. That’s not unreasonable. However, he then demanded more money. That was wrong.

Dc4 received the money, plus some extra which was given as a loan. Dc4 has stopped paying back the extra, and gone nc.

You’ve possibly got more money to give. However, you are now reluctant to hand it over due to attitude of dc3’s husband, and dc4 not paying the money back. Your money, your choice.

Yes @LadyDique it’s clear that one child has had all the (non loan) money before another has had that part two. It doesn’t sound at all like OP has just said, “hey kids, I’m treating you - here’s £10K each”. The posts are oddly worded, and I suspect a backstory where you are trying to control what the money is spent on for this problem daughter and husband.

It’s just bizarre that you think she shouldn’t talk to him.

This sounds like a bit of a poisoned chalice for your kids. What exactly is it you “proposed” for them, and why all the various parts?

Why would you expect someone not to discuss financial matters with their husband? And yes you’re bu to expect that.

It’s not dipping in to your money either if you’re giving it to your daughter surely it’s then her money?

This all sounds very weird and complex. Either gift them money or don’t, no drama required.

so you paid extra to the loan defaulter, in total.
well i don't see why you should pay extra to the others.
that's like double punishment.
remember, no good deed goes unpunished.
is their any reason why you dont refer to one DC's DH as your SIL ? is there a history of antipathy ?
anyway, if he's not satisfied with the suggested sum, tell him he can decline it, they are a couple, whether he or her, jointly.
have you already handed over all the money. what's with 2 parts.

@Norealclue for the third time of asking, why is this adult daughter getting the gift as a part one and part two? You’re making it sound suspiciously unfair.

A bit disingenuous in your first post to suggest 2 children were happy - when those are the two who are not adults. So, just receiving cash and not being subjected to part ones and part twos. Maybe they’re just not old enough to understand (or speak against) unfairness?

How is it possible for you to say that they’ve all received the same gifted amount (forget the loan) when one adult has managed to make some repayments before defaulting on the loan - all before the other adult has actually received the mysterious “part two”?

Are these gifts perhaps conditional on the dc’s spending the money as you wish op?

In February this year, you posted about having a child in nursery.

So VERY disingenuous of you to imply that you are reasonable because 2 kids “accepted” the money, if one of those accepting was under 5.

I’ve never come across a family where one child is at nursery and the other has children of their own, where there aren’t 2 fathers involved. Is the money you’ve come into, from one father’s side?

Any chance the older siblings think there’s some unfairness? Perhaps you’re wealthier second time around, and they think as the younger siblings have more as children, it’s more fair to give more money to them as adults? I’m not saying I agree with that position - just trying to understand why they might be anything other than just grateful for the money.

I appreciating I’m writing a work of fiction with the above... but your posts scream backstory 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Cocomarine the part one and part two were setting up costs first then the balance when they were in position to go ahead. i.e. survey costs if it was property, ships licence if it was a boat etc. I have never discussed my finances with anyone outside the family apart from professionals and I don't think anyone else should be talking about me or money. I wanted to talk to my DD not SIL. He has form for butting into matters and in this case I think it looks a bit greedy. The idea of a SAHP is that children are minded and housework done. That would be the contribution instead of hard cash. Little to no contribution in this case.
@alexdgr8 the first two got the money after the decision was made the other two had to get set up for what they agreed they wanted before getting the bulk. One was set to go ahead before the other and at that point asked for the extra loan part. The other took another 6 months to be ready and it was then that the SIL started about money
@LadyDique if my money is to be discussed with SIL it should only have been that mum is going to put in £X and no further details given especially not that mum has £XYZ
@OzziePopPop they were given the choice of what they wanted to do. I had no control other than giving the money at the apropriate time depending on each DC position at whatever time.

@Cocomarine the child at nursery is a whole different situation and one which will be another dilema to be addressed.
I think most of us have a back story but all I want to discuss here is the situation of me splitting some money among my DC.
The SIL is very likely influenced by "the backstory" but that is another matter which is no business of his at all.