Money Matters

[Norealclue]

I would like to know what others think of something which has caused me some doubts about the right way to handle this situation.
I had come into some money and I was deciding what to do. Having been in some sticky situations myself over the years I thought I would share some of this money among my DC. 2 DC have accepted what I proposed for them. The other 2 DC have reacted very differently from their siblings.
1 DC when I started thinking about this told her DH all about what I had said. I paid out the money for the first part and then it came to the second part. I had said I would give a certain amount. Then her DH inserted himself into the conversation and tried to get more money. I am told that since he is married to my DC it is his business. My DC knew that I was unhappy with this but did nothing. I think that since the money is mine he has no right to discuss what I do with that money.
Another DC asked for more money than I had mentioned but that the extra was to be a loan which would be paid back in instalments. The instalments were paid for a while then stopped. This DC will not get another penny from me because that one has gone NC probably to evade repaying the loan. Lesson learned!
AIBU to expect to be able to discuss financial matters with my 1 DC without her DH butting in and wanting more.

Your children sound like sharks and the son in law a parasite. Keep your money, you won’t get any thanks anyway.

@Lightsontbut the way the money was dealt with was done by agreement. There was no demand by me to buy this or that. It was a question of what would they want that would help them the most and they both thought the same thing and it was helpful for them.
I have had financial discussions and dealings with the DC with the DH many times in the past and there was never a problem until this DH came on the scene. I was a lot less vocal before they were married but he seems to think being married to my DC gives him a say in my life. I dont think that is right. I did say that I might be old fashioned in my views on men who dont work while living off a female. I would not dare to make any noise about the standard of child and home care.
@Apollo3 It seems strange to me that I can not discuss finances with my own relative without it going on to people who are not related to me. SIL is married to my DC not me and should realise the difference. I will keep it in mind that I should not discuss anything with my DC if I dont want it to be common knowledge. There are too many people IRL making decisions about what to do with money who are not my relatives. Financial confidentiality seems a thing of the past.

@CaptainVanesHair I didnt shut up shop because my DC discussed the money I gave with her DH. I was unhappy that there was discontent with the amount I was giving in 2 DC. I didnt have to give anything. I wanted to make their lives easier. I am unhappy with 1 DC for not repaying a loan as promised. I am unhappy with 1 DC because her DH asked me for more money and she allowed it.

Could you maybe type the actual problem out rather than the strange riddles? You can change the figures or item so it isn’t identifiable IRL ie I offered DD £50k for a house deposit then £50k after a further five years time to pay a chunk off the mortgage I’d say SIL could have a valid point in joining in the conversation by for example saying it would help them more to have a higher deposit and lower monthly payment.

@sst1234 - thank you, you seem to see it very similar to my own view. It is obvious now that no matter how much I give it will never be enough or right in their eyes. Your comment is so kind it brought a tear to my eye. Thank you

I think you've gone about this the wrong way, no matter how well-intentioned.

You decide how much money you want to give someone, then you give it to them. If you can't trust them to deal with a large lump sum, then either they have some kind of issue (like drugs or gambling) that means you shouldn't give them any money at all, or you want to impose conditions (so it's not really a gift, and shouldn't be given). Gifts with conditions rarely lead to positive outcomes.

You can't control your DC's choice of partners, and it's unreasonable to ask someone to keep secrets from their partner, especially where it concerns a large amount of money. You might view your family unit as you plus your DC, but for your DC, that family unit is widened to include their own partner, and likely even partner's family.

You should never lend money you expect to see back - a lesson you've learned the hard way. No need to balance it out by giving more money to the others. You've apparently gone no contact, which indicates you didn't favour that DC more than the others, so any sense of injustice your other DC feel should be against that sibling and not their DM.

If you're so worried about inequality, maybe update your will to state that any loans with DC should be taken into account before divvying up your estate? (Assuming, of course, you're planning to leave anything of value and won't spend it all by the time you pass away.)

I wouldn't make any further gifts of money to family. It's clear that it hasn't brought anyone any happiness, so better to shut shop and move on.

How much money do you have left? A small amount, or still plenty to make a difference? If you have more than you need, a small gift to a local and overlooked charity would result in a genuine, warm thank you and that might be the balm you need right now after not getting the reaction from your adult DC you had hoped for.

@Brogues I do not want to be too specific in case anyone recognises the situation. The point I think I should stress is that SIL is DC's DH not mine. Another point is that SIL also has family members, would it be fairer if he asked his family for whatever extra money he wants.
If it was paying of student loans as an example. The DC are all different ages there are no twins so they would all graduate at different times assuming that they started a course after leaving school. There would be no point in me paying for a post graduate course if they did not graduate at all. Moving to the second part was totally dependant on getting through the first part IYSWIM.

It's really kind of you to want to help your children. I think you acted on instinct, though. If you didn't want your SIL to know how much you'd got, you shouldn't have told your daughter. I think it's very sad that that's the case, but bearing in mind how they are, it was inevitable that he would find out.

I wouldn't increase everyone's amount because of the one child who took out a loan and didn't repay it. Or maybe include that in your will, if it was a large amount, but I wouldn't give them more now as they may well need money in the future and it's better to have it saved ready for that.

I wouldn't give my children money if they were with people who I didn't like, though, especially if their partners were users of any kind. I'd put it by for the future, in case they left them and needed help. I might do something like buy them a new item for the house (which would help them rather than their partner) but wouldn't give cash.

Keep hold of your money now. Tell your daughter that it's absolutely none of her husband's business what you do with your money. Lazy git.

It’s ridiculous to quibble over whether the two younger children are young teens or mid teens 🙄 So what if they are 13 or 16? Either age is young enough that they’re financially dependent on you, just children, and going to accept whatever you decide. You were misleading to imply you were reasonable because 2 of your children were OK with your actions. There’s a big different between a kid getting a lump sum in a bank account, and an adult being told to present their case for how they wanted to spend the money and not be trusted to not get it in phases.

I am TOTALLY behind you not wanted your SIL to get involved on discussion with you, it’s not his business. But your belief that your daughter should discuss it with her husband is very very odd.

As for your discomfort with a man not being the breadwinner... you are holding women back with that nonsense. If he’s not pulling his weight as SAHD of course that’s wrong. But you clearly have an issue with a man “living off a women” full stop, which is pathetic.

I can't read all the comments but you should share it fairly between your children if you want to give them a gift.

If my in laws gave dh some money then I know it would be family money (we have children ourselves and have always done this) but it would be none of my business how much and when they give him money!

Stand your ground with them... This is how much your getting, it's a gift so be grateful.

Also - if they're adults and you wanna give them some money then do it, don't attach conditions to it EVER

Have the younger children have been given the full amount without those conditions attached or is the money in trust for this purpose? What happens to the gift of the younger DC if they don’t complete phase 1 or not want to do phase 2?

You sound well intentioned and yes, your son in law is very rude to ask for more. But...on MN there’s a strong consensus generally that any money coming into the household is family money and should be discussed and treated as such. It’s often the man who has a windfall and the female partner on here asking if she’s unreasonable for expecting the money to be used and treated as jointly owned.

You also say nobody knows your financial situation, not your solicitor nor your bank manager. I would respectfully suggest that you do take advice from a professional on how to save invest and give your money in a tax efficient and most effective way. You almost sound as if you have cash under your mattress.

Have you declared these gifts to HMRC? It’s a pain but you must. And get good legal,advice on your will if you haven’t done so. You have unwittingly created a mess which needs sorting out.

Well to put it bluntly it’s your money none of them should be entitled to anything, less so the husband! They sound ‘grabby’ as mumsnet users often say. Wouldn’t bother giving out any more money to any of them, except the two that have gratefully accepted what was given to them.

@waydownwego I have dealt with this all the wrong way and it is a lesson to be learned.

There are issues like drink and drugs involved which is why it was to be something to help my DC and why I, with agreement held the money safe, which is more than could be said if the full sum went straight into the DC accounts. I now know not to give money if those issues are involved.
I am aware that I can not control who my DC chose to partner with and what finances they discuss between themselves is their business but I wanted to discuss this particular money with all my DCs not any others including solicitors and bankers. I would be happy to accept the widening of the family to include SILs and DILs (married or not). I got upset at being asked for money when I dont think that person should have any knowledge of my money. All that needed to be said to SIL was that mum (me) is helping with the costs of X, no details of what they have wrongly assumed is my bank balance.
I know not to lend money if I can not afford to lose the money. In a way this has re-inforced that point. It was not intended this way but it has let me know that I can not trust my own DC which is horrible. My DC went NC with me when I mentioned that no payment was received at the bank. Not heard a word since that conversation.
Obviously I am not going to mentions figures but there is a lot of money involved here. I do not expect to live long enough to get through that amount. I am not living up to my means, I have not gone out and bought expensive jewellry or anything really expensive because I went from skint to definitely not skint in one move and I find it difficult to cope with. I still live as if I am a bit skint.
I didnt want any balm I just wanted the ordinary sort of thanks and to be treated normally and not to be excluded if I mention non payment.

Just talk to your children directly without their partners in the room.

But of course they can discuss it with their partners! It would be silly to say otherwise.

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest. Your SIL is out of order and rude.

When a similar situation arose in my DH's family his mum set up trust accounts for the DC that restricted how the money could be used and will dispense whatever remains in her will. Everyone seemed happy with that and it probably prevented a lot of conflicts.

How long ago was the loan? How many payments have been missed?

I'd honestly not top up the £ to the other 3 to 'make it even'. Just adjust your will accordingly.

Incidentally, you do have a will, don't you? I only ask as you have mentioned several times that you won't discuss money with a solicitor.

I did talk to my DC without any partners around but they discussed everything with the two SILs. They should only have mentioned £x. Nothing further about any other money.
I think it is now clear that I can not say what level of assets are in my name. They have made a wrong assumption and that assumption is much lower than the truth. If I am having this amount of problem and upset if they think I have a lower level of money I would be under a lot more pressure if they knew there was a lot more money. It is a bit scary to think I could be a target, but some have said that I am.
I will need to discuss this all with a Solicitor and make out a Will. I am intending to make my life as comfortable as possible and as strange as it sounds I feel selfish for doing so.
I am also concerned about whether to include my DGC in my Will or whether to go totally for a charity. Given that the DGC are living with drink and drugs I dont know if they would follow that path or be totally against both once they are adults.

@Gazelda the loan was given along with the bulk money about 14 months ago. Four payments were made on the correct date and in the correct amount. Then there was three payments of pence only. That DC told me how much would be paid each month and it was to be £x.45. So three payments of 45p.
I know that I will have to deal with a Will, I just dont know what my real wishes are at the present time but I have made some decisions on using the money.

How much money are you talking about here? I know you won't want to give specifics, but are you talking about a huge amount?

Which grandchildren are living in drug/drinking environment? Is it the child who has gone NC?

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest

Of course she is, ffs she thinks she can tell her adult children not to discuss money with their own partners..shes the definition of unreasonable here

I think I'd make it clear that there was no more money. Eg if you gave them £10,000 each then I'd say that you got £50,000 - you kept 10 and gave them 10 each.

It's really interesting that you say "they accepted the figure" - that's an unusual response, isn't it? It sounds as though it had anything to do with them how much you gave away.

I'm still confused around the actual issue but tbh it would be a strange and somwhat dysfunctional marriage if financial issues, including a windfall, are not discussed by both parties. Although i agree SIL is a CF for demanding more and that's not on.

@HollowTalk I am definitely not going to give any figures. It is a huge amount of money. There are DGC with 2 DCs, not the teens. All the DGC are living in drink/drug environments. It is rife where they live.
@Apollo3 I did not say that the DCs could not say they got £x from mum. What I dont think is right is for my financial situation to be discussed by DC and partners.
@HollowTalk when I was talking to my DCs alone about giving them £x each. At that point none of my DCs asked for any more money. That made me think that they were fine to accept the figure mentioned but it was after going back to their houses and discussed it with their partners that more money was asked for by one SIL and the loan was asked for. My DC seemed OK with the amount until speaking to their partners.
@Spidey66 The DC should have stopped their conversations with partners at mum is giving £x and not gone on to estimate what more money I may have and not expected more by asking for more or asking for a loan