Money Matters

[Norealclue]

I would like to know what others think of something which has caused me some doubts about the right way to handle this situation.
I had come into some money and I was deciding what to do. Having been in some sticky situations myself over the years I thought I would share some of this money among my DC. 2 DC have accepted what I proposed for them. The other 2 DC have reacted very differently from their siblings.
1 DC when I started thinking about this told her DH all about what I had said. I paid out the money for the first part and then it came to the second part. I had said I would give a certain amount. Then her DH inserted himself into the conversation and tried to get more money. I am told that since he is married to my DC it is his business. My DC knew that I was unhappy with this but did nothing. I think that since the money is mine he has no right to discuss what I do with that money.
Another DC asked for more money than I had mentioned but that the extra was to be a loan which would be paid back in instalments. The instalments were paid for a while then stopped. This DC will not get another penny from me because that one has gone NC probably to evade repaying the loan. Lesson learned!
AIBU to expect to be able to discuss financial matters with my 1 DC without her DH butting in and wanting more.

This is a confusing one. It's your money and up to you how it's "spent". I can see you have tried your utmost to be fair which is absolutely admirable.

I understand the 2 teen DC are happy to save the money for now. While your 2 adult DC have had a bit more flexibility as to how they used it.

What I disagree with you about is expecting one DC not to speak to her DH about it. Any other details about that are irrelevant really. I would always speak to my DH about things like this. We are a partnership, we are friends, we make all big decisions together as a team. I actually think your DC has done the right thing by talking to her DH about it. With a few exceptions there should be no secrets in a happy relationship.

I also think it was ok for your son-in-law to ask for more.

BECAUSE ultimately you are well within your rights to say no...but you can't influence/control what others say, think, do or talk about. (Free will!)

I may not agree with his choice and you definitely don't - but you can't stop him from asking!

@SciFiScream I am aware that a couple could discuss any money coming into their pockets but what I objected to is that my DC have been telling a lot of people what they think is my financial situation.
I dont see why anyone should expect to know my bank balance or assets. All that should have been discussed was the amount being given to them by me.
SIL has a history of trying to get money from our side but he does not think perhaps his family should match what I gave or give them some or any money. He is a big talker. He does not have rights to anything from me or others from my family.
I was always of the opinion that it is not polite to ask for money.

Anyway it is all done now and has created so much stress and strife. I certainly would not be considering any more money for any DC after this experience.

"I also think it was ok for your son-in-law to ask for more. "

Absolutely not!

SIL I'm gifting you £50K, and rather than omg thank you, he asks for more. Mother of god 😂

@AhNowTed the thing is though I could ask the OP for money. In fact I'll do it right now

OP can I have some money please?

I don't mean it BTW - but you can't stop it happening.

It's impossible to stop words coming out of someone's mouth unless you gag them!

Do I think it was right? No, I don't think it was right but in purely practical terms you can't stop it and that's what I mean by it being "ok".

The OP cannot compel her son-in-law not to ask a question like that but has complete control over the response and her choice (and should exercise that to her utmost!)

You'd hope that son-in-law would have more awareness of the situation but it doesn't seem so.

OP do you know for sure that your finances are being discussed with lots of people or is that an assumption?

Posted too soon. I discuss all finances with my DH but would go no further. If your DD and her DH are going further than just the two of them, that is utterly unacceptable but discussing it between themselves is fine.

Your children sound like a rude and peculiar bunch.

Fwiw, when my mother came into a decent sum of money, she split part of it evenly amongst her children. One of my siblings and I got the cash. I have another sibling who has MH and alcohol abuse problems. Receiving a sum of money like that would have been destructive for them. My mum paid for new carpets and some home improvements for them.

Its not necessarily the way everyone would choose to handle things, but it can work if your children have never coped well with life or money.

@SciFiScream I know you are just saying the words so I will just say my new reply. SciFi, I wont give you money but if you dont have anything for DCs I will drop (mcdonalds or fish and chips at your house. Someon gave me a rough time over money so you can have something to eat but no money! SIL does not seem to know where boundaries are or should be. He just makes a lot of noise when he opens his mouth. I know that he was told I have £xyz and he mentioned that figure. I met a friend of DC and that person also mentioned the same figure. I was at a hospital appointment and DC told the Doctor that I had £xyz and the doctor looked shocked. The DC who spoke to the Dr is not the one married to SIL. There is no need to mention money to a Dr as there is no money handed over at a Dr appointment. It has also been on FB and I was berated by friends of DC for not giving more when asked.
@funnylittlefloozie my DC have changed since they left home to live with then partners. They dont seem to have any manners at all. They did have manners before that. They do not live in the same kind of place as they were living as children. Someone described what has happened as "Social Decay". They are not with the original partners now but have not improved the quality of partners just more of much the same, non working, drinking, drug taking types.

I was trying to make the point that you cannot stop people doing (silly) things. I think you got that though.

Son in law maybe lives by the motto "nothing ventured, nothing gained" or as we say in Scotland "nae cheek, nae chance"! Cheek is the right word for SIL!

I'm was brought up that money is private and a family matter so discussing it outside of the family (exceptions being professionals who help with money, banks, pension advisors etc) is completely wrong. That's a really horrible situation to be in.

I hope you manage to sort it out and keep your principles. The two elder DC have certainly made that a lot more complicated for you.

You could have avoided all this by giving them a lump sum. Not dripping it in parts for payment on a particular item.

well, i think you were trying to be fair, and generous, but maybe due to your own history you have gone about it the wrong way.
it seems you like to be ultra secretive, and do not trust neutral professionals, eg solicitors.
you should have consulted a solicitor or financial adviser as to how to do what you wanted re gifting the money to DC.
but you are obsessed with no one knowing anything about your assets. this has clouded your judgment. and in a way you expected too much of your DC, to keep a strict watch on what/ how much they said to their partners and others re it.
of course people will speak to their partners, that is inevitable.
and it is very hard to speak to a partner, and say mother will give me £100; but no, i must not discuss whether she actually has £1000, or what she will give my siblings; i must not speak as to that.
obviously they ought not to have mentioned anything about money to other people, but knowing them as you do, their way of life, habits, company kept etc, you could have predicted this might happen. so that was a lack of jugdment, or caution.
if they are living lives you disapprove of, then givingg them money was always going to be a mixed blessing, at least.
if they/their partners are taking drugs/alcohol, living rackety lives, how could you expect them to behave with discretion.
you say SIL lacked manners in asking for more. why does this surprise you. it is predictable. lack of manners is the least of it.
also you could have taken professional advice without revealing all your assets. you could have limited their advice to one bank account, and moved money to have enough in that account for what you proposed to gift to DC.
you have got yourself into a muddle.
don't give any more. be careful to make a will, where those parties will not benefit from your demise, and tell them that.
some people will do anything for money, esp if their brains are drug-addled. normal morality goes out the window.
it may be an unlikely scenario, but it does happen, and i would not be taking any chances if were you.
and do consult a good solicitor.

@SciFiScream I got the idea of your post. I have never heard that saying but SIL is Scottish! He took a chance by asking and lost every future penny I might have given them. I was always told never to discuss money and now that my finances are so changed it would be even worse because it could also be seen as bragging which is another type of bad manners.
@DianaT1969I didn't give a lump sum because this was not the first time money was expected of me but it has ramped up since my situation changed. I knew about the drink and drugs and other ways of SILs so I thought this was the best way to ensure that my DC got as much benefit from the money I gave. At that point I was not concerned if the SILs benefitted incidentally but my view has changed on that subject now.

[quote Norealclue]@EarringsandLipstick I think most people find that I speak quite formally and maybe quite old fashioned. Maybe that is why you find yourself perplexed. I would never ask anyone one for any money and I find it odd that SIL should think he has any right to ask me for money. I am exhausted by the things I have coped with as a result of the oldest two. Their dramas are relentless. Too much to go into here. There is absolutely no way that I could ever control my DCs. It is just not possible physically or emotionally. SIL has over estimated his place in the wider family. He is not a person who is respected. This situation is not the first time he has tried to obtain money nor is it the biggest amount of money.[/quote]
So put boundaries in place and say NO !
You cant control what your SIL and DCs do but you can put a firm boundary in place that no this is not up for discussion.
Thats all you need to do here.
It was a very unwise decision to offer your DCs money if they are in relationships with addicts.
That was never going to end well.
Addicts are driven only by their needs and highly manipulative.
I think I understand that it was because of this that you attached the conditions to prevent it being spent on drink/ drugs?
However your DC are in relationships with these men and are probably vulnerable and easily manipulated themselves.

Be firm, no further discussion but I suspect now they know you have money it will continue.

@alexdgr8 I did try to be fair and help all DCs. I have known that the SILs are grabby and feel entitled. I also know that they are frivalous with the DCs earnings. This seems to be the type of man both attract as there have been others of the same type before the current ones. I can be a bit secretive but that is only because of past experiences. I did consult solicitors and financial advisers but I didn't like their proposals. I want to deal with property first and secure myself a good house and then see what money is left and what to do with that but they wanted the bulk of the money in a trust which only they and I were trustees. They were not happy when I said I wanted my much younger sibling as another trustee. That was not acceptable to them. It was a test question on my part as I do not actually have a much younger sibling! This has led to me being even more wary. I did think that only the amount that was given should be discussed by DC and SILs but the results show that I can not discuss anything with my DC if I want it to be confidential. Legal stuff and bank stuff should always be confidential anyway, or so I think. I am thinking of having a temporary Will which will keep things in order until I can get the property I want for my all time home.

@Templetree I was aware that my DC are being manipulated by one dumbass male after another. I tried to circumvent that and help my DC but it has all gone to pot. I have decided that I will buy a house in which I will spend the rest of my life. Trying to help didn't work well so I might as well be cosy in a new house. I am surprised, shocked and dismayed that my DC are in relationships like these, others IRL can see the same as me in fact some saw it long before I did. It is frustrating that no-one can do anything to stop the DC being used and abused by those types but apparently they have to make the decision to split from their ways of life. I will always be a shadow in the back ground if they need help to get away but I wont make any more errors like this.

[quote Norealclue]@Templetree I was aware that my DC are being manipulated by one dumbass male after another. I tried to circumvent that and help my DC but it has all gone to pot. I have decided that I will buy a house in which I will spend the rest of my life. Trying to help didn't work well so I might as well be cosy in a new house. I am surprised, shocked and dismayed that my DC are in relationships like these, others IRL can see the same as me in fact some saw it long before I did. It is frustrating that no-one can do anything to stop the DC being used and abused by those types but apparently they have to make the decision to split from their ways of life. I will always be a shadow in the back ground if they need help to get away but I wont make any more errors like this.[/quote]
I think you are right in securing your own future first OP.
Its a hard lesson but your DC are the only ones who can make those sort of changes .
No doubt they are being manipulated but they are also currently choosing to stay with these men.
Step away, say No discussion, they or the DC will be back, its the way it goes with addicts.They will push and push.
You need to protect yourself from these men and stop trying to help adult DC at your own expense.

@Templetree Thanks you seem to have got the picture a lot faster than I did at first. I think I have the picture now and will be wary. I will be making myself comfy in a new house somewhere. At least that way some good will come about. I can only hope that one day my DC will wise up but I have no way to stop the damage to them or their DC.

[quote Norealclue]@Templetree Thanks you seem to have got the picture a lot faster than I did at first. I think I have the picture now and will be wary. I will be making myself comfy in a new house somewhere. At least that way some good will come about. I can only hope that one day my DC will wise up but I have no way to stop the damage to them or their DC.[/quote]
Thanks Norealclue
One other thing.
Being a good parent is also firmly saying No sometimes.
They will push and push, probably call you selfish but absolutely no good will come of it if you hand over any more money.
Your NC DC is probably hoping if they stay NC they can manipulate you.
Stay strong, keep your boundaries in place .

For what it’s worth I agree your affairs should be private. Of course your daughter should discuss with her husband the sum she is receiving but there should be no discussion about your personal financial situation . This is what has prompted him and your other child to ask for more. You could make will leaving less to the child who has defaulted on the loan to account for the debt . My friend was lent a house deposit by her father and he adjusted his will to take account of that sum. In future keep your cards close to your chest .

@Templetree I do think I was over lenient with the elder DCs. I dont think they realise that I want them to be in a decent situation. I think my DCs are being controlled and in turn I think they and partners tried to control me. I was left with no confidence at all so it came probably as quite a shock to them all when I said no more money. They have pushed me into a corner. I think the NC is working the other way - At first I was so upset but now I just accept it and actually enjoy the peace and quiet. I am pleasantly shocked at how kind people are to me when I go out. I was not used to that from adult DC.
@sandgrown I will discuss with a solicitor making adjustments to any money left to DC with regard to the unpaid loan. I will be keeping the cards close to my chest in future.

At first I was so upset but now I just accept it and actually enjoy the peace and quiet. I am pleasantly shocked at how kind people are to me when I go out. I was not used to that from adult DC

Im glad that you are now seeing the light regarding your DC behaviours but one thing I would say is that people arent necessarily being "kind", its likely they are being polite and respectful as they would be to anyone and your DC and SIL are not .
Please tread VERY carefully about what you disclose to your adult DC in future.
Dont be drawn into their dramas and put your health and peace of mind first.
Hard I know

@Templetree thanks for all your wise words. I have taken note and will be making sure that I see to my own comfort. I wont be doing any more giftings. I think you are right to say that the people I meet are just being normal. I think if a member of staff at a shop or bank etc spoke to customers, shouting and swearing and ridiculing, as my DC spoke to me, they would likely be sacked. This does show that my thinking is skewed by my experiences.

Your posts are not easy to follow but over the course of the thread I have, I think, got the picture. I am a bit sad for you as it is clear you wanted to really help your daughters but the gesture has backfired.

My Godmother gifted me a large sum of money a few years ago. It was a complete surprise. I was hugely grateful. She presented me with a cheque and asked me not say anything to anyone. So I didn't. Not my partner or kids. No-one. It made a huge difference to me.

In contrast my Mother's money was constantly discussed by my sister and her greedy DP. What she had, what she should do with it, how much more tax-efficient it would be if she "gifted" it now rather than in her will, how much we would all get... horrible. Arguments over who had what, who'd had a wedding and who hadn't, who went to uni and who hadn't. My poor mother was so distressed by it all.

Spend your money living a good life. Keep the amounts you have secret - no-one needs to know. Get the younger kids away to where they can grow up away from drink/drugs influences and stop thinking about giving money to anyone (they will only see you as a cash cow if they know you have a lot)

You made it complicated by any means aching conditions.

What you should have done was say to your children ' I have inherited some money, it's enough to give you all 25k each. Enjoy'

That's a proper gift

By any means aching 🙄 should say by attaching conditions

@FirstOfficerDouglas. Thank you for your comments. I am glad you respected DAunt's wishes. I feel sorry for your DMother. It is an awful feeling to be aware that the only value in you is £. I am planning to get the rest of the DC away from this whole situation. It is normally not a good time to move with DC in senior school but with all that is going on re pandemic and lockdowns I might as well. I will spend the money on the remaining DC and myself.
@nokidshere. Try thinking of this from the other angle. I chose to go about things the way I did because I was aware that there would be grabbyness and I thought this would be the way to ensure that my DC got the full amount without others dipping into the money. If my DC were not involved with drug takers or heavy drinkers or people without any manners or boundaries I would not have needed to think of ways to try to ensure my DC got as much benefit from the money as possible. It was not conditions more safeguarding.