Money Matters

[Norealclue]

I would like to know what others think of something which has caused me some doubts about the right way to handle this situation.
I had come into some money and I was deciding what to do. Having been in some sticky situations myself over the years I thought I would share some of this money among my DC. 2 DC have accepted what I proposed for them. The other 2 DC have reacted very differently from their siblings.
1 DC when I started thinking about this told her DH all about what I had said. I paid out the money for the first part and then it came to the second part. I had said I would give a certain amount. Then her DH inserted himself into the conversation and tried to get more money. I am told that since he is married to my DC it is his business. My DC knew that I was unhappy with this but did nothing. I think that since the money is mine he has no right to discuss what I do with that money.
Another DC asked for more money than I had mentioned but that the extra was to be a loan which would be paid back in instalments. The instalments were paid for a while then stopped. This DC will not get another penny from me because that one has gone NC probably to evade repaying the loan. Lesson learned!
AIBU to expect to be able to discuss financial matters with my 1 DC without her DH butting in and wanting more.

the first two got the money after the decision was made the other two had to get set up for what they agreed they wanted before getting the bulk. One was set to go ahead before the other and at that point asked for the extra loan part. The other took another 6 months to be ready and it was then that the SIL started about money

This makes no sense.

If you're gifting £x, gift it. Then you're done.

They can spend it when they're ready, on what they want.

It sounds like the money came with conditions attached to me and that some parties are annoyed at the control you're wielding.

I can't think of any good reason why you had to hang onto the gift for x months other than to maintain control of some aspect.

@LadyDique I thought I was being decent to help my DC with a bit of money but it seems to be all wrong.
The reason I didn't give the bulk had a number of reasons. One being what if they start on this road and dont like their choice. Another reason being that if I had given the full money over in one lump sum there may not have been enough left for them to carry on as they hoped.
I wanted to give something to my DC. I didn't plan to give anything to any SIL/partner.

The reason I didn't give the bulk had a number of reasons. One being what if they start on this road and dont like their choice. Another reason being that if I had given the full money over in one lump sum there may not have been enough left for them to carry on as they hoped

I dont understand this at all. I think you'll have to be clearer op
If you're giving them money...just give it. What is it to you if they ''dont like their choice' afterwards?? Or there ''isnt enough left for them to carry on as hoped''......sounds like you are controlling. Unless I have it all wrong and I may just! As I am very confused.

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Cant they decide what to do with their own money?aren't they able to make financial decisions by themselves?

[quote Norealclue]@LadyDique I thought I was being decent to help my DC with a bit of money but it seems to be all wrong.
The reason I didn't give the bulk had a number of reasons. One being what if they start on this road and dont like their choice. Another reason being that if I had given the full money over in one lump sum there may not have been enough left for them to carry on as they hoped.
I wanted to give something to my DC. I didn't plan to give anything to any SIL/partner.[/quote]
Well that's their problem. Save yourself the headache and stress. Give them the money you wanted to give them and let them spend it as they wish. If they squander it in class A drugs that's up to them. If they save it and invest it that's up to them. You shouldn't be holding them to your conditions or your 'just in cases'

@Notimeforaname Whether they are able to make financial decisions is in many ways questionable. They are not unintelligent but are heavily influenced by others.
It may be looking as if I am controlling but actually I was trying to ensure that my DC got the amount I wanted to give them and for a purpose that they chose. If they had changed their minds or not liked their choices I would have asked well you refused 1 decided on 2 but dont like it now so what is choice 3?
@FlappingFanny you are so very near in your statement and I certainly did not want to be providing for what you may think is a throwaway suggestion. This was a matter which was of great concern. We all know that Class A drugs (and others) are all consuming and removes logic and decency

You made a mistake in promising x amount but giving it in parts so they always knew they had more coming. It creates an expectancy.

It is obvious you do not like your son in law. I do understand why if you do not like someone you don’t like the thought of them benefitting from your money but if we don’t like our children’s partners it’s just tough really. You have the choice of giving to dc or skipping a generation and giving to grandchildren instead.

Money cannot be given with any condition and even if you buy an item instead of giving cash it can be sold.

It seems then that I got this all wrong completely.
The two who accepted what I had thought was good for them are mid teens so not the right age to make bigger purchases.
The two who have been problematic are in their 20s. Both changed partners. The one who got a "loan" has a partner who said nothing either way. The one with the DH who wanted more I think is a bit more forward than I would be myself. It concerns me that he seems to think he has a say in what I do financially. My own DC would benefit the most from what the money was for.
I could be very old fashioned in thinking that it is out of order that a female works a lot of hours while a male does nothing (i.e. does not really do the housework and DC side of things and can not keep a job). I thought Mumsnet were dead against "cocklodgers". He has no real boundaries not just about money, he also told me about an aspect of their sex life! I expect they would have sex especially if there are DC but it is not something I want to know any details about. I just dont think the way he speaks about things is right but DC does not see this.
I realise now that the cure for all this is not to put forward any more money, I regret having gone into this, not to be mean but because of all the trouble it has caused. I just wanted to make life a little easier for my DC.

It would be very unreasonable of you to expect to daughter not to discuss financial issues with her DH. He shouldn’t talk to you or try to influence you but you have to let them discuss things as a couple.

Yes YABU to expect your DC not to discuss financial help from you with their partner.

And yes you do sound controlling and I strongly suspect the backstory is very relevant here

Your caused your own problems by having discussions/dialogue with any of them. You should have made your decision about what to give them, and given them that amount. No need for them to know how much you received, how much you've given the others nor what you intend to do with the amount you've kept.

By talking to them about it, presumably telling them how much you got and your own plans for using it, etc., you've opened the door for them to want more.

Cant you just draw a line under the sand now and tell them no more money is coming their way an spend it on yourself ?

“Cant you just draw a line under the sand”

Are you saying 1 DC already owes you money, so you've given them less to account for that?

Eg 3 DC got £10k but one only got £5k because they owed you £5k from money you loaned and they didn't pay back? That would seem fair enough.

Whether or not your son in law pulls his weight as a SAHP is a separate issue but he shouldn't be interfering with the money and certainly not asking for extra. Are you saying you want your DD to leave him and use the money to set up by herself? That also seems fair but it's up to her whether she does this. She lives with him day to day so knows more about whether he is doing his fair share.

I agree with others that your posts are confusing but it is unclear whether you are hiding a backstory or if it's just the way you express yourself.

I have never told anyone at all my exact situation with regard to money in any shape or form,not even professionals like solicitors or bank people. I have always been private whether skint or not so skint. I knew the horrors of being skint and wanted to help.
A line has now been drawn in the sand. The Bank of Mum has shut up shop. It upsets me to think my DC are struggling and I am not.

@Mustbe3ormorecharacters

“Cant you just draw a line under the sand”

Two metaphors in one feeling generous lol

@BarbaraofSeville Each of the DC got £x. Two are not old enough for big purchases being mid teens. One DC got £x and asked for a loan of £y. That means that one DC got £y (minus a few payments) more than the rest and I dont see that will ever be paid as that DC is very close to a persistent and lifelong debtor.
The two were helped to make their own lives a bit easier. Whether the partners enjoyed that or not was not my main concern. It was all about making life easier for my DC.
I had not thought about trying to influence the DC with the DH to leave him and set up alone. Now that this is a thought I have heard complaints about him from my DC but I say nothing because I know that would not be a good idea.

It was really silly to say that two children accepted the amount - making it seem like you were reasonable - when they were young teens

Why isn’t your pre-schooler getting a share?

It sounds like you trying to be pretty controlling with the money. Which is your choice - it’s your money. But don’t expect that to do anything for your relationship with your adult children 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's unreasonable for the husband to interfere, he can have whatever discussions he wants with his wife, but not with you. Tell your daughter it's a big fat NO to an increased amount and simply refuse to engage with her husband.

If you decide to even up the amount to 3 of 4 and write off the debt to #4 let them all know what you've done and why.

It's lovely of you to give them all money.

This is a bit confusing, and I am not sure if there were conditions attached to the money.

However the son in law should not have asked for more money, they as a couple should either have accepted it with thanks or said no thank you.

I've found the info really confusing but as far as I can tell you did not gift the money directly you said you would gift it if they spent it on something you approved of, such as a house. I think the SIL DH might actually have been communicating with you that the amount you gave is not enough to buy a house and wondered whether there was any chance that you could give more. I think he might have had this conversation with you as your DD finds these conversations difficult and controlling.

I can't understand the issue with SIL DH not working. It's very outdated to expect a man to work whilst accepting female SAHP. Are you also saying that he does not care for the children at all despite being alone with them when his wife is at work? They must be quite young so is this a neglect issue which you have reported?

Is it unreasonable of me to expect to be able to discuss matters with any of my DC without it being disclosed to others? I didn't want my plans to be discussed with the various partners

Of course its unreasonable, and the fact that you can't see that suggests that there is a lot more to this story.

@Cocomarine the teens are mid teens not young teens. The pre-schooler comes under another group. The conduct of two out of four DC has made me wonder what to do for that group. I was not trying to control anything and there was an agreement on the two part issue. It was all agreed then one DC changed things with the loan. I really thought I could trust my own DC. The other DC with the DH changed things with him inserting himself into a situation between me and my DC. I do not think I need to discuss money with any in law. This may not do much for my relationship with my DC but you disregard the point that I am unhappy with how they have carried on in this and I thought they would have realised this was between me and them individually and jointly among my DC.
@museumsandgalleries666 I think I will have to even up the amounts because I want them all to be equal. I will put it in writing so that there can be no doubts even once I am gone. I am grateful that you have said "itis lovely of you to give them all money". They way it looks from 2 of 4 DC is that I have done something drastically bad and even on here I am being told that I am controlling. That really is not the case at all. I have no power, nor do I have the deviousness of some of those who have involved themselves when it is not their business.

I don't think you're unreasonable to give your children money

I don't think your daughter is unreasonable to discuss money with her husband.

I think your son in law is unreasonable to ask you for more (if that's what happened).

I do think you're unreasonable for speaking in riddles :) just say I gave my 4 kids a house deposit (if that's what it was for).

Shutting up shop because your daughter talked to her spouse seems a bit ridiculous.

Surely you either gift part 2 to the waiting DD, say no to the requests for more. And then everything is equal bar the NC child, which you just have to write off.

Or, you gift part 2 + increase for them and the teenagers to even it up with what NC child has.

Controlling it isn’t making life easier for any of your children. Giving a gift without conditions will.