Money Matters

[Norealclue]

I would like to know what others think of something which has caused me some doubts about the right way to handle this situation.
I had come into some money and I was deciding what to do. Having been in some sticky situations myself over the years I thought I would share some of this money among my DC. 2 DC have accepted what I proposed for them. The other 2 DC have reacted very differently from their siblings.
1 DC when I started thinking about this told her DH all about what I had said. I paid out the money for the first part and then it came to the second part. I had said I would give a certain amount. Then her DH inserted himself into the conversation and tried to get more money. I am told that since he is married to my DC it is his business. My DC knew that I was unhappy with this but did nothing. I think that since the money is mine he has no right to discuss what I do with that money.
Another DC asked for more money than I had mentioned but that the extra was to be a loan which would be paid back in instalments. The instalments were paid for a while then stopped. This DC will not get another penny from me because that one has gone NC probably to evade repaying the loan. Lesson learned!
AIBU to expect to be able to discuss financial matters with my 1 DC without her DH butting in and wanting more.

Do your children know how much money you have? Eg did you say, "I've won/inherited/earned £X and will give you each £Y"?

So are you saying your two older children and their partners are involved in drug-taking and drinking too much? Giving them money was always going to present a problem, wasn't it?

Tbh I would be moving the younger children as far away from that environment as possible.

@HollowTalk I have never told anyone how much money is in my name. I have got the money from difference sources. This is why no-one actually knows the total. Bank 1 has £x Bank 2 has £x etc so no bank knows anything other than what is in their bank and so on. I had experienced money demands and other demands prior to the money so I was wary of the partners and also the drink and drug situations. It is for these reasons that I only allowed the teens to see the older ones when I was present. I do not want the teens to babysit in those areas. I dont like it but I am trying to safeguard the teens' futures. It is a fair distance to each of the older ones' houses and no direct bus or train route so they really only get there when I drive them and watch what is going on. I have now got my eyes open a lot more than they ever were when the older ones were younger.

That sounds like a good idea.

However, if you have the money, I would move far away from your home town. I would do anything to stop my young teens from being affected by drink and drugs.

I'd deny the full amount and say you kept 1/5th and gave them each 1/5th.

@Norealclue I think you should stop all money being given to those DC. Their treatment of you is appalling! You should live your life and enjoy what you have. There are many worthwhile causes out there to support, they would appreciate your generosity!

OP don't hand over another penny.

Not only are they not grateful for this windfall, they now feel entitled to it.

The absolute cheek asking for more.

Write off the so-called loan (they had no intention of paying it back), and blow a large hole in the money on yourself.

OP it sounds like they are taking the piss. DM recently gifted me a small amount of money (absolutely nothing compared to the amounts it sounds like you are talking about!) as she knows things are tight for us atm. I was incredibly grateful, sent her some flowers, put a bit aside for emergencies and split the rest with DH (we have separate bank accounts).
He was totally thrilled and grateful at her generosity. I'm sorry to say your older DCs really don't sound very nice and whilst I do think it's ok for your DD to tell her DH about the money you offered, the discussion should have stopped there.

I think it is pretty clear you are annoyed your DD told her DH about your money situation, rather than just about the money you are gifting. Did you tell her you don't want her to speak to him about your money? I think if my mum spoke to me about her money, I would probably speak to my DH about it as I like to chat with him about things, but then my DH wouldn't approach my mum asking for more money!

I can see why you would feel uneasy about him knowing as he is now asking for more rather than being grateful for anything you give them.

To all the ladies after my last posting. Thank you. I feel a bit better after reading your postings. I would never have discussed my parents' money with anyone and I thought my DC would have been the same but it looks now like I have no worth to them other than how much money I can give them (and partners). My finances are to be discussed with people who would try to get every penny out of me.
@HollowTalk I have thought about moving away out of this area but thought I was over re-acting (as accused by DC)but if you think the same I think it may well be the right thing to do. I was hesitant to disrupt the teens but maybe get them away at all costs.
@Irisheyesrsmiling I am going to be even more unpopular with DC and their partners but I am not giving another penny.
@AhNowTed as above I will not be giving another penny. The money was given but I learned a valuable lesson.
@Wellthisismorethanabitgrim I think you are right, my DC are taking the P. I was gifted some money many years ago and I was so shocked I could hardly speak when I phoned immediately to say thank you. I would never have asked for any more. I was thrilled with that gift too.
@TippledPink (love your name) I am annoyed that my finances were discussed other than the fact that I was about to give £x. I was too innocent I think. I would not have discussed anyone's finances so I expected my DC to be of similar mind. I know that there are others who are using my DC as puppets and I think that my DC could be making out I am so monied in the hope that the Partners would hang around maybe. I will not be giving any more.

I find it so hard to accept that the conduct of my DC is not what would be desired. I hope that they are not going to suffer because I am not willing to bank roll anything else. It is so important to me to try to keep the teens away from all this. I am kicking myself for being so niave.
Thanks for all comments

it looks now like I have no worth to them other than how much money I can give them (and partners). My finances are to be discussed with people who would try to get every penny out of me.

OP, I've RTFT.

I find your posts perplexing, to say the least.

On the outside, it makes sense that you had some money to give, and wanted to help your DC. Understandably, you are upset by the greediness shown by one of your DC's husbands, and the issues with the DC that's NC and in relation to the loan not repaid.

But your language about your DC is so odd. The quote above illustrates it.

You seem to have a real bitterness and even dislike towards your children & definitely your son-in-law.

I do sense a strong element of control over your DC.

I also think there's more to the interaction with your son-in-law than comes across from the description of him asking for more money.

@Norealclue
The prospect and process of giving your children some money to ease their lives should have brought you joy and cause them to be thankful and happy.
Instead, the two older ones have caused you grief. Well stuff them.
I would now limit their gifts to whatever you originally discussed (stage 1???) and walk away. Be sure to reflect in your will that one adult's inheritance is reduced by the unpaid part of the loan.
If you have a preschooler you must be a young(ish) woman. Why not make plans to buy a lovely property for you, the young one and teens to enjoy a nice new start.
Money! It's the root of much family disharmony.
All the very best.

@EarringsandLipstick I think most people find that I speak quite formally and maybe quite old fashioned. Maybe that is why you find yourself perplexed. I would never ask anyone one for any money and I find it odd that SIL should think he has any right to ask me for money. I am exhausted by the things I have coped with as a result of the oldest two. Their dramas are relentless. Too much to go into here. There is absolutely no way that I could ever control my DCs. It is just not possible physically or emotionally. SIL has over estimated his place in the wider family. He is not a person who is respected. This situation is not the first time he has tried to obtain money nor is it the biggest amount of money.

@SueblueNZ I thought I was being nice and unselfish to share some money around but it turned into a mess. They got all the money but it will be the last. The pre-school child is a relative but not my physical child. I am much too old to have a child of that age. I am thinking about relocation to get away from all this stressy situation.

You caused the situation. You sound like you are trying to control them with your money, that never goes well. You don't like your SIL, you don't like your own children, I suspect there were plenty of issues long before the money and you just made it worse.

@Apollo3 I am not controlling anyone. If I was maybe my DC would be in better positions. They are adults they have made choices. There are always consequences to choices, sometimes things work out sometimes they dont.
Your assertion that I am in the wrong for giving money to family is classic. DMs and DMILs can never do anything right. Younger women of today are always perfect. Or so some people would like to think

Not what I said. unsurprising though since you seem very good at twisting everything.
I imagine your children would present things very differently to you if asked.,

I think you need to realise that the idea that you could talk finances with your dc and they wouldn't then talk about it with their husbands is ridiculous, especially if the amount of money you were providing would dramatically change their lives - as an example, if MIL gave my DH enough money for a house deposit, we'd still be buying together so of course he would talk to me about it - and if MIL had always been skint we would probably chat about the change of fortune etc.

Also, have you considered that the DC with the husband who asked you for more is actually under his control - I would imagine he pushed her to ask, she refused so he forced his way in. Instead of backing away from that dc, you should be ensuring you maintain a relationship where you can (but giving no further money) incase she needs your help later.

I'm not sure if you realise, but your comments it looks now like I have no worth to them other than how much money I can give them (and partners) makes you seem quite petulant. You clearly expected a certain type of grateful response from your dc and because they haven't provided it, you are annoyed.

It if I was you, I’d also be expecting my DCs to not share all of my personal financial situation with their partners BUT from their perspective, that is the one person they trust and can talk about anything. Obviously the people in question could range from wanting more money or could be saying, good we don’t have to worry about mum as she’s got her inheritance/lottery win etc
So I think only share what you want both of them to know.
SIL sounds rude and if he’s not actually a SAHP then don’t describe him as one! Say unemployed layabout.
Good luck!

SIL is married to my DC not me and should realise the difference. I will keep it in mind that I should not discuss anything with my DC if I dont want it to be common knowledge.

OP this seems quite melodramatic TBH. You DC discussed it with their partners, they did not take out an ad in the local paper. It is not 'common knowledge' for a couple to discuss things. It's really quite common. I know pretty much as much about my FIL financial position as my OH does. My OH does not consider that telling me is making things common knowledge. Neither of us would discuss that with anyone else. I think you are wrong to assume that if you tell your DC things they won't tell their partners and if you're not happy for things to be shared like that then there is no need to share things in the first place. This is esp true when it comes to finances as many couples join their finances to at least some degree so one person coming into money is highly relevant to the other.

Can you tell us more about what SIL asked for more money for and how it was done?

If you really think the children are being abused or neglected I wonder if it's worth exploring other threads on MN to think about how you can report that anonymously.

Firstly, I would like to say how wonderful I think it is that you would like to try and make your DCs life easier. It is enormously generous to share your good fortune with them.

Please, please do not feel any guilt about withdrawing from the situation. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Use the money and go treat yourself - it sounds as though you have gone without for most of your adult life. I’m sure you have passions of your own so see if you can find charities that are linked to those and give them some support. We are living in tough times and I am sure they would be most grateful!

Most importantly, remember that you do not owe anyone an inheritance OR an explanation. You sound like a lovely, caring, sensible person so good luck in the future.

@FranklySonImTheGaffer talking about the money to be gifted is one thing and could hardly go unnoticed but talking about my whole personal financial position is not good, and perhaps that is what lead SIL to think there was more money and he wanted more.

I do think that both those DC are under a fair bit of pressure from others and I realise that my position makes me a target for certain types. I have proved myself to be capable of standing on my own two feet and faced adversity in my own life. I would hope that my DC know that if they were in dire straits I would help them if they decided to leave their situations but they have to make that decision in the first place, I can not go and physically haul them out of their house.
The comment about my only use to them covers a whole pile of things such as they expect me to help them with money babysitting etc but they dont hold conversations with me as they drop kids etc.
I dont need anyone fawning over me but I do need relief from constant high drama and shouting and swearing. If my DC want out of their situations I can help but only if they start the process

I would even them all to the same final amount, with everything laid out to each in a letter so they all know about the loan, if its evened up then the one with the loan will then know its all been made fair and they don't need to pay back which may mean they build a relationship with you again (if you would welcome this) State in the letter that this is the sum total of your financial support and anything else will be laid out in your will. Then see a solicitor and make a detailed will after thinking carefully, leave each DC an equal amount or leave everything to friends, cats and dogs or any other cause you care about. In the meantime make your own life as easy and comfortable as possible, move if you fancy a new start, its all up to you, just be sure you are very clear in your letter that nothing more is forthcoming loan, gift or otherwise.

Yeah I wouldn't give DC3 or 4 any more money.

@altiara I have not made my DC aware of just how much money is involved. They made an assumption and have not just discussed that mum is giving £x but also that mum has £xyz. I wont be telling them any of the details now. You really made me laugh with your description of SIL. You have been more accurate then me. I was being too polite.
@Lightsontbut I dont think my finances should be discussed with SILs or anyone for that matter. That is bad enough but they have also been discussing things with other people such as their friends and even a HCP! They have estimated my finances and they have not been accurate in their estimate. I have not told them anything and won't now as it has caused all this strife. SIL put the request in an email, so silly of him to do that. He wanted a more expensive version of the same thing that the money was for. I dont see him putting any money forward (or him asking his family to match my offer). I have made enquiries about what to do if I suspect problems but I have been told DCs have to make the first move. I cant even get to speak to them alone which is another worry. All the signs are there but it has to come from them.
@KittyKattyKate thank you for your kind words. I really do appreciate kind words on this subject. I wanted to help but it has all gone so bad now that it is not a road I will ever go there again as a result. I have never been selfish and it is hard to change that. Thanks again

@StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes I think your plan of putting it all on paper with explanations of how the end figure is arrived at is excellent. I will do that
@bluebeck thank you for your comment. I agree with that