Am I a bad parent? Please tell me how you coped

[MusicalTrifleMonkey]

Hello,

I have a 3 month old son and I don’t understand why I’m finding it so hard. All the other mothers I talk to (around 10 mums with babies who range between 2 and 6 months) regularly are all coping so well. They go to exercise classes, some go into work, some work from home, run their own businesses Etc. I am failing so badly. My days consist of getting through. I play with him (books, toys, talking, nursery rhymes etc), feed him, change him, he naps, bathe him, I take him for walks. I get some housework done if I pop him on his play mat or in his Moses basket. Thats it, that’s my life. Every single other mother said they stayed up to ring the new year in. How?! I’m so exhausted, there’s no way I could have done that, let alone drink anything. I was in bed by 8, up at 10 and I was up at 12 but feeding my boy. What’s wrong with me? They all also tend to stay up to have an hour or so with their partners, if I don’t go to sleep as soon as DS does then I might only get an hour before he’s up again. Most nights I don’t bother with dinner or DH brings me something whilst I’m in bed.
DS isn’t a great sleeper, he has awful, painful gas and silent reflux so some nights I will stay awake for hours to hold him so he doesn’t have to lie on his back which really upsets him. He does around 2-3 hours max and then is up every 30 minutes to 2 hours after that to breastfeed or because he has brought acid up. He had gaviscon but it made him constipated so I stopped it. The last doctor said bringing up acid is normal so no other medication.
I would love to co-sleep as we did it once or twice for a few hours and he slept better but I realised my mattress is too soft and I can’t afford a new one right now so it’s too dangerous.

I’m so exhausted. When DH isn’t here I don’t eat much and barely brush my hair, I just don’t seem to get the time. I see other mothers get their hair done and wear make up, how? I look horrendous, the bags under my eyes are shocking. I saw a colleague the other day and she couldn’t hide her expression at the state of me, plus I have had relatives tell me how tired I look (not in a mean way).

I have been up for hours tonight and I had to play peekaboo at one point to hide from my boy the fact that I was crying because I didn’t want to stress him out. Why am I messing up so badly when other mums are doing so well?

I don’t have any family support but my DH is around 3 days a week so I can’t complain. He’s great, although I’m breastfeeding and DS often falls asleep on my lap (if I try to pop him down he wakes which is fair enough he is only small!) so the only break I get is if DH takes DS for a walk in the pram which he does try to but the weather has been so bad recently that it’s been hard. When he is here he does play with DS so I Can have a shower and he is great at making me food etc.
Some of the mothers I speak to have postnatal depression, some have children going through the terrible four month sleep regression, some also have toddlers as well as their babies but ALL are coping better than me. I feel like I’m letting my little man down. I wanted to go part time freelance this year to give him a better life as my old job would mean no income after childcare but I just can’t see how I’m going to do it.

Please tell me how you got by? Anything you can tell me would really help. People keep saying I’ll get used to the exhaustion and it will become normal but when? I have a lot of headaches and often feel sick. I have also signed up for counselling to cope with low moods but I won’t get the phone call till February as they’re so busy. I love my DS to pieces and am so happy he is here, so why am I so rubbish at being his mum? Surely things will only get worse as he naps less and needs more attention from me as I’m like a zombie already...

Oh I don’t know why there is voting, I meant to post this in parenting!

It’s also really long, I’m so sorry

It’s really hard, I think lots of people make up how well they are doing so I would take what they say with a pinch of salt.

I’ve got 4 & 2 year old and went to bed at 10 on NYE, value sleep much more than saying happy new year.

This month is going to be hard as it’s cold and dark and wet but hopefully things will pick up in feb. Hang in there, it gets easier and less boring!

At 3 months I was focused purely on survival! As long as DS was fed, clean, warm and cuddled everything was fine. DS is now almost 5 and I still don't stay up on NYE as he is an early riser and it isn't worth it. It is just this year that I am thinking I can start to invest time and energy in self care.

The other mums either have easy going babies who sleep well or have lots of family help or are lying. You are doing amazing and it will get easier.

They probably don't have a baby with reflux? They're exaggerating? Don't be hard on yourself it sounds normal. I don't know much about reflux but I think it's supposed to ease off at 12 weeks - someone else will be able to give advice on that.

Don't compare yourself to other people either. You don't actually know for sure what is going on. People can make a comment or post on Insta and it's only a snapshot of their day.

Anyone who says they aren't tired with a 3 month old is making stuff up or uploading very selective stuff to the Internet.
Sounds like you are doing a great job and paying your baby lots of attention. It does get better, as well. You're in the eye of the storm right now!

Also I didnt know anyone working when their DC was 3mo. Everyone I knew took at least 6mo mat leave and most 9-12mo.

Does he nap? At 3 months we had just started getting a vague routine with ds2 (hes 6 months now) in that nap 1 was around 1.5 hours after waking on a morning. I made it my mission to use that time (normally 30-45 mins) to shower and have a cup of tea. That's when our day would actually start.

If he reflux is that bad have you tried elimination in your own diet? I've found if I eat eggs ds gets green poos and horrid wind so have cut those while I'm bf.

Does your dh work away the rest of the week and only around 3 days?

And ot is bloody hard, especially the first time when it's such a huge change and a major shock to the system. Its right when people say noone can prepare you

YANBU OP.

Having a new baby is so, so hard. I felt just like you: like I’d been hit by a train and had made a huge mistake.

I think on reflection I had PND, and I would urge you to speak to your GP.

But firstly, give yourself a break! 3 months is no time at all- it’s all still so new. Believe me, the other Mums are feeling just like you are.

I found it got easier at 8 months and enjoyable at 11 months, but it’s different for everyone.

Do you have much help from your baby’s Dad or from your family? You’re allowed to form a support bubble as your baby is under 1.

Please don’t beat yourself up- you’re doing great. Go for a walk in the pram every day with him- even if you can’t leave the house before 4pm- as it’ll help.

Also, groups like Sing and Sign and Baby Sensory are great and will do online Zoom classes - brilliant for meeting other mum’s even virtually.

Don’t worry about not showering or brushing your hair, that’s normal, just make sure you eat as it’ll make such a difference to your mood.

Remember: you can sleep train if you need to. We did at 7 months and it was a lifesaver. Everything went wrong for us: breastfeeding, bad birth, weaning, you name it.

But time is a great healer, now we’re all fine, and I have a very happy 20 month old.

Getting childcare really helps too- remember you can go back to work if you want to. Research nurseries when you get chance do you have that option.

Good luck- this bit really is the hardest, but it will pass very soon.

Please don't compare yourself to the other mums who seem put together. They're probably getting a lot more help than u and if they are formula feeding then they aren't going through the sheer exhaustion and hard work of breastfeeding. I breastfed for over a year and can honestly say it does get easier (for me around the 4 or 5 month mark). After cluster feeding dies down your baby will want to feed less and it just gets easier.

I found the first ten months of my son's life really hard and can assure you that that's normal. You're not a failure and I think you're doing great

Everything was so hard when DD was three months. Dont compare yourself to other mums, they are not you and you have no idea how they are feeling, or even really how they are coping. You're utterly exhausted and are doing the absolute best by your son.

Re the reflux, do go back to the GP. There are other meds that can help him, acid reflux may be normal but it doesn't mean he should have to suffer.

Stop comparing first off!

A reflux-y baby that doesn’t sleep is HARD. I had one, he nearly broke me and my DH.

I think it might be worth speaking to your GP though, I think some of the things you’ve said are PND indicators.

I think your DH does need to be doing more though. Could you express so he can take the baby for longer? You sound in need of a break.

Practical things that helped me: getting up and showered before my DH went to work, prep breakfast and lunch the night before so you definitely eat. Prioritise sleep as much as you can, sod housework, if you get the chance to sit down and nap (if you can) take it.

Finally, go back to your GP about the reflux, there’s more they can do than just gaviscon

You sound utterly exhausted.

Can you go back to the GP for different meds? Baby is uncomfortable, they really ought to offer more help or advice.

Can you get a baby nest type thing? Baby can sleep in bed with you, but in his own area.

Or a firm mattress topper? Cheaper than a new mattress.

It's so, so difficult to see the woods for the trees if you are only snatching an hour or two of sleep at a time. I remember it well. You sound like you are trying so hard. Don't compare yourself to others, just muddle through as best you can. This time will pass, things will get easier. But lack of sleep is utterly brutal. Go easy on yourself.

I could have written this 5 years ago. He would nap on walks or on me but as soon as I lay him down he'd be awake. It was a dark time in my life. He had silent reflux as well. We obviously made it through but when we reminisce we are always amazed at how. I can almost guarantee those other mothers have the same thoughts. Some babies are just good sleepers and sleep is everything. It sounds like you're doing everything right. I lost count of the times I'd break down in the middle of the night after trying to put him down for the 8th time... It did end and we had another. I did co sleep with the second as there was no way i could look after my eldest if she was as bad as him. Just take one day at a time x

Try being kinder to yourself and stop comparing yourself to others, it sounds like you are being an amazing mum with little support. it will get better, trust me but for the moment just breathe and survive, nothing lasts forever and I recall at 3 months with my first I barely functioned and I had a lot of support with a tricky baby, now he is a lovely young man!

Get a sling and whilst I didn't co-sleep , my husband came home from work every day to find us both on the bed asleep! We also used the slow cooker lots and I had a packed lunch prepared daily

You're not a bad parent. You are doing everything your baby needs, feeding, playing, he's dry and warm, you're taking him for walks. That is all he needs.
Im not sure what's going on with those other mums but I do know you need to stop comparing yourself. You don't know what's going on behind closed doors.
Up until about 6 months with my first baby I barely had any 1:1 time with my husband. I slept when baby slept, even if that meant bed at 6pm. I never had hair/make up done. I lived in track suits covered in sick. She was just really really high needs and it wasn't until I had my second that I realised how high needs she was. I didn't have any family help either and it was tough.
All I can say is do whatever gets you through now. My first is now 3 and the easiest 3 year old I know. Others are a talking about their "threenagers" and the difficulty they're having and my high needs baby is now a little angel you can take anywhere. She's so smart, can read a bit and add/subtract. She's kind to her brother and just generally a lovely kid.
So, it will get better.
Google Dr Sears High Needs Baby and see does it resonate.
Take all the help your DH can give.
Don't worry about what others are doing.
You can do this.

I just want to give you a hug. I.found those early days so hard (non sleeper here too) . I wish I had of gotten help for anxiety earlier. Not sure if that's relevant for you, but might be worth a chat with your doctor? I just wanted to.let you know that you're not alone in your feelings xx

Who are these other mothers?! At 3 months I was having almost daily breakdowns and so were all my fellow NCT mums!

3 months is so hard-it was the worst leap for my boy who was cranky and such hard work all day. At this point they are also barely napping for more than 40 odd minutes at a time which isn't enough to do anything! All totally normal at this age.

Just keep going OP, you are doing amazingly! I also used to be in bed almost as soon as my son was.

I know it's such a cliche but for me, 3 months was the lowest and it got so much better in such a short space of time from there. Then 6 months hit and he started to properly nap, then slowly sleep through and now we have a good routine where I get some me time.

Honestly, don't compare yourself to them. I think they are in the minority!

Also, eat. Particularly when breastfeeding it's do important. My husband used to make a plate of sandwiches before going to work, cut them up and put them in fridge. Then I could grab with one hand while "coping" with baby. Also boiled eggs peeled in fridge are easy to eat with one hand and good protein.

Oh sweetheart. I say this as a FTM of a 5 month old. REFLUX is a bitch. I was exactly the same- I struggled way more than it sounds like you are! I honestly wanted to just walk out and leave. Couldn’t understand how much easier other people had it - and they did have it easier. No point saying ‘oh they may be struggling behind closed doors’. Nope they had easier babies. Mine screamed all the time. Couldn’t even put her down to eat.

She had undiagnosed cmpa and reflux and was a different baby when I went dairy free. Some people just have easier babies 🤷‍♀️☹️

Hi OP

My daughter had silent reflux and I felt the same as you. Months of sleep deprivation will do that that. It's hard As you feel like you should be enjoying your baby, and that other mothers are doing it better, but your situation is different and it's all about survival at the moment. We tried the gaviscon and also tilting the moses basket, which helped a little. Try to nap when the baby naps. What really helped was a sling as well. Keeps baby upright while you cab get on with things and they often go to sleep easily as they're upright. I got one with clips at the front that let me slowly lower baby out and sometimes she would stay asleep.

Can you afford a next to me crib?

Honestly though, it was just time that helped. This won't last forever. You sound like you're doing just fine. You just need to get through each day, prioritise rest for yourself, and try not to compare yourself to the other mums.

This was me when I had my first. I was an absolute nightmare for comparing and despairing as I thought I was making such a bad job of being a parent as everyone else seemed to be doing so much better. I now see I wasn't but that's with the benefit of hindsight that you can't yet have as you're right in the thick of it. And the lack of sleep, urgh, I now see why it's used as a form or torture, it really really really hit me.

You are not a bad parent at all, you sound responsive and caring and lovely. Your child is lucky to have you. Please be kind to yourself and realise how well you're doing. I mean this more than ever as you've been parenting through a pandemic when a lot of groups and support systems aren't allowed because of restrictions. And it's bloody freezing so getting out isn't always that pleasant either.

Keep going day by day and know there's a lot of support on here if you need it or us xx

The best piece of advice I ever read on here is comparison is the theft of joy!! Stop comparing yourself to the other mums, their babies are different and for them to go to exercise classes etc they are having help, baby sitters or family etc. Can you get those cot raising things that angle the cot to help with reflux? Also can you try expressing breastmilk so on the days your dp is with your baby you can get some real good sleep? Maybe start a food diary of what you eat and when baby has bad reflux as maybe something in your diet that could be triggering it. But the main thing here is to give yourself a break, stop being so hard on yourself. You are doing a great job!!

I had a very easy baby with no reflux or wind issues and I promise you I was still shattered and ungroomed and sleeping whenever I could. It gets easier

@MusicalTrifleMonkey it sounds normal to me! I have a 21 month old, and I was in bed by 8:30pm!!
You are doing everything your baby needs and that’s more than enough. It’s so tiring though. I do usually feel like I’m failing too because the house is messy and I’m always tired, but sounds like it’s normal! Take care of yourself