Am I a bad parent? Please tell me how you coped

[MusicalTrifleMonkey]

Hello,

I have a 3 month old son and I don’t understand why I’m finding it so hard. All the other mothers I talk to (around 10 mums with babies who range between 2 and 6 months) regularly are all coping so well. They go to exercise classes, some go into work, some work from home, run their own businesses Etc. I am failing so badly. My days consist of getting through. I play with him (books, toys, talking, nursery rhymes etc), feed him, change him, he naps, bathe him, I take him for walks. I get some housework done if I pop him on his play mat or in his Moses basket. Thats it, that’s my life. Every single other mother said they stayed up to ring the new year in. How?! I’m so exhausted, there’s no way I could have done that, let alone drink anything. I was in bed by 8, up at 10 and I was up at 12 but feeding my boy. What’s wrong with me? They all also tend to stay up to have an hour or so with their partners, if I don’t go to sleep as soon as DS does then I might only get an hour before he’s up again. Most nights I don’t bother with dinner or DH brings me something whilst I’m in bed.
DS isn’t a great sleeper, he has awful, painful gas and silent reflux so some nights I will stay awake for hours to hold him so he doesn’t have to lie on his back which really upsets him. He does around 2-3 hours max and then is up every 30 minutes to 2 hours after that to breastfeed or because he has brought acid up. He had gaviscon but it made him constipated so I stopped it. The last doctor said bringing up acid is normal so no other medication.
I would love to co-sleep as we did it once or twice for a few hours and he slept better but I realised my mattress is too soft and I can’t afford a new one right now so it’s too dangerous.

I’m so exhausted. When DH isn’t here I don’t eat much and barely brush my hair, I just don’t seem to get the time. I see other mothers get their hair done and wear make up, how? I look horrendous, the bags under my eyes are shocking. I saw a colleague the other day and she couldn’t hide her expression at the state of me, plus I have had relatives tell me how tired I look (not in a mean way).

I have been up for hours tonight and I had to play peekaboo at one point to hide from my boy the fact that I was crying because I didn’t want to stress him out. Why am I messing up so badly when other mums are doing so well?

I don’t have any family support but my DH is around 3 days a week so I can’t complain. He’s great, although I’m breastfeeding and DS often falls asleep on my lap (if I try to pop him down he wakes which is fair enough he is only small!) so the only break I get is if DH takes DS for a walk in the pram which he does try to but the weather has been so bad recently that it’s been hard. When he is here he does play with DS so I Can have a shower and he is great at making me food etc.
Some of the mothers I speak to have postnatal depression, some have children going through the terrible four month sleep regression, some also have toddlers as well as their babies but ALL are coping better than me. I feel like I’m letting my little man down. I wanted to go part time freelance this year to give him a better life as my old job would mean no income after childcare but I just can’t see how I’m going to do it.

Please tell me how you got by? Anything you can tell me would really help. People keep saying I’ll get used to the exhaustion and it will become normal but when? I have a lot of headaches and often feel sick. I have also signed up for counselling to cope with low moods but I won’t get the phone call till February as they’re so busy. I love my DS to pieces and am so happy he is here, so why am I so rubbish at being his mum? Surely things will only get worse as he naps less and needs more attention from me as I’m like a zombie already...

What you're feeling and how you're coping is entirely normal. And I mean normal for a baby without reflux. Waking that often and getting that little sleep would make anyone feel like they weren't coping. Be kind to yourself, and go back to another doctor and explain how much its affecting him and you.

I was the same as you with my first! He was a terrible sleeper, wouldn't be put down etc. I was exhausted and hardly found time to shower. The second time was sooo different. Honestly, having a good sleeper makes such a huge difference. Ds2 slept well at night so I woke up feeling refreshed instead of feeling like I'd been hit by a bus. Then he would nap well so I'd have time to put make up on, go out and do things, sort the house. And when he was awake he was content so I wasn't frazzled by constant crying. The difference between the two was amazing. You are doing nothing wrong - it's just the hand you've been dealt and you will get through it! My first is 4 now and an absolute joy if that helps. Fwiw, the only woman I know who returned to work before 3 months had a live-in nanny and her mum moved in to do the night shifts with the baby.

I was over of those mums your describe. I had make up and straightened hair and went out to parties with baby in a sling in me, and had a ball. I shared the nights (formula feeding)!and had a good sleeper, so I genuinely wasn't tired, and went back to work at 4m. I hosted parties and baked for them.

A year on, the make up had gone. I was lucky to find time to brush my hair, let alone straighten it, I was tired as the 4m sleep regression forever changed my daughter's good sleep, and I found it hard. Just at the point when others seemed to be finding it easier.

When I had my second, I found similar. Though this time I was breastfeeding, so couldn't share the nights the same. I found it fine at first, and harder later. Baby was also doing back to back 2-3 hour stretches as a newborn, but gave that up later.

I just personally find babies a lot easier than older children. A lot of people find it the other way round, and struggle with a baby but find toddlers fine.

It's perfectly normal to struggle with a baby, but it's perfectly normal not to as well as we are all different, and parent different babies.

When a stage is difficult, remember that it does pass, and perhaps you'll find life very different with an older baby or toddler.

I had an ‘easy’ baby, and tbh I still struggled badly. I spent most of the first two months crying into the top of her head until I went on antidepressants. Even then, I barely ate and my day was only really wrapped in looking after her. I was all about survival. No showers, hair brushing, the works. I just felt I couldn’t cope. And this was with a DH who was home every day by 5pm and every weekend!

In my opinion you are doing fantastic if you are managing any housework with a baby that isn’t a great sleeper and has wind pains and reflux! Other ‘baby mums’ out and about can be a bit like social media - nobody really tends to air their struggles. So try not to think of it like that.

I went to some of the mum and baby exercise classes eventually, and did some baby groups, but this was when these were allowed and accessible, so you already have it harder! Some places are doing online baby classes if that was something you fancied to try and break up the day a bit?

I also went to bed as soon as my DD did until she slept more reliably when she was older, now I go to bed at a more normal (albeit early) time. We didn’t stay up til midnight on NYE either. It will get easier as the baby gets older. She’s a toddler now and I am a world away from the struggling mum I was. That said - we have decided I don’t want any more children!

I sometimes think that mums who find it all really easy just don't care quite so much? Not that that's necessarily a good thing or a bad thing. But I didn't realise that loads of people just leave a baby to cry for a few minutes if they need to do something (quick tidy up, fold some clothes, put on a bit of make up etc) whereas I cant bear to hear a baby cry for even 30 seconds! Doesn't make them a bad parent for "ignoring" their baby, doesn't make me a bad parent for never getting anything done and always being knackered. Honestly honestly stop worrying about "everyone else" (I promise that there are loads of us who recognise/relate to what you're saying!) You just have to carve your own way through xx

Ps 3 months is EARLY days! This isn't your life now forever this is just your life right now with a newborn

They will be embellishing how well they are coping. I also had a very hard time, I went to a lot of baby groups and I would have come across as coping admirably well.
My son is 2 and still doesn’t sleep through. I only survived by cosleeping, It wasn’t something I wanted to do but he would scream blue murder in a cot, and woke up instantly as soon as I tried putting him down. He’d scream all day unless I was holding him, I couldn’t even go for a wee without him having a meltdown and he had colic and used to Scream every afternoon until late on. My OH had to come home a few times from work on my bad days as I’d phone him in tears unable to cope.
Cosleeping and a sling saved my sanity. As in a sling he was being held and I could Do things like go for a wee and eat. Before that I was literally stuck on the sofa breastfeeding too scared to move in case he started screaming again.
It will get better, but it might not feel like it at the time. Mine was about 9 months when I started seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I think his colic must have gone as the afternoon screaming would stop and he’d be happy in a bouncer for 10 minutes while I had a shower etc.

rebrand! i rebranded being baby trappes as sleepy cuddles and it honestly changed my life! never feel guilty for sleepy snuggles mine are 2 and 4 and if id realised how quickly it changes id have never let them sleep anywhere else. stop comparing yourself and lower your goals. survival is winning. and everyone else either has easy babies or is blagging. new mums are all winging it some are just better than others. if your baby is loved anf fed and played with you are winning at life. plenty of time to shower and exercise later. also have you considered cmpa for the reflux? worth talking to the dr about mý sister removed dairy from her diet and the change was incredible. also do you have a stretchy sling? i used to pop them in there an potter but not all babies get on with them. you are doing a great job mama. hang in there x

That sleep pattern sounds horrific to me! Anything less than two hours at a time I struggled with hugely.

Don't worry about DS being stressed by a few tears. Your closeness, holding him, is much more important to him. (Even at the age of two or more, mine didn't really understand that wet eyes/teardrops on cheeks of an adult means crying because child crying is much noisier!) Now is a great time to teach him the difference between day and night by playing, making eye contact etc just in the daytime. Night time you'll provide comfort, closeness, milk, but keep it as unstimulating as possible. When someone advised this I found it took the pressure off me a bit and I could just zone out knowing my baby was still getting what she/he needed.

A silent reflux baby is horrific. We have 4 DC the one with silent reflux nearly broke us, I still feel traumatised by it 16 years later.

They kept telling me it was a touch of colic

In the end I bottle fed with gaviscon and it improved (the constipation settled) then weaning was another milestone.

She was over a year before she napped during the day and slept well overnight.

Every baby is different though some are fairly easy, others are hard work, some are really really really hard work. It's just ur luck. With my first at 3 months old I was living the dream. She slept from 8pm to 9/10am always. There was no lockdown, mat leave was a big holiday for me it was the best time, loved it.

My second was not a dream baby. Some nights she'd go to bed at 10pm but wake up at 12 and wldnt go bk to sleep till anywhere between 5-7am. So I wld be getting by on 2hrs sleep and have an active toddler to look after too. I've found it sooo much harder than I expected with 2. Lockdown hasn't helped either as nothing to do with them 😕 Youngest is 1 now and mostly sleeping through or sleeping most of the night, it does get easier (well harder in other ways, I'm now chasing her all day).

Huge sympathies OP, I had a baby with reflux and well remember the frequent feeding, constant projectile vomiting, and having to sit upright for hours at night. I was so exhausted.

One thing I did was made sure I left the house every single day. Not for baby's sake - they don't care at that age, as long as they're with you - but for my mental health. I remember seeing friends and barely being able to get a sentence out because I was so exhausted.

Interestingly a year or so ago I was talking with a friend about how I felt for the first 6 months of DC's life and she commented how she had been jealous of me because I seemed so put together and was always out of the house doing things. I had genuinely never realised I was giving off that impression. I was more concerned at the time that my new mum friends would think I was wierd because of how sleep deprivation makes you feel / act. Appearances can be very deceiving!

Please try not to be too hard on yourself, it sounds like you're doing a fantastic job under difficult circumstances

I could have written that post 20 years ago! I too couldn't fathom why I was struggling so much when other mum seem to enjoy it all blissfully.

Of course I got the 'yiur baby is fretting because you're anxious' crap.

Looking back, I now know I just had babies who were much more demanding than the average. They needed slot if stimulation, slept much less and easily interrupted, and couldn't stand to be put down. They were hard work babies.

However, the role was reversed 3gen they got older. They were easier toddlers than the average, and also much easier teenagers.

Not all babirs, toddlers, children, teenagers are the same and some are harder work at a particular stage.

OP I don't know about your friends but my experience was exactly the same as yours and, looking around, it seemed very normal. Everyone I knew was pretty much like us - one I remember reckoned it wasn't but I suspect that was bullshit. It was like that for me for the first 6 months, then things started to get gradually easier. Keep pushing through - you're doing great X

I'm not sure those mums are necessarily embellishing, I think the fact of the matter is their babies don't have reflux and are not as high needs as yours. If they were, their mums would be looking and feeling the way you do. Which is normal, though awful, with a reflux baby.

So can you change your mindset? You're struggling more because it's harder for you. Just is. You're not getting much sleep and you're breastfeeding all day long. Anyone who has been there will totally get it. Just be selective about who you listen to. You'll always find people who understand on here.

So you're killing it OP and the only thing you need to make a plan to change about is eating. Freeze as many leftovers as you can for a lunch you can defrost in the AM and heat up at lunch. Your dp can be on soup duty and when you're feeding your baby you can drink a cup of thick soup with one hand. Get some good food into you - please!

Also you're 2 months away from a gentle start to solids which often works wonders for BF reflux baby - can be a simple cure. Whether you try further meds or not, keep that in mind.

You sound like you’re exactly the same as I was at that stage and I thought I was doing a good job. Agree with previous posters, lots of people aren’t very honest about what really happens in their house (or their head) and people give their babies different amounts of attention too, depending on them and their babies needs. I think it sounds like you’re doing a really good job and that you’re a really patient, kind and considerate mum. I really hope the sleep improves soon. For me it was absolutely and utterly awful until my boy started eating at 5/6 months and then in quick succession, he started sleeping much better at night and moved into his own room and things felt very different and much more manageable. I say, just keep on going and accept all the help that comes your way, x

Agree also that most mums I know were in a similar boat at this stage, particularly ones with babies with additional needs like reflux or allergies or breastfeeding difficulties.

What was your sleep like before your baby? Some people need more sleep than others and find the disruptions to sleep more difficult than others. Some of my friends who have older children than yours still go to bed a 9pm! Parenting is tiring!

You're doing a great job, it sounds like all your baby's needs are met and that's what matters most. All babies are different, it's difficult at times and some babies/children are more work at different stages than others. I remember thinking I should be so much more productive when I was on mat leave and feeling a failure, which looking back I think was ridiculous of me.

You sound like you're doing a wonderful job. Your baby is thriving. These first months are the hardest with lack of sleep but things improve, you'll get through.

Be kind to yourself. Avoid comparing yourself with others, there are always babies that sleep through from their 1st month, and glamorous perfect mothers, who knows what is really going on though.. your baby is just doing their own thing.

You will get through this bit... I remember I counted it as a great day if I could get a shower in the evening when dh came home. As for New Year I was feeding our baby at the bells while dh snored in bed!

You have so much to look forward to. Not least your first summer with your child.

Mine are teens now and when I look back it's all a hazy sleep deprived blur, but a lovely one. It gets easier. Hang in there.

I didn't play much with my babies when they were 3 months old. In fact, a lot of the time I simply held them while I read, chilled on my phone or ate. Or they sat in the bouncer with a couple of toys and watched me doing housework, showering etc. Nap time was me time, as well. As soon as they slept, I was asleep too. I did all chores when they were awake. They didn't mind, in fact you can talk to them and make them laugh while emptying the dishwasher or chopping an onion. No need for more than a nursery rhyme a day at 3 months old in my opinion!
I would write a very detailed diary of 2 or 3 typical days and work out where you can get some time to yourself. It sounds as if you are very harsh on yourself - you want to be the perfect mum without feeling tired or fed up, that just isn't possible! You need to look after yourself just as much as you look after your baby or you won't cope. So if you need to eat and shower, do just that - pop your baby in the bouncer and do what you need to do.

It sounds from your post that you're taking care of your baby really well. I agree with what other posters said about making comparisons and also getting a sling/baby carrier for naps/walks. Getting out in the fresh air once or twice a day can really help. Make sure you have easily accessible snacks and water and rest as much as you can while baby is napping. One thing that helped me was listening to guided meditations while my baby was napping on me... Stopped me thinking about all the housework that needed doing and helped me use that time to relax. Congratulations on your baby!

Comparison is the thief of all joy! Delete your social media apps and stop comparing yourself.
Co-sleep if that will make your life easier. Dw about the mattress.
Some babies are hard and some are easy (I’ve had 2 of each). You are doing a great job!!

I’ve felt like this so many times too! My son is 2 now, I found the first few months so hard and I still often feel everyone is doing it better than me. So I guess all I can say is probably most new mothers feel like that. I did notice friends with babies that slept well seemed better, sleep is everything! My son has had good sleep phases and it amazes me how much more capable I feel when we’re well rested (he’s going through a phase of waking quite a lot right now though...).

Another thing is everyone will tell you it gets better and that’s true but it’s often so gradual that you barely notice it until you look back a few weeks. Everyone told me 12 weeks old was the magic turning point and when I didn’t immediately feel better I felt so disappointed.

I’ve never been a baby person I’m glad that stage is over, toddlers are hard too but I’m loving getting to know him more and I can’t wait until he can talk!

Do the other mums have children already? It's totally normal to struggle with the massive adjustment of your first, it's a complete shock to the system. If you have had kids already obviously you know what to expect and are used to a high level of disruption and some sleep deprivation so take it more in your stride.

Also everyone enjoys the different stages of childhood more, some people just aren't great at the newborn stage. I definitely wasn't! When your babies become toddlers you may thrive whilst some of the other mums struggle. Not that you want them to struggle of course but everyone has bits they find harder than others.

Let me share two things I've learned as a parent..

1. IT IS REALLY REALLY FUCKING HARD
2. OTHER PARENTS LIE

3months is still so tiny and every month is a massive change...so comparing yourself to a mum of a 6m old is really not going to help you out!

All the mums I met when LO was born were on their second baby and seemed to be finding it all so easy...until one night in desperation i messaged on the group chat about what a failure I was as my baby would not sleep...they were all like, hey, we're up too, it's normal! They just hadn't said anything!

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job, really putting your son first.

I do think you might benefit from speaking to a doctor or HV about how you're feeling though. Make sure your partner knows too. Early motherhood is a very difficult time and you need people to be looking after you, so you can look after baby.

One thing that really stuck out was that you sometimes (often?) miss dinner. Eating regularly is so important as you are breastfeeding. You absolutely must be stuffing your face pretty much constantly to cope with the extra demands on your body, otherwise you will feel awful.

1. stop the guilt.

2.eat, regularly - meals and snacks. ASK FOR HELP. If you don't have time to prepare meals, your DH/friend/parent needs to step up and have some food ready to go for you you can just grab from the fridge etc.

1. speak to your doctor/hv/partner about how you are feeling

xx

I used to live next door to an insta-mum. Her life was a heap of chaos. Our dc were the same age although she only had one whereas I had an older dd too.

Her house was piled up with junk, she rarely opened her curtains her dc ate dairylea dunkers in front of the constantly playing Disney films. Neither of them were ever dressed in anything but pyjamas or old tracksuits.

I would hear her yelling her head off when she would take a picture of her and her dd for her insta. On Mother's Day she set up this great big picnic on the lawn. Obviously the blankets had to be MASSIVE as the grass was dead. She and her dd wore matching lace dresses and big sunglasses and floppy hats. There were teapots and pastries and exotic fruit. Probably the first fruit the dd had ever seen. There was yelling and crying. Possibly why the sunglasses were needed!

The photos were glorious. The tracksuits were put back on and the dairylea and Disney film regime was restored.