Am I a bad parent? Please tell me how you coped

[MusicalTrifleMonkey]

Hello,

I have a 3 month old son and I don’t understand why I’m finding it so hard. All the other mothers I talk to (around 10 mums with babies who range between 2 and 6 months) regularly are all coping so well. They go to exercise classes, some go into work, some work from home, run their own businesses Etc. I am failing so badly. My days consist of getting through. I play with him (books, toys, talking, nursery rhymes etc), feed him, change him, he naps, bathe him, I take him for walks. I get some housework done if I pop him on his play mat or in his Moses basket. Thats it, that’s my life. Every single other mother said they stayed up to ring the new year in. How?! I’m so exhausted, there’s no way I could have done that, let alone drink anything. I was in bed by 8, up at 10 and I was up at 12 but feeding my boy. What’s wrong with me? They all also tend to stay up to have an hour or so with their partners, if I don’t go to sleep as soon as DS does then I might only get an hour before he’s up again. Most nights I don’t bother with dinner or DH brings me something whilst I’m in bed.
DS isn’t a great sleeper, he has awful, painful gas and silent reflux so some nights I will stay awake for hours to hold him so he doesn’t have to lie on his back which really upsets him. He does around 2-3 hours max and then is up every 30 minutes to 2 hours after that to breastfeed or because he has brought acid up. He had gaviscon but it made him constipated so I stopped it. The last doctor said bringing up acid is normal so no other medication.
I would love to co-sleep as we did it once or twice for a few hours and he slept better but I realised my mattress is too soft and I can’t afford a new one right now so it’s too dangerous.

I’m so exhausted. When DH isn’t here I don’t eat much and barely brush my hair, I just don’t seem to get the time. I see other mothers get their hair done and wear make up, how? I look horrendous, the bags under my eyes are shocking. I saw a colleague the other day and she couldn’t hide her expression at the state of me, plus I have had relatives tell me how tired I look (not in a mean way).

I have been up for hours tonight and I had to play peekaboo at one point to hide from my boy the fact that I was crying because I didn’t want to stress him out. Why am I messing up so badly when other mums are doing so well?

I don’t have any family support but my DH is around 3 days a week so I can’t complain. He’s great, although I’m breastfeeding and DS often falls asleep on my lap (if I try to pop him down he wakes which is fair enough he is only small!) so the only break I get is if DH takes DS for a walk in the pram which he does try to but the weather has been so bad recently that it’s been hard. When he is here he does play with DS so I Can have a shower and he is great at making me food etc.
Some of the mothers I speak to have postnatal depression, some have children going through the terrible four month sleep regression, some also have toddlers as well as their babies but ALL are coping better than me. I feel like I’m letting my little man down. I wanted to go part time freelance this year to give him a better life as my old job would mean no income after childcare but I just can’t see how I’m going to do it.

Please tell me how you got by? Anything you can tell me would really help. People keep saying I’ll get used to the exhaustion and it will become normal but when? I have a lot of headaches and often feel sick. I have also signed up for counselling to cope with low moods but I won’t get the phone call till February as they’re so busy. I love my DS to pieces and am so happy he is here, so why am I so rubbish at being his mum? Surely things will only get worse as he naps less and needs more attention from me as I’m like a zombie already...

I was the same and my baby slept well. I didn’t do much for the first 3 months then my baby went through a really fussy stage with bf so it made me not want to go out and do too much.
It does get easier and don’t judge yourself against anyone else. If YOU and baby are happy, who cares what everyone else is doing?
I’m due another soon and honestly, I’ll do the same again. Some of my favourite days were ‘wasted’ doing nothing with my beautiful baby.
If you’re unhappy think what you can do to change it without putting pressure on yourself.
I had no family support, DH works away a lot so when I saw women working out, washing hair, putting make up on it was usually because they had someone watching the baby or had more support x

Pre baby sleep is also a factor I agree.
I had horrific sod during pregnancy, which meant I slept for 30-45m stretches at night (before it became painful and I woke) and bouts of insomnia. For the last 3 months, I'd be lucky to get 3 broken hours worth in 30-45m sessions during the night.

In comparison, a baby that woke every 2-3 hours, who I could share wakings with my husband for, was absolute bliss.

And before pregnancy, I'd often get 5-6 hours with the occasional binge, and sometimes survive in 3-4 hours or less because of work pressures. So that prepared me well. What I struggled with is where weeks turned into months and years, without the change to recharge. It turns out I found survive fine with not much sleep for a while, but not permanently.

Someone who is used to getting a full 7-8 hours religiously a night is probably going to struggle more intially with the change in sleeping pattern.

You need some sleep. Focus on this and everything will seem more manageable.
Get DH to do some shifts. Get your baby’s sleep sorted out.
Go back to the dr and try different medication, ranitidine perhaps. Have you propped up the end of his cot?

@WomenAndVulvas with all do respect - it sounds like you had babies you could do those things with. Mine had reflux so badly she would scream perhaps 20 hours + a day. I couldn’t put her down, as well as scream she would projectile vomit if laid down. She slept less than 4 hours in 24 until she was 12 weeks - and I don’t mean stretches, I mean in total, and wouldn’t sleep anywhere but my arms, upright. So perhaps realise that not everyone has babies that can just be “popped in the bouncer” whilst they do housework or shower!

Please don't compare yourself to other Mother's. Breastfeeding, no family support (except DH pt) and reflux v no reflux, bottle feeding, DH doing nights and family support are completely different. Some of the Mothers you are talking to are glossing over whilst others have more support. Bottle feeding is much easier than BF exclusively but BF gets easier around the 3 month mark.

I was the same as you and told my friend who couldn't understand and said it was grand. She had her Mother helping every day and her DH did all night feeds (bottle fed).She would go to bed at 10, wake at 7 and then her Mother came over at 9 until 4ish. Completely different.. It's literally like comparing apples with oranges.

OP you are doing so well, that’s not an empty platitude - I mean it, reflux baby is SO exhausting, despite this you are clearly putting his well-being and development first and doing what you need to survive.
Don’t be guilty about sleeping when you need to - it’s brilliant, you’re doing what’s best for you both.
This is your really, really tough stage - the other mums will have one too, either now and they’re not saying or later with regression or developmental times when their babies will be high needs or when they go through something else.
This is a tough time, you’re surviving, your baby’s thriving and when it gets easier (and I promise it will) you’ll be able to enjoy and appreciate every easier thing so much more and have great resilience.
This too shall pass and if you can get through these tough days you can get through anything together.

You are not a bad parent. You sound a bit like I was at that stage. I think it is possible to see what someone did - for example - a yoga class and think they sprung up and arranged to go. Instead maybe they had someone to mind the baby and got a small break, maybe they were knackered before and after. It sounds amazing but they might not be as “together” as they appear!
Don’t underestimate the effect of poor sleep.

It’s hard! You sound lovely and you’re really trying your best to do make sure your ds is prioritised so that makes you an great parent.

Have you tried eliminating dairy from your diet? That can help with the reflux for some babies.
Try it for a few days and see if it makes any difference. I noticed a difference within one day.

I think it can help if you can get some time in the morning to shower and brush your hair, get some clean clothes on. Put your baby in the bathroom with you or wait for a nap.

It’s not a priority in the grand scheme of things but it really does help if you can get those few minutes to yourself and feel a bit more together and organised.

When your baby has a nap, could you prepare a quick sandwich for lunch?

As for exercise, walking is fine. Put the baby in the pram and go for a walk.

• They have babies that sleep
• they get a lot of help from grandparents, etc
• they are lying

• their lives were so crap before this all feels good in comparison; )

YANBU and you are not at all rubbish! My eldest was a terrible sleeper and it nearly broke me, you have my sympathies. It was harder because I thought we were average and I was just being weak - two more children later and I now know we were unlucky! I wish I’d just stayed in bed for the first six months instead of constantly trying to get out and see people. You have a tiring baby, it’s not your fault, you’re doing an amazing job. Can you afford or borrow a bed nest or something to help co sleeping, even just during the day? Good luck.

I'm glad Facebook wasn't around when my children were young. Sounds like yiur baby is thriving

It's the exhaustion, honestly. As soon as you feel rested again you'll have a moment of 'wow it's so much easier when I've slept!'
The others may be telling fibs, have decent sleepers, be bottle feeding, have solid support in place or any of the other things that make having a baby much, much easier.
You're doing really well, really really well! I promise you that you have it all together, one day you will believe me.

I have a 3 year old and a 14 month old people probably think I’m doing brilliantly but I feel like I’m just about coping this year has made it even tougher and my youngest still wakes multiple times a night. It’s bloody tough op you are doing great. Other people that find it easier probably have easier babies and more help from family or they seem to be doing better than they are.

Wow, thank you all so much for the responses, I’m really overwhelmed! I’ve read everyone and had a teeny cry. I wish I could respond to them all, but I will just respond to a few points!

DH works long hours when he is at work so it’s a bit tough on his working days. He is great when he’s off. I did try pumping so he could feed as he wants to feed, he loves the bonding of feeding, but I have one really annoying boob which blows up all the time and gets blocked and is a nightmare. Then when I expressed the other one did the same, I found I was waking up constantly in pain and leaking and my let down was choking DS so I spoke to NCT and they recommended I stop. Even hand expressing can set my right one off! It’s swollen now and I haven’t done anything different. DH thinks I should go to formula so he can do some nights, relieve me and I will be less tired (and I can eat chocolate again!) but I’m worried this will be worse for DS whilst he is having tummy problems, plus I do love breastfeeding.

We have a next to me and it’s tilted but DS grunts and writhes in it all the time, I think when he can roll he will be a side sleeper but he isn’t there yet and I’m terrified of SIDS. I am keeping a food diary but can’t see anything - I don’t drink or smoke, I don’t have anything with caffeine Or any meat and have stopped chocolate and onions. With dairy, I was told they have other symptoms such as green frothy poo, is that not true? If not then I’ll cut it straight away!

I don’t understand why you would lie and pretend you’re doing well if you aren’t? I’m always honest about how me and DS are doing because I do t get why you wouldn’t be? Especially if you’re making others feel bad? That makes me sad that people feel the need to embellish?

To all the other mums who are struggling you really have my sympathy. I hope you manage to get through and get the rest that you need.

Posts have made me think maybe I am trying too hard and. Red to relax a bit. I imagine DA will be just as happy watching me fold washing as it he would me reading a book to him or showing him pictures or toys or whatever!

It’s the stiff upper lip British thing!

It’s like when people ask how you are, the only acceptable answer is ‘fine thanks and you’ not to launch into a detailed list of how your gout kept you up and your dog is at the vets.

I could only describe the first year with my first baby as traumatic op. Barely any sleep, breastfeeding woes, anxiety/perfectionism made for an experience that was not at all what I had imagined before having kids. It got better eventually, and by second baby I understood that what I experienced was normal. Not everyone’s experience, but honestly, not everyone is coping better than you.

I didn't lie, I just didn't tell the whole truth

The worst thing about being a parent is you get loads of unwanted advice - so if I was meeting someone who did CIO, I just CBA to tell them my child wasn't sleeping - because I would have got lots of pointless advice.

I prefer to talk about something else I guess, with those I don't share baby views with.

You sound exhausted OP.
You need to stop comparing yourself to other people. People cope differently to different things! All babies are different!
The only advice I don't agree with is people saying not getting dressed or brushing your hair is normal.
My one goal of the day was before we even went downstairs was to have a shower and sort my hair out (I have really low maintenance straight hair so it entailed of quickly tying it up or straightening it).
Once that was done, in my mind I was ready for the day and the night was over (no matter how bad it was).
You also need to eat and drink plenty (I have them litre bottles of water and have one near me all the time). Self care is very important for your body and mind!
Your day to day sounds like a normal day looking after a baby, a lot of people I've spoken to can't stand the monotony of it. Some people don't mind it! I'm one of those who doesn't mind it!
I was told by one Mam 'ee look at you, your coping really well' I took that as a criticism to say that they didn't expect me to cope.
I think you need to see a different GP as well re reflux as it sounds as though he has fobbed you off with no medication apart from gaviscon!
Also it sounds as though you may have some post natal depression OP.
Hope you can get some help for you and your baby soon! Take care xx

A woman in my post natal group had a baby that was sleeping through at 6 weeks and breastfeeding to a schedule.

Lovely woman.

I hated her with the fire of a thousand suns.

A bless you OP you sounds like a great mum as you care so much! Iv got a 4 year old and 6 months old and some days it’s a case of everyone’s fed no ones dead it’s a winner! Instagram life can just fuck off really it’s not real but there’s a lot of people out there making a living making life look perfect. Have you sought medical/HV advice about the reflux? My nephew was a lot like you baby and at 4 months they saw a paediatrician who prescribed reflux meds and he was a different baby overnight as his pain was gone and my sister could ease up in her dietary restrictions as it wasn’t an allergy that was causing the problem.
I had bad PND with my first and had a wonderful therapist who told me perfectionism is a terrible trait ease up on yourself and everything else. If you are in the position get a cleaner-she’s the reason my house is in a half decent state 😂
You can have a support bubble with a baby under one is there anyone you could bubble up with for some company while your other half is at work? My other half in the earlier days left me packed lunch and a thermos mug of tea in the mornings. Take baby in the bath/shower with you or put them in a bouncy chair while you are in there. No baby was ever harmed by having 15 minutes in their bouncer while you sit and have a drink and watch a bit of tv or read a few pages of a book. I say this sat watching an episode of bridgerton with the baby asleep on the boob while the older one is out at the park with dad, I’m surrounded by Lego and unfolded washing but it can wait.

@MusicalTrifleMonkey If you do decide to give formula a go, we found that anti-reflux formula has been a real game changer for our son.

He’s had reflux since 5 days old and was spitting up after every single feed. He was on Cow & Gate first milk initially. GP gave gaviscon, didn’t help and made him constipated so we stopped it. Gripe water seemed to help with gas but still spitting up. Infacol didn’t help. Drops to help break down the lactose in the milk didn’t help. We tried HIPP organic milk, no better and made his sick smell foul. GP and HV didn’t seem concerned as he was putting on weight and seemed generally happy but it was absolutely exhausting for us as parents.

We eventually moved onto Cow & Gate anti-reflux milk just before 4 months old and it was like a miracle. He’s now 6 months and the last 2 months have been so, so much better.

Look after yourself - I know it’s not easy at all

I imagine DA will be just as happy watching me fold washing as it he would me reading a book to him or showing him pictures or toys or whatever!

Absolutely! That book and toy stage will come and it'll be so rewarding when it does, but for now you're quite right - you folding washing is brilliant for him to look at... when his own hands aren't more interesting!

You sound like me. I mostly survived the first year, living off cereal bars and using 2-in1 shampoo because my showers were only 3 minutes long. Haha. I laugh about it now but it was tragic. The exhaustion was very real, and I too wondered how others managed to do all sorts. My son was a crap sleeper and had reflux and my husband worked a lot. My family lives in a different country so it was just me and baby most of the time (although husband was great when he did have some time off). It got so much easier when there reflux got better and he started sleeping and interacting more. I think when he was about ten months old and actually having proper naps I remember feeling that I think I can do this. Haha. I think when they start smiling, laughing and chatting it gets so much better, and generally as they grow it gets a lot easier. Don't compare yourself to others, some people have easy babies, more energy, more help etc. Every situation is different. It's hard work but you can do this.