Am I a bad parent? Please tell me how you coped

[MusicalTrifleMonkey]

Hello,

I have a 3 month old son and I don’t understand why I’m finding it so hard. All the other mothers I talk to (around 10 mums with babies who range between 2 and 6 months) regularly are all coping so well. They go to exercise classes, some go into work, some work from home, run their own businesses Etc. I am failing so badly. My days consist of getting through. I play with him (books, toys, talking, nursery rhymes etc), feed him, change him, he naps, bathe him, I take him for walks. I get some housework done if I pop him on his play mat or in his Moses basket. Thats it, that’s my life. Every single other mother said they stayed up to ring the new year in. How?! I’m so exhausted, there’s no way I could have done that, let alone drink anything. I was in bed by 8, up at 10 and I was up at 12 but feeding my boy. What’s wrong with me? They all also tend to stay up to have an hour or so with their partners, if I don’t go to sleep as soon as DS does then I might only get an hour before he’s up again. Most nights I don’t bother with dinner or DH brings me something whilst I’m in bed.
DS isn’t a great sleeper, he has awful, painful gas and silent reflux so some nights I will stay awake for hours to hold him so he doesn’t have to lie on his back which really upsets him. He does around 2-3 hours max and then is up every 30 minutes to 2 hours after that to breastfeed or because he has brought acid up. He had gaviscon but it made him constipated so I stopped it. The last doctor said bringing up acid is normal so no other medication.
I would love to co-sleep as we did it once or twice for a few hours and he slept better but I realised my mattress is too soft and I can’t afford a new one right now so it’s too dangerous.

I’m so exhausted. When DH isn’t here I don’t eat much and barely brush my hair, I just don’t seem to get the time. I see other mothers get their hair done and wear make up, how? I look horrendous, the bags under my eyes are shocking. I saw a colleague the other day and she couldn’t hide her expression at the state of me, plus I have had relatives tell me how tired I look (not in a mean way).

I have been up for hours tonight and I had to play peekaboo at one point to hide from my boy the fact that I was crying because I didn’t want to stress him out. Why am I messing up so badly when other mums are doing so well?

I don’t have any family support but my DH is around 3 days a week so I can’t complain. He’s great, although I’m breastfeeding and DS often falls asleep on my lap (if I try to pop him down he wakes which is fair enough he is only small!) so the only break I get is if DH takes DS for a walk in the pram which he does try to but the weather has been so bad recently that it’s been hard. When he is here he does play with DS so I Can have a shower and he is great at making me food etc.
Some of the mothers I speak to have postnatal depression, some have children going through the terrible four month sleep regression, some also have toddlers as well as their babies but ALL are coping better than me. I feel like I’m letting my little man down. I wanted to go part time freelance this year to give him a better life as my old job would mean no income after childcare but I just can’t see how I’m going to do it.

Please tell me how you got by? Anything you can tell me would really help. People keep saying I’ll get used to the exhaustion and it will become normal but when? I have a lot of headaches and often feel sick. I have also signed up for counselling to cope with low moods but I won’t get the phone call till February as they’re so busy. I love my DS to pieces and am so happy he is here, so why am I so rubbish at being his mum? Surely things will only get worse as he naps less and needs more attention from me as I’m like a zombie already...

These mums are not as happy as they come across, trust me.

What on earth.
Of course some mums really enjoy the baby stage. Does it really make people feel better to pretend everyone is miserable? It's unfair, and it's also untrue.

Obviously some are struggling and not saying anything, and others are painting a rosier picture, but to say that no one is as happy as they appear with baby is really mean.

As.are the other suggestions that have been put around on this post, such as that women that don't struggle with babies don't care as much!

Different women find different things difficult, and babies are all individuals. It's surely not inconceivable that someone could enjoy something that you don't?

Mine is 5 months and I've only just started to enjoy it a little more! It is the hardest, most tiring horrible and wonderful thing. It was a total shock to me. It's all very romanticised!

I found that there's so much guilt that comes with having a baby because you're too bloody knackered to enjoy it and it makes you feel ungrateful. I think just being so tired all the time is the worst.

What has helped in the daytime for me is just having a 2 hour cycle. So I put baby down for a nap 2 hours since he last woke up. It works really well for him and it gives me something to look forward to- normally a tea! For a 3 month old I'd aim for 1-1.5 hours maybe. Gives you a bit more control and gives yourself the appearance of doing things well

I realised today that my son hadn't eaten in a whole 4 hours! A record for him, who has always eaten every hour or maybe two on a good day. One day you will realise that it's getting easier!

I have a MAJOR update! The lactation consultant came today as she said she could tell I was desperate and he has a 90% tongue tie! It had been repeatedly missed, but she spotted it straight away and it explains his gas, his writhing, his reflux. I’m so relieved, I feel a huge weight off my shoulders. He may even sleep better (I won’t get too excited though). And I can eat chocolate again! I feel awful that it wasn’t picked up on earlier and I should have pushed more but you accept when people (doctors) says to you ‘Are you a first time mum?’ That you’re being ridiculous. Hopefully we can get it sorted and within a couple of weeks his little system should be coping better!

I could have written this when my DS was that age. You sound like you're doing really well. All those other mums are probably going through their own challenging times too, they just might not outwardly show it/talk about it. Re the reflux - have you considered whether he might have a cows milk protein allergy? My DS was exactly the same when he was tiny, it was a horrific six months. We didn't realise he had CMPA until we were weaning and he instantly came out in huge hives all over his face. It was a vicious circle for us - the more unsettled he was the more tired I was, and the more cheese/chocolate/pizza I ate for fuel! When I cut it out of my diet completely he was much better.

@MusicalTrifleMonkey

Whoo hoo! I'm really pleased for you. Fingers crossed things will start to look up soon

It's SO FUCKING HARD. You are absolutely NOT letting your son down! As far as he's concerned you're perfect - imagine being him! You feed him whenever he needs it with no regard to your own wants and needs, you play with him, read to him, take him out for fresh air. Your husband clearly loves you both dearly and you clearly adore your son and appreciate your husband. Sounds about as great as it can be as far as your little family is concerned. As far as you are concerned, just try to be OK with feeling shit and scruffy for a bit. He will sleep better eventually and you will feel the desire to wash come back ;) You'll find that those who are coping so very well either have tonnes of support, easy babies, good sleepers or all of the above. Be honest and you'll find out who your kindred spirits are, who are honest and who also have difficult babies. Colicky, refluxy, bad sleepers are enough to drive you insane, so congratulate yourself on every tiny achievement. You're doing amazing, sod anyone else!!

Glad his tongue tie has been discovered, my son was the same, also from having my second child I've realised just how different babies can be! My second is sooo easy compared to my first, so the other mums either have easy babies or they're faking it!

First babies are hard. It’s such a change in your lifestyle. I struggled with my first. He was a difficult baby, severe reflux and diagnosed with autism age 3. The early years with my first were really hard. My 2nd was born when the first was 7 Years old and just a year later number 3 was born. It just gets easier. I look back and wonder how I coped with two babies and a disabled child after struggling with my first.

So pleased for you, OP. Hope getting the TT sorted helps you on your way. Ask your LC (or Google!) To direct you to some 'infant sucking exercises', I found that it still took DS about 6 weeks to learn how to use his tongue properly, and these really helped.

Re. The rest of it, you've had a baby in a pandemic - please be kind to yourself! Don't underestimate the challenges of not being able to pass baby around or have anyone over to sit with him or entertain him other than you. Its the challenges of newborn life amplified by 100! Just a few of my own thoughts;

• I found the early days hard and boring, I felt a bit 'meh' about DS because the whole time all i did was feed and change nappies. He's a bit older now and his personality is starting to emerge and I'm finding it more enjoyable and slightly less relentless.
• apologies if you know this already, but do you know you're eligible to form a bubble as you have a baby under 1? This has been such a help to me, someone to pop over for a cuppa and provide some emotional support, hold the baby, play with him etc.
• please don't put yourself under pressure to always be entertaining him. Lots of babies like quiet and freedom to play. I'll often put a podcast (my choice!) or.music on for some background noise if I feel I should be'doing something' for him.
• everyone feels awful at various points after their baby is born - you are not alone and you are doing a wonderful job and sound like a lovely mum. Are there a few practical things that might help you feel a bit better? Some new breastfeeding bras? Cosy lounge clothes? DH taking baby for ten mins in the morning so you can brush your hair etc? Rather than trying to get back to how things were before, have a think about what you need now to help you feel good.

That's a good update OP. I would strongly recommend paying for a fast private snip if you possibly can. My DS had a significant TT and the improvement in his latch and mood was pretty much instantaneous when it was cut.

This sounds really similar to my experience as well. I think a lot of women feel pressure to put on a coping 'front', and other women simply are just super women. Comparison is the thief of joy. You are doing fine.

You're exhausted. It's okay. It's okay not to feel okay.

Try a firm memory foam mattress topper (cheaper than a whole new mattress) and Co sleep. It was the only thing that worked with my clingy children, and is great when it's done right.

Sleep when baby sleeps, whenever you can. Focus on triage, and the essentials only at the moment. Speak to a gp if you feel hopeless and get dark thoughts.

This is normal, and nothing to be ashamed of.

It is hard and this sound normal.

Some of the other mums either have very easy babies/have lots of help or are lying!

How are you and little one doing OP? X

Hopefully getting the tongue tie sorted will help. Remember that even at 3 months, babys are within their 4th trimester and it is HARD. I think I spent most days in bed, dozing, breastfeeding, occasionally padding downstairs to drink and eat. Sleep deprivation is an utter b so be kind to yourself. Thinking about it, I have no memory of the first few months - it's just pure survival. My boy is now 2 and would say I'm only just now beginning to actively enjoy parenting.