Am I a bad parent? Please tell me how you coped

[MusicalTrifleMonkey]

Hello,

I have a 3 month old son and I don’t understand why I’m finding it so hard. All the other mothers I talk to (around 10 mums with babies who range between 2 and 6 months) regularly are all coping so well. They go to exercise classes, some go into work, some work from home, run their own businesses Etc. I am failing so badly. My days consist of getting through. I play with him (books, toys, talking, nursery rhymes etc), feed him, change him, he naps, bathe him, I take him for walks. I get some housework done if I pop him on his play mat or in his Moses basket. Thats it, that’s my life. Every single other mother said they stayed up to ring the new year in. How?! I’m so exhausted, there’s no way I could have done that, let alone drink anything. I was in bed by 8, up at 10 and I was up at 12 but feeding my boy. What’s wrong with me? They all also tend to stay up to have an hour or so with their partners, if I don’t go to sleep as soon as DS does then I might only get an hour before he’s up again. Most nights I don’t bother with dinner or DH brings me something whilst I’m in bed.
DS isn’t a great sleeper, he has awful, painful gas and silent reflux so some nights I will stay awake for hours to hold him so he doesn’t have to lie on his back which really upsets him. He does around 2-3 hours max and then is up every 30 minutes to 2 hours after that to breastfeed or because he has brought acid up. He had gaviscon but it made him constipated so I stopped it. The last doctor said bringing up acid is normal so no other medication.
I would love to co-sleep as we did it once or twice for a few hours and he slept better but I realised my mattress is too soft and I can’t afford a new one right now so it’s too dangerous.

I’m so exhausted. When DH isn’t here I don’t eat much and barely brush my hair, I just don’t seem to get the time. I see other mothers get their hair done and wear make up, how? I look horrendous, the bags under my eyes are shocking. I saw a colleague the other day and she couldn’t hide her expression at the state of me, plus I have had relatives tell me how tired I look (not in a mean way).

I have been up for hours tonight and I had to play peekaboo at one point to hide from my boy the fact that I was crying because I didn’t want to stress him out. Why am I messing up so badly when other mums are doing so well?

I don’t have any family support but my DH is around 3 days a week so I can’t complain. He’s great, although I’m breastfeeding and DS often falls asleep on my lap (if I try to pop him down he wakes which is fair enough he is only small!) so the only break I get is if DH takes DS for a walk in the pram which he does try to but the weather has been so bad recently that it’s been hard. When he is here he does play with DS so I Can have a shower and he is great at making me food etc.
Some of the mothers I speak to have postnatal depression, some have children going through the terrible four month sleep regression, some also have toddlers as well as their babies but ALL are coping better than me. I feel like I’m letting my little man down. I wanted to go part time freelance this year to give him a better life as my old job would mean no income after childcare but I just can’t see how I’m going to do it.

Please tell me how you got by? Anything you can tell me would really help. People keep saying I’ll get used to the exhaustion and it will become normal but when? I have a lot of headaches and often feel sick. I have also signed up for counselling to cope with low moods but I won’t get the phone call till February as they’re so busy. I love my DS to pieces and am so happy he is here, so why am I so rubbish at being his mum? Surely things will only get worse as he naps less and needs more attention from me as I’m like a zombie already...

Come on op. This is your hormones talking. Never compare yourself with others. You are struggling. But since when does that make you a bad mum? It doesnt. You are not failing. You are just struggling big time as your life has been turned upside down. Having a new bebe is fucking hard. Now slap yourself out of it. Face yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are a mum. A perfectly capable mum. A mum loves her kid to pieces. A mum that is loved. A mum that gave birth to this gem of a bebe. A mum that needs to stop being so fecking hard on herself. A mum that is taking it day by day and realises that stumbling is not failing. A mum that is worthy. And a mum that is ds's mum and will find her path to normalcy again. You and ds will grow together and find your balance. I am what i am. And what i am is a mum. And i am doing an amazing job.

End.

And then you go on and take it one step at the time. And youll get there. Because you are you. And youll. Get. There.

Thank you all. I think just some time to myself that isn’t sitting on the sofa or sitting washing (he likes a LOT)! Would be amazing. I hadn’t considered bringing him into the bathroom, that might help. I’d like to bathe with him but he doesn’t really like baths at the moment plus he’s a bit small.

I am going to see a lactation consultant and the GP and I’ll bring up my low mood again. I did before but was told I wasn’t bad enough for the post natal mental health team.

He might like a bath with you better than a bath on his own (not that you have to bathe with him!). Mine hated baths in her baby bath because it was the type with a cloth sling and if you sat her up to do her back the sling would get cold and she hated lying back in it. She liked a bath with us though.

I was just coming to say what PP said both of mine loved a bath with one of us much better than the baby bath from the start, I’m sure the open access to boobs helps 🤣 and they are never too small to love the water with you (gutted tier 4 has shut swimming pools we’ve been going twice a week while we can and baby loves it!)
I know it’s not our pre baby/covid idea of you time but do you get out of the house most days? Waterproofs aren’t my idea of fun usually but my giant waterproof over baby in the sling or cosy in the pram and a podcast in my ear and out for a walk gives me some breathing space, baby a nap and fresh air really helps if I have a headache. I could pretend I only listen to high end stuff but it’s usually something light and gives me a laugh!

At 3 months old everyone just plans on survival, that’s it. When they get older that’s when it’s easier.

Of course other mums are coping so well, because when they don’t that’s not your business and many people like to keep it private. Don’t believe for a second your the only parent with a baby in the world struggling, madness lays that way.

I had a huge period of PND after my 2nd when he had cmpa and refused to feed and it took 3 months to be taken seriously by anyone. It will pass - I promise!!!! It is temporary - keep telling yourself that as difficult as is this! !!! xxxx

My 1st DD had colic until 14 weeks, it was exhausting do you're not the only one OP. Sending big hugs and hoping things get better soon. If you are managing to keep baby and yourself fed, clean and happy then you're a winner... don't compare yourself to others but do ask for help if you need it. HV should be able to give some ideas. Well done you x

We have a 10month old. She is the happiest, loveliest baby and I love being a mum. At 3 months though, my life was not worth living. She had reflux and she regularly spat up the first feed so by 5.30 I was normally changing the bed, baby and myself, followed by a day of fussing, crying and more puking. The best advice I got and that got me through those early months - there is nothing ‘normal’ about childbirth and having a baby so give yourself time to recover, don’t expect too much from yourself, make sure you and the baby are washed and fed and everything else is a bonus! Magnesium helped with exhaustion enormously. The other thing that helped was giving myself the permission to ‘put my own mask on first’ and let the baby fuss and cry sometimes while I had breakfast or brushed my teeth or whatever else needed doing. Things started getting easier at 4-5 months. Hope this helps

You are not alone. Trust me. I was exhausted the first year, and then when his sleep finally improved, we decided to do it all again, just as the pandemic hit. It's been so hard. I have found that my friends became more honest in 2020 about how hard parenting was/could be, and I honestly don't know anyone finding it easy.

Do you have a sling? Mine lived in one for the first 6m pretty much, and I take them for a long walk most days where the 13month old goes in the sling. At 3m all they want is milk and to be close to you. Try and get outside everyday for an hour or so and just walk with them in the sling/pushchair. Listen to a good podcast or some music. Eat whatever you want, you're feeding. It's all about survival. Dry shampoo is your friend.
There will be a time you can address any weight you've gained you don't want, and dress in nice clothes without a baby/toddler getting sick or mud on them, but it's not now. You're raising a baby in a pandemic, do what you need to to stay sane and get through. Tell people you're finding it hard, and friends/family might want to step up and just walk the baby in the pushchair for a bit while you have a shower in piece, or bring you dinner so you don't have to worry.

i think you sound exhausted and at risk of PND.
You need to do what it takes to get through this bit. Some people sail through it, but just as many struggle. It doesnt make you a worse parent or a better one.
Im glad youre prioritising sleeping early as that will help you

You're not doing anything wrong. You're not failing. It's just hard. Babies are all different and have different needs. It won't always be as exhausting as it is right now. This too shall pass. Comparing with others is pointless Tbh, few people are really honest about things. You just see what's on the surface

I was involved in a mother and baby clinic for years and can tell you that it is hard for almost everyone but some women pretend it isn't or cope by pretending it isn't. In any case if your baby is fretful and needs your company that is not your fault in any way it is just the way it is.
My personal experience illustrates this.
My first baby was really easy to look after, fed 4 hourly, smiled at everyone etc. We moved house in their first 2 months across the country and in between had had a leaving party, had entertained no end of visitors, had stayed away for Christmas, had gone out with them a lot etc etc. DC2 was a very different story. They were very poor at latching on, very miserable and fidgety and I know I would have had rock bottom confidence if they had been my first. As I had a just toddling DC I had to just plough on, not look at the clock and spend almost every waking moment out of the house. It was grim but in the end doesn't last all that long. Do whatever works for you and your child, do not compare yourself with anyone and look after yourself. You are doing NOTHING wrong. I feel so strongly that many of us are poorly prepared for new mother hood. We spend so much time thinking about the delivery, baby names, what pram to get etc and yet unless we have multiple siblings or close family with tiny children have very little knowledge of day to day life with a newborn. As a pp said in some cultures this is recognised and family swoop in to support new mothers . I remember being at home with my first DC for only an hour or two on return from hospital and feeling quite terrified ( before the days when husbands and partners had time off) waiting for my mothers reassuring presence.
Best of luck OP, and of course discuss your mood with your GP to see what support might be there for you.

At 3 months, you are doing far better than I did. I just survived from day to day and didn't achieve much.

Talk to your health visitor. Have you had your iron levels checked?

The thing that saved my sanity was putting ds in a sling and heading out at nap time. He would snooze and I would amble along nowhere fast but just for the change of scenery and some fresh air. Even saying hello to the postman helped.

Most of all, don't be so hard on yourself. There is no 'right'. Take one day at a time. x

Bloody hell, I think you're doing fabulously! Please do give yourself some credit.
And remember that comparison is the thief of joy. So stop comparing yourselves to the other mums!

With my youngest I was back in work, make up on, house sort of tidy I was killing it!

Oh wait with DC 1 and 2 I barely functioned! It depends on how easy the baby is! Also don’t look at social or listen to people, mums lie! I once told my friend if I only knew Facebook her not real her I’d think she was a twat

Give yourself a break it sound like you are doing ok x

Give yourself a break ! I could have written this . I think comparing yourself to others is the worse thing you can do .
All my friends and baby group mothers always seemed to be well dressed , make up on and hair done and I permanently looked like a bag of shite , brushing my hair was a chore .
I remember fixating in how these people did it and convinced myself I was a failure.
Eventually your baby will sleep through and you'll be like a changed person . Lack of sleep is torture. Your a star like every other mummy and keep telling yourself that .
Don't be afraid of telling family and friends your struggling .
Moral of the story it will get better but immediately stop looking at others , everyone is different .
Sending a big hug xx

Do you have another room you can sleep in!

Your DS will be in with your partner and you will likely sleep better not hearing every snuffle and grunt. You will still wake when he is crying properly for a feed.

i had one of those. and ahe ad a secind baby that slept in 1 hour blocks. she sent me lovely text apologising that she hadnt been sympathetic enough and had thought it must have been my routine

OP I 100% guarantee that the other mums are making up half of what they say. Absolutely guarantee it. Please don’t compare.
I had a super hard little baby, he hated everything including baths - he did have reflux and was generally much better after being medicated - by 5 months I’d just got used to him, and then by 8 months he just became really easy. Thankfully he slept well so I generally was rested enough to deal with him in the daytime. He’s almost 2 now and no bother.
My child free friend once asked me why I wasn’t being more constructive on my mat leave - someone she knew wrote a book when off work !! I was like oh whoopie for her, some people do just have easy babies sadly!

Anyway don’t put so much pressure on yourself.
Also DS sleeps 7-6 and I still went to bed at 9.30pm on New Year’s Eve!

I worked when my eldest was 3 months purely because my shit male boss fired the other person who did my job and they couldnt cope without me apparently and he rang me asking me to go back. At the time I felt like superwoman. Mine were genuinely easy babies they slept well I didn't really have sleepless nights. But i was young (teen!) So I had the energy. I know 100% I couldn't cope with a newborn as an overweight 30 something year old. I am sure it will get better OP xx

Reflux is not normal, please go back to a GP and a different one preferably. I’ve had a projectile reflux baby and a silent reflux baby and it’s a ducking nightmare but they’re like a different baby after medication. Gaviscon for the former and ranitidine for the later as gaviscon made dd worse.
I would also recommend a dummy if you don’t already use one as a comfort as reflux babies will often try to over feed or comfort feed to sooth their throats and make the reflux worse.
I carried both of mine upright in a sling practically all day through everything which helped the reflux and made it possible for me to do chores. They would also fall asleep for longer naps this way too.

You're doing a great job.

It's tough, don't compare yourself to the other mums because it's all mostly smoke and mirrors.
If you're not wrecked you're not doing it properly 😂

It gets so much better. I'm starting to enjoy it now hes 8 months old. It was awful before. These mums are not as happy as they come across, trust me.

OP, you are perfectly normal! The first couple of years are hellish - yes, there are good times but there's a lot of not knowing what to do to keep the little one alive, well and happy, and then if you do know, not having the energy left to do it.

Advice for year one - snuggle down somewhere cosy with your baby. Just.

Honestly it was the worst time of my life x