Am I a bad parent? Please tell me how you coped

[MusicalTrifleMonkey]

Hello,

I have a 3 month old son and I don’t understand why I’m finding it so hard. All the other mothers I talk to (around 10 mums with babies who range between 2 and 6 months) regularly are all coping so well. They go to exercise classes, some go into work, some work from home, run their own businesses Etc. I am failing so badly. My days consist of getting through. I play with him (books, toys, talking, nursery rhymes etc), feed him, change him, he naps, bathe him, I take him for walks. I get some housework done if I pop him on his play mat or in his Moses basket. Thats it, that’s my life. Every single other mother said they stayed up to ring the new year in. How?! I’m so exhausted, there’s no way I could have done that, let alone drink anything. I was in bed by 8, up at 10 and I was up at 12 but feeding my boy. What’s wrong with me? They all also tend to stay up to have an hour or so with their partners, if I don’t go to sleep as soon as DS does then I might only get an hour before he’s up again. Most nights I don’t bother with dinner or DH brings me something whilst I’m in bed.
DS isn’t a great sleeper, he has awful, painful gas and silent reflux so some nights I will stay awake for hours to hold him so he doesn’t have to lie on his back which really upsets him. He does around 2-3 hours max and then is up every 30 minutes to 2 hours after that to breastfeed or because he has brought acid up. He had gaviscon but it made him constipated so I stopped it. The last doctor said bringing up acid is normal so no other medication.
I would love to co-sleep as we did it once or twice for a few hours and he slept better but I realised my mattress is too soft and I can’t afford a new one right now so it’s too dangerous.

I’m so exhausted. When DH isn’t here I don’t eat much and barely brush my hair, I just don’t seem to get the time. I see other mothers get their hair done and wear make up, how? I look horrendous, the bags under my eyes are shocking. I saw a colleague the other day and she couldn’t hide her expression at the state of me, plus I have had relatives tell me how tired I look (not in a mean way).

I have been up for hours tonight and I had to play peekaboo at one point to hide from my boy the fact that I was crying because I didn’t want to stress him out. Why am I messing up so badly when other mums are doing so well?

I don’t have any family support but my DH is around 3 days a week so I can’t complain. He’s great, although I’m breastfeeding and DS often falls asleep on my lap (if I try to pop him down he wakes which is fair enough he is only small!) so the only break I get is if DH takes DS for a walk in the pram which he does try to but the weather has been so bad recently that it’s been hard. When he is here he does play with DS so I Can have a shower and he is great at making me food etc.
Some of the mothers I speak to have postnatal depression, some have children going through the terrible four month sleep regression, some also have toddlers as well as their babies but ALL are coping better than me. I feel like I’m letting my little man down. I wanted to go part time freelance this year to give him a better life as my old job would mean no income after childcare but I just can’t see how I’m going to do it.

Please tell me how you got by? Anything you can tell me would really help. People keep saying I’ll get used to the exhaustion and it will become normal but when? I have a lot of headaches and often feel sick. I have also signed up for counselling to cope with low moods but I won’t get the phone call till February as they’re so busy. I love my DS to pieces and am so happy he is here, so why am I so rubbish at being his mum? Surely things will only get worse as he naps less and needs more attention from me as I’m like a zombie already...

Stop comparing. They are potentially lying/embellishing anyway.

When people used to ask me if my first baby was sleeping I used to tell close friends the truth but to everyone else I said 'yeah sleeping's going fine thanks'. Was it bollocks! But I didn't want to discuss it all the time.

These other mums are lying to you OP, or at the very least bending the truth.

You are not alone, or a bad mum. Babies are hard!

No advice but just wanted to say that I felt exactly the same way as you for pretty much the entire first year of my sons life. Used to feel like I was the only one who found it so hard but I don’t think that’s the case, people just aren’t always upfront and honest about it. My son is now 18 months and I LOVE it all (most of the time!!!) now. You’re doing incredibly ❤️

I play with him (books, toys, talking, nursery rhymes etc), feed him, change him, he naps, bathe him, I take him for walks. I get some housework done if I pop him on his play mat or in his Moses basket. Thats it, that’s my life

That sounds like my days on maternity leave. It's harder for new mums at the moment without classes and other mums to visit.

At around 3 months btw, my DH would go to work, I would make a flask, get a box of biscuits, sit on the sofa, feed, and that was it. Then go to bed about 9.

I awarded myself a medal if I made tea, we are a lot of toast

Do you think there's any chance you might be anaemic? I was so tired with my first, even when she was sleeping through but then a friend suggested iron sachets and things improved. In hindsight I had lost over a litre of blood at the birth and then breastfed and hadn't had iron supplements or anything but you just expect to be tired so I hadn't realised.

I hear you OP! Honestly, from my experience with DS everything you have described sounds totally normal. I found it tough too, lots of crying, lots of feeling like I couldn't keep going. Don't compare yourself to anyone who has a baby even slightly older than yours, they change so fast that in 6 months time you'll feel a world away from this.

I quickly accepted that I just didn't get on well with the baby years. I also made sure I spoke about how I was feeling to anyone who would listen. Some women (without kids) even thanked me for being so honest about the realities of it. My son wouldn't sleep, cried lots, was always attached to my boob, I was in survival mode for a long time.

Keep at it!! These days will soon be in the past. And as you can see, there are plenty of women on mumsnet who feel/felt exactly the same as you and will always be here to listen to you vent.

You poor thing. I have two bad sleepers (they still don't sleep) so I can totally relate. It does get easier though-mine still night wake but must less. I survive on coffee, lots of water and a good concealer! Would you consider expressing or combine feeding? So you dh can feed and you can sleep? It sounds like a good stretch of sleep would do you wonders. Maybe a walk on your own without your baby. It is an exhausting time and I agree with other posters- dont believe everything you read or people tell you. 3 month olds are hard and exhausting.

Firstly please never compare yourself to other mums. I found only a small handful would be totally honest of how crap it can be. Sleep deprivation is a killer. My second had colic and was like velcro to me. Some days I wanted to scream as I had to do everything as she literally would become hysterical if anyone else came near her. Shes 3 now and is still a velcro child to me. I call her my handbag child but its difficult as I still don't really get a break. Please try to be alittle kinder to yourself, make sure you do brush your teeth and eat more it will make you feel better. It does get better.

Also, do remember at 3 months your baby can lie on a playmat for 10 mins here and there, and later a doughnut ring or playpen with toys to occupy themselves. You don't have to be actively interacting with them every moment you're both awake. Those 10 mins can mean a hot cup of tea, brushing your hair or whatever that just makes you feel a bit more on top of things. My DS used to wake at 6 til 8 then sleep for an hour. That first nap was when I would shower etc so I felt sorted for the day. It does get easier.

I also felt like you. I had to stop going to baby groups as I came home so upset and down that EVERYONE else there with babies younger or same age as me were getting more sleep, had way more family support and were doing better in all ways, I just didn't find it helped me at all going and when baby was under 6months they didn't go and play, it was mostly mums talking and baby lying or sitting next to a toy! I also felt/looked rough and sadly seeing people with make up and freshly dyed hair also didn't make me feel better.

Things only got better for me when at 12m I spoke to a sleep therapists, it was all over The phone and it saved me. When your BF, up every 2 hours, baby won't take a bottle and trying to work it really really takes its tow. Sleep therapist was previously a midwife so really helped with a few things. Eg baby had to be trained to get their calories during the day not the night, this meant they didn't need to wake up every couple hours for milk.

I don't think you are doing bad, you are being harsh on yourself. I'm sure you're baby is happy and that is all that matters. Keep going and try a sleep therapist with good reviews, I really didn't see how they would help me but she did. Once call was all it took!

The exhaustion and sleep deprivation was awful with my first, partly because he didn’t sleep and partly because I had undiagnosed anemia.
Second time mums will be coping better simply because they are used to less sleep and know what to expect and, if they are like me, cut corners.
You are doing the right thing by prioritising sleep. It does get easier as well. My second is 5 months now and sleeping a bit longer.

You are an amazing mum

We all cross hurdles , ds was 16 and I had a huge meltdown at the fact he was been a little shit and was driving me insane , dd didn't sleep at all as a baby due to reflux and colic etc. I got renitidine and it helped but then she was fully weened by 6 months to help this. After that she slept great - now 3 but she will creep into my bed about 4 am for cuddles! She drove me insane I used to cry, always doubt myself, hated going out with her, was shitty with everyone around me too.
Now I have a just turned 1 YO , slept amazing from day 1 he's been a dream so we've always had a good nights sleep (used breast feed so he would wake but go straight back off. Slept through from about 7-8 week old though , but past week he's having like 3 hour sleeps all night ? I'm exhausted then I'm up with the other kids gone 6am but by the time Iv cleaned up an done my daily jobs to keep the house turning over I'm going bed past midnight. I'm living on coffee and red bull this week. Wow I'm nackered

We all go through this at so many different stages with the kids. Don't worry your not alone just keep strong and rest when you can

Sleep is more important then sex and food belive me hahaha

Also do take time out an go get your hair done or something just make you feel abit more like you then just mum who is nackered. It helps confidence a lot (did for me anyway) if I look and feel like shit that that portrays in my mood but if I do my tan and lashes an hair etc I feel better in myself ??
Hope you'd okay op xx

If you are getting up every day and taking care of your baby, you are doing a brilliant job. Comparing yourself to others, in any capacity, will only lead to feelings of inadequacy, whether this is relating to parenting, relationships or general lifestyle. It took me forever to learn this and I still need to check myself now and again.

Your baby sounds similar to mine and it was such a tough time. If it's any consolation though, during this time, I tended to my son's needs but was nowhere near as attentive with play and interaction as you are being, so you sound like supermum in my book .

I was convinced I was doing dreadfully, had dreadful PND, which wasn't helped by the fact that all my friends seemed to have amazingly easy babies in comparison.

DS is now 17 and despite being a challenging baby, has been a fantastic child and a breeze of a teenager (most of the time). It does get better OP but go easy on yourself.

Strong hug to you . I found a supportive group of mums in La leche league who would listen and we’d sit and feed together without caring what we or flats looked like . A sling I could feed in meant I could brush my hair , clean teeth , load washer etc . A senior male colleague said he wished someone would have told him that the first 6 months are just awful . A mattress on the floor for co sleeping worked for us . I do know you ll get through this . You sound like a wonderful mum to me . Xx

And no, you are not by any stretch a bad mum. (Aside from the anxiety... the early days are very groundhog day.)

You must prioritise eating regularly. When mine was young I remember having similar feelings but I always felt more able to cope if I had a decent meal inside me. It doesn’t have to be time consuming to make - throw a chicken in the oven to roast, jacket potatoes, stews in the slow cooker whilst baby is napping, sandwiches etc. If you skip meals your energy suffers, your ability to cope suffers, your moods suffer and everything becomes a downward spiral.

Gosh OP, your days sound entirely normal for a mum of a 3 month old. Please dotn take any notice of the other mums, mute the whatsapp group. No mum I know was loving life at that stage, especially those with bad sleepers.

Reflux and colic is horrible, personally (and I know many will disagree but this is my personal experience), you may do better bottle feeding. My daughter had reflux and I switched from breast to goats milk formula and it changed overnight. Plus it means your DH can do some night shifts.

But please dont give yourself a hard time, you are doing well, you are surviving and that's the main thing at this stage! It does get easier.

Your version of parenting sounds much more relatable to me than your friends. It is hard. But the smiles etc balance it out. Look after yourself, you are doing an amazing job. Staying up for the bells is not an achievement. Getting sleep is!!!

It's the reflux. My first had silent reflux, it was hell. My second is as easy as they come and six months in I still can't get over how different it is. Two different babies, not my parenting.

As others have said, three months can be a low point - not in a routine yet and you're exhausted after three months of shit sleep, not to mention pregnancy and birth.

Please prioritise yourself a bit more. You will feel so much better if you get a shower every day (before your partner leaves or with baby in a bouncer) and you need the energy of at least three decent meals a day. Breastfeeding is exhausting even if the baby is a sleeper.

Obviously your partner can't do the feeding, but he can do a lot. All nappies when home, making sure you eat. A shift of settling the baby overnight once you've fed, yes even if he's working.

Speak to your GP about both the reflux (medication really helped mine) and possible PND.

You're not a terrible mother, not at all. Or, if you are, then so was I

I have my baby a bottle and formula and gave him to my husband when I felt like this x

Don't listen to anyone else. You'll find out down the line they were talking shit.

You have my every sympathy OP, because parenting a refluxy baby is HARD. My son (4 weeks) has bad reflux and honestly every day is just a cycle of feeding him, burping him, holding him upright, dealing with sick, and snatching sleep where I can. I also have an incredibly supportive and helpful husband and it can still feel like the days slip away in a cycle of just managing his reflux.

From your post, it actually sounds like you’re doing incredibly well. Your baby is well cared for, and you’re sleeping where you can. At this stage when your baby is still so small that is more than enough. You certainly don’t need to be achieving any more than that.

You are also only seeing the public side of everyone else’s life - it’s easy to imagine it’s plain sailing when you aren’t seeing the whole story.

It’s worth remembering that reflux tends to peak at 4 months and then start to improve, so things will get better! Be generous with yourself and remember that this stage will pass and things won’t be so hard

You are not a bad mum... it sounds normal to me for a baby with reflux. Maybe the others don’t have a windy baby with reflux???
My kids are teenagers now, but I remember feeling disgusted with myself for not showering / washing my hair for a few days. I resolved to myself that whatever was happening I could spare 5 mins for myself to get washed, and I made sure I did from then in. I became the master of the 2 minute shower. If crying the baby was brought with me in his bouncy chair on the bathroom floor. Make it a non negotiable thing for your own sake. You are important too!

You are a wonderful mum. Look what you’re going through to give your baby the best of you.

You poor cow, this stage is bloody torture and nobody tells you. It’s mind blowing how exhausting it is. I remember driving one day and having to do an emergency stop. The baby was at home with dh and I remember thinking “you stupid woman. You should have hit him, you could have had a nice rest in hospital and a proper sleep” that was a wake up call and I started asking for more help. We shuffled dh working hours a bit so he got up with dd in the morning and I got 2 hours on my own. Same in the day on his days off. He’s take her out, even to walk round a supermarket, so I could sleep alone for 2 hours. These short sleeps I learned I could manage on if I got them regularly.

All of a sudden, things got easier. We co slept, with a cot. (Google IKEA sidecar cot hack) we used the cheapest IKEA cot and left a side off. She was in there a long time. My dd also had an egg intolerance so I cut those out and she fared better. (I did an elimination diet to test, starting with cows dairy and egg)

It really does get better I promise. You’re doing amazingly well xx