Ds (13) sobbing uncontrollably about lack of hobbies and talents - where have gone wrong

[looseddaughter]

Ds1 (13) has just gone to bed after a good 90 mins of ranting and sobbing over his perceived lack of hobbies and talents. He was as upset as I have ever seen him and it was horrible.

It started as I told him he'd had enough laptop for the day when he said he was going to his room and he said there was nothing else to do and it spiralled from there. We have had a pretty shit holiday in the sense that we've been in most days (isolated for a week and then obviously not a lot you can do in tier 4) so I don't know if there's an element of boredom after having been pent up but it did seem deeper.

He keep saying whatever he does there are 'people 10 steps ahead of me,' and 'I just want a hobby I can do that I'm good at and enjoy...a talent.' This was all through sobs. To be honest, it's true that he doesn't really have a hobby. He loves reading but only ever wants to do it just before bed, obviously enjoys his laptop and is a history fanatic so uses it for research, documentaries and history- based computer games. He doesn't do lego, likes the odd boardgame and doesn't do any sport except cricket, which was a nightmare last season as despite doing brilliantly in training he had a few nightmare games and did silly things like running himself out. I know he felt shit at the end of the season.

I think he tends to give up on things as soon as they're difficult. He bought some figures, again, history based, last year that needed painting and after the initial enthusiasm he got fed up of how fiddly it was and left it. Same thing happened with model making a couple of years ago. He got really into cycling last year but then seemed to just go right off it - not really sure why. He just gets these initial bursts of enthusiasm and then everything peters into nothingness. It doesn't help that he seems quite limited socially, even Covid aside, and despite having friends in school and telling me about them he rarely interacts with them outside school. Before lockdown never went out with them unless it was a party and now rarely online with them.

He's academically able and in top sets for everything with a real flair I'd say for English and humanities. I don't know if this is part of the problem as in a lot of things come quite easily to him then when something doesn't he just stops. He plays clarinet but has no real enthusiasm for it and moans endlessly about practising but insists he wants to carry on when I ask. Today he was crying about making no progress in it and I did explain (nicely) that he does the bare minimum practice so what does he expect? I was trying to say people with 'talents' or hobbies are prepared to spend hours on them and that's how they get good, which he doesn't do really, aside from cricket, which still didn't go well. He asked for a guitar last year but again had no interest in it really and it has barely been touched for months.

Earlier we'd watched a French crime drama with subtitles because he loves the genre and I casually suggested it as I like them and he's doing French at school. He's in Y9 and getting what the school call 'grades 7-9', so doing really well. However, he got really upset and said he couldn't hear any of the words he was supposed to know. I tried to explain that was to be expected but he kept saying how hard it was then mentioned a boy in his class who gets full marks every time and has apparently read LOTR in French.

I just don't know how to handle this. On the one hand I obviously don't want to pressure him and don't want him comparing himself to others in an unhealthy way, but on the other hand I kind of do think a hobby would do him good and have often felt he could do with sticking at things a bit more but I don't know how to approach it. Cricket is the thing he has devoted most time and energy to and, as I said, it doesn't really seem to have paid off. I was also trying to get across that hobbies aren't necessarily about excelling at something but are about enjoyment, but I think that's hard for him to get, especially where sport is concerned.

I also feel the usual guilt as his dad and I are divorced and I feel that disadvantages him because of living between two houses etc. Dad is a musician but has never got involved with the music practice and I feel ds is keeping it on to please his dad but also won't ask him for help. I don't really have hobbies, or not ones that are active - just things like reading, watching films, travel... not things where I actually do anything so not a good role model. Don't know - feel we have let him down and really don't know how to help.

Also having a genuine interest (history) is way better than trudging through the grades on an instrument for the sake of it

Get him a metal detector!

Agree with going for a walk every day. That's kept us sane throughout, even 5 minutes round the corner and back.

Not sure if anyone has suggested this, but what about cooking? Everything you wrote about your DS could have been about me at that age - I started cooking when I was 16 and haven't looked back. You have a) multicultural / historical aspects, b) do very well if a perfectionist as if you get a bulletproof recipe book + follow it then you can't go wrong, c) it can be as varied as you want (unless on a v v low budget but if you have music lessons etc I'm assuming that doesn't apply), so not easy to get bored and d) is a really useful life skill.

He does game, yes, but can't be doing it all the time.

Why? These are unprecedented times. If it's what gets him through, let him get on with it.

I would re visit the conversation in a few days. It seems to me that he was largely reacting to bring told to stop playing on his tablet. He's a bit bored.
As for hobbies, it sounds like he has plenty. It's perfectly normal to try things out and abandon them. The only thing that he does need to do is stop comparing himself to others and how he views success.

My DD is 13 and often late at night rages at me for her not being able to play the cello or being in a sports team, usually after a long spell on-line. I remind her that whenever I offered her those lessons earlier in her life she didn't actually want to do them! In my DD's case she just wants to be really good at something to impress her friends, without actually putting in the hard work, I know that sounds harsh, but she does. I think it social media, making then all feel like they need to be hugely talented stars.
I do also find that before bed is a hugely emotional time for my dd and she often spends hours sobbing and wailing, and if I speak to her in the morning she's forgotten about it. It's a very emotional and wobbly age for them and I think we just need to hold firm and be soothing. The world can seem a scary place to grow up in now so I just say 'you're only 13!'.

Apologies if already mentioned but I don't have time trtft, however I think it all sounds completely normal. It's hormones and being a teenager. Everyone is better, has better stuff, is more talented, has cooler parents, a better home, more friends etc. Even if he was excelling at something that 'wouldn't count' or wouldn't be the same. Just he there for him and be pleased you have a good enough relationship that he is talking to you about it.

From what you say regarding watching the French movie and history - he might enjoy reading books of Antoine Saint-Exupery (amazon) available in French and English like 'Wind, Sand and Stars' (though he's most famous for children's book -The Little Prince). He became a pilot in WW2. Perhaps he can have a hobby doing historical research - which never ends.( e.g.It is now thought Henry VIII became so awful because his brain was affected from the very bad accident when he fell off his horse!!)

I have to say that @FreekStar's suggestion is inspired - a metal detector!

Also just thought, how about some Asterix books? Can be read in English and French

So many up's and downs at this age - this is what we are doing, jogging on treadmill, mountain biking, martial arts online class. 3d printer, electronics kits, chemistry subscription. My son is very academic and not sporty, but have agreed he needs to do some exercise each day. The above have been spread over months - the exercise has helped with emotional swings.

It sounds like hormones to me.

I had similar feelings to your son as a child - I’m a massive perfectionist and always felt I was never achievening enough, even though I was actually doing alright. My advice would be to reassure him that he’s enough and that he doesn’t need a “talent” to be happy. But let him know it’s ok to feel how he feels. He sounds like he’s doing great at lots of things.

@User0ne

Hmm, he is 13. Probably rather hormonal (or getting there at least). I wouldn't read too much into this though I can see why it would be so upsetting.

It's probably worth a conversation when he's less emotional about how much work people have to put it to be really exceptional at things; eg average 10000 hours of practice. Does he look up to any athletes, professional historians etc? - talk about the amount of time they spend training/ studying etc.

It's not.like he's doing badly if he's getting grades 7-9 in year 9 so some perspective might be useful too.

I agree. I'm sure most have experienced hormones making us irrationally emotional, and it could be that this perceived lack of hobbies etc is just a peg on which to hang to these feelings.

My son (17) sounds very similar in many ways. He only really started finding his feet with his hobbies at around the age of 15. Before that he had tried many different things and usually gave them up too quickly. He enjoyed sports but was never that great at them so instead of doing extra training to get better, he quit. He's an A student and excels at academic stuff but he's not really academic either although he likes history and politics.

At the age of 15 he took up the guitar again (he'd done a few lessons at primary level and gave it up). Now he's got an acoustic, electric and bass guitar and he's actually quite good. At that age you can make good progress quite quickly at an instrument and there are so many free videos on Youtube that you can practically teach yourself (DS has a great guitar teacher though who inspires him - a young guy in his twenties who is in a band). He listens to music alot these days and is starting some composition too.

He also loves hill walking which personally I'm not a big fan of but I'm encouraging his dad to take him out because it's a good way for them to spend some time together. In the last year he's also taken up Brazilian Jujitsu which he loves (he listens to Joe Rogan's podcast and he talks a lot about BJJ). They're only doing zoom classes for now as they can't do classes in person but he's looking forward to getting back to it. He also started going to the gym and lifting weights at 15 but again that's stopped due to the lockdown.

Anyway what I'm thinking is (based on our experience) that 13 is quite young and he has plenty time to establish his hobbies. Puberty is a real transitional period - they're not long in big school, work is harder, relationships are more complicated, everything is changing, hormones raging etc. It's a difficult age but I think in the next few years if he keeps trying different things he'll find his "thing" whatever that may be. Many of the things my son really enjoys (and hopefully will stick with now that he's older) he only started in the last year or two.

If he kikes history, what about him doing the family tree? There are free resources on line, or he could "interview" family members by phone/zoom/skyoe etc. I know its screen time but at least its not just aimlessly surfing.

As for watching things in French, that is a brilliant way to do it. My suggestion is to watch films you already know/own but change the DVD setting to French. We did this with Ready Player One, my son read the book and watched the film in Both languages. He hates films but for some reason loved only this! The DVD box will tell you which languages are available and you change your DVD settings to listen to the language you want, try Listening in French OR subtitling in French, and see what appeals to you.

As others have said "Spiral" ("engrenages") the French Police series is excellent but some parts are extremely hard to understand, as they are running about and talking fast cop jargon. My DH IS French and has to read the subtitles. If anyone is learning French though it will still help.

I totally sympathise with you situation and the feelings of your son. I have a daughter who will be 13 this month. She really struggled with home school because she is so conscientious and does find school work much of a challenge compared to her peers she got very distressed !

How about cooking as a hobby? There is a fairly instant rewards with making a meal/ loaf of bread/ cake which might give him a boost. There’s so many different types of cooking and a certain amount of science which you can help him to understand to engage his bright mind!

I haven’t had a chance to read all the responses so this might have been already mentioned, but I wanted to suggest joining a Scout troup when things get better.
From 14 - 18 there is an explorer section now. If you find an active group, he might find they are able to keep him interested in trying out or dabbling in a whole load of activities- outdoorsy things like hiking, Camping, climbing, kayaking... but also indoor skills like debating, learning about current issues and practical life skills.
I absolutely loved scouting (I joined venture scouts at 15 as the age groups were different then). I joined as a slightly awkward 15 year old with not much sense of myself and what I was good at (was also a bit academic so school came easily and I got confused/disheartened when I wasn’t good at things) It gave me an immediate social group a lot more diverse and accepting than my friends at school. It gave me a chance to try all sorts of activities together with friends. We went on Summer camps to France and Norway. And the perseverance came from participating in hiking challenges and also working through my Queens scout challenge (much like DoE). I’ve kept involved in scouting throughout my life.
Those were the happiest days of my life actually!

The other thing that we bought was 3D puzzles! Again a bit extra difficulty and a model to keep to demonstrate their achievements!

I have a child who ditched one hobby after another until he found one that was a good fit and now he’s unstoppable! However, it’s about the journey not the end result- he needs to find something that actually stimulates him. I got ds an led cube to put together- it’s a properly grown up task (so you will need to supervise and encourage) however, the end result is amazing and he is so proud! It’s very easy to follow simple instructions. You can even build your own pc- again just following a simple set of instructions. Things like this might suit him- the big reward when he finishes it should motivate him but it’s actually not hard at all. Very cheap to get started too! Highly intelligent children often get bored easily and lose motivation. Good luck!

If he's passionate about joining the Labour Party then there's a LOT of research he can be doing around its history, leading to the factionalism in it at the moment. There's also a lot of stuff he can read about labour movements in other countries and the history of leftist political thought and actions.

Maybe he doesn't see his interest in history and writing ability as a talent or a passion? It's not an obviously show-y thing like being good at a sport or art. But it IS a special talent and I think you should tell him it will serve him very well in life.

Also, tell him that even the most successful writers struggle with writers' block! It feels awful, no getting around it, but it's not an indication of failure.

Haven't had time to rtft but I have to recommend chesskid. Yes it's screen time, but we've found it very productive. It has chess lessons & online play and both our children have loved it.

He does actually have hobbies. He's tried loads of things. He's just got no 'stickability'. This happens if a child finds things easy.

One of Ds1's friends cried once, he isn't the brightest and isn't good at any hobby. Whereas most of the boys are in top sets, and good at sports, one playing for Chelsea. I assured him, that do long as you pass maths and English, it's good enough. 'Good enough' is enough. Who cares if you are good at stuff. 0.01% make it, to be a premier footballer etc. Who cares if your not great at anything. Find something you like to do as a job, is probably better advice.

I don't think that finding a new hobby is going to be the problem. He's already found loads and given them all up. That giving up is the underlying issue you need to address; the fact he gives up when they become difficult. He's a perfectionist and wants to be 'the best' immediately without the effort. He wants immediate, unrealistic results and when they don't happen he quits and moves on to the next idea. Everytime he isn't brilliant immediately, his confidence takes a bashing. It's a really detrimental (and expensive) pattern to get stuck in.

Look up 'fear of failure' and work on his resilience and perfectionism or he'll spend his life chopping and changing and never working hard enough at anything to be good at it.

(Voice of experienced, underachiever with no resistance here.)