Ds (13) sobbing uncontrollably about lack of hobbies and talents - where have gone wrong

[looseddaughter]

Ds1 (13) has just gone to bed after a good 90 mins of ranting and sobbing over his perceived lack of hobbies and talents. He was as upset as I have ever seen him and it was horrible.

It started as I told him he'd had enough laptop for the day when he said he was going to his room and he said there was nothing else to do and it spiralled from there. We have had a pretty shit holiday in the sense that we've been in most days (isolated for a week and then obviously not a lot you can do in tier 4) so I don't know if there's an element of boredom after having been pent up but it did seem deeper.

He keep saying whatever he does there are 'people 10 steps ahead of me,' and 'I just want a hobby I can do that I'm good at and enjoy...a talent.' This was all through sobs. To be honest, it's true that he doesn't really have a hobby. He loves reading but only ever wants to do it just before bed, obviously enjoys his laptop and is a history fanatic so uses it for research, documentaries and history- based computer games. He doesn't do lego, likes the odd boardgame and doesn't do any sport except cricket, which was a nightmare last season as despite doing brilliantly in training he had a few nightmare games and did silly things like running himself out. I know he felt shit at the end of the season.

I think he tends to give up on things as soon as they're difficult. He bought some figures, again, history based, last year that needed painting and after the initial enthusiasm he got fed up of how fiddly it was and left it. Same thing happened with model making a couple of years ago. He got really into cycling last year but then seemed to just go right off it - not really sure why. He just gets these initial bursts of enthusiasm and then everything peters into nothingness. It doesn't help that he seems quite limited socially, even Covid aside, and despite having friends in school and telling me about them he rarely interacts with them outside school. Before lockdown never went out with them unless it was a party and now rarely online with them.

He's academically able and in top sets for everything with a real flair I'd say for English and humanities. I don't know if this is part of the problem as in a lot of things come quite easily to him then when something doesn't he just stops. He plays clarinet but has no real enthusiasm for it and moans endlessly about practising but insists he wants to carry on when I ask. Today he was crying about making no progress in it and I did explain (nicely) that he does the bare minimum practice so what does he expect? I was trying to say people with 'talents' or hobbies are prepared to spend hours on them and that's how they get good, which he doesn't do really, aside from cricket, which still didn't go well. He asked for a guitar last year but again had no interest in it really and it has barely been touched for months.

Earlier we'd watched a French crime drama with subtitles because he loves the genre and I casually suggested it as I like them and he's doing French at school. He's in Y9 and getting what the school call 'grades 7-9', so doing really well. However, he got really upset and said he couldn't hear any of the words he was supposed to know. I tried to explain that was to be expected but he kept saying how hard it was then mentioned a boy in his class who gets full marks every time and has apparently read LOTR in French.

I just don't know how to handle this. On the one hand I obviously don't want to pressure him and don't want him comparing himself to others in an unhealthy way, but on the other hand I kind of do think a hobby would do him good and have often felt he could do with sticking at things a bit more but I don't know how to approach it. Cricket is the thing he has devoted most time and energy to and, as I said, it doesn't really seem to have paid off. I was also trying to get across that hobbies aren't necessarily about excelling at something but are about enjoyment, but I think that's hard for him to get, especially where sport is concerned.

I also feel the usual guilt as his dad and I are divorced and I feel that disadvantages him because of living between two houses etc. Dad is a musician but has never got involved with the music practice and I feel ds is keeping it on to please his dad but also won't ask him for help. I don't really have hobbies, or not ones that are active - just things like reading, watching films, travel... not things where I actually do anything so not a good role model. Don't know - feel we have let him down and really don't know how to help.

I'm fairly certain this is what my husband was like as a teenager! His parents have a loft of abandoned musical instruments! i can imagine him having had a melt down like this. He regrets giving up piano as I think he was quite good at it but he loses interest in things quickly. He found secondary school hard as he wasnt sporty. He's very intelligent but gets bored. As an adult he goes through phases of the gym or DIY and the abandons it completely. I just wanted to reassure you that he is a well adjusted adult despite carrying all this into adulthood! He's got a really good job. Getting bored with other jobs has made him go far quite quickly and his lack of interest in the small details of a project make him perfect for managing other people! He'd still say he wishes he were sporty or that he hadn't given this or that up but he's happy. Try not to worry.

Would he be interested in horse riding? Riding centres are still open and group lessons are available for children (though not adults). MY DS who is 15 had terrible mental health problems in the first lockdown and riding really helped. It’s not cheap though and not many boys do it but in DS’s group, there are 3/4 boys of a similar age and standard (think instructor purposely put them together). You could have a go too😁

I think there is an element of you guiding him to commit to something. Don't give up when it gets hard, you keep going. So if you sign up to a term of X class then you do it all, you don't flake out. If you start a musical instrument, you keep going until you can at least play a decent tune. If you join a sports club you keep going until you have at least mastered the basics etc. It's a useful life lesson and you as a parent need to enforce that sense of commitment a bit more.

14 year olds are hard. I barely survived my daughters teens, let alone during a pandemic!
My heart goes out to you - they want something to do but don’t want to do it
Ugh

To be honest maybe he broke down because he hoped you would give him his laptop back?

You can't pick a 13 year olds hobbies for him. It's a tough age especially now. If he is on Facebook/ Instagram he would be best to come off for a while.

My DH and I have been chatting about this (not a my DH says it so it must be true post, just context and to say that two of us think this!).

It sounds like he has hobbies and talents. The issue seems to us to be more about high expectations for what he'll achieve in them and not feeling like he can talk about this more generally, meaning he has an outburst like this. Boredom might be part of it too.

We think it would be worth talking to him about he feels when he's a bit calmer. The idea to go walking is great - it's good for mental well-being and a great place to talk. I think you need to talk to him about how what he feels doesn't necessarily match up to reality e.g. he does have hobbies - cricket, history etc. And ask him about what friends do to help him see that he's probably a fairly normal teenager in terms of hobbies. I think it would also be helpful to talk more about doing things for enjoyment rather than expecting to be perfect or innately talented without practice (also re cricket it's really normal to do well in practice and fluff a few games - even at professional level you hear about sportsmen being off their form). It sounds like you've already done this a bit, but these things can take time to change.

I haven't rtft so apologies if this has already been suggested but, given his love of history, why not encourage him to research his family tree? Ancestry. com is a good place to start.

What's his bedroom like? How about getting a tin of paint in his chosen colour, or wallpaper for a feature wall and a couple of cheap bits from ikea to put together? A great skill to learn and a very satisfying end result.
My ds is only 6 and he is feeling it too . No swimming, football, or beavers. He is so under stimulated and missing activities. I feel for the kids I really do .

I voted yanbu as you are not being unreasonable for how you feel and sound amazing. However. Your child is 13, he will be addled with hormones and pent up and unsettled by the lockdown as we all are. I agree with other comments that it’s too much to be workshopping his hobbies for him- seriously, who does that? Who has the time? It’s ok that he got upset, had a rant and a cry- it’s great that he got that out of his system. The emotional outburst probably wasn’t about ‘not having a hobby’ specifically.I would not over identify. It’s great and healthy that he could download to you but I don’t think you need to take it on board too literally. It sounds as though he is a high achiever who already has an abundance of interests to pursue (in addition to gaming which is the default for most kids).

I have not read all of the responses, but you have had some great advice so far.

To be fair I think he sounds like a bright young person with lots and lots of skills and interests. I think this is maybe a combination of utter boredom and isolation during these awful times, and maybe a feeling that he has to perfect or top in everything. I think he is worrying about not being the best, or comparing himself to others. I do think that as a society to do our young people a disservice when we push for achievement all the time. There is nothing wrong in doing something for the pure pleasure of it. I know that schools do this too - if he intends to apply for uni there is a lot of stress on writing the personal statement and including a section on hobbies and achievements, along with linking that to what skills you learnt or how it applies to the subject you are applying for. I really doubt unis even bother to read this, but there you go! I am convinced that lots and lots of kids who do D of E do it purely for this reason - and although it can be great for some, lots really don't enjoy it.

You sound like you already do a great job encouraging him to explore interests and hobbies - many kids don't get the chance to learn a musical instrument, to be driven to sports practice or be taken on holiday or museums, so don't be hard on yourself either.

They have already been suggested, but maybe encourage him into non competitive hobbies. I cannot recommend geocaching highly enough - it gets you outdoors and there is the fun of looking for the hidden 'treasure; as well as map reading skills. You can hide trackables and watch them go off around the world if you are lucky, as well as planning and hiding your own caches. It'd a really friendly community too - when lockdown eases there are events you can go to, litter picks etc.

I would also think about buying him a metal detector as he enjoys history. Or have a look to see if Young Archaeologists have a branch near you. He could even get involved in digs.

Dungeons and Dragons is also lots of fun. Not competitive but lots of creative and planning skills are involved.

Hate to say it, but this is pretty normal for a 13 year old. Both my children went through phases like this and I remember feeling like it myself at this age. Just desperately wanting to be 'good' at something not just Ok at everything. My DH is a musician - we actually have a music room full of instruments - and neither of my children played anything until DD learnt the guitar from YouTube in her room at about 15. I think they just couldn't be bothered knowing that their dad would most likely be able to play better. It might help to try something a bit niche, then he can be the best in the class at it more easily - climbing, metal detecting/local history, riding, cross-country running, free gym?

No advice, just wanted to say you could have be writing about my 13yo DD.

Pretty much cross post with bluebluesingsilver!

Hi OP,
You’ve had lots of useful responses. I hope you recognise that most of us think your son has lots of interests and sounds pretty academically able, I think a PP comment that it may be his inner self that needs development is interesting. And that he sounds like a Renaissance person and that’s no bad thing!
But I came on to make some suggestions based on his interest in politics: there are charities/organisations to promote debating and free speech, I recommend he gets involved in one, as you’ll know, debating societies like the Oxford Union are very well regarded. Before joining his local Labour branch, he could do some research into recent party history, factionalism between Momentum supporters and what’s regarded as the centre of the party. Further to that, if he doesn’t already I recommend he starts reading not just the Guardian’s political coverage but also some from a different political stand point, either Times or Telegraph probably.
And I liked PP idea of writing articles/a blog to explain history to younger children- maybe he could also try this with current affairs and also have a go at doing topical animations on scratch?

Just let him have his screen time like every other normal teenager at the moment.

I sounds like you want him off his screen to keep you company more than anything which is making him feel unhappy as you have an agenda he's just not ready or interested in. As for French drama, it's all colloquial and they speak bloody fast.

OP ive not read the full thread, but just wanted to add that I was like this as a child/teenager, and I remember a very similar conversation with my mum where I got quite upset because I just couldn't find my "thing". I tried lots of stuff, naturally was very bright so did well at school, quite musical, terrible at sport, but nothing ever grabbed me.
I think what I found so upsetting was that at that age, there is quite a lot of pressure for kids to have hobbies and talents - pressure from.adults and other kids. I remember feeling like it was supposed to define you and give you your identity. And as I didnt have one, it felt like I had no identity.
Even as an adult I dont have a particular hobby. HOWEVER, my enthusiasm for starting something new, learn quickly, and general ability to do most things quite well, has meant my life so far (I'm in my 30s) has been interesting, rich and varied. I was/am also a big reader and into history and philosophy and diving deeper into things.
Not sure this is much help but maybe try and help him see the positives of the way he is, rather than desperately searching for the hobby that will define him? Encourage whatever he is interested in at the moment, and definitely being interested in history and the past and knowledge is a hobby in itself!
My mum was always pretty understanding of my inability to stick at anything and she encouraged my individuality and I am very grateful for that. As a teenager these things are tough though!

It's a crap time for kids and young people right now, so whatever works I think.

I know a few people have already suggested this, but to me it seems like it's perfectionism/fear of failure/feeling inadequate compared to others that's the issues here. It sounds as though he actually has quite a lot of interests and potential hobbies already.

How to help him address this is something I'm not entirely sure of. The things that come to mind are praising his effort and time rather than results, maybe trying something new together, maybe showing him through your activities/hobbies that you don't have to be perfect at everything first time. Personally I think it's also helpful to talk about how people who are super-skilled often had a lot of setbacks/trial and error on the way - everyone's first draft is rubbish.

Good luck OP, you sound like a very caring and loving parent.

Have you a local history group?
There's one where my dm lives you pay a couple of quid at every meeting. Obviously not at the moment but they have speakers in or go on walks to look at history of the area. Might be worth a google?

What a fantastic resource of ideas this thread is - one of the best I've read for ages. I wish I'd come across something like this when I was struggling with teenagers.

Geocaching? Could be a fun one. Could you get a clarinet music book of more fun pieces e.g. I had one as a child for a piano that had film scores/Beatles etc which was much more enjoyable and they are written to be very simple so more achievable.

He sounds lovely OP, tired and hormonal but lovely.

All mine had loads of hobbies that they didn't commit to, they were into for a couple of years then gave up. I think that's absolutely fine! As they get into gcses they have less time for hobbies.

Kids sport gets so competitive so young, it's silly really. Eg if you enjoy swimming with friends you join a swim club which then gets competitive. Music starts to be all about grades.

Op, your DS sounds very similar to mine (who has just turned 15). My DS has Aspergers and is massively interested in History and watches a lot of online Youtube stuff about all sorts of things.

I know chess has been mentioned several times on this thread - it's become quite trendy (possibly because of lockdown?) and in DS's year they all seem to spend a lot of time playing speed chess online with one another which is great. Also have a look at 'The 'Queen's Gambit' series on Netflix...

Also, several PP have mentioned getting him outside for a walk every day - I do this with DS and I'm always amazed by a)how much happier he is by he time we come home, and b)how much he opens up to me when we're walking - we talk about all sorts of things!

There have been several similar posts recently.
I think he is not alone in struggling.
Firstly, why are screens perceived as so bad? If he was reading a book, you probably wouldn't take it away from him.
Out of my 3 young adults, it was the one who was on screens the most, who now has the highest paid job as an IT professional.
Harness it, get him the Lego that you can programme.
Secondly, I'd be encouraging him to do things for pleasure. Not for achievement, I second everything that a PP said about cadets, one of mine went to Army cadets and it was amazing for him, another did air cadets and it tends to appeal more to the less sporty, more academic types.
Finally, I'd quit the clarinet, we wasted thousands, rescue a dog instead.

My dd is very similar, she doesn’t have many hobbies and doesn’t stick to things for very long, one thing she stuck too for quite a while and still does occasionally now is photography, it’s something we do together and it gets her out the house, it’s got her into wildlife and bird watching (something she can do at home during lockdown). Her other hobby is her pets, she has pet snakes and she spends ages researching them on the internet and she draws pictures of them. Dd has Aspergers so she’s not really interested in hobbies that involve other people and doesn’t like sport.

It’s really hard at the moment due to lockdowns (tier 4) so I don’t really limit tech time, I do try and drag the dc out when it’s not raining so they get some exercise and fresh air but dd spends a lot of time glued to her switch, phone, iPad or DS.

He's a polymath.

I know a lot of exceptionally clever and successful people through work. Some also have an impressive talent like conducting an orchestra. Others flit from hobby to hobby and spend hours on candy crush.

I think schools sell the idea that you need these impressive hobbies. I work in university admissions and I'm sorry to say I don't actually care much about extra curriculars- I mean it's impressive but admissions decisions are mainly about grades and subject tests....