AIBU to tell him to block her

[twinkylights]

Name changed so my other posts aren't linked.

Whilst using my DHs phone if come across a WhatsApp conversation between him and a friend of ours. (She's married also) know each other for 15 years.
12 year age gap between them (if that matters)

These messages go back to 2018 that I can see.

They are everyday from good morning to good night.
A lot of use of nicknames for each other I've never heard.
More than an acceptable amount of ambiguity and innuendo from both sides.
Kisses on all messages and laughing faces.
He's spoke about me in a derogatory way more than a few times.

And tonight the conversation about how when he gets rid of me those 2 are off into the sunset together 

Im just so shocked and devastated. I'm currently hiding upstairs watching a movie with the kids.

I can't bring myself to ask him. He always calls her his best friend and sounding board and seeing these messages makes me think there's more to it. They have so much in common and speak the same language so to speak.

AIBU to tell him it's a emotional affair and not a friendship and tell him to block her? He's never done anything like this before.

@Bluntness100

My question was would it be unreasonable for him to block her and try or whether it was too far gone. That's all.
I wasn't going to confront him with something that wasn't there.

I don't see how it was his primary relationship??

@Bluntness100
I don't see how it was right in front of my face either.
We have been friends with her and her family for nearly 12 years so it's not like she was new to the scene and it started.

I think it's a safe bet to say their contact has been physical

He's talking about running off with her, I'd be taking that decision away from him and kicking him out.

I would also screenshot the messages but only if I could get hold of his phone ASAP today as no way could I hold that amount of anger in.

And I know it's not popular on here but I'd be sending them to her husband, take the wind out of her fucking sails.

Sorry you're going through this OP, he is a douchebag

Yabu to tell him to block her because you deserve more than to be a second choice.

Like other have said, I would screenshot what messages I can and forward the screenshots to her OH. He deserves to know the truth as well. Then end things with DH. It's no way to live your life with someone like him. What a creep.

In answer to your question Twinky, I think yes YWBU to ask him to block her because this ship has sailed.

I understand it must be devastating but you can it yourself in the messages - he talks to her about his inner thoughts, hopes and dreams. Things he doesn't talk to you about. And that he barely talks to you at all .

And he obviously fancies her.

It is there in black and white how they want to be together.

Rather than asking him to block her I would let them get on with it and concentrate on looking after yourself and getting away from him. You need nurturing.

Op, they meet several times a week. They say goodnight snd good morning every day, he shares things with her he doesn’t share with you. He talks about when he can get away from you. He states he is only there for the kids and is counting down till he can end it. He would even tell you he was seeing her alone. Make you go there on Christmas Eve. They talk about sex. How they will behave when they live together. Even discuss having more kids.

How can you possibly think this is not his primary relationship, or even it’s not physical? No one can possibly be this naive.

At no point did you really never think when he was meeting a woman twelve years younger than him alone several times a week that there was more to it?

Tbf I probably buried my head in the sand.

I was happy he had friends and people who shared interests.

The age difference wasn't a thing in my mind.

I don't think I was naive. I honestly just saw it as him doing his thing with his friends like I do my stuff with my friends and should the 2 go together happy days. That's all

And obviously I only found out the conversation content when I saw them. Before that it was just a matter of them apparently bumping into each other occasionally
And wanting to see friends and make the rounds at Christmas

Don't send the kids back to school.

Don't even waste a moment of energy trying to 'put your case' to convince people that they are the ones in the wrong.

I would pack your bags and go with your children back to hometown and family right now.

That will be the absolute strongest evidence you can possibly have. And he will then be the one left trying to sort out what he should do, and tell people. And no matter what he says, when her marriage collapses too and they end up together, everyone will know full well what they did, even if to their faces they lie and are still their friends.

As for you - the most positive move you could make is to see this rented house, this location you have no career in, these friends who apparently all love both of them so much and think they're great - the BEST thing you could possibly do is shift your thinking NOW, TODAY - and see all this as your past.

Back in your hometown, right now, you could be with people who love and believe in you. Who will support you and the kids to put you back on the path of working through this and getting a career. Back there are new friends you don't know yet, and possibly new relationships you have no idea about yet.

Leave this stinking turd of a cheat and just go.

@YoniAndGuy

Don't send the kids back to school.

Don't even waste a moment of energy trying to 'put your case' to convince people that they are the ones in the wrong.

I would pack your bags and go with your children back to hometown and family right now.

That will be the absolute strongest evidence you can possibly have. And he will then be the one left trying to sort out what he should do, and tell people. And no matter what he says, when her marriage collapses too and they end up together, everyone will know full well what they did, even if to their faces they lie and are still their friends.

As for you - the most positive move you could make is to see this rented house, this location you have no career in, these friends who apparently all love both of them so much and think they're great - the BEST thing you could possibly do is shift your thinking NOW, TODAY - and see all this as your past.

Back in your hometown, right now, you could be with people who love and believe in you. Who will support you and the kids to put you back on the path of working through this and getting a career. Back there are new friends you don't know yet, and possibly new relationships you have no idea about yet.

Leave this stinking turd of a cheat and just go.

⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️ Yes, this. 100%.

You deserve better OP. You need to start believing this.

I have a close friend who's male and married. We text - however I have respect for his wife and there's never been any flirting, innuendos or texts about riding off into the sunset together, not even when he was single. That crosses the line from friendship into another territory.

@YoniAndGuy

OP you now have a plan.

He lives with you but his relationship is clearly with her.

Don't send the kids back to school

Don’t be ridiculous, she can’t just pull a 14 year old and a nine year old out of school with no other place. Whatever the parents have done, you can’t damage the children’s education over it.

In your position, I'd swipe his phone if at all possible. Or if the Facebook messages are enough to show they're both talking of a future, send them to her husband and leave, without a word.

Go to your friends, your family.

Leave him to deal with the mess he's created.

I think asking him to block her would be a total waste of time. You’ll never know if you’ve just driven their relationship further underground and you’ll always be wondering.
The disrespect her has shown here is astounding and I could never get it out of my mind.
Please let us know how you get on over the next few weeks. I still think you should try and get some shots as undoubtedly they will try and play you as a mental case imagining things that aren’t there.
I do think your plan should be to set up job and home near your own family but get legal advice first before you take your daughter from the joint home as that might not go in your favour especially as he has mentioned wanting custody
Maybe start with telling him your relationship is over ( you don’t have to play your cards and divulge you know anything at this stage)
And see if he will move to his parents

I agree @inpursuit take his phone before you leave.

Deny all knowledge of it.

You can decide what and whom you wish to share the messages with.

Will give them both a sleepless night. Her especially.

Op, don’t let anyone push you to do anything but do take the advice on board.
Many marriages survive a one night stand, an affair, many don’t. Try to take some time to get your ducks in a row but at a pace that suits you. You must feel devastated at the betrayal. He won’t get custody of your dd. Do you have any evidence of emotional abuse? Can you confide in your gp?
I really am genuinely sorry you are starting the year like this. It may well get a lot worse before it gets better, I wish you nothing but the very best of luck.

If you have access to his phone you can export the chat to your phone so that you have a copy of it.

Simply click on the 3 dots in the rhs corner, click on the 'more option and then click on export chat.

@twinkylights, sorry, see my above post. Meant to @ you in my original post. Hope this info is useful to you.

It's the best time ever to take children out of school. There practically IS no fucking school. If they are going to be disrupted anyway, there is no reason to delay. There is, on the other hand, every reason to act quickly and decisively rather than prolonging this absolutely horrible situation. Very soon, the children are going to start to be affected too.

Right now, as far as school is concerned, even if you don't know what you want longer term, taking yourself and your children out of the situation for even a short while will have absolutely no effect on their education in the longer term as everything is so up in the air. They're probably not even going to be in bloody school, physically, for long before it's blended learning. Even if not, it's been such a shitstorm of a year it really is going to have no effect whatsoever, as well as teachers/authority having probably very little interest, in this of all years, if you keep your kids with you for a month or whatever while you go to your parents.

Maybe you will decide you are going to come back, split and carry on where you are.

Maybe you will decide to move to your hometown and they will start school there.

But the idea that you can't take kids out of school at this start of 2021 because it's going to 'damage their education'? Um. Lol.

I've never heard such bollocks in my life. Maybe you should watch the news, you've clearly missed out on some biiiig events!

You haven't said you've made screen shots. Please say you have.

And how did it you manage to get hold of the phone in the first place if he knows how much incriminating evidence is on it? Can you get it again?

Sorry, just seen that @Cymbidium69 has already mentioned exporting the chat. You can do so with or without media. If it's the texts, rather than the picture/gifs, etc, that are rude, I'd suggest doing it without media as it will be much quicker.

Whether he has had any physical contact with this woman is irrelevant and with all due respect she is not your issue here. He is. Even if you asked him to block her and he did, could you ever really trust him?

The fact that he is writing to someone about what he plans to do when he's rid of me would kill any kind of future I thought we had. To me this would just be too big a betrayal.

If you want to, then take the decision out of his hands. Pull the rug out from under him. Pack your stuff, go with the kids to your mums or wherever and use the space to gain perspective. Also, speak to people who know you about this - do not cover for him.

Contact her DP and ask him if he knows what's going on between yopur partners. Then let the news filter back to your DH via the OW.

Meanwhile you dust off the suitcase and park it in your wardrobe. If/When he mentions message from OW you whip out the suitcase and tell him to pack it and go. YOU have decided he should leave.

    Boot on the other foot and aimed straight up his arse.