AIBU to tell him to block her

[twinkylights]

Name changed so my other posts aren't linked.

Whilst using my DHs phone if come across a WhatsApp conversation between him and a friend of ours. (She's married also) know each other for 15 years.
12 year age gap between them (if that matters)

These messages go back to 2018 that I can see.

They are everyday from good morning to good night.
A lot of use of nicknames for each other I've never heard.
More than an acceptable amount of ambiguity and innuendo from both sides.
Kisses on all messages and laughing faces.
He's spoke about me in a derogatory way more than a few times.

And tonight the conversation about how when he gets rid of me those 2 are off into the sunset together 

Im just so shocked and devastated. I'm currently hiding upstairs watching a movie with the kids.

I can't bring myself to ask him. He always calls her his best friend and sounding board and seeing these messages makes me think there's more to it. They have so much in common and speak the same language so to speak.

AIBU to tell him it's a emotional affair and not a friendship and tell him to block her? He's never done anything like this before.

@twinkylights if I was you, I would get my mum to call me for some urgent visit, take the girls with you, as haven’t seen her in so long, and deal with it from there

You did not deserve this, they are utter shits and not nice people. When you do leave, tell everyone. Life won’t look so shiny for them without the excitement. So squalid.

I like @twinkylights idea. It would be good to have some physical space right now. I'd feel pretty murderous so it may prevent you from making a slip up.

I once got my self into this position, started texting a male friend from the school group. It stemmed from Facebook. We didn’t message that regularly but there was sexual comments and innuendos made by both of us! It was kind of like an escape for me as I was unhappy at home. He also has a wife and kids but he was more pushing to meet up than I was.
My husband went away for a few weeks and it would have been the perfect time for me to meet up with this guy however I still didn’t as I knew how wrong that would be.
Husband went through my phone when I was drunk/passed out one night and found the messages. He was very upset and I swore not to do it again and I haven’t.
If I had met up with this guy I don’t think he would have forgiven me. I even told him I’d leave as it was unfair on him but he begged me to stay.
Emotional affairs are so much more easier than physical ones as they require less effort and less guilt I think but personally I think they are just as bad, especially if there is talk about leaving one or both partners. I would definitely be calling him out on it and telling him to make his choice! Considering they have had so many meets up during the messages, I would be inclined to think something more has happened. I only saw the guy in my story once during the texting time and that was with the whole school group (and my husband) there, I do actually dread to think what would have happened had we been alone during that time. I’d be loving a very different life to now.
I hope your husband tells the truth and chooses you abs the kids!

If that’s what you want of course!

@Itsnotyouitsmeiswear
Hello.

I don't think I can come back from this tbh.

What's in the messages has devastated me. No just the innuendo and ambiguity but the fact he's shared hopes and dreams I didn't know about. He's slagged me off. Laughed when she said something about me etc.

I don't know if anything physical has happened. I don't think so as they have always met for coffee in public places and we live in a small town.

I'm rethinking and going over everything anyone has said to me in the last 2 years. I remember a friend saying that friends don't look at friends that way. I laughed it off as I just thought they were super close and I didn't want to ruin his friendship.

His behaviour with her is completely out of line- but more to the point he just doesn't sound like a good partner to you, you said he barely speak to you, he doesn't respect you and you don't seem to be a team.

Screenshots may be useful for proof for friends/family if you like but you don't need them for the solicitors, judges don't really care about who did/said what to who, they're just looking at what's a fair division of assets.

Can you reach out to this friend again and ask her what she meant by that? Can you speak to your Mum?

Are you strong enough to stay quiet and gather your evidence? I know Bluntness has said it's not important - and I do understand where she's coming from - but for your own mental health and resolve. When confronted, he will lie and you will doubt yourself.

Are you able to gather info and screenshots?

Sorry if I seem pushy - I suppose I'm trying to focus your mind and actions.

Remember - don't let your DD's see anything. Shower them with the usual love.

I would be more worried that he’s discussing leaving you and testing the waters to see if she will go with him. I remember this sickening feeling all too well- realising that the life you have built is crumbling. However, don’t give up and walk away- surely it’s worth trying to heal the marriage first. If he is open to this, set the ground rule of no contact or minimal contact with her.

There was never any mention of me and this guy running off together or mocking each other’s partners and I can imagine how much more painful that would be to read. You definitely don’t deserve to be treated this way, nobody does, and I truly believe you can be happier without him. As others said, if you can get the evidence, although you don’t need it to leave, it will surely help with divorce proceedings if that is the path you choose.
I can honestly say I felt totally remorseful for my actions and my husband still sometimes asks who I’m texting so I know it’s still has effects on us, but I also think your husband has overstepped the mark in way more worse ways and if I was in your shoes I would definitely be taking my children and leaving. I hope it all works out for you I really do

I think it is sensible to take screenshots and look for financial info eg bank account details, NI numbers, pension details etc ASAP

And remember to take your passport and all of your own financial docs when you leave

Good luck, stay strong

And tonight the conversation about how when he gets rid of me those 2 are off into the sunset together

I'd tell him to pack his fucking bags, not block her.

I don't know if anything physical has happened. I don't think so as they have always met for coffee in public places and we live in a small town

I don’t understand this. Are you saying they met for coffees jist the two of them? How would you know they didn’t meet at other times? What is living in a small town got to do with it?

Yes they use to meet for coffee all the times (pre covid) usually a few times a weeks. Usually just by bumping into each other.

I meant as apart from the coffee nothing else was really mentioned about meeting up.

Small town where everyone knows everything apparently is what I meant

I'm betting that this was a 'cover' to legitimise their 'friendship'.

I'm sorry OP. You have to start getting angry. Controlled and angry. He's playing you for a fool and happy to throw you under the bus by suggesting your crazy.

Get planning. Collect everything you can. Keep your powder dry - there is your strength for now.

I'm not a spiteful person, but I'd send everything to her DH as well eventually.

Well they’d not mention anything else op. I think if they were meeting a few times a week and there are sexual texts, you can be sure it’s physical, I’m sorry.

You don’t bump into someone a few times a week. The coffees are the ‘above board’ meet ups there will have been others.

We went to hers last Christmas as he said it would be nice to see them and for the kids to see each other.
I didn't want too (Xmas Eve) but he insisted 😔

I'm questioning everything from the last 2 years if I'm honest.
The amount of times he defended her, told me that I should make an effort with her etc.

So sorry you are going through this OP.
They usually bring out the ‘you are controlling, telling me not to be friends’.
I think the difference is that ‘friends’ are people who support your marriage and are very careful not to say or do a thing that could be misconstrued.
My exh had a friendship with a woman (call her L) that I encouraged because she was a good friend to him. She often suggested that she and I go for coffee etc )I think she was sensitive to the fact that I might think it was an affair) I rarely did meet her because I wanted him to have a friend who wasn’t primarily mine ITMS as I have lots of friends.
That was a positive friendship a d actually I would have been happy for her to be stepmom to my kids if Idied...
But Iknew instantly when another ‘friend’ (call her A)was an EA. She was completely hostile to me and advised him on decisions that alienated our children. He tried to gaslight me but I knew it was not unreasonable jealousy or not wanting him to have a friend. I even suggested that if he thought their ex have of messages was reasonable, instead of showing them to me, he could show them A and I would accept her judgement of whether they were reasonable or not. He refused...

@EmmanuelleMakro
That's horrible 😔

He will ask her advice and opinions etc. And if I'm honest she's never said a bad word about the kids and has always asked how they are etc and pushes him to do stuff with them.

I'm in no way defending her. I'm just saying that when the kids are mentioned it's always been positive.

They used to "just bump into each other" a few times a week, and always when they both had time to stop and go for coffee?

I don't bump into my neighbours nearly as often l, and when I do bump into someone we're both usually doing something and don't have time for much more than a quick catchup.

Are you sure they had coffee when they met or is that just what he told you?

@TheresNothingIWantMore

He would mention he saw her. He didn't tell me how regularly it was. But looking at the messages you can see it was a lot more than he said.
She would say I'm in xxx and he would then put wait there or similar.

@TheresNothingIWantMore

He would usually be gone around an hour. Sometimes with my DD sometimes not.

A few times we would be in town together and would see her and a friend etc.

This is very odd. If it’s real. And I’m starting to think it might not be. It’s like your husband has been openly conducting an affair for some considerable time, right in front of your face. And even when you saw the message evidence, you still asked if you should get him to block her. It’s not even just an affair, it’s like this is his primary relationship from what you’re posting.