AIBU to tell him to block her

[twinkylights]

Name changed so my other posts aren't linked.

Whilst using my DHs phone if come across a WhatsApp conversation between him and a friend of ours. (She's married also) know each other for 15 years.
12 year age gap between them (if that matters)

These messages go back to 2018 that I can see.

They are everyday from good morning to good night.
A lot of use of nicknames for each other I've never heard.
More than an acceptable amount of ambiguity and innuendo from both sides.
Kisses on all messages and laughing faces.
He's spoke about me in a derogatory way more than a few times.

And tonight the conversation about how when he gets rid of me those 2 are off into the sunset together 

Im just so shocked and devastated. I'm currently hiding upstairs watching a movie with the kids.

I can't bring myself to ask him. He always calls her his best friend and sounding board and seeing these messages makes me think there's more to it. They have so much in common and speak the same language so to speak.

AIBU to tell him it's a emotional affair and not a friendship and tell him to block her? He's never done anything like this before.

‘... probably because I divorced him for unreasonable behaviour and not adultery.’

This. But I would still want to have a file copy of the WhatsApp archive to hand as background evidence to support divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviours.

Screenshots = taking photographs on your phone of his phonescreen.

I dont think I could be as calm as you are being. Definitely get screenshots of the messages, and evidence of anything else you might need.
So sorry you are going through this.

Also you will need legal & benefit advice about your standing in the rented family home you & DC occupy.

Get all this background stuff lined up so that you are well informed & make good choices for both yourself & your DC.

Yes you are. You want to be thinking about leaving, nevermind anything else

Your marriage is over. Just end it now

‘ what they are going to do when he gets rid of me and is free again ‘

Er, how does he plan to do this?
How does she plan to shed her OH?

And tonight the conversation about how when he gets rid of me those 2 are off into the sunset together

My heart wouldn't be in it after reading this. It sounds like he's making do a d I just couldn't be committed to a man who speaks this way.

Even if I didn't decide to end the marriage, I'd have one foot out of the door and be planning my future without it. Its way to disrespectful and would put me off any kind of physical relationship with him.

Sorry you're going through this.

The WhatsApp how-to URL@EveryDayIsADuvetDay posted is good.

Suggest that you create a new email address for this archive export purpose.

As the chat goes back to 2018, I suggest that you export ‘without media’ first, then export again ‘with media’ to get any photos etc. Although that said, prolly will be images that you may not want to see...

Tell home to block her? I'd be kicking his sorry arse out of the home.

OP...from the way he talks to her, he sounds like he's all mouth and no action. She's an ego stroke and a confide boost for him. All that tslk if what he'd like to do and the no clothes rule.

He does just enough to keep her hooked and that's evident when she got angry as he wasn't making effort with her. He hasn't even pushed for sex...as the talk between fills his need and keeps the excitement going. He's pathetic and immature on so many levels.

He knows this is wrong ....but as its not physical he thinks it's forgivable if you find out, because it can't be classed as infidelity.

What happens in 2 years? Will sge leave her DH for yours? Does it sound like she's in love with him?

She's a big a fool as him if she can't see is, but that's not your problem.

Your youngest is in school....try and think about getting a job. You also mentioned stuff he does with the kids and he shows the OW....do you do much with them? Do you have a close bond with your DDs?

On another note.....

Taking photos of the messages isn't living in a James Bond movie it's getting your irrefutable evidence. You can't really reason with a liar like him, who has made the OP feel like she's mad.

Plus it's evidence to show the OWs husband as well.

I don't understand ppl saying "ask him" or "talk to him" when you're dealing with a cheating, manipulative, deceitful spouse.

It's like someone saying, don't waste your money on solicitors...just sort the divorce out yourself and save the money....yeah...not when you're dealing with someone who lacks integrity.

How are you feeling OP?
This is a lot to take in but you have had loads of great advice. Are you able to get hold of his phone without raising suspicion?

The only question you need to ask yourself, are these messages he would send to a man? Having a moan about partner happens and I do it with my friends, flirting is not ok. I would get your evidence so he can't deny it and confront him. When he argues you are crazy pull out the messages that have upset you and feel he wouldn't send if this woman was a man. Cuz I'm petty level 100. I'd then be saying I'll go and find a male best friend and see how you feel ..... but that one is up to you lol.

Just wanted to say OP, my ExH had a female ‘friend’ he had similar conversations with. I think the most hurtful bit was where he had been saying horrible stuff about me and then they’d been laughing about my mental health. He also told people I was crazy.

When I found out I felt absolutely paralysed. I didn’t have a clue what to do. ExH had been manipulating and abusing me for years and my confidence was on the floor. I felt like I’d failed. That I must be crap and that’s why he’d done it. I stayed with him but things just got worse.

I finally left 18 months later, honestly I was terrified but it was the best decision I ever made. Ds had always seemed to prefer his dad, sharing custody was so hard at first because ExH would make a big show of things when he had ds, playing the typical Disney dad role. But he couldn’t keep it up. Ds now realises I’m ‘home’ and dad can be a bit of a flake. I’m still working at undoing the damage ExH did to me. Lots of counselling and some very tough realisations, but I’m starting to get there. I just wish I’d left at the time and not let it slide.

Just wanted to say OP, my ExH had a female ‘friend’ he had similar conversations with. I think the most hurtful bit was where he had been saying horrible stuff about me and then they’d been laughing about my mental health. He also told people I was crazy.

What utter bastards!

This is not the time for hotheaded actions.

Screenshot the messages.

Plan for your marriage to be over - get all the financial information together, try to build up some savings in your name, don't commit to any big expenses or new contracts etc.

Can you go back to work? Or retrain?

Think about how you want your life to be without him and plan for that. Disengage emotionally from him and focus on your exit strategy.

AIBU to tell him it's a emotional affair and not a friendship and tell him to block her?

YabVu.... because you are suppose to kick this tosser to the curb. Where is your selfworth? He talks about leaving you for her, text her daily and talks about being with her. And you want him to BLOCK her???
No op. Just no.
Get your shit together and raise your standards

Cant believe you're asking if he should block her...erm no you should be asking him to fuck off !! This is a full blown emotional and most likely physical affair. He is going to leave you for her and try and get custody of your daughter. You seriously need to make a plan now for you and your kids as your marriage is completely over..I'd get screenshots if I could and contact a solicitor first thing Monday.

There's a tonne of good advice on here OP, I just want to add how sorry I am.

You are strong enough to get through this and finding out this way has bought you time to not only process (a little bit) but also to organise things to make moving on logistically easier. He is obviously emotionally engaged with this friend and doing or saying things to her, which should be shared with you. In fact even if it were just emotional (and who knows) that is just as hurtful if not more so. Emotional infidelity can be so much worse.

You will get through this. Breathe deep.

I just don’t get thr whole screenshot it for evidence, or show the evidence to thr solicitor. You don’t need evidence to end a relationship. You can just walk. You don’t need to give him time to justify it or gaslight you. You can just walk. You can simoly say our marriage is over.

I get the whole thing about being gaslighted, I just don’t understand the whole get evidence thing. You don’t need evidence, you can end a relationship at any time you wish for any reason you wish.

OP your head must be reeling. Good advice here but don't be told off for not moving fast enough, this will take a while to process am sure.

Good morning all.
Sorry for disappearing last night.

I have thought about all of this on and off all night.
I know what I need to do. It's the doing it part. I do want a copy of the conversation not so much for the solicitor but because both of them are seen as really genuine lovely people and they would be able to work their way out of this.

I made the mistake of looking on Facebook 😔

For those that asked I think she will leave her OH, and also be with my "D"H.

One of the messages say how she now drives him insane and he needs to rein this in. And how he understands how this year has thrown everything.

I can still see all the messages clear as day in my head.

I realise I was just wanting him to pretend she didn't exist so that it went back to "normal". I know this isn't going to happen.
I will be seeing a solicitor when the children are back on school

Thank you everyone

Good morning op, you do sound clearer this morning

Do you intend to address it with him? Of course you don’t have to. And yes you can kick the can down the road until the kids are in school,whenever that may be,

Also do you think they want to get out of it? Your post is contradictory. On one hand uou say they will want to get out of it, on the next they will wish to be together.

I agree, keeping the evidence for yourself is wise. I also think you need to make sure you have the financial information at hand and you understand it.

When was the last time you worked and what are you qualified to do. Do you know what savings there are and how much equity in the house? Is there a mortgage on it, do you know what benefits you’d be entitled to?

These are all the things you need to start to think through now.

@Bluntness100
Hello.
Yes I am. I've gone over and over it.

Kids are meant to go back this week. So biding my time I think.

I meant they are able to worm their way out of it and say it was all in my head.

I do have qualifications and a good degree so hopefully I can put that to good use

@Bluntness100 no mortgage. Privately rented property.
Some saving tucked away. And I get child benefit etc