AIBU to tell him to block her

[twinkylights]

Name changed so my other posts aren't linked.

Whilst using my DHs phone if come across a WhatsApp conversation between him and a friend of ours. (She's married also) know each other for 15 years.
12 year age gap between them (if that matters)


These messages go back to 2018 that I can see.

They are everyday from good morning to good night.
A lot of use of nicknames for each other I've never heard.
More than an acceptable amount of ambiguity and innuendo from both sides.
Kisses on all messages and laughing faces.
He's spoke about me in a derogatory way more than a few times.


And tonight the conversation about how when he gets rid of me those 2 are off into the sunset together 

Im just so shocked and devastated. I'm currently hiding upstairs watching a movie with the kids.

I can't bring myself to ask him. He always calls her his best friend and sounding board and seeing these messages makes me think there's more to it. They have so much in common and speak the same language so to speak.

AIBU to tell him it's a emotional affair and not a friendship and tell him to block her? He's never done anything like this before.

[georgemichaelfan]

If I were you I wouldn't let on that you'd seen the messages. Instead I would tell him you want to talk to him and tell him you just don't find him attractive any more and want a divorce.

[Imissmoominmama]

So he talks about ‘getting rid of you’, but does she talk about getting rid of her husband?

[1950s1]

@Tal45

I hope you have screenshots of everything. I think I'd tell him how upset you are and ask him if he'd be ok with you sending texts like that to a man. How is he with you? Is he loving, affectionate, attentive, caring, interested etc? Does he seem to enjoy time with you and do you do things together?
An emotional affair to me is where he is putting more time and effort into his relationship with her than he is with you, he confides in her, has pet names, has in jokes, tells her about problems with you, talks to her about things he should talk to you about.

By what you've said then my ex was having an emotional affair with his close female best friend but wouldn't admit to it, and kept insisting that they have a brother sister bond

[twinkylights]

@Lollypop701

I'm fine with him having female friends.

But telling them what he would do to them and their body.
Blatantly admitting he couldn't take his eye off her.
Telling her when they live together there might need to be a no clothes rule.

[twinkylights]

@Imissmoominmama

Yes she's said that

[YoniAndGuy]

Lol.

I don't think your DD will be going with him when you kick him out, no. I'm sure she'd rather carry on living with her family - her mum and sister - than tag along with her nasty cheating scumbag of a father.

Start the ball rolling. You don't need to talk to him any more - he's no longer important.

Gather financial info. Who earns what? Savings? Pensions? Get all the info. If savings are in a joint account, immediately move half to your own account.

See a solicitor - in fact, see a couple for one appointment. It means he can't use them. Get the best rottweiler you can. And start divorce proceedings.

What is the housing situation?

[YoniAndGuy]

[quote twinkylights]@Lollypop701

I'm fine with him having female friends.

But telling them what he would do to them and their body.
Blatantly admitting he couldn't take his eye off her.
Telling her when they live together there might need to be a no clothes rule. [/quote]
Pathetic piece of shit.

Stop concentrating on the juvenile wank fodder texts. You know what you need - he's a cheat. Don't even stoop to his level an argue about the technicalities. He is history.

You need to be thinking money and assets.

[Imissmoominmama]

Actually @georgemichaelfan, that’s a good idea. It sounds as though this is a huge ego stroke for him; he might reassess his priorities. Not that his priorities should make any difference to the outcome- that’s your decision Twinklylights.

[CandyLeBonBon]

It's more than an emotional affair in that case op. I'm so sorry

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Thats not an emotional affair, its a full blown affair and I would be amazed if there had not already been sex.

Time to bin this one off. And if she is with someone, I would be screenshotting and sending the pics to him too.

[twinkylights]

@YoniAndGuy

Privately rented house. I'm a SAHM, he works.

She is very much a daddies girl and would probably go to the ends of the earth for him.

[caringcarer]

This is not a normal friendship and messages every day for 2 years. Wow he has no respect for you. I don't know how you.can come back from this. I agree with other poster to not confront him yet but screen shot everything. Check through his bank statements with fine tooth comb. Has he ever had to work away from home overnight? Your advantage is that he is not on his guard ATM. I would be going for a divorce in which case get marriage certificate safe as you need this to file, try to get his pension details and photocopy, saving or ISA accounts again photocopy. Does he have s secret bank account do you think it is possible? Do they work together or share a hobby from which you are excluded? When do you think he sees her? Get your ducks in a row (all paperwork) before you confront him. He will likely deny it, say you are twisted and insane and delete all traces. That is what men do caught out in that situation. If your gut is telling you what he has done is not right and really hurtful and disrespectful to you, listen to it. A loving DH does not do this to a woman he loves. Humiliating her and bad mouthing her to another woman. He has broken marriage vows 'forsaking all others, keep myself true only to you'. It is definitely an emotional affair but it could be physical too.

[GabsAlot]

have a chat can people not read-when hes got rid of op is not just chat between two platonic friends is it

[YoniAndGuy]

Oh and hope you have screen shots of the texts to send her H - or could you contact him? He needs to know what his own sweet scumbag is up to.

It's quite likely that she might drop your H like a hot turd when it comes out with her H - be prepared for the backtracking - but absolutely get rid.

[Pimmsypimms]

Can you get screen shots op? I'd be tempted to send them to her Dh too. Bet he won't ok with it at all!

[Imissmoominmama]

That’s not innuendo- that’s outrageous. What an absolute pair of cunts.

[twinkylights]

She is also married. With children.

I don't know if it's been physical.

[Icloud54]

Your updates clarify emotional affair, no one actually would speak to friends like this.

Get the ball rolling, you will never see him in the same light again.

And if he tries telling you it was just banter you can tell him it's unacceptable and disrespectful and you're not falling for that line.

Sounds like he's checked out of the marriage to be honest.
Get your ducks in a row

[ThelmaNotLouise]

You should confront him and then kick him out. Then message her telling her she's welcome to him.

[Pechanga]

I'd be packing his bag for him right now.

Why does he think he gets to choose when he leaves?....bad mouths you to her, says he's going to run away with her, planning when and his to leave....nope sorry OP, the marriage is already over in his mind, he's checked out. Take matters into your own hands now.

Just pack his bags and get him out - even if it's only for him to realise what's at stake here.

He sounds very deceitful and manipulative, make sure you gave all your ducks in a row.

[AnImposter]

Add yourself into the chat.

Tell them there is no need to wait two years she's welcome to him now.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

And no he wont take your DD.

They have this cute little lovenest planned, a 9 year old would rather put the shits on that wouldnt it? Especially a traumatised upset 9 year old who doesnt understand what the hell is going on.

No, far easier to leave her with you and be Disney Dad. Trust me, they all say they want to keep the kids but I dont know of a single man who has ever seen that through.

[twinkylights]

Thank you everyone.
I thought it was me and I was seeing something that wasn't there.

He's said on messages to her that they are just good friends but if the conversations got out he was done for.

I can contact her OH as I know where they live. We were there last Christmas

[PyongyangKipperbang]

@AnImposter

Add yourself into the chat.

Tell them there is no need to wait two years she's welcome to him now.

I like that idea very much. Although I would be adding her husband as well.....

[YoniAndGuy]

[quote twinkylights]@YoniAndGuy

Privately rented house. I'm a SAHM, he works.

She is very much a daddies girl and would probably go to the ends of the earth for him. [/quote]
Nope. She won't.

Oh yes, they all absolutely ADORE daddy. What that actually means is that daddy - who works, and swans in for the exciting stuff but not the daily grind - is a figure not like mummy. Squeals of excitement when he is there. Loves spending time. But... take that basis of mummy, that rock of care away - and um, no. I don't actually want to be with just Daddy, who isn't the one who knows me as well. You mention not living with you and you watch her face.

Plus - you are SAHM? No, he will not want her to live with him without you there to do the shitwork!!

You rent? That's good. Can you leave, can you go to family with your daughters?

You're actually in a good position - you don't have a house to wrangle over, and you don't have a job which ties you to where you are.

If I were you, if there is anywhere you can go with your girls - parents, sibling - I would go. I would look at finding a rental there, and a job. And there will be nothing he can do, especially as one of your children isn't his. He has no rights there at all, and it will also mean that even a court will weight things more heavily to you as they will not want too much splitting of siblings.