AIBU to tell him to block her

[twinkylights]

Name changed so my other posts aren't linked.

Whilst using my DHs phone if come across a WhatsApp conversation between him and a friend of ours. (She's married also) know each other for 15 years.
12 year age gap between them (if that matters)


These messages go back to 2018 that I can see.

They are everyday from good morning to good night.
A lot of use of nicknames for each other I've never heard.
More than an acceptable amount of ambiguity and innuendo from both sides.
Kisses on all messages and laughing faces.
He's spoke about me in a derogatory way more than a few times.


And tonight the conversation about how when he gets rid of me those 2 are off into the sunset together 

Im just so shocked and devastated. I'm currently hiding upstairs watching a movie with the kids.

I can't bring myself to ask him. He always calls her his best friend and sounding board and seeing these messages makes me think there's more to it. They have so much in common and speak the same language so to speak.

AIBU to tell him it's a emotional affair and not a friendship and tell him to block her? He's never done anything like this before.

[KatieGGGG]

OP I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this.

Don’t tell him you know yet. You need to put yourself in the most powerful position you can for when it comes to divorce proceedings down the line.

That means you need to secure as much evidence as you can now. You know yourself the minute you tell him the entire conversation will vanish. You will not want to believe what you’ve read and over time he’ll do his utmost to downplay it.

You need to get a hold of his phone again and screenshot as much as you can. If your use of his phone is time limited then you need to screenshot and send yourself (and then delete the messages to yourself so he doesn’t know you have them) the most incriminating parts e.g. the seemingly concrete plans they already have of being together, “getting rid” of you, her speaking of more kids if it happens pre-2025. Sexual references will then be the second most important part. Once they’re on your phone email yourself them or put them on a cloud so even if your device breaks the evidence is saved.

Do not disclose you have this evidence to him ever, or at minimum not when you’re in his presence and he could put you in danger.

The next part is up to you, whether you what to confront him in person after you’ve made your plans to go or whether you let him know from your families’ home. It’s a bonus they’re far away.

He’s already checked out of the marriage. This isn’t a one off or a mistake this is a completely betrayal of trust. Don’t stay and wait for him to leave you get yourself in order and leave with you head up high.

[blubberyboo]

Op this is so shit but this is giving you a head start to decide and make choices about how to get out of the relationship before he has a chance to make a move

Can you get his phone and sneak out in your car with it so you have time to photograph the thread.. when he is in shower or sleeping

You might need the evidence to show solicitor or his relatives when he starts to blame you.. or even just to remind yourself what a douche he is if he tries to convince you otherwise

[NotStayingIn]

Please please please don't degrade yourself by asking him to block her.

All that will achieve is to tell him that regardless of what you now know, you are so desperate you still want him. He is going to walk all over you.

I'm so sorry but your marriage is over. If there is any way you can be strong enough to try and take some control back over how it ends, rather then leaving that all in his court, please take it. Good luck OP, I'm so sorry this is happening.

[Bluntness100]

@PyongyangKipperbang

Op, talk to him. Don’t let people get you to act like it’s a movie to entertain them

Yeah.....talk to a man who has been lying to her face for the last 4 years. Because he will tell the truth wont he? He wont lie or blame shift or gaslight at all will he?

FFS, are people really that naive?!

If I found out my husband was cheating then the first thing I’d do is call him out on it. Immediately. As would every single woman I know in real life. His reaction is irrelevant. She has the proof. It’s irrelevant if he tells the truth or not. She has the proof.

I think it’s so sad that some women will pretend it’s all ok, get into bed every night with a man they know is cheating on them, not say anything, that they have got themselves in such a vulnerable position they can’t address it. What benefit does it serve. It takes seconds to screen shot. But she doesn’t need the screen shots, divorce laws are not punitive. Either she’s in or she’s out. What he says, who he blames, what lies he tells are irrelevant.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

@Bluntness100

Then you've never been gaslighted. I have as has the OP from what she has posted. It makes you question every single thought and reaction you ever have. "Am I over reacting, he says I am, they are just friends, its just banter....." After ten years of living with someone who tells you that you over react to every single thing that they do that hurts or angers you, that makes you feel like shit, you start to wonder if its you that is the problem. I suspect that that is why the OP posted because finally she has something that he cannot paper over, but that doesnt mean he wont try.

I am genuinely happy that you have no idea what thats like, too many of us do and I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

I should say too that I did call my ex out on the first time I knew he was cheating. I regret that massively. He lied, deleted, hid the evidence and just got a damn sight better at lying to me.

One thing I wish I had was the ability to keep calm and not immediately react. It meant I spent 12 years with a lying abusive cheat instead of the 6 months (tops) it would have been if I had been more controlled in my reaction.

[Tistheseason17]

Stay calm,OP. Collect the evidence first. Collect all financial info - transfer funds so you have money Then LTB.

[Milliepossum]

OP it’s extremely important you stay quiet and get the financial information and also messages then get out of there with your daughters and tell everyone what had happened. You have done nothing wrong. The messages probably won’t get you more money but they’ll be proof you’ve been treated awfully by that asshole and your daughters won’t blame you. He has been using you for years, to do his washing, cooking and cleaning while he cheats, and during any sex is likely to be pretending you are her. You don’t mean anything to him otherwise he wouldn’t even think to do anything outside the relationship with someone else. Do it all quickly and get angry, it will get you through, you can take your time with the sad emotions later once you’ve protected your daughters and yourself.

[Bluntness100]

[quote PyongyangKipperbang]@Bluntness100

Then you've never been gaslighted. I have as has the OP from what she has posted. It makes you question every single thought and reaction you ever have. "Am I over reacting, he says I am, they are just friends, its just banter....." After ten years of living with someone who tells you that you over react to every single thing that they do that hurts or angers you, that makes you feel like shit, you start to wonder if its you that is the problem. I suspect that that is why the OP posted because finally she has something that he cannot paper over, but that doesnt mean he wont try.

I am genuinely happy that you have no idea what thats like, too many of us do and I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy.[/quote]
No, and that’s fair. I haven’t. I’ve been with my husband a long time, but I’ve always been financially independent. So if I need to walk I can. The only area I disagree with you is the op knows he’s over the side. She doesn’t need more proof. Any conversation changes nothing on the financial settlement. And that’s my point. The gaslighting or lying is irrelevant. She’s seen the messages, she knows, nothing else is required. What he says is irrelevant.

Divorce law isn’t punitive, she doesn’t need more evidence, she already knows he’s over the side and out. So she should address it with him immediately. I would. Becayse once I’d see the evidence, it would be irrelevant what my husband said, as it should be for the op.

[Milliepossum]

And don’t tell him you’re leaving until you’ve already left and are not anywhere near him, he could hurt you.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

@Bluntness100

I agree that proof is there, but when you have lived the Gaslighting life for so long it takes a lot longer to come to the point of "This is it,this is all I need". You question yourself so much. Maybe its you. Maybe you are misreading things. Maybe you are not misreading but its your fault.....

[CandyLeBonBon]

But that's the point bluntness. Decades of gaslighting erodes your confidence. In an ideal world, that's what she would do. But not everyone is a fortunate as you, so empathy rather than frustration at their perceived lack of immediate and decisive action, is probably more important right now.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

@Bluntness100

I would add that even now, after escaping and finally coming to peace with myself, I struggle with what my ex says to me. I do question it over and over. Thankfully I have a great support network who read his messages and "interpret" them (for want of a better word) so I can talk myself down and not get in a state as I used to.

[EveryDayIsADuvetDay]

As the chat history is lengthy, details to export rather than screenshot here:
faq.whatsapp.com/android/chats/how-to-save-your-chat-history/?lang=en

might be worth screen shotting a few key ones: I've not used the download function, it may be in a format that could be amended.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

And if whatever he says is irrelevant, why talk at all? Why not just leave?

[CoffeeCreamandSugar]

I’m sorry OP but I don’t think this is going to get better. You can wait around until he leaves you, or you can leave. I would leave. In my opinion that’s gone further than an emotional affair.

[StardewMelons]

I really like a very early suggestion, but I will add my piece to it. While you do seem calm and composed... Perhaps Pull him to one side one evening and ask for a serious talk. The "I need to talk" line. Tell him how you are not attracted to him physically, and havent been for a long while, and in all other ways you are no longer happy .. (I would SS the chat with the OW beforehand).... Men like this will most likely beg, if not at first, but eventually... Then you can show the OW of a few years thats shes wasted all her time too, and show her DH whats been going on.... Anyhow, easier said than done I know! Hope your ok Op

[Backtoblack1]

Yes, you can export and email the whole chat to yourself

[UniversalAunt]

‘Gather financial info. Who earns what? Savings? Pensions? Get all the info. If savings are in a joint account, immediately move half to your own account.

See a solicitor - in fact, see a couple for one appointment. It means he can't use them. Get the best rottweiler you can. And start divorce proceedings.

This.

Take copies of the screenshots with you to the meeting with solicitor. The ‘betrayal’ & undue influence of a third party are grounds for divorce - others more learned in family law can expand in this - & you need this advice way up front so that you can decide what is best for you & your DC.

Possibly if DH gets a reality check when you discuss divorce, that he really is tearing up his marriage then he may see things more clearly. Whether you’d still want him & all the hard work required to patch things up is another matter entirely for you to decide.

[UniversalAunt]

WhatsApp does export well.
Ends up as a long thread of chat to & fro clearly labelled with who said what & when.

Do a few test runs in your own account.
Once sussed, it is easy.

Useful format to show the solicitor etc.

[Frankinmachine]

I second the advice of looking through his phone for further proof of affair too. So emails, deleted emails, photos, deleted photos, other apps. My XH had WhatsApp chats with his OW under a fake male name.

Years later I am pleased I found all this evidence as he gaslit me for so long saying I was paranoid, and it made it easier for me to move on.

[nancy75]

[quote twinkylights]@Lollypop701

I'm fine with him having female friends.

But telling them what he would do to them and their body.
Blatantly admitting he couldn't take his eye off her.
Telling her when they live together there might need to be a no clothes rule. [/quote]
I was going to say that men & women can be friends without it being an affair but if this is the type of thing he’s saying then it’s not just a friendship.

My best friend of over 30 years is a man, we have never once exchanged messages like that.

[Frankinmachine]

I took photos of some of the most incriminating messages. But my Solicitor didn't need to look at them, probably because I divorced him for unreasonable behaviour and not adultery.

[Mally2020]

He's stringing you along, it seems they think they are stuck in obligatory relationships and from what you've said it seems he's massively in denial and not aware about just how bad their convo's are and the fact it is a blatant emotional affair.

[Chel098]

@georgemichaelfan

If I were you I wouldn't let on that you'd seen the messages. Instead I would tell him you want to talk to him and tell him you just don't find him attractive any more and want a divorce.

I’d be interested to see an update on this.