AIBU to tell him to block her

[twinkylights]

Name changed so my other posts aren't linked.

Whilst using my DHs phone if come across a WhatsApp conversation between him and a friend of ours. (She's married also) know each other for 15 years.
12 year age gap between them (if that matters)


These messages go back to 2018 that I can see.

They are everyday from good morning to good night.
A lot of use of nicknames for each other I've never heard.
More than an acceptable amount of ambiguity and innuendo from both sides.
Kisses on all messages and laughing faces.
He's spoke about me in a derogatory way more than a few times.


And tonight the conversation about how when he gets rid of me those 2 are off into the sunset together 

Im just so shocked and devastated. I'm currently hiding upstairs watching a movie with the kids.

I can't bring myself to ask him. He always calls her his best friend and sounding board and seeing these messages makes me think there's more to it. They have so much in common and speak the same language so to speak.

AIBU to tell him it's a emotional affair and not a friendship and tell him to block her? He's never done anything like this before.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

From the way you are talking, I suspect he has been gaslighting you for years.

The way he is behaving, the things he is saying to her, the way he is treating you is so appalling and so BLATANT and yet you are questioning whether you are over reacting.

I smell emotional abuse here.....

[trackerc]

Sounds like you're just trying to get your head around. It's all fresh so don't rush into anything. Don't show your cards, confront or become emotional that raises suspicion. You have lots of information/knowledge but you already sound like you're fearful he'll turn things around. That isn't possible with concrete facts & images. They will be useful to remind yourself of when you question yourself (it'll happen), they can assure others who are close to you that his behaviour is unacceptable.
The next 24hrs need to be focused on getting screenshots, photos & documents. You'll be feeling jittery & distracted so you I suggest you say you're not feeling well & keep out of the way, don't give yourself away. Try to get him to take kids out to give you time to nap - scour everything. Photos on all bank details, pensions, debts, rental agreements, income, child benefits, note of all dates they've met up - set up an email address to send it all to. If you can involve someone from real life ask to email to them too.
You've seen enough to know he's deceitful, disrespectful to your relationship & needs to be released from all that involves. Wonder how all that superdad superficial parachuting goes with working too.
Keep posting & getting good advice. We care how you & your kids go & whilst you're deep in this shit, many of us have emerged from it so can offer you our experience. Take care & keep your powder dry x

[twinkylights]

@trackerc
Thank you 😊

[twinkylights]

@PyongyangKipperbang @YoniAndGuy

You are most likely right.
He seems to have been laughing at me for years and it was only by accident that I found out

[Backtoblack1]

I’m so sorry. You are much calmer than me - i would have lost my shit by now. Gather as much evidence as possible and make sure you have enough money to leave or kick him out. He’s probably filling her head with total shit. He may go
Into panic mode when confronted and realise what he could lose. If he really wanted to be with her he wouldn’t be giving the excuse that he’s waiting for your daughter to be older. X

[Newwayofthinking]

Keep your powder dry as they say and screen shot everything

Then go and see a solicitor and divorce him

I would also send all screen shots to OW DH, after you have your ducks in a row.

[donewithitalltodayandxmas]

You must get screenshots so you have proof but several messages are overstepping the mark and make sure you have evidence of them

[PyongyangKipperbang]

I wouldnt say he has been laughing at you for years, but rather using you and not caring about you.

He has left you questioning which was is up and thinking he is so clever by destabilising you and so you never question what he says, its classic abuser behaviour.

So bearing that in mind, you need to keep your powder dry for the moment if you can (as someone who flys off the handle the second I find out something, I appreciate that this can be hard!) so I agree that saying you are not feeling well. If he senses you are behaving differently then that explains it, if you suffer migraine that can be a good one as it means you can just not speak and hide away.

Make your plans but please PLEASE speak to people in RL. Your family, friends you can trust. You can do this alone, but you dont need to and it will be easier when you have the support of people who love you.

Dont give what he says about you another thought. Its just another weapon they use to justify their shitty behaviour.

Read this, its the script that ALL cheaters follow and he is following it to the letter....

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

[EveryDayIsADuvetDay]

I'd prioritise getting evidence of everything financial, then the WhatsApp when you can next access his phone, and legal advice ASAP.
If he doesn't know that you know, I don't see why he'd delete the messages if there's currently two years worth.
Adding yourself & her partner to the WhatsApp Group may give you satisfaction, but I'm not sure how it really helps; better to get all the evidence and legal advice you can while he is still in the dark. (and no, you don't get access to messages from before you were in the WhatsApp group.)

If your family can assist, I would go there with both your daughters once you've collated copies of all the financial info you need.

Good luck with getting it all sorted.

[XelaM]

Having been the OW once, those type of messages sound very familiar. The guy I was seeing (a colleague) would also constantly message me with innuendos and heart-to-heart messages as well as messages about how mean his wife was to him etc etc. Was all false, but we did have a physical affair - not just an emotional one. He never actually intended to leave his wife though (who was actually very nice)

[twinkylights]

@XelaM
She said to him that he was a very close friend and of course she loved him. He put right back at you.
And then a few days later was going on about doing unmentionable things to her nether regions

[VintageDressmaker]

For gods sake don’t ask him to choose. He has already chosen - to continue the relationship and make plans.

Ditch him

[VintageDressmaker]

Agree with pp to get your ducks in a row (papers/ financial info/ etc) and make the most of the time when he doesn’t know that you know.

Then kick him out and divorce

[Pechanga]

unmentionable things to her nether regions

They aren't just friends.

[twinkylights]

@Pechanga he told her he could make her blush

He is obviously a very different person to the one I thought I knew because he's never been like that with me

[ScrapThatThen]

Take time to get your head around it. Don't concern yourself with their relationship, only with making sure her husband is made aware and deciding what you want to do. He has disrespected you to flatter someone else. And if /when you separate I would be factual with your children about your reasons (don't let them find out from someone else).

[shivermetimbers77]

What a shithead, I’m sorry OP. Definitely make sure you screenshot that conversation and don’t let on that you know until you have all the evidence and have figured out what you want to do next.

[Bluntness100]

I’m sorry op, this is a full blown affair and he is only ther for the kids. I think uou need to talk to him now you know.

I’m surprised at your questions, about if you should ask him to block her and is it an emotional affair. It’s clearly a full blown love affair and they are planning to be together

You need to talk to him when the kids are in bed.

[Bluntness100]

@shivermetimbers77

What a shithead, I’m sorry OP. Definitely make sure you screenshot that conversation and don’t let on that you know until you have all the evidence and have figured out what you want to do next.

Do peoooe live like this in real,life? Pretend they are Jane bond?

Op, talk to him. Don’t let people get you to act like it’s a movie to entertain them

[BlueThistles]

Show her husband the messages and see if he thinks its all jolly old chit chat the ?

[Cymbidium69]

Sorry for what you are going through Op .
You don't need to screenshot everything, there's an option to export the whole conversation when you are in his WhatsApp chat, press the 3 dots on the top right hand corner, then press more and then press export chat, it gives you the option to send the whole chat to your own email, with or without images and it takes 1 minute. Will save you lots of time.xx

[OhHiya]

Oooft, this is awful. Sorry OP but he’s taking you for an absolute mug. And as for the ‘friend’

There’d be no coming back from this for me... he’s utterly betrayed you.

[GarlicSoup]

Your husband is talking about ‘when he gets rid of you’ that’s shocking and a complete betrayal. Make sure you have copies of everything as proof. Hope you have RL support.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Op, talk to him. Don’t let people get you to act like it’s a movie to entertain them

Yeah.....talk to a man who has been lying to her face for the last 4 years. Because he will tell the truth wont he? He wont lie or blame shift or gaslight at all will he?

FFS, are people really that naive?!

[D4rwin]

Please get screen shots of all of it. It's painful but if he's already gaslighting and creating a false view of you with others you might want / need them going forward.
Make swift plans to leave, gather paperwork and treasured memories of your girls 'firsts . You're a sahm you're not tied by a job or hopefully exams for the DD's now. Distance from him and the other woman will be useful as it sounds like he is already being nasty.