AIBU to tell him to block her

[twinkylights]

Name changed so my other posts aren't linked.

Whilst using my DHs phone if come across a WhatsApp conversation between him and a friend of ours. (She's married also) know each other for 15 years.
12 year age gap between them (if that matters)


These messages go back to 2018 that I can see.

They are everyday from good morning to good night.
A lot of use of nicknames for each other I've never heard.
More than an acceptable amount of ambiguity and innuendo from both sides.
Kisses on all messages and laughing faces.
He's spoke about me in a derogatory way more than a few times.


And tonight the conversation about how when he gets rid of me those 2 are off into the sunset together 

Im just so shocked and devastated. I'm currently hiding upstairs watching a movie with the kids.

I can't bring myself to ask him. He always calls her his best friend and sounding board and seeing these messages makes me think there's more to it. They have so much in common and speak the same language so to speak.

AIBU to tell him it's a emotional affair and not a friendship and tell him to block her? He's never done anything like this before.

[AliBear90]

I would get all evidence OP screen shot it all. Confront him and her. Tell her DH if you feel like he’d believe you. They deserve each other and you don’t deserve any of this!

[twinkylights]

I have a few friends I could go too.
No parents or other family nearby.
We moved across the country for him away from hometown

[Imissmoominmama]

If you add her husband to the chat, he won’t be able to see what’s been written before he joined.

If you get the opportunity to take photos of the chat, I would though- especially if he’s already been telling people you’re not rational. There’s a chance you could just come out of it looking paranoid and jealous, without proof. You and your husband wouldn’t survive it, but her and her family would.

[Cherrysoup]

God, how horrible. What are you going to do? I’d be so tempted to create a group with him, her and her poor dh and forward all the icky messages.

[twinkylights]

@Cherrysoup

I haven't got his phone now but if I can I'm going to try and get photos of it on my phone.

[AnImposter]

@Indecisive12

If you add someone to the group they only see from that point though not historical stuff so there’s no point other than to say I’m aware of this. What a nasty bastard telling people you’re nuts.

Well that's my plan scuppered then! I could've sworn you can see the history but you are most likely right thinking about it x

[Pechanga]

Married men having affairs say all sorts of things about their wives:

She's crazy / unstable etc.
She doesn't understand me / love me / make any effort anymore
We've drifted apart, aren't intimate anymore
We are more like brother and sister
(She'll be falling for these lies hook line and sinker!)

Any of your decent and genuine friends will not pay any heed to him, he's cheating and trying to justify himself.

How does the OW respond to these messages? Does she also complain about her DH, talk of leaving? Dues she also say she'll be 'done for' if her DH sees the messages etc?

[Pechanga]

I think you'll find next time you get your hands on his phone all those messages have been deleted OP.

[twinkylights]

@Pechanga

She complains about him but not as much.
She does goad him in ambiguous statements.

Example she said if it happens before 2025 she would definitely have more kids. He just put 😂😂😂
He also adds little comments like ooo no comment * (nickname)

[Sstarlight]

I would absolutely take photos of all of their messages, print them and send them to her husband.

In the meantime I'd start transferring £ to your own account and make copies of any financial documents you can.

[twinkylights]

@Pechanga
He asks how she's doing around 5ish everyday so I'm going to see if I can be nearby when/if she answers.

[BonnieDundee]

If it were me I'd screenshot everything and send to her DH and make sure you are with him at the time and he cant get away. And watch the fucker squirm.

Its probably bad advice but I'd be so tempted

[blablablaa]

Personally I see no point in analysing and speculating whats going on. The trust and respect is gone so regardless the details, get your ducks in a row. Screenshot everything and look for more evidence on bank statements, other social media accounts etc. When you have what you need tell him you want a divorce and kick him out. You deserve better. Dont give him the satisfaction of seeing you hurt or a chance to make excuses. It will just be lies that leave you more confused. Whether you mention knowledge of the affair or not, remain ice-cold as if you dont care the slightest because you know your worth. It may not feel like it but pretend! Once you're done with him you can decide if you want to tell her DH or not. It wouldn't surprise me though if she decides to stay with her DH and the allure of your DH dies off once he is dumped and kicked out

[twinkylights]

@BonnieDundee
Would probably be easier if we were all in tier 4 lockdown.

[MadeForThis]

Prepare to leave. You don't have to tell him you know until you are ready.

Make sure you can survive financially until cms is sorted. Get copies of all paperwork etc.

He has no respect for you, not just in how he has had an affair with her, also in how he speaks to his friends. He's a nasty bastard. Prepare for him to fight dirty.

Get evidence of everything you can.

[Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel]

Sorry OP. This is an affair and he's planning to go off with her from all accounts.

[samb80]

ANBU

[samb80]

*UANBU

[CandyLeBonBon]

[quote twinkylights]@Pechanga
He asks how she's doing around 5ish everyday so I'm going to see if I can be nearby when/if she answers. [/quote]
Are you in a different timezone?

[spidermomma]

You really need to get screen shots of these on your phone because when it all comes out it'll show you're not "nuts" like he's tried to show other people

You stay strong for your little girls and how you've not blew it already at him is amazing. He's such a horrid dirty cheat to do that to you and she's just as bad considering your all friends and she is also married.

Don't go in guns blazing. Get your evidence and get a plan together so you have the upper hand and YOU come out on top

❤️❤️

[Lollyneenah]

What a fucking bastard. He's cheating and trying to steal your dd? Absolute fucking arseholes.

[Backtoblack1]

This is an affair - he sounds smitten with her. I’m sorry. What are you going to do? X

[twinkylights]

@Backtoblack1
A few months back they had a bit of an argument.
She was definitely over reacting but he apologised and said he should make more of an effort and if he's ever made her feel bad or ever does to tell him so he can sort it ASAP

He barely speaks to me

[Regularsizedrudy]

If it were me I would gather all the evidence just in case but I don’t think I would confront him with it, it would be all to easy for him to spin it into you being controlling or not letting him have friends etc. I would tel him you want a divorce. Oh and I wouldn’t put any weight on his comments about wanting the kids, he’s only saying that to her so a) he has a reason why he apparently can’t leave you for her and b) he gets to look like the devoted dad.

[YoniAndGuy]

Go to your family.

It doesn't matter if they're nearby. It's good that they're far away.

But - I can tell you are not going to. You are going to stay, and hover nearby when they have their 5pm check in. What for, exactly? To rub in exactly how much you're being treated like shit?

You moved across country for a person who is using you until he can dump you safely, and leave you alone there.

Go to your family, take your girls with you and find your self respect. Oh and yes, all messages will now be deleted from his phone, so that he can jeer at you, call you nuts to your 'friends' so that you end up even more isolated in the place he dragged you to.

Leave leave leave.