AIBU to tell him to block her

[twinkylights]

Name changed so my other posts aren't linked.

Whilst using my DHs phone if come across a WhatsApp conversation between him and a friend of ours. (She's married also) know each other for 15 years.
12 year age gap between them (if that matters)


These messages go back to 2018 that I can see.

They are everyday from good morning to good night.
A lot of use of nicknames for each other I've never heard.
More than an acceptable amount of ambiguity and innuendo from both sides.
Kisses on all messages and laughing faces.
He's spoke about me in a derogatory way more than a few times.


And tonight the conversation about how when he gets rid of me those 2 are off into the sunset together 

Im just so shocked and devastated. I'm currently hiding upstairs watching a movie with the kids.

I can't bring myself to ask him. He always calls her his best friend and sounding board and seeing these messages makes me think there's more to it. They have so much in common and speak the same language so to speak.

AIBU to tell him it's a emotional affair and not a friendship and tell him to block her? He's never done anything like this before.

[Imissmoominmama]

I’m so sorry this is happening to you

[Indecisive12]

Screenshot. Send them to her DH. Get rid of him. Bastard.
I’m so sorry

[YoniAndGuy]

Yes, send her DH the messages.

[YoniAndGuy]

They probably will have been physical at some point, but it honestly doesn't matter. You need to get away from this absolute wanker.

[twinkylights]

My concern with sending them is that he will turn it around and make it sound like I'm crazy.
He's told a few of out friends circle that I'm nuts

[MRC20]

He's told her things about him and the things he wants in life that I didn't know about.

That's the kicker right here. He doesn't see a future with you and is preparing to leave. Get in there first and get your ducks in a row. I'm really sorry but it sounds like this relationship is over.

[AnImposter]

@twinkylights

My concern with sending them is that he will turn it around and make it sound like I'm crazy.
He's told a few of out friends circle that I'm nuts

Add yourself, and her husband, into the chat.
You will have all the messages to keep so he can't gaslight you, and he can see this all for himself too x

[TwentyViginti]

@AnImposter

Add yourself into the chat.

Tell them there is no need to wait two years she's welcome to him now.

Love that idea!

Right OP. You have full warning of his intentions. Get legal advice ASAP. This is more than an EA. Cunts, the pair of them.

[PicsInRed]

He's cheating, she's the OW, yes they've had sex.

This is divorce material. I would copy it all so you can include with an unreasonable behaviour divorce petition (rather than waiting 2 years by agreement or 5 (!) if he objects).

Does he have a business, investments, pension, employer share entitlements, bonuses etc? Might be wise to copy anything to hand, transfer half the savings and get anything you need/love safely out of the house before letting him know, that you know. Don't move out - he'll move her into the family home and then claim you are now already "housed".

They've been ahead of you so far. Now you're ahead of them - keep it that way. Be clever now, you'll have plenty of time to grieve later.

[combatbarbie]

I'd be adding myself and her husband to the conversation so he can see what's been going on. It def sounds like an affair from what you have said.

[MRC20]

He's told a few of out friends circle that I'm nuts.

He's preparing so he doesn't seem like the bad guy. Especially if he thinks he'll get custody of your DD2.

[twinkylights]

@MRC20
It's things he's never said to me.
He's also sent photos of stuff he's done with the kids, projects he's done and stuff like that. Asking for opinion

[ThelmaNotLouise]

@twinkylights

My concern with sending them is that he will turn it around and make it sound like I'm crazy.
He's told a few of out friends circle that I'm nuts

But the texts will speak for themselves, in plain black and white. They can't be misconstrued.

[BillyIsMyBunny]

With all the information you have given I wouldn’t be telling him to block her, I would be making plans to leave ASAP. It sounds like he has checked out of your marriage and is busy fantasising about a new life with this woman - you deserve more than a man who is counting down the time until he can leave. I definitely wouldn’t waste the next 2 years with him wondering whether he is going to stay or leave.

[YoniAndGuy]

Err, they're texts he wrote.

If you have screenshots of the sexaul texts then yes you send them to her DH and just simply say, I thought you should know. And I'm leaving him.

So he's told your friends that you are nuts? How original! And, these friends, are they looking excitedly shocked and agreeing with him? If so, they're not your friends. Or are they contacting you and asking what the hell is happening? If so, tell them. Send them the texts, where he talks of walking round naked with your friend, taking your daughter away from you. And then see whether they think you're 'nuts'.

But seriously - a rented house, a piece of shit man threatening to take your child - I'd simply pack and leave, if you have ANYWHERE trusted that you and the girls could stay for a while.

[twinkylights]

@PicsInRed
She owns her house so she wouldn't be moving here.

[LolaSmiles]

I'm usually right there defending opposite sex friendships but this is in no way an opposite sex friendship.

It's an emotional affair that has probably been physical at some point, or he is kidding himself that it isn't really an affair because nothing has happened.

Friendly inuendo I could probably brush off, but explicitly talking about needing a clothes on rule for when they live together and what they'd do to each other isn't friendly innuendo. They're openly planning a future together and bringing the children into it. It's disgusting.

Agree with other posters to explore your options on leaving this relationship. He can fend for himself, and it will be interesting to see if his 'friend' is so willing to leave her marriage for him once he's single, or whether it was a silly, dangerous fantasy for her and she stays home with her husband and family.

[Indecisive12]

If you add someone to the group they only see from that point though not historical stuff so there’s no point other than to say I’m aware of this. What a nasty bastard telling people you’re nuts.

[GabsAlot]

take pictures he cant talk his way out of it

[YoniAndGuy]

Oh and no, he won't get custody of your DD. Not when you are SAHM, and he's not even her sister's father.

He'll get every other weekend. And not even that for a while, while you sort all this out.

[twinkylights]

@YoniAndGuy
Friends have mentioned it and sideeyed at comments he's made but that's as far as it's gone

[TwentyViginti]

@twinkylights

My concern with sending them is that he will turn it around and make it sound like I'm crazy.
He's told a few of out friends circle that I'm nuts

Cheating men say this as an 'excuse' for cheating.

You didn't write those messages yourself. THEY wrote them.

[derelictwreck]

Op this doesn't sound like an emotional affair it sounds like they've been in a full blow relationship affair for years and are planning to leave and be together. So sorry

[YoniAndGuy]

They don't matter though! This is YOUR LIFE!

You only get one.

He's a nasty cheat who wants to stitch you up - you're talking of asking him to block her? Really?

Can you go anywhere, with your children, is the real question. Because if you want to be happy, and solvent, and a good mum, the thing you need to do now, hard as it is, is dump him. And fuck stupid friends who you probably won't even know in 5 years' time, and fuck living in a house you don't own and have no interest in. Get out!!!

[twinkylights]

@derelictwreck
It started out innocently and we were in the same friend group. He would say that they sedated occasionally about their joint interests. Nothing else.
From what I can see it progressed from that to him even messaging good morning and good night to her every day and then after her reply it was just another message to her saying "xxx"