Huge row with DH over my parenting. AIBU?

[BigBobs]

18 mo has breakfast with DH before he goes to work, then we play/read books together for about an hour and a half, I'll then do a home workout in the living room whilst he plays with his toys alone in the same room. He usually comes over and jumps and down and tries to copy Joe Wicks with me too Anyway once I've had my workout, I put CBeebies or something on for toddler and go for a shower. I'll leave him watching TV, go for a quick shower, pop down check he's ok, go back up and dry hair, go and check then go and tidy upstairs. He's always just sat enjoying his 15 mins of tv on the sofa. All doors open so I can hear him/stair gates shut. Then I come downstairs, we put some music on and play, dance, sing whilst doing the boring laundry bits etc before having lunch then toddler has a nap and I'll watch a bit of TV, we'll go for a long walk once he's up then come home and do dinner. We do this everyday, and it works for us. I really struggled with being at home so much and felt really isolated, but this works.

Anyway DH popped home unexpectedly today whilst I was in the shower. I heard the door go so dashed out the shower and downstairs. He saw me coming down in a towel and DS sat on sofa watching CBeebies and dramatically grabbed our son and said how dangerous this way, and what on earth was I thinking leaving him unattended. I said I come down every 5 mins and can hear everything, hence how I heard him come home, but he was just shaking his head at me and saying I should know better.

It turned into a bit of an argument, and he then started sniping about how I need to give toddler more quality time, I shouldn't spend the time he's awake doing chores and exercising just so I can watch TV during his nap. I disagree, I don't get much me time to just chill out and I don't see why half an hour of him playing/jumping around whilst I exercise is bad for him, I don't see how following me round whilst I do chores, get him to help 'tidy up' and 'load the washing', we count things whilst we do it, we have music playing and little dance parties. Not to mention before any of this we have an hour and a half of no phones, music, TV, just one on one play time and reading.

Kind of two separate points here,
AIBU to not bring toddler into bathroom whilst I shower?
AIBU to do household things/exercise whilst he's awake so that I can have one hour of TV or mumsnet when he naps?

We'd just gotten into a good routine that works for us both, and I felt so much better mentally for getting active, keeping the house clean and still getting a little bit of me time and now I'm just frustrated that the routine I've found myself best in is inadequate parenting.

I think you’re best placed to judge the risks of your set up re the shower. Personally I bring my toddler into the bathroom with me. She has some toys in there. Quite often means I can have quite a long pleasant shower! (Unless she starts heading for the toilet brush😁).

And your husband needs to spend some full days alone with your toddler, and let’s see how much “quality time” he manages to deliver!

Hope you manage to have a good discussion about it all.

Wow I think you are getting a really hard time OP. . The shower thing is a bit of a risk but I think it really depends on the child. Some kids will just sit an stare at the tv transfixed, others you couldn’t trust to sit still even for 5 mins. Everything else you do sounds absolutely grand! Your DH is being an arsehole in my opinion x

Have come back to this thread as so incensed at what a dick your DH is being.

He is NOT your line manager! That’s what he seems to think he is. That because he’s earning the money, he’s somehow the boss of you - you’re his employee who needs to do things the way he says. You are a team of equals, OP, and he does not get to set expectations for you.

Glad you’ve taken into account the safety advice. Playpen is a good idea - I used an old travel cot as a playpen sometimes. My friend had twins and managed to fence off half of a room as a playpen!

Few things, 15/20 mins of tv is not too much and whoever said that is a martyr. We all need a break and as long as you are doing other activities with your child they will be more well rounded for a bit of relaxed tv time than the children who are banned from doing these sorts of things. As with everything in life I think that moderation is the key.
Your routine sounds good to me, getting out everyday for some fresh air, exercise, doing reading, dancing and chores with baby is good and it’s important to get them to learn how to play by themself for a while each day so I don’t think there is any problem with you exercising whilst they play.
I wouldn’t have a shower on a different level to the child at that age though personally. In our old house I would kept the children upstairs with me whilst I had a bath in the morning and they could play and I could hear everything they were doing. Now in our new house I have a downstairs bathroom and an upstairs shower room but whichever I chose I would still be on the same level as them. Mine are 4 and 2.5 and will happily play with each other or watch some tv whilst I shower. I think those people that wait to shower when their child is asleep are a little nutty, talk about revolving your entire life around the children but still that’s a personal choice. I think it’s fine to shower but could you not bring him upstairs and have a few toys set out in the shower room or bedroom and leave the door open?

I think there is more to this than just a blowup over supervision.
Your DH has fallen in "love" with a particular person who he imagines is X. You, changed by motherhood, are a new person. In the course of becoming this new person things have been hard for you. But you have got through the worst through embracing the positive side of life with your toddler.
Now he is utterly confused with the new you and cannot see that of course with your toddler you are inevitably changed.
There is hope for your life together if HE can value that you have changed, and realise he didn't just love you for the showhome and the way you dressed and worked out, he loved you for your energy and positivity that is

Now manifesting itself in new and unexpected ways.

He is stuck, you have moved forward.

The one day a week childcare is costing me 80% of that days wages so I'm barely breaking even and would up my hours again if it was financially viable

Why is it costing you personally that amount? Your DH is contributing half the childcare costs himself surely?

I like the sound of your routine. I'm old, so I used to pop LO into his playpen if I needed to quickly shower.

If I showered when dc were awake at that age theyd be put in their cot with books and toys. For the most part though I'd shower before they wake or during their nap.

I couldn't care less about how much tv your little one watches - that's none of my business. But I believe that leaving an 18mo unsupervised roaming free and you not be able to hear them (running water over your head/ hairdryer) is irresponsible and id be unhappy with my dh if he did this.

@JustLikeStitch

There are some absolute nut cases on this threat! I can just picture them, purple with rage bashing their keyboards trying to coherently string together a paragraph that will give the OP the beating she deserves, and even when OP says she’ll take advice they’re still not satisfied. They need to keep going because otherwise, how will they prove what brilliantly capable super parents they are? How will anyone know to bow at their feet and worship them?

Absolutely spot on. These parents on here who think its neglect or morally wrong need to check themselves, and calm down before they're blood pressure rises. You bunch of Karen's.

Save the big I AM for genuinely neglectful or terrible parents.

I think your day and routine sounds lovely and you sound like a great Mum. The only thing I wouldn’t do is leave 18 month old downstairs. In your situation I would still have your shower and dry your hair but wouldn’t bring DS upstairs while I did so you could be in the same room - maybe programme on a bedroom tv (if you have one) or tablet for DS to watch

@Parkperson

Teachers found many children had regressed so much during the first lockdown because of the amount of screen time that took the place of parenting. Unavoidable for many parents who suddenly had to work from home. Not such a problem for SAHPs

Except that the SAHPs have found themselves not just with a baby to entertain but also older kids to teach. So yes, I'm obviously in a better position than a WFH parent but let's not pretend this has been easy for SAHPs either. I'm sure I Should relish teaching a reluctant child phonics whilst doing 2-3 hourly feeds of twins but it was bloody shit and CBeebies has kept us safe and sane

*would take DS upstairs with me

SAHM of 3 here (2yrs, 3yrs and 5yrs)

I think exercising and doing housework with your 18mth old around is fine, mine watch tv and entertain themselves whilst i do housework but i do think your DH has a point about the shower, my dp works away a lot so i either shower before the kids are up, after they are in bed or i put the younger 2 in their bedroom which is a safe room next to the bathroom so i can hear them, 5yr old is fine downstairs alone for 10mins but tends to sit on the toilet and chat to me. Until they turned 2 they came into the bathroom with me.

@Viviennemary

No. A toddler of 18 months should not be left alone. It's neglect.

Leaving them unattended for 5 movies whilst you're in another room is not neglect. Did you never go to the loo when you had young children or did you honestly cart then upstairs to watch you poo?

You don't need to get his permission to behave any way you choose, any more than you cleaned the house or worked out to please HIM.
You are a team and it is about finding ways to value each other that are worth valuing and respecting, not hauling each other over the coals for not fulfilling some imagined "persona". It isn't about roles so much as a misunderstanding what matters to the other.

You sound like a lovely mum, involved, energetic and focused on keeping a happy, clean, safe environment for your family.

At 18 months I was leaving my toddler in his bedroom for 5 mins whilst I grabbed a shower - it’s right next to the bathroom, has a stair gate and I can literally hear and see him (if I pop my head round the bath screen)... is there a chance you could do that?
Can you put a gate on his room? Then you just take him up with you and pop him in his room with a couple of toys.

I do home work outs with my babies and then just run / crawl around with me and have a ball pretending to copy and dance along.

Nothing wrong with some cbeebies either - we never have mindless cartoons on but mr Tumble and the counting songs etc. They pick up lots of words and signs from it. Please don’t let people make you feel shit bc you use a screen to take 15 mins for yourself in a day to have a wash - it’s Mr Tumble not hardcore snuff porn.

I suspect if your DH were the full time parent he’d understand that you do the best you can with what you’ve got to get through the days. But he’s not a full time parent is he - he goes to work. Gets some peace on the commute, has a coffee when he fancies it, takes a piss in peace, doesn’t have someone alternating between screaming in your face and grabbing your hair for 8 hours straight.

I probably would back down and say ok ive considered it and I won’t leave him going forward but anything else you’ve said sounds 100% normal. Sorry you’ve been made to feel so shit

It isn't actually possible for me to bring my dc into the shower or loo with me. Toilet is in a tiny room with just the loo, would struggle to close the door with two people in there! Shower is the same situation. So I use baby cam and used playpen up until this Christmas (dc now 2.5)

But with camera could always see what he was doing and only had one or two times I had to jump out the shower mid wash (generally cause hed thrown his bottle out of reach )

@TatianaBis

The one day a week childcare is costing me 80% of that days wages so I'm barely breaking even and would up my hours again if it was financially viable

Why is it costing you personally that amount? Your DH is contributing half the childcare costs himself surely?

As he pays for the mortgage bills and food, I pay for childcare was the agreement. I just don't earn enough to benefit much from it frustratingly.

Housework, exercising etc all good & you're spending a lot more 1:1 time with DS than most parents do/can.

(Exercise for YOURSELF - not to keep your body how DH likes it)

I think you're right to have taken on board changing your shower routine. In some ways the predictable toddlers are the worst, because they can just be unpredictable out of the blue. I don't think you've been neglectful though, just a little Innocent about the sudden impulsivity of a tame toddler!!!

I think, especially after reading your subsequent posts, that your DH is a massive twat (sorry). He seems to want a show wife, show home & to act like parent if the bloody year, when all he does to contribute is make toast.

I'm sure this will make you feel defensive, but I genuinely think you need to really consider if this is a relationship you want to be in. BEFORE you are so ground down by him, you can't even see what's wrong with it.

Ps: no matter what DO NOT give up your job!!

What?

Firstly; SAHP still have to do things. Just because they aren't working, don't make out like they are just sat there all day.

Also there are many reasons why (some ) children struggled in returning to school and far more than internet use.

I'm with the majority here re YABU leaving him unattended for shower, however, you mention cbeebies, if you have an ipad or other tablet, you can set up cbeebies on there for him all where you can keep an eye out

The truth is one person cannot be somewhere every second, minute or even every 15mins. of the day. A child cannot be monitored all the time.

You don’t have to take your kid in the shower with you but I wouldn’t leave them unattended downstairs at any time. Apart from that you’re not doing anything unreasonable at all. The idea that you shouldn’t do anything else apart from have eyes on your kid all day every day is ridiculous. Apart from that you’ve found something that works for you so carry on

Shower point taken on board. The rest of your morning routine sounds fine. Do you get outside for some fresh air in the afternoon?

I hope you have a constructive conversation with your DH. It's not okay for him to be so harshly critical.

Can you not do your work Out in the morning and take your shower and out your toddler in the shower with you with some of his toys ? This is what I do