Huge row with DH over my parenting. AIBU?

[BigBobs]

18 mo has breakfast with DH before he goes to work, then we play/read books together for about an hour and a half, I'll then do a home workout in the living room whilst he plays with his toys alone in the same room. He usually comes over and jumps and down and tries to copy Joe Wicks with me too Anyway once I've had my workout, I put CBeebies or something on for toddler and go for a shower. I'll leave him watching TV, go for a quick shower, pop down check he's ok, go back up and dry hair, go and check then go and tidy upstairs. He's always just sat enjoying his 15 mins of tv on the sofa. All doors open so I can hear him/stair gates shut. Then I come downstairs, we put some music on and play, dance, sing whilst doing the boring laundry bits etc before having lunch then toddler has a nap and I'll watch a bit of TV, we'll go for a long walk once he's up then come home and do dinner. We do this everyday, and it works for us. I really struggled with being at home so much and felt really isolated, but this works.

Anyway DH popped home unexpectedly today whilst I was in the shower. I heard the door go so dashed out the shower and downstairs. He saw me coming down in a towel and DS sat on sofa watching CBeebies and dramatically grabbed our son and said how dangerous this way, and what on earth was I thinking leaving him unattended. I said I come down every 5 mins and can hear everything, hence how I heard him come home, but he was just shaking his head at me and saying I should know better.

It turned into a bit of an argument, and he then started sniping about how I need to give toddler more quality time, I shouldn't spend the time he's awake doing chores and exercising just so I can watch TV during his nap. I disagree, I don't get much me time to just chill out and I don't see why half an hour of him playing/jumping around whilst I exercise is bad for him, I don't see how following me round whilst I do chores, get him to help 'tidy up' and 'load the washing', we count things whilst we do it, we have music playing and little dance parties. Not to mention before any of this we have an hour and a half of no phones, music, TV, just one on one play time and reading.

Kind of two separate points here,
AIBU to not bring toddler into bathroom whilst I shower?
AIBU to do household things/exercise whilst he's awake so that I can have one hour of TV or mumsnet when he naps?

We'd just gotten into a good routine that works for us both, and I felt so much better mentally for getting active, keeping the house clean and still getting a little bit of me time and now I'm just frustrated that the routine I've found myself best in is inadequate parenting.

@TatianaBis

The one day a week childcare is costing me 80% of that days wages so I'm barely breaking even and would up my hours again if it was financially viable

Why is it costing you personally that amount? Your DH is contributing half the childcare costs himself surely?

This.

The cost of childcare is a family cost.

Get back to work asap OP.

He spends so little time with his child yet returns to the home and makes you feel shit about the job you are doing ALONE.

You need to return to work.

As he pays for the mortgage bills and food, I pay for childcare was the agreement. I just don't earn enough to benefit much from it frustratingly.

The problem with this arrangement is that it puts you under his thumb. The money you earn is the only money that is totally yours, and if 80% is going on childcare that leaves you with very little. It’s not just spending money you’re missing out on, you’ve also got to consider pensions etc.

Have you considered going back to work FT and splitting childcare costs with him?

I agree with you about exercise and chores etc... to a small child, it's all good fun! And of course, I think you 100% deserve some relaxation during his nap (I live for naps!!). But leaving your 18 month old while you shower etc... I'm not so sure about.

Now my son was like yours when he was small. He was a very sensible child and would sit nicely watching TV etc... and I would pop to the loo quickly (if he'd let me) and I know I'd have felt like I could have left him longer and he'd be ok, but I still had him with me upstairs when I showered, dressed etc... just in case.

The thing with children is that they can surprise you. I'll never forget when my son was about 3.5. By this time I was leaving him a little longer in the lounge to put a load of washing on etc... he'd always just stay playing or watching TV until one day, i came back into the lounge and he was standing on the dining table! Now I'd never seen him do anything like this ever! He wasn't a climber. I still have no idea why he suddenly decided to do it, but it just was a reminder that no matter how sensible he seems to be, he's only a small child and small children can do dangerous stuff when unsupervised.

If your child climbed on a table while you were in the shower (which you probably wouldn't hear) and then fell and hurt himself, imagine explaining to a paramedic or doctor that you were in the shower and that he was unattended when it happened. If the thought of you saying that makes you feel uncomfortable, then it's a sign that you probably shouldn't be doing it. Personally, at 18 months, that would feel like an uncomfortable conversation for me...

@BigBobs

Will apologise to dh about the shower. Just really resent him saying I don't spend enough quality time with toddler. An hour and a half first thing every morning, he follows me around whilst I do all housework and chips in, 'helps' me prep dinner, long walks, so many books. My exercise (with toddler in same room) and his nap are the only time he isn't interacting with me.

He expects to come home to a spotless house, fed and bathed toddler and a hot dinner on the table but doesn't want me to do any of this whilst DS is awake. He wants me to stay in shape, but not whilst DS is awake. That gives me an hour a day to clean, cook and exercise and that's just not viable. It's hard to not lose my head at him when he makes comments at this. He gets up and gives DS a slice of toast and that's his parenting done for the day.

Well done on the shower issue.

However, you have a DH problem. When did he become the boss of you? If you feel your job is housework and childcare it is entirely up to you how you manage it. (It seems to me that you're very hands-on with DS. Much more than I was with my DC!)
What your husband 'wants' is one thing, what he 'gets' is up to you.

My DH would sometimes come home to a messy house. He sometimes came home and had to cook the dinner. He would sometimes get up at night and certainly did his fair share at weekends.

I think you need to set him straight. And if he doesn't like it, well it's time he started pulling his weight.

There's no way you should be leaving toddler by themselves while you shower. Wait for them to have a nap. I probably would have used some of the naptime to do some housework too and just had a half-hour break. Isn't the main break in the evening?

Also, out of interest, how does your husband envisage evenings going in your home if you do nothing in the house and just keep eyes on your kid all day?

I brought DS into the shower room with me in his high chair and put tv on my phone for him to watch while I showered. He was a very placid toddler until one day I turned around and he had climbed on top of the coffee table. Not worth the risk.

Why would you leave a 18 month old , mine fell downstairs I turned by back for 30 seconds , there can hurt them selves so quickly or he got get something in there mouth , happened to my friend lucky she was there

Think your husband was probably pissed off quite rightly too

leaving them alone is a bit iffy maybe baby cam to your phone for when your in the shower? But you know your child more than people here.

As for the chores I remember my mum used to put me in the laundry basket with a toy or two and bring me around with her as she did chores and things it was really nice looking back.

Plus its how babies learn they watch adults do things manipulate things. Just think how much you can abstractlys/subconsciously learn about the universe waching something as simple as an adult pour water.

You need a holiday,or perhaps a week in hospital, while DH runs the home, cooks cleans launders etc assisted by his baby.

When you return, he will have adjusted his attitude.

Nanny0gg

I'm guessing he said it out of anger which I'm sure most people have done

You have a DH problem. My DH would never have expected to come home every day to a spotless house, an already fed and bathed toddler, hot meal ready, and having expected me to exercise during the day too (for his benefit?) That is unfair.

Be grateful your husband cares for your child's welfare. Many don't!

Have you got a bath in your bathroom?

I used to pop mine in there with some of those plastic ball pool balls (no water) while I showered.

Your DH may have been right about the shower thing, but he sounds like a duck.

RTFT people still commenting on the shower stuff, the OP has repeatedly said she will change this.

*dick!

I have seen a few people mention too much tv. My DD has had more than that of daily screen time for a long time, and at 18mo too. She has learnt so much from what she watches and it has not impacted her negatively at all. We balance it with good quality time, learning and playing.

I see no issue with how you spend your time.

However is there a way you could have him in the bathroom with you whilst you shower? Either a on the floor with a toy or a tablet if you think he wouldn't be kept occupied?

@BigBobs fair enough for changing it but you do not owe DH an apology!

@BigBobs your routine sounds brill, well done on sticking to your work out daily. In summer lockdown I had a similar routine to you but two walks instead of work out & walk, I need to try and get that included now because the mornings drag and the weather is rubbish.

I think there's absolutely nothing wrong with the work out (good for DC to see you exercising and will eventually join in) or the chores. That is real life and what needs doing, and totally fun for toddlers. I have fallen into the trap in phases of focussing the whole day on DC and leaving chores for nap/evening/not done. All that happens is I struggle to play all day, she gets bored, and I get stressed because the house is a sh*t hole. Getting them to help with the chores is fun for them, mixed with some play together like you do and some supervised solo play.

But I have to agree with others I would never dream of leaving DC alone for really longer than 30 seconds max, and she's now nearly 2.5. Granted she's a bit of a lunatic, but still, the most I leave her is when I go outside to pick to dog poo up and I can still see her through the French door and shout at her to stop climbing... and I've only done that since she was about 2. I'd probably react like your DH did if I got home and DC was unattended. Sorry.

The way I have a shower with DC is I give her the iPad with her fave programme loaded on (there is a way you can lock the iPad once playing, Google it if you don't know how, it's called guided access).
I leave the bathroom door open, shower is over the bath so doesn't get steamy. I shut the stair gate and all other doors so she's on the landing outside the bathroom sat on her cushion with the iPad (she has a spot now). So I'm in the shower with the door open in full view. Depends on the layout of your house if you can set something up like that. I keep the shower quick and then she likes watching me get dressed and ready etc, play a little game with the hairdryer (she runs through the blowing air..) so she's never unattended and I get a shower.

I wouldn't worry about screen time at the moment personally. We're in unusual circumstances and I feel if a little more screen time keeps us all a bit more sane then it's worth it. I won't say how much screen time we have because someone said your 15mins was a lot...

Totally agree with your husband

My 22 month old sometimes likes her cartoon and sits still and other times is bored after 2 minutes and is climbing the couch or any random mischief she can think off. This is to say, their bums aren’t always glued to the couch.

Well I think the first conversation to have is how you're going to go back to work full time then, if His Majesty doesn't think you're up to caring for his child well enough.

And start job hunting!

At that age I had a playpen for my son, it was the only way I could dash upstairs for the loo and know he was safe. It was a god send for those times when I needed to be able to do something and know that he was safe like when I was running about with hot stuff in our very small kitchen, I could pull it up to the door give him some pans and spoons to play with, he had room to get up and walk about, but could not get under my feet or touch a hot oven. I'm aware lots of people do not like them, but it really worked for me.

OP, could you get a play pen and put him in there in front of the TV whilst you shower? I did that with my eldest and other than Night Garden before bed it was the only TV he got. Really not a problem. My youngest won't be left alone so I put him in a chair in the bathroom with me (strapped in).

@BigBobs

Will apologise to dh about the shower. Just really resent him saying I don't spend enough quality time with toddler. An hour and a half first thing every morning, he follows me around whilst I do all housework and chips in, 'helps' me prep dinner, long walks, so many books. My exercise (with toddler in same room) and his nap are the only time he isn't interacting with me.

He expects to come home to a spotless house, fed and bathed toddler and a hot dinner on the table but doesn't want me to do any of this whilst DS is awake. He wants me to stay in shape, but not whilst DS is awake. That gives me an hour a day to clean, cook and exercise and that's just not viable. It's hard to not lose my head at him when he makes comments at this. He gets up and gives DS a slice of toast and that's his parenting done for the day.

Does he think we are back in the 1950s?