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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Huge row with DH over my parenting. AIBU?

468 replies

BigBobs · 02/01/2021 11:55

18 mo has breakfast with DH before he goes to work, then we play/read books together for about an hour and a half, I'll then do a home workout in the living room whilst he plays with his toys alone in the same room. He usually comes over and jumps and down and tries to copy Joe Wicks with me too GrinAnyway once I've had my workout, I put CBeebies or something on for toddler and go for a shower. I'll leave him watching TV, go for a quick shower, pop down check he's ok, go back up and dry hair, go and check then go and tidy upstairs. He's always just sat enjoying his 15 mins of tv on the sofa. All doors open so I can hear him/stair gates shut. Then I come downstairs, we put some music on and play, dance, sing whilst doing the boring laundry bits etc before having lunch then toddler has a nap and I'll watch a bit of TV, we'll go for a long walk once he's up then come home and do dinner. We do this everyday, and it works for us. I really struggled with being at home so much and felt really isolated, but this works.

Anyway DH popped home unexpectedly today whilst I was in the shower. I heard the door go so dashed out the shower and downstairs. He saw me coming down in a towel and DS sat on sofa watching CBeebies and dramatically grabbed our son and said how dangerous this way, and what on earth was I thinking leaving him unattended. I said I come down every 5 mins and can hear everything, hence how I heard him come home, but he was just shaking his head at me and saying I should know better.

It turned into a bit of an argument, and he then started sniping about how I need to give toddler more quality time, I shouldn't spend the time he's awake doing chores and exercising just so I can watch TV during his nap. I disagree, I don't get much me time to just chill out and I don't see why half an hour of him playing/jumping around whilst I exercise is bad for him, I don't see how following me round whilst I do chores, get him to help 'tidy up' and 'load the washing', we count things whilst we do it, we have music playing and little dance parties. Not to mention before any of this we have an hour and a half of no phones, music, TV, just one on one play time and reading.

Kind of two separate points here,
AIBU to not bring toddler into bathroom whilst I shower?
AIBU to do household things/exercise whilst he's awake so that I can have one hour of TV or mumsnet when he naps?

We'd just gotten into a good routine that works for us both, and I felt so much better mentally for getting active, keeping the house clean and still getting a little bit of me time and now I'm just frustrated that the routine I've found myself best in is inadequate parenting.

OP posts:
Nettleskeins · 02/01/2021 13:20

As for the hot meal when he gets home...make a nice hot tea for YOU and the toddler..Cauliflower cheese, casserole, spag bol, chicken and two veg, and leave a bit for him.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/01/2021 13:21

@BigBobs how often does DH have him? None working days I mean. How often has he had him all day when he's also expected to cook lunch and dinner? Personally sounds like he needs some bonding time with his kid. It's depending on your Tier but I'd be doing a large shop alone quite late whilst he minds DS, tidies up and cooks

JustLikeStitch · 02/01/2021 13:22

There are some absolute nut cases on this threat! I can just picture them, purple with rage bashing their keyboards trying to coherently string together a paragraph that will give the OP the beating she deserves, and even when OP says she’ll take advice they’re still not satisfied. They need to keep going because otherwise, how will they prove what brilliantly capable super parents they are? How will anyone know to bow at their feet and worship them?

EllyNC · 02/01/2021 13:23

Agree with most people here- the housework etc, fine, toddlers like to help! I even think the workout is fine but why not then just stay in your workout stuff till he goes down for a nap? I know you don’t want to sacrificie your free time but if it’s only 15 mins like you say then you could just be in and out really quick and still get a chance to rest! Absolutely no way I’d leave my DS of a similar age unattended. Even for 2 mins- if I need a wee or to make a phone call or anything in the day I put him in his cot with some books where I know he won’t hurt himself. Sorry but in that sense I do see your husbands point.

Daffodilandviolet · 02/01/2021 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BigBobs · 02/01/2021 13:23

I work one day a week and DS goes to childcare for that one day. I just still don't find that much of a break as I don't have enough time in work to really get on top of anything and find the one day I'm there really stressful and busy. The one day a week childcare is costing me 80% of that days wages so I'm barely breaking even and would up my hours again if it was financially viable. Someone hit the nail on the head with the Stepford wife comment, it does feel like he has high expectations of what I should do. Before we had our son, I was a neat freak and the house was always spotless, he used to laugh and say it felt like a show home. I went to the gym, and always had my hair and nails done. I worked full time and had my own money for this stuff. One toddler and four lockdowns later I'm not quite in the same position I was then and he can't seem to understand why I'm not.

OP posts:
LuaDipa · 02/01/2021 13:25

Agree with pp re the shower, but I don’t think dh has any right to dictate how to structure your day.

TiggeryBear · 02/01/2021 13:25

I honestly don't see the problem with you leaving them whilst you shower. I'm sure (like most parents to an 18month old) you have reasonably secured your living room & there's no real danger they could come to (obviously accidents still can happen 🤷‍♀️) but mine liked to watch an episode of Justin's House or similar with their Teddy bear quite happily whilst I had a quick shower.

Caspianberg · 02/01/2021 13:26

I wouldn’t leave him whilst you shower on a different floor. The tv time is fine.

I would do what you usually do for everything else, but start bringing him up with you. Let him watch something on tablet in bathroom with you, then bring him into your bedroom whilst you change and do hair and he can continue watching tablet on your bed.

EllyNC · 02/01/2021 13:26

Also to add, sometimes screen time is necessary for sanity 😂 you sound like you have lots of lovely quality time with your son, and that he has a lot less screen time than lots of children I know!! Defo don’t beat yourself up about putting the tv on for parts of the day!!

Scaredykittycat · 02/01/2021 13:27

Yours not you’re

Wheresmykimchi · 02/01/2021 13:27

No, you can't leave your toddler!! YABVU on that.

But DH needs to pipe down on the rest.

Caterina99 · 02/01/2021 13:29

I used to put mine in their cot or travel cot if I wanted to leave them alone for more than a few minutes at that kind of age. Or we totally childproofed my DS bedroom (it was basically a cell with the furniture bolted to the walls) when he moved to a bed at 22m as he was such a climber. And had a gate across the door, so he couldn’t get out.

Yes I went to the loo or made a cup of tea quickly by myself and left them in the sitting room. But anything longer than that they came with me or went somewhere safe.

grassisjeweled · 02/01/2021 13:29

Yeah, you can't leave an 18 month old alone for a second.

BigBobs · 02/01/2021 13:29

[quote SleepingStandingUp]@BigBobs how often does DH have him? None working days I mean. How often has he had him all day when he's also expected to cook lunch and dinner? Personally sounds like he needs some bonding time with his kid. It's depending on your Tier but I'd be doing a large shop alone quite late whilst he minds DS, tidies up and cooks[/quote]
DH gives him breakfast then goes to work and isn't home until late, DS is always fed and bathed and often in bed asleep by the time he's home. He has one day off a week with us.

OP posts:
Cleverpolly3 · 02/01/2021 13:30

@TiggeryBear

I honestly don't see the problem with you leaving them whilst you shower. I'm sure (like most parents to an 18month old) you have reasonably secured your living room & there's no real danger they could come to (obviously accidents still can happen 🤷‍♀️) but mine liked to watch an episode of Justin's House or similar with their Teddy bear quite happily whilst I had a quick shower.
“Obviously accidents happen”

World of difference between an accident in the face of appropriate parenting and an eighteen month old having an accident because their mother had buggered off to have a shower and left them to their own devices

Reasonably securing a living room for an eighteen month to be left alone it in while you went off and had a shower would be an extensive exercise and even then not really the responsible thing to do.

womaninatightspot · 02/01/2021 13:30

I used to put my DTs in the travel cot whilst they watched cbeebies so I could shower at least that way they were contained :)

Soubriquet · 02/01/2021 13:30

I don’t think yabu and 15/20 mins is NOT too much TV

I’m sure the door is locked and all dangerous things are out of reach.

cansu · 02/01/2021 13:31

Most of what you are doing is absolutely fine. I think though that you maybe need to make sure your 18 month old is safe while you take your shower. He could be in a playpen or in his cot or in the bathroom or wherever you can be sure he is safe while you are out of sight. Being in a different room but within earshot downstairs is different.

Sunshinegirl82 · 02/01/2021 13:31

I think it all sounds fine (my toddler watches more tv than yours, given the current situation I can't get too concerned about it!)

I would put the toddler in his cot with some books/toys whilst you shower (assuming he can't climb out).

Based on what you say here your husband sounds unsupportive and unrealistic at best. I think that might be the real issue.

Soubriquet · 02/01/2021 13:31

I mean the way some people are talking, you shouldn’t even leave a toddler to go to the toilet!

Cleverpolly3 · 02/01/2021 13:31

I agree @SleepingStandingUp

Being at home for your day off whilst your wife is also there is not the same

@BigBobs not going to go on about the shower thing that would be pedantic now but seriously leave you DH to it for a whole day then come back and assess his skills.

Let him walk the walk

Satsumatrifle · 02/01/2021 13:32

Provided you have risk assessed the room and you know your own child, I would have no problem at all

Wheresmykimchi · 02/01/2021 13:32

@Blobsealy

Wow at some of the replies here...

Pop a baby cam downstairs and if he moves out of range then you can go to him.

If you're watching them live through the camera then you can know exactly what he's up to

Not much help if she's IN the shower when he's doing something dangerous though.
user1471538283 · 02/01/2021 13:33

I used to bathe at night or on the rare occasion my DS napped. I never left him alone as I was worried what could happen

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