Huge row with DH over my parenting. AIBU?

[BigBobs]

18 mo has breakfast with DH before he goes to work, then we play/read books together for about an hour and a half, I'll then do a home workout in the living room whilst he plays with his toys alone in the same room. He usually comes over and jumps and down and tries to copy Joe Wicks with me too Anyway once I've had my workout, I put CBeebies or something on for toddler and go for a shower. I'll leave him watching TV, go for a quick shower, pop down check he's ok, go back up and dry hair, go and check then go and tidy upstairs. He's always just sat enjoying his 15 mins of tv on the sofa. All doors open so I can hear him/stair gates shut. Then I come downstairs, we put some music on and play, dance, sing whilst doing the boring laundry bits etc before having lunch then toddler has a nap and I'll watch a bit of TV, we'll go for a long walk once he's up then come home and do dinner. We do this everyday, and it works for us. I really struggled with being at home so much and felt really isolated, but this works.

Anyway DH popped home unexpectedly today whilst I was in the shower. I heard the door go so dashed out the shower and downstairs. He saw me coming down in a towel and DS sat on sofa watching CBeebies and dramatically grabbed our son and said how dangerous this way, and what on earth was I thinking leaving him unattended. I said I come down every 5 mins and can hear everything, hence how I heard him come home, but he was just shaking his head at me and saying I should know better.

It turned into a bit of an argument, and he then started sniping about how I need to give toddler more quality time, I shouldn't spend the time he's awake doing chores and exercising just so I can watch TV during his nap. I disagree, I don't get much me time to just chill out and I don't see why half an hour of him playing/jumping around whilst I exercise is bad for him, I don't see how following me round whilst I do chores, get him to help 'tidy up' and 'load the washing', we count things whilst we do it, we have music playing and little dance parties. Not to mention before any of this we have an hour and a half of no phones, music, TV, just one on one play time and reading.

Kind of two separate points here,
AIBU to not bring toddler into bathroom whilst I shower?
AIBU to do household things/exercise whilst he's awake so that I can have one hour of TV or mumsnet when he naps?

We'd just gotten into a good routine that works for us both, and I felt so much better mentally for getting active, keeping the house clean and still getting a little bit of me time and now I'm just frustrated that the routine I've found myself best in is inadequate parenting.

Teachers found many children had regressed so much during the first lockdown because of the amount of screen time that took the place of parenting. Unavoidable for many parents who suddenly had to work from home. Not such a problem for SAHPs

@BigBobs

Will apologise to dh about the shower. Just really resent him saying I don't spend enough quality time with toddler. An hour and a half first thing every morning, he follows me around whilst I do all housework and chips in, 'helps' me prep dinner, long walks, so many books. My exercise (with toddler in same room) and his nap are the only time he isn't interacting with me.

He expects to come home to a spotless house, fed and bathed toddler and a hot dinner on the table but doesn't want me to do any of this whilst DS is awake. He wants me to stay in shape, but not whilst DS is awake. That gives me an hour a day to clean, cook and exercise and that's just not viable. It's hard to not lose my head at him when he makes comments at this. He gets up and gives DS a slice of toast and that's his parenting done for the day.

He wants you to stay in shape?

He's a dick. Please stop putting pressure on yourself.

You sound like a fantastic mothet.

He does very very little for his child, yet expects a long list from you.

I wouldn't dream of apologising for the shower.

I would actually say that maybe he step up and you will look at returning to work.

I think it’s all fine except the shower. Definitely the toddler should be doing chores with you. It’s a perfectly good use of time .

How sweaty does the work out make you?

I’m struggling to remember what I did whe mine were 18 months. I think they’d at least be upstairs- maybe in the room with me. There was a stage when I used to bath with them, but I think a shower can wait until nap time if this doesn’t appeal to you.

However, I would NOT let DH dictate my day to me! How dare he have these expectations and expect you to do it all while toddler naps. You do deserve a break during nap time incompletely agree.

I’d also be dropping my housework and culinary standards from now on.

I would do this but I have a playpen so that I can leave the room. I also used to plonk my son in the cot for a few minutes if needed. I wouldn't leave a mobile baby/ toddler of that age alone where they could roam freely, but mine are both grabbers and climbers anyway.

I'm afraid I've never understood this notion of taking your child with you into the toilet and shower unless you really have no other option.

My toddler almost hung on a piece of living room furniture and that happened in seconds, not five minutes so I think you're being unreasonable.

I think you’ve accepted that leaving an 18 mth yr old attended on a different floor is U.

However your DH is VU on this score:

He expects to come home to a spotless house, fed and bathed toddler and a hot dinner on the table but doesn't want me to do any of this whilst DS is awake. He wants me to stay in shape, but not whilst DS is awake. That gives me an hour a day to clean, cook and exercise and that's just not viable. It's hard to not lose my head at him when he makes comments at this. He gets up and gives DS a slice of toast and that's his parenting done for the day.

You need to tackle him on all this 50s nonsense. If wants a spotless house but doesn’t want you to do it as you’ve got DS, then he needs to get a cleaner.

I can’t see this relationship lasting long on these terms.

There is no need to beat yourself up about any of this either. A small adjustment to one part of your day. It sounds like you are doing great.

No way would I leave an 18mo alone downstairs while I had a shower. I'd be angry at that.

The housework and screen time are fine. My day never totally revolved around entertaining a child. It was a mix of housework, proper quality time, nap time, trips out and them playing on their own or watching CBeebies while I sat down with a cup of tea. They've both turned out fine so far.

@Parkperson the WHO is full of fantastic ideals of how family life should be. The vast majority of the leadership team over at the WHO, however, is men, many from fairly traditional cultures who will simply not have had to deal with the conflicting time pressures of family life in the real world, which are still predominantly the concern of women.

So forgive me if I just roundly ignore the utopia they bandy around while I get on with some stuff I badly need to do while my toddler watches some Telly.

We do this everyday, and it works for us. I really struggled with being at home so much and felt really isolated, but this works.

This really jumped out at me OP. Sounds like your mental health was suffering; I was the same. You've put a plan in place to make sure you keep your sanity and I applaud you. Just the being in different rooms while you shower and the potential risk he might hurt himself (if not contained, as he could be with the travel cot suggestion, unless he’s a bit of Houdini, which isn’t beyond the bounds of possibility at that age!)

I know you’ve accepted that leaving your DC alone whilst you shower isn’t the best idea OP but I just wanted to add for you and other posters thinking this is fine, that in my personal experience as a mother who has got it wrong many times and my professional experience as an HCP that deals with the aftermath of such events, that people that think leaving a child of this age alone watching TV or playing for 5 minutes, have never experienced the fact that it can take less than a split second for something to go seriously wrong, even fatally wrong. That and the fact that kids of that age have this awful habit of doing things you never thought they would/could until they’ve done them. Honestly, it’s a line I live my life by now. It’s just much easier and safer to join the minging mother’s club and have a shower whilst baby is asleep or with your DH.

Your DH sounds like a twat though. Everything else you do sounds great.

I empathise with how hard it is with a toddler but there is no way on earth I would leave an 18 month old alone for that long.

It takes literally a second for them to get into trouble at that age and something very dangerous could occur. I'm sorry but you are putting him at risk. Have a shower when he is napping in his cot or at least where you can keep an eye on him. This is an accident waiting to happen....

Your husband is absolutely being unreasonable about the quality time.

By involving your child in every day tasks such a food prep, cleaning etc you are exposing them to valuable life skills.

Your child watching you exercise and take care of yourself is a great example to set.

Don't you dare apologise to your DH @BigBobs! You've already said you adjust the shower thing, which is fair enough. I used to take my children in the shower with me and they played with their bath toys in there whilst I got ready in the bathroom. This might work.
I'm sorry but your husband sounds like an arse who is expecting you to be a stepford wife.

18m is far too young to be left alone for that amount of time on a different floor of the house.

What are you expecting to be able to hear? If he put something in his mouth and choked on it you’d not hear a thing.

What about a playpen whilst he is v temporarily unattended?
Mine were climbers and it really wouldn't have been safe to leave them.
My brother once left his older twins aged two in a room by themselves playing and they had turned the drawers into steps and were climbing them. So frightening..it could have toppled on them.
I know other children who have opened front doors by moving chairs to reach latch, or to climb onto worktops to get to biscuit cupboard. There is the chemicals under sink, there are taps, there are books to pull out onto your head.
You wouldn't believe how curious kids are and at every developmental stage they are one step ahead of what we "know" about them.

But otherwise your husband is being an interfering controlling git...the rest of his criticisms are completely unjustified. The chores and exercise sound brilliant to me.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t shower but I’d pop them in the same room with something whilst you get sorted personally

Leaving him whilst you shower is a big no.
Fitness and chores are fine.

@billy1966

You sound like a fantastic mothet.

He does very very little for his child, yet expects a long list from you.

I wouldn't dream of apologising for the shower.

I would actually say that maybe he step up and you will look at returning to work.

This.

Your DH is being a dick. I think a day it two on his on with dc when that’s possible will make him change his tune.

@DaphneBridgerton

Honestly don't understand why some people ask for opinions on here if they're just going to disagree or defend their original choices... Sounds like most people agree that OP shouldn't be showering upstairs and leaving her DS downstairs... But what's the point if OP is just going to continue doing that? You shouldn't be posting on AIBU if you aren't going to take responses on board!

You're being quite daft, op has clearly said she accepts shes in the wrong re shower. She's explained why she did it but has also concerned, repeatedly, she was wrong.

Your husband is talking nonsense about quality time, he needs to learn to play on his own and help with chores etc.

In terms of leaving him, my partner put ours in a jumperoo until he was 2 years and two months! He would stand in that and rock about whilst my partner had a pooh and shower in the morning. Alternatively do you have a playpen.

Noisy shower then hairdryer toddler free rein of downstairs is risky.
The other stuff meh they don't need 24/7 entertainment the workout sounds fun.

Personally I didnt feel comfortable leaving my Children unattended at that age so I do agree with your DH about that. But the rest I don’t see a problem with. You can’t dedicate 100% of your life to playing. You’d go bonkers. And children need to learn to play alone and appreciate there are other things in life and you’re Doesn’t revolve around them.

Wow at some of the replies here...

Pop a baby cam downstairs and if he moves out of range then you can go to him.

If you're watching them live through the camera then you can know exactly what he's up to