Huge row with DH over my parenting. AIBU?

[BigBobs]

18 mo has breakfast with DH before he goes to work, then we play/read books together for about an hour and a half, I'll then do a home workout in the living room whilst he plays with his toys alone in the same room. He usually comes over and jumps and down and tries to copy Joe Wicks with me too Anyway once I've had my workout, I put CBeebies or something on for toddler and go for a shower. I'll leave him watching TV, go for a quick shower, pop down check he's ok, go back up and dry hair, go and check then go and tidy upstairs. He's always just sat enjoying his 15 mins of tv on the sofa. All doors open so I can hear him/stair gates shut. Then I come downstairs, we put some music on and play, dance, sing whilst doing the boring laundry bits etc before having lunch then toddler has a nap and I'll watch a bit of TV, we'll go for a long walk once he's up then come home and do dinner. We do this everyday, and it works for us. I really struggled with being at home so much and felt really isolated, but this works.

Anyway DH popped home unexpectedly today whilst I was in the shower. I heard the door go so dashed out the shower and downstairs. He saw me coming down in a towel and DS sat on sofa watching CBeebies and dramatically grabbed our son and said how dangerous this way, and what on earth was I thinking leaving him unattended. I said I come down every 5 mins and can hear everything, hence how I heard him come home, but he was just shaking his head at me and saying I should know better.

It turned into a bit of an argument, and he then started sniping about how I need to give toddler more quality time, I shouldn't spend the time he's awake doing chores and exercising just so I can watch TV during his nap. I disagree, I don't get much me time to just chill out and I don't see why half an hour of him playing/jumping around whilst I exercise is bad for him, I don't see how following me round whilst I do chores, get him to help 'tidy up' and 'load the washing', we count things whilst we do it, we have music playing and little dance parties. Not to mention before any of this we have an hour and a half of no phones, music, TV, just one on one play time and reading.

Kind of two separate points here,
AIBU to not bring toddler into bathroom whilst I shower?
AIBU to do household things/exercise whilst he's awake so that I can have one hour of TV or mumsnet when he naps?

We'd just gotten into a good routine that works for us both, and I felt so much better mentally for getting active, keeping the house clean and still getting a little bit of me time and now I'm just frustrated that the routine I've found myself best in is inadequate parenting.

Sorry but I have to agree 18 months is too young to be left alone downstairs on the sofa .
At least bring him upstairs and put him in the cot while you shower that's what I used to do .
The other stuff not relevant what you do in a day it's leaving the child on the sofa unattended.
Jeez I used the even bring mine with me when I went to the loo at that age for fear they would fall .

@islockdownoveryet

Sorry but I have to agree 18 months is too young to be left alone downstairs on the sofa . At least bring him upstairs and put him in the cot while you shower that's what I used to do . The other stuff not relevant what you do in a day it's leaving the child on the sofa unattended. Jeez I used the even bring mine with me when I went to the loo at that age for fear they would fall .

Read the thread

I wouldn't leave an 18 mth old alone while I was in the shower.
Perhaps spend all day playing and teaching your ds things and then dh can muck in with 50% of the domestics when he comes home

READ THE WHOLE THREAD FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND PURE.

@Winterwoollies

READ THE WHOLE THREAD FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND PURE.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Bloody hell do you really leave an 18 month old unsupervised on another floor in the house? That’s crazy and so irresponsible

Mine would have been absolutely fine with your routine, shower and all.

Why was your dh home mid-day to do a little critiquing? That doesn’t sound like good “husbanding” or good “fathering”. It sounds horrid. Do you subject him to this sort of sound destroying undermining?

@Winterwoollies

READ THE WHOLE THREAD FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND PURE.

Or even just click to get all the ops posts and scan read then!

I once ran upstairs to get something (2 flights), by the time I got back my DD was on the kitchen worktop! They get silly ideas at that age

Depends on the 18 month old. My dd was absolutely fine to leave at that age for 10 mins whilst I was upstairs listening out.
My DS prized open the closed dishwasher and whilst I was hanging laundry upstairs (he was quiet) got a huge knife out and I came down to him holding it. After that experience it makes you think twice!

@BigBobs oh wow. I have a 14mo. I go and shower (leave the door open so he can come in and out if he wants to, we have a flat). I go and take the rubbish out (same, but he usually follows me then).

YANBU at all. Anything can happen even when we are watching them. Cannot comment on the TV as we don't have one but 20mins of watching something surely sounds like a OK thing to me.

Too much helicopter parenting all around here but then we all do things our own way and I'd not tell anyone anything ever unless they ask me (your child, your ways 101%).

Jeez I'm so sorry I've just come across this thread , no need to tell people off .
I can't be arsed reading the full thread and I didn't realise we had to stop posting after a certain length of time .
Are you going to tell everyone off who posts now ?

@BigBobs

Will apologise to dh about the shower. Just really resent him saying I don't spend enough quality time with toddler. An hour and a half first thing every morning, he follows me around whilst I do all housework and chips in, 'helps' me prep dinner, long walks, so many books. My exercise (with toddler in same room) and his nap are the only time he isn't interacting with me.

He expects to come home to a spotless house, fed and bathed toddler and a hot dinner on the table but doesn't want me to do any of this whilst DS is awake. He wants me to stay in shape, but not whilst DS is awake. That gives me an hour a day to clean, cook and exercise and that's just not viable. It's hard to not lose my head at him when he makes comments at this. He gets up and gives DS a slice of toast and that's his parenting done for the day.

The real issue here is all the thing HE expects. Who does he think he is?

What would he do if his "expectations " weren't met?

Yeah - your husband sounds like an ass.

I think your day is fine, other than leaving the baby for a shower. I’ve not read all the posts (although I have read your updates) but has anyone suggested you having a bath with the toddler ? I do that as my kids love the bath and I couldn’t leave them alone for a shower and to wash my hair - I’ve only been pooped on twice too !

@islockdownoveryet

Jeez I'm so sorry I've just come across this thread , no need to tell people off . I can't be arsed reading the full thread and I didn't realise we had to stop posting after a certain length of time . Are you going to tell everyone off who posts now ?

Reading at least OP's posts (all 13 of them!!) is no hardship. Especially since now we have a handy little button that lets you do that.

@islockdownoveryet

Jeez I'm so sorry I've just come across this thread , no need to tell people off . I can't be arsed reading the full thread and I didn't realise we had to stop posting after a certain length of time . Are you going to tell everyone off who posts now ?

Yes.

@billy1966

Contrite my arse.

Stop being controlled by his expectations.

Stop doing everything.

Precisely. He sounds more than a little power crazed. Whatever the rights and wrongs are of leaving a small child on a sofa watching tv for 5 minutes while you have a shower this is a man who expects everything and gives nothing. A petty despot. Wants a slim, fit well groomed wife, an immaculate home, to be waited on hand and foot, and for the OP to fit that all into the one hour the child takes a nap.

So telling a man like this you are very sorry for being such a bad mum and from now on you will do as you are told is madness.

@Topseyt if you want to be a surrendered wife you crack on. If you see your place as subservient and are happy to grovel and be controlled fabulous. Just don't bring your 1950s ideas on to a 2021 thread. This isn't just about the shower - I assume you can read snd have seen that part? Or perhaps not.

Can he not have a baby gate on his room? It worked so well with my DS.
If I ever needed a quick shower I'd put him in his room with his toys, room was baby proofed to within an inch of its life. We did need to reassess every so often once he started climbing etc. I'd shout to him and chat to him while I was showering so he knew where I was. We would be in hysterics shouting each others names at each other in a funny way etc.

Would something like that work in your home? Or maybe a baby gate at the top of the stairs and keep your bathroom door and his bedroom door open so he can go in there and play and come to the bathroom to see you if he gets bored?

Play pens can be really good, some of my friends swear by them. But my 2 DCs hated them and would scream if I put them in.

I just don't get this thread..... usually you be being told to get your ducks ina row and leave his sorry controlling ass

🤷🏼‍♀️ mumnsmet is so inconsistent 🤣

Your update about your DH is worrying OP. Why does he have such high expectations? You're spot on that's impossible to prep dinner, exercise and clean etc. without doing at least some of it when your DS is awake.
Are you okay? Was it your choice to be a SAHM?

Wow OP is clearly trying to find a balance for parenting and herself when going out and seeing others is limited. Portioning your day up, exercising, playing and cooking all healthy. Point has been made about the shower, and she has accepted the feedback!

You sound like my kind of girl OP! Making it work

At 18 months I had our toddler watch TV on our bed while I showered in the en-suite, or I had him watch something on a tablet on the floor of the bathroom while I showered, then I could see him and talk to him at the same time.

Everything you are doing is absolutely fine. Blimey. Give him more TV! It won’t kill him. They love a bit of CBeebies. The only thing I wouldn’t do is leave him downstairs while being upstairs in the shower. I used to put CBeebies on and lay with him on the sofa in the afternoon and grab an hours snooze. Use it for sleep/cup of tea/cooking time. I used to take them upstairs and put them in the shower with me. Get lots of bath toys. Bottom of the shower. Give him a sponge and soap and let him clean the shower. He then stayed in there “cleaning” while I got out and got dressed etc. Best way to do it. When they were newborn I’d take the baby bouncer in the bathroom with me. Everything else is fine. It’s none of your husbands business what you do. How many full days (without you around) has he parented your toddler? If it’s zero then that needs to change. Go for a very long walk with take away coffee (at least 6 hours) tomorrow and do it every weekend or have a nice stroll around Tesco. Obviously you can’t go visit family now unless you aren’t Tier 4 but you could drive to a country park and stay gone as long as you can. It’s the only way he’ll learn and shut the fuck up. This is basically what you need to learn to do now because you have a precious prick on your hands. Your life is now finding ways to show him reality, be bloodyminded and make him shut the fuck up by making him experience over and over again whatever he’s moaning about. For example, he moans about how the toilets aren’t clean you stop cleaning toilets immediately. You do nothing until he learns his lesson and has to do it himself. If you don’t do this now he’s just going to become more critical and more entitled. You need to virtually cut off his oxygen like the annoying twat gnat he is right now.

Oh and start doing more workouts. In front of him while he has to entertain his child. Time to put The King of the World right on a few things.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, as long as the room is secure and safe and you are checking on him when you say you are. It’s perfectly acceptable. It’s hard getting into a routine and you seem to have found one. If your not supposed to do housework dose this mean sphe will do it when he gets home?

Also don’t think it’s too much tv, I’m a big fan of the tv babysitter, especially when I was in desperate need of a toilet or shower break.

I would shower with the doors open so I could hear what was happening. Where I left DCs would depend on a number of factors, age, child proofing, grumpy ness, desperation of shower/toilet... sometimes it would be easy to take them in the shower with me, sometimes baby Einstein or pocoyo would babysit. Also each child was different. One would happily entertain them self’s, play with toys in their bedroom another was so clingy I couldn’t leave them for a moment unless they zoned out to the tv. Do what you need to for you and your DS, fuck everyone else.