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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Huge row with DH over my parenting. AIBU?

468 replies

BigBobs · 02/01/2021 11:55

18 mo has breakfast with DH before he goes to work, then we play/read books together for about an hour and a half, I'll then do a home workout in the living room whilst he plays with his toys alone in the same room. He usually comes over and jumps and down and tries to copy Joe Wicks with me too GrinAnyway once I've had my workout, I put CBeebies or something on for toddler and go for a shower. I'll leave him watching TV, go for a quick shower, pop down check he's ok, go back up and dry hair, go and check then go and tidy upstairs. He's always just sat enjoying his 15 mins of tv on the sofa. All doors open so I can hear him/stair gates shut. Then I come downstairs, we put some music on and play, dance, sing whilst doing the boring laundry bits etc before having lunch then toddler has a nap and I'll watch a bit of TV, we'll go for a long walk once he's up then come home and do dinner. We do this everyday, and it works for us. I really struggled with being at home so much and felt really isolated, but this works.

Anyway DH popped home unexpectedly today whilst I was in the shower. I heard the door go so dashed out the shower and downstairs. He saw me coming down in a towel and DS sat on sofa watching CBeebies and dramatically grabbed our son and said how dangerous this way, and what on earth was I thinking leaving him unattended. I said I come down every 5 mins and can hear everything, hence how I heard him come home, but he was just shaking his head at me and saying I should know better.

It turned into a bit of an argument, and he then started sniping about how I need to give toddler more quality time, I shouldn't spend the time he's awake doing chores and exercising just so I can watch TV during his nap. I disagree, I don't get much me time to just chill out and I don't see why half an hour of him playing/jumping around whilst I exercise is bad for him, I don't see how following me round whilst I do chores, get him to help 'tidy up' and 'load the washing', we count things whilst we do it, we have music playing and little dance parties. Not to mention before any of this we have an hour and a half of no phones, music, TV, just one on one play time and reading.

Kind of two separate points here,
AIBU to not bring toddler into bathroom whilst I shower?
AIBU to do household things/exercise whilst he's awake so that I can have one hour of TV or mumsnet when he naps?

We'd just gotten into a good routine that works for us both, and I felt so much better mentally for getting active, keeping the house clean and still getting a little bit of me time and now I'm just frustrated that the routine I've found myself best in is inadequate parenting.

OP posts:
Abracadabra12345 · 02/01/2021 14:33

@princessjasmineofagrabah

Too much tv is ridiculous 😂 your child you choose how much tv he watches ffs.

However - no I wouldn't leave an 18mo downstairs. My son would have managed to mortally injure himself.
Either take him in with you, or I used to put the jumperoo in the doorway. Even pop him in his cot with some baby toys.

I agree about popping him in a cot with some toys. Do parents use play pens anymore?
Topseyt · 02/01/2021 14:34

Be contrite snd acknowledge his concerns? Jesus. You scare me

@SueDeNimm Yes, be contrite. Acknowledge where you were wrong and apologise. OP has now said she will apologise and stop doing this.

I don't care if that scares you. Crack on.

Wheresmykimchi · 02/01/2021 14:35

@Topseyt

Be contrite snd acknowledge his concerns? Jesus. You scare me

@SueDeNimm Yes, be contrite. Acknowledge where you were wrong and apologise. OP has now said she will apologise and stop doing this.

I don't care if that scares you. Crack on.

OP doesn't need to apologise.
SleepingStandingUp · 02/01/2021 14:36

@Littlepaws18

The fact you ran down the stairs out of the shower shows in your actions you knew it wasn't right.

The issue of tv isn't the paramount one here, it's the fact you left your 18 month old unattended whilst you shower. It's too young and so many things could have happened. This is the issue you should be addressing not your husbands reaction (which I feel was justified)

Surely op came running downstairs because her front door has been randomly opened. Same as she would if she'd been for a pee. Or should that be contained to the times her DH is home too
1forAll74 · 02/01/2021 14:36

Many many years ago when my son was about 18 months old, He was in the kitchen with me, sitting on the floor playing with some little plastic cars, I had put the kettle on to make a cup of tea,mainly for my Husband, who was just outside the back door laying some patio slabs, It took a minute for me to shout him in for the cuppa, I came back in, and my son was coughing and crying, he had somehow dismantled a little car, and put a round piece of plastic car part in his mouth, and swallowed it.

MY husband rushed in, and tried to do the usual chocking procedure thing, all to no avail. We went to the hospital immediately, and they X rayed my son, and you could see the offending piece of plastic thing.
They said the round piece of plastic should work its way through during the next few days, and to keep checking things when my son went to the loo. He had another check and xray two days later, to see if the plastic had moved down, and it had. So it finally worked it's way through after six days. after doing all the poo checks that we had to do,

So this was just after less that a minute of me going to the back door, with my son a few feet away,

Pebbledashery · 02/01/2021 14:40

I mean this sounds mostly ok - but I tend to do my workout in DD's nap time and have time for a shower as well..
I don't like the thought of working out and not concentrating on her for an hour, plus more to the point she wouldn't let me.
I would take your baby to the bathroom with you if you can or at least not downstairs, don't mean this in a bad way but he could fall off the sofa in the those 5 minutes you are in the shower and you'd never forgive yourself. The rest of it sounds fine though :)

Topseyt · 02/01/2021 14:41

TV before the age of two never harmed any of my three. One has a first class honours degree from an RG university and the youngest is now a first year student at Cambridge.

Everything in moderation. I used to leave them watching CBEEBIEs for half an hour or so while I did some jobs around the house (downstairs) and/or had a coffee in peace.

Shoot me if you want to.

Pebbledashery · 02/01/2021 14:43

Sorry I didn't read the rest of your posts! guilty! :)

Burnthurst187 · 02/01/2021 14:46

18 mth old shouldn't be left alone on a sofa, what's to stop him/her falling off?

Can you shower when child is having a nap?

Wheresmykimchi · 02/01/2021 14:47

@Burnthurst187

18 mth old shouldn't be left alone on a sofa, what's to stop him/her falling off?

Can you shower when child is having a nap?

Please RTFT.
diamondpony80 · 02/01/2021 14:50

Wow, leaving an 18 month old on his own unattended? Your DH has every right to be worried. There are SO many things that could happen to a toddler at that age and checking on him every 5 minutes is not sufficient. Why not just take him into the bathroom with you so that at least you can keep an eye on him and know he's safe?

billy1966 · 02/01/2021 14:51

Contrite my arse.

Stop being controlled by his expectations.

Stop doing everything.

greeneyedlulu · 02/01/2021 14:53

I would not leave an 18 month old alone whilst showering but everything else is fine. If I need to shower whilst my 14 month old is awake I pop her in the cot and we play peek a boo as I can see her from the shower.

maddiemookins16mum · 02/01/2021 14:53

This is why play pens worked 😊. (as does having a shower when your toddler is having breakfast with his dad). You can bet if the roles were reversed he’d be called careless and negligent.

Wheresmykimchi · 02/01/2021 14:56

@diamondpony80

Wow, leaving an 18 month old on his own unattended? Your DH has every right to be worried. There are SO many things that could happen to a toddler at that age and checking on him every 5 minutes is not sufficient. Why not just take him into the bathroom with you so that at least you can keep an eye on him and know he's safe?
If only that had been suggested and OP had agreed to do that 10 pages ago!
Nonamesavail · 02/01/2021 14:56

Do you have a staircase at the top? I used to leave bathroom door open and let them play upstairs while I washed. X

isadorapolly · 02/01/2021 14:59

I think it’s all fine even the shower, if it’s 5 minutes. As long as the room the toddlers left in is as safe as you can make it then I do t see why they can’t be unsupervised for a few minutes.

Livelifetotheful · 02/01/2021 15:06

My wonderful sister in law , a teacher , told me take the toddler with you into bathroom . I couldn’t think straight at that stage . She’s right .

VestaTilley · 02/01/2021 15:08

YABU. You shouldn’t leave your toddler unattended like that for that long.

I have a 20 month old- the longest I might leave him watching TV is 2 mins while I dash to the kitchen to get him water or some tissues etc. I’d never leave him to have a shower etc.

Disfordarkchocolate · 02/01/2021 15:14

I'd be more inclined to put him in his cot while I showered etc, doesn't work when the little treasure learns to climb out though.

I think it's fine.

Opticabbage · 02/01/2021 15:15

Well this is eye opening. I also used to pop on cbeebies after Joe wicks for a quick shower. Kid was hypnotised. I could hear everything. It was way less dangerous than leaving him in a cot/play pen/bedroom where he would have got up to mischief. You know your own child best.

BeTheHokeyMan · 02/01/2021 15:18

I think it sounds like you have a great routine op but do agree that your husband sounds like an ass

ktp100 · 02/01/2021 15:19

The activities are fine.

Leaving an 18 month old unattended for 5 minutes is NOT.

ktp100 · 02/01/2021 15:20

At least buy a play pen, FFS.

Immrswhistledown · 02/01/2021 15:22

@HavelockVetinari

I'd bring him into the bathroom with you whilst you shower, and then into the bedroom whilst you dry your hair - I used to do that when DS was 18m. It's too young to leave them alone.

YANBU on the rest.

Definitely. No one should be leaving an 18 month old alone whilst they go and shower and dry their hair.
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