Huge row with DH over my parenting. AIBU?

[BigBobs]

18 mo has breakfast with DH before he goes to work, then we play/read books together for about an hour and a half, I'll then do a home workout in the living room whilst he plays with his toys alone in the same room. He usually comes over and jumps and down and tries to copy Joe Wicks with me too Anyway once I've had my workout, I put CBeebies or something on for toddler and go for a shower. I'll leave him watching TV, go for a quick shower, pop down check he's ok, go back up and dry hair, go and check then go and tidy upstairs. He's always just sat enjoying his 15 mins of tv on the sofa. All doors open so I can hear him/stair gates shut. Then I come downstairs, we put some music on and play, dance, sing whilst doing the boring laundry bits etc before having lunch then toddler has a nap and I'll watch a bit of TV, we'll go for a long walk once he's up then come home and do dinner. We do this everyday, and it works for us. I really struggled with being at home so much and felt really isolated, but this works.

Anyway DH popped home unexpectedly today whilst I was in the shower. I heard the door go so dashed out the shower and downstairs. He saw me coming down in a towel and DS sat on sofa watching CBeebies and dramatically grabbed our son and said how dangerous this way, and what on earth was I thinking leaving him unattended. I said I come down every 5 mins and can hear everything, hence how I heard him come home, but he was just shaking his head at me and saying I should know better.

It turned into a bit of an argument, and he then started sniping about how I need to give toddler more quality time, I shouldn't spend the time he's awake doing chores and exercising just so I can watch TV during his nap. I disagree, I don't get much me time to just chill out and I don't see why half an hour of him playing/jumping around whilst I exercise is bad for him, I don't see how following me round whilst I do chores, get him to help 'tidy up' and 'load the washing', we count things whilst we do it, we have music playing and little dance parties. Not to mention before any of this we have an hour and a half of no phones, music, TV, just one on one play time and reading.

Kind of two separate points here,
AIBU to not bring toddler into bathroom whilst I shower?
AIBU to do household things/exercise whilst he's awake so that I can have one hour of TV or mumsnet when he naps?

We'd just gotten into a good routine that works for us both, and I felt so much better mentally for getting active, keeping the house clean and still getting a little bit of me time and now I'm just frustrated that the routine I've found myself best in is inadequate parenting.

Oh yes I forgot about baby cams! Used to love using them so I could sit at the end of the garden and watch baby sleeping knowing all was well. Suppose that makes me neglectful, though.
Honestly it's ridiculous on here sometimes. During this pandemic I have been split in all directions, working in and outside the home, with or without childcare, sometimes home schooling, managing children of different ages needs, as well as all the usual life stuff including a house move and all that goes with it. I'd love to say I could be watching my kids constantly, and entertaining them without screens, etc. But honestly? Disney+ for the kids while I'm on headphones on a zoom meeting and supervising out the corner of my eye? That's been a thing. Sit them in front of Netflix with a packet of biscuits while I do life admin? That's been a thing too. On my good days I have got them involved in housework or supervised a craft session while trying to catch up on emails. This child is not neglected. & a baby cam would solve the issue of supervision anyway.
But this man sounds like an arse honestly. A misogynist micromanaging piece of shit who should be paying 50:50 for childcare and doing 50% of the parenting at least when he's home.

It’s not ok to leave an 18 month old alone whilst you’re in the shower. Such a high risk of something going wrong. It’s irresponsible. And it isn’t 5 mins, as you’ve already said you pop down, then back up to dry your hair etc

@Parkperson

The World Health Organisation does not think any screen time for children under two is a good idea. www.who.int/news/item/24-04-2019-to-grow-up-healthy-children-need-to-sit-less-and-play-more I know that is unrealistic but less is always better. Relying on TV is a bad habit to fall into.

It's not unrealistic, OK my children are older now but the world can't possibly have changed so much in the last 15ish years that it's become impossible not to turn the TV on for under 2s. I genuinely don't get why you'd say that.

I'd never leave an 18 month alone whilst showering and drying my hair. The rest is fine though and I dont see an issue with and I'm guessing because hes angry about leaving him alone hes just had a go about it all when really it wouldnt be an issue on it's own.

@2bazookas

You need a holiday,or perhaps a week in hospital, while DH runs the home, cooks cleans launders etc assisted by his baby.

When you return, he will have adjusted his attitude.

Not in my experience, he'd easily be able to do it his way for a week, it would only prove in his mind that he was right.

You cant compare doing it for a tiny amount of time with doing it 24/7/52

@Parkperson it was always unrealistic. Stats by these types of boards dont reflect the reality of life.

I'm in and out of the shower in less than 5 minutes, I have a quick rinse after a workout

If you're washing your hair, there is no way you are in and out within 5 minutes. And there is no reason why you have to dry your hair in a different room, is there?

But your husband needs to learn how toddlers learn. Following you around and "helping" with tidying is great in terms of developing skills in manipulation, sorting, counting etc, to say nothing of what he gets out of the interaction with you. If your husband thinks you should be sitting down and doing educational stuff with him or something, he's deluded.

Will he be happy enough in his cot with a book whilst you shower? That's what I tend to do, even though the living room is relatively toddler proof (if such a thing exists...) only takes a second to fall off the sofa or throw something at the telly that causes damage.

@Pringlemonster

Totally agree with your husband

Totally agree with your husband master

There. Fixed that for you.

(Read the OP's posts)

I think a lot of people here haven't had small children in a while or don't have them full time.

Agree that everything is fine apart from the shower. Is there no time in the morning or evening when your DH is home to supervise?

@NannyOgg quite.

THE OP IS NO LONGER GOING TO LEAVE HER TODDLER ALONE DOWNSTAIRS WHILE SHE SHOWERS

Now, people. Read the rest of her posts.

Please.

Put him in a play pen. Issue solved.

I have three dds. My youngest hurts herself in really random unpredictable ways. I

I had a babygate across the bedroom which was next to the bathroom so I put them In Their room to play if I needed a shower while I was alone.

It's not the end of the world and your dh is overreacting.

Has he spent more than weekends and evenings looking after your child alone?

He has no idea how tedious and repetitive having a toddler can be - it must be even worse in lock down.

I don't think your TV usage is excessive but this is mumsnet and children should never watch tv

YABVU with the shower, that’s dangerous. I don’t like leaving my almost three year old unattended for that length of time in another room! The other stuff is fine though.

If you're washing your hair, there is no way you are in and out within 5 minutes

I have washed, conditioned and body washed in 4 minutes 25 seconds. It's absolutely possible, you just need to move your hands quickly. And I have long hair, too!

Pop the toddler in the cot/playpen next time with a couple of toys and jobs a good 'un. Having a toddler in the bathroom with you when you try to wash sounds stressful!

In terms of your routine, I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. However, 18 month is too young to leave while you shower.

The fact you ran down the stairs out of the shower shows in your actions you knew it wasn't right.

The issue of tv isn't the paramount one here, it's the fact you left your 18 month old unattended whilst you shower. It's too young and so many things could have happened. This is the issue you should be addressing not your husbands reaction (which I feel was justified)

OP your routine is absolutely fine, you certainly don't need to interact with children every minute they are awake. I would feel a bit uncomfortable about the shower and drying hair while he's down stairs alone. Maybe take him up with you for the shower (if you really are only 5 mins, then it won't be that difficult), and bring your hairdryer down the stairs. The onky reason those things would make me a bit nervous is because you really can't hear everything that's happening.

@puppychaos

Agree that everything is fine apart from the shower. Is there no time in the morning or evening when your DH is home to supervise?

How does that work when op only has time to exercise in the day? She's having a post workout shower not a groom and scrub

@Nanny0gg

THE OP IS NO LONGER GOING TO LEAVE HER TODDLER ALONE DOWNSTAIRS WHILE SHE SHOWERS

Now, people. Read the rest of her posts.

Please.

This.

Play pen. Issue sorted.

I have three dds. My first to were a breeze, my third managed to hurt herself in really bizarre ways. Honestly I’m surprised SS havnt been in contact! I wouldn’t trust her alone in a padded cell!

Obviously you've got the message about the shower, but I would add that TV is considered not good for kids before the age of two. I will go and get some citations but I think the fact that you comment that your kid is 'mesmerised' by it and doesn't put things in their mouth etc says it all!
They are supposed to be putting things in their mouth! It's how they explore and yes 15/20 of being hypnotised a day by a box with sound is too much. And I say that as someone with lots of kids! They have many years to be mesmerised by the tv. At 18 months they should be touching abs tasting things. I find it strange that there is so much cognitive dissonance with this. You know he's mesmerised. It's a shot unnecessary thing for a mentally growing person of 18 months!