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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I was the only one not invited aibu?

226 replies

breadandwines · 02/01/2021 09:50

I started a new job in July in a call centre.
I quickly made friends with my team.
In august I started seeing a man off our team and was invited on meals out (few and far between with covid ) but we had outdoor meet ups in between.
We all speak on a group chat on WhatsApp.
One of the group doesn't like me(it's obvious ) and I think she doesn't like the fact I'm part of the group.
Nye the girl wrote to one of the members "sleep well,excited for tomorrow "
I didn't think much of it and thought maybe they were meeting for a coffee or something.
Anyway last night they had a house party (which I wouldn't have went to anyway due to covid restrictions"
They didn't invite me and the guy I'm seeing is there and didn't invite me.
He hasn't spoke all day yesterday or today
Aibu to feel pissed off ?

OP posts:
YoniAndGuy · 02/01/2021 10:38

Oh and OP the first poster had it. Keep away from all of them. They sound like a little cesspit of 14-year olds... your new bf included.

I'd be breezy and distant and fob him off from now on. Dump the little weasel.

Newkitchen123 · 02/01/2021 10:38

Time to get rid of the bf

Thewinterofdiscontent · 02/01/2021 10:39

@breadandwines

Would you say anything to him about it ?
No!

He entitled to behave how he wants and you are entitled to judge his weak character on that behaviour. You’ve vetted him out. It works in your favour.

Do not go out for a drink or engage with him more than you have to. He might bring it up “ are you pissed off with me because of the party” and you should not comment directly on your feelings ( I was hurt) but only reference his behaviour. Maybe say no hard feelings that his behaviour it’s not what you expect from a relationship, either as friends or more than friends and you’re happy to carry on as just work colleagues. With a confident smile.
Let him be gutted he’ll not getting a shag off you for the sake of keeping the office cow happy.

soopedup · 02/01/2021 10:39

I’ve been in this situation. I’m betting she fancies the guy. Do not play into their hands. They want to ostracise you so you leave. Right now, say nothing. At all. To any of them. File it away as information. You now know. He needs to be ghosted. You are no longer dating him. You do not instigate any messages with any of them. Don’t like anything they post or respond to anything. At all. Ever. From now on. Done. Ghosted. If he messages you make polite nothing replies for example he writes “how you doing. Want to get together” you write back “I’m great mate. Busy day. See ya at work” you are bright, breezy, non committal. You do not engage. They are trying to provoke you and make you the big bitch so they can tear you down. So now you need to focus on friends outside of work and make plans. Your social life now no longer includes these people. They are non people who do not exist. When you go to work and they are chatting about the party you smile and if they direct anything to you it’s all “sounds great” “what a laugh” “brilliant”. Fake positivity. You are NOT BOTHERED.
If this guy messages to ask you out or any questions at all you write short shit back like “hey you. My day has been bonkers. See you at work” it’s always NO INFO and finished with a “see you at work”
Are there any other people at work who weren’t at this party? Quietly start doing one to one coffee with them. Never do a group. Get to know individuals outside of that lot. Start dating outside of work.
Stay firm and professional.

PatchworkElmer · 02/01/2021 10:39

I’d be hurt too, but I’d work VERY hard to make sure they never saw that.

I think your relationship with the Covidiot is over. Don’t message him- wait to see if he contacts you?

Pimmsypimms · 02/01/2021 10:40

Wow, they all sound arseholes op. The silence from the guy you're seeing is probably due to a guilty conscience. I'd be going minimal contact with them all.

notanothertakeaway · 02/01/2021 10:40

Regardless of the party, being left out of the group etc, surely there was a red flag that you and the guy didn't already have your own plans for NYE?

He's just not that into you. Time to move on, and perhaps look for a new job if work is toxic

soopedup · 02/01/2021 10:40

Oh and far as this lot are concerned you are busy busy busy. Constantly.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 02/01/2021 10:41

Of course the OP can be upset to have been excluded, even if she would not have gone. It’s silly to suggest otherwise.

OP - what the team did was unkind. Being excluded from a group of people you thought were your friends is very hurtful indeed.

Please forgive me if I’m wrong about this, I’m trying to be helpful...I wonder if you are still fairly young and haven’t had many jobs before? Nothing wrong in that. But I think you might have misjudged the dynamics in the team and definitely the character of the guy you are seeing. Judging this right will have been made even more difficult by remote working. He is a player. They are not your friends. If I were you I’d bin him. I’d never ever mention the party. I’d just wait a few days and tell him it’s not working for you. And I’d keep them all at a distance and just keep it low key, friendly but professional. Do your socialising away from this group. And if and when you get a different job I’d be very slow indeed to get involved in a relationship with anyone you work with.

I hope you start to feel better soon. What they have done is unkind and you deserve better.

SmellyPooHead · 02/01/2021 10:42

@AlternativePerspective you are certainly living up to your user name 🙄

Taikoo · 02/01/2021 10:43

Bin them all.
Say nothing.
Start looking for a new job if at all possible.

soopedup · 02/01/2021 10:44

Oh and if he messages to ask directly “are you mad at me? Are we still dating?” You reply “Hi! You ok? You sound a bit stressed? Out at the mo but will reply more later. Busy day!” Then don’t reply again. Then if he perseveres you again write after leaving it for several hours “sorry just seen this. On my way out so will chat later” then don’t. You are never available.

Viviennemary · 02/01/2021 10:45

I think it was sneaky of him to go and not mention it.

thosetalesofunexpected · 02/01/2021 10:46

Hi Op
He your so called boyfriend has really shown his true colours to the mast hasn't he.!!!

You are well rid of him !!!
If he comes back making excuses for his shoddybehaviour,!!;

Kick him to the kurb side.
Ditch get shot of him,
Like the massive piece of Trash that he is.!!!

It was a sly Dick move of your boyfriend to do that.!
Also He knows what he did was a shit Dick move thing he did.
(Hence deliberately avoiding you tactics for last couple of days.!!

This woman who you feel does not like you.

I think she could well be jealous of you,as she may quietly/or not so quietly fancies him herself and is seething/envious as hell you got in there first !😁 L.o.l

The morale of this story
Don't mix work /pleasure together .!
(It sounds like a Toxic, Nasty bunch of Colleagues you have the misfortune to work with..

Just treat them like Professional Business like manner,
Like Arquitances they are nothing to you .!!!

EagleFlight · 02/01/2021 10:50

@breadandwines

Would you say anything to him about it ?
Yes and it would be in the ending the relationship conversation for two reasons - yes, he deliberately went along with excluding you from a party and also because he has no respect for the NHS trying to save countless lives. He’s not a nice person.

Stay away from relationships in the workplace.

CisMyArse · 02/01/2021 10:50

@Thewinterofdiscontent great advice there.

BluebellsGreenbells · 02/01/2021 10:53

He knew you wouldn’t go
He knew you’d disapprove of him going

He didn’t tel you navies you would’ve talked him out of it or made him feel guilty

He went because he thought he could get away without you knowing or finding out.

He’s been sly, because he wanted to go.

I’d message him ‘enjoy the party?’ And leave it there.

sneakysnoopysniper · 02/01/2021 10:54

Apart from it being against CV restrictions it sounds like your friends are a pretty immature group. The way I was brought up it was pretty bad manners to organize a group event but just leave one person out. I would never have done it but some people are ignorant.

This happened to me in one workplace. A woman (Ill call her Glenys) was having a flat warming party and asked everybody except me! Thing was, I had worked with her a few years earlier and invited her to my night out for my birthday. However in the intervening years I had taken professional qualifications whereas Glenys had never taken exams and had not moved on in the professional sense. Technically I was now her senior so there was obviously some jealousy there.

I decided to teach Glenys a lesson in manners so I turned up on her doorstep with two other workmates and a bottle of wine. What could she say? "You were not invited" in front of everyone? I know I spoiled the evening for her. I even proposed a toast to her new home and wished her every happiness. Her face was like a mask!

I was longing for her to challenge me as I had a little speech made up about it being a "misunderstanding" and assuming it to be "a general invitation as leaving one person out was considered very rude in the circles where I grew up." However she said nothing.

The following week was my last as I was returning to my full time exams course. I arranged a night out with drinks followed by a club. I made a point of inviting a group of people, of whom Glenys was one. I announced that those who did not fancy the club were still welcome to join us for drinks.

"I arranged it that way so there is something for everyone as I dont believe in leaving people out. Thats not what we do where I came from."

Glenys turned on her heel and walked off to puzzled glances from her co-workers. Needless to say she did not come to the night out, even though she was invited. I never saw her after |I left that department.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 02/01/2021 10:58

His loyalty is to the host. Is she an ex?

CheetasOnFajitas · 02/01/2021 10:58

I can’t believe you are focusing on him not telling you about the party. The fact that he went to a party at all would be enough to reason to end the relationship with the Covidiot twat. (Though haven’t you also been breaking rules by getting together with him in the first place?)

Cam77 · 02/01/2021 10:59

Doesn’t sound like there’s much of a relationship to end. I wouldn’t bother with the drama of ending it. It’s actually really weird of that guy to go without you even have being invited. They’re obviously not bothered about you knowing about it, they just didn’t want to invite you. They all sound like pricks.

Livpool · 02/01/2021 11:02

Dump the guy. He has shown you where his loyalties lie.

And the rest of them sound pretty awful

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 02/01/2021 11:03

This is hurtful, whether you would have gone or not. I don't see why this has turned into the usual covid moral dilemna.... He isn't a keeper. Certainly not the sort of bloke it would be a good idea to have kids with. He's shown you who he is, sadly :(

TheNoodlesIncident · 02/01/2021 11:08

@soopedup Brilliant posts, sensible and dignified. Very wise!

BigFatLiar · 02/01/2021 11:10

Daft to have a party.
However
Perhaps he thought you'd be there.
or
He wanted to go but knew you wouldn't so didn't say anything.

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