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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have a third?!

138 replies

Whynothaveathird · 01/01/2021 11:53

I have two beautiful healthy dc, a boy and a girl.

Ever since my youngest was born, I’ve had more comments than I can count along the lines of ‘you’re done now, you’ve completed the set, one of each’ etc etc.

I’ve always wanted three/four children. Now we have two, I’m 100% not ‘done’ yet but don’t think I could do a fourth.

Everyone I’ve mildly corrected about my plans for a third has either been shocked, bemused, or genuinely curious that I would feel the need to have more. We are financially, emotionally, physically fine etc. And yes I know I’m lucky - not a day goes by that I don’t think how lucky I am to have the children I do - but why on Earth would that make me feel I need to stop?

Am I really bu to have a third?

Ps I’m totally having a third, just want to sense check quite how mad the hive thinks I am 😂

OP posts:
Terracottasaur · 01/01/2021 11:56

I think it’s more unusual now - for various reasons (environmental impact, high cost of living, global uncertainty etc) people are having fewer children than they used to. But that doesn’t mean any one individual won’t make the decision to have more, and I think people are rude to comment on it either way!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/01/2021 12:00

Regardless of boy/girl mix I wouldn’t have a third. Everything gets diluted the more children there are, time, money, privacy etc. Having grown up in a large family I’d never repeat it myself.

Whilst you may be stable now that could easily change overnight. Relationships can break down, illness strike etc.

I’d also be putting no extra strain on the nhs currently given the crisis it’s in,

CounsellorTroi · 01/01/2021 12:04

Genuine question - what would be so awful about not having a third child given you already have two?

Thelnebriati · 01/01/2021 12:09

What if you have 3 and crave another? We all have to face having our last child.

Oysterbabe · 01/01/2021 12:10

Having a child is about the worst thing you can do for the environment so I'd say YABU, 2 is plenty.

Coldandcross · 01/01/2021 12:12

It’s funny because I feel the opposite - the pressure to have a third and not stop at two! I’ve just found out that my second is going to be a girl, so I’ll have one of each, and I feel the relief that people don’t judge when I say I’m going to stop at 2. I am the third child, my husband and all of our friends are one of three, but it does feel like a generational shift as I now know a lot more twos.

I’d say it’s your decision only - if you feel comfortable and you want it then go for it! Never make a decision based off what other people think or approve of!!

formerbabe · 01/01/2021 12:13

If you want one, have one. Three dc isn't so unusual.

Liverbird77 · 01/01/2021 12:13

If you feel like this, and feel able to do it, go for it!
I also have two, a boy and a girl, and I would love more.
We've decided to stop at two because of age...I am 43. We think we'd be pushing our luck because we have two beautiful kids with no health issues. We can't risk upsetting their lives.
If we had started five years earlier, we'd definitely have had at least one,bid not two or three more.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 01/01/2021 12:14

@Oysterbabe

Having a child is about the worst thing you can do for the environment so I'd say YABU, 2 is plenty.
This.

Given the pandemic and climate change, why would you seriously have a third?

Dreamingofkfc · 01/01/2021 12:15

I’ve got three, all boys and love it. They are close in age and get on really well. I would say it’s more normal to have three, I know plenty of people with 3 whereas growing up it was lots of families with 2. Yes things can get diluted, but seeing them all play together and enjoy each other is one of the best things. Go for it!

Greenbks · 01/01/2021 12:15

YANBU, it is a personal choice that you and your partner decide on. You don’t push your opinions on others for example if they say they are done at two you wouldn’t say really? How could you be done that’s not a real family etc so not sure why others feel this it is appropriate to say you’re done at two.

You’ll get a range of people on here - the idiots will bang on about two children families but please do what you want to.

flattyres · 01/01/2021 12:17

I am a great believer in sometimes being thankful for what you have. In your case 2 healthy DC. I have a severely disabled child - nothing that could be diagnosed prenatally. I never thought it could to me but it did. It ruined my marriage, my carrier and destroyed me financially.

if you have 2 healthy DC I would be grateful for what I have and enjoy life.

aprilanne · 01/01/2021 12:17

Well there are worst things for the planet and why would that be a consideration for most folk .if you afford it then yes have as many children as you like it's your business. I had 3 and no one suffered.

WankPuffins · 01/01/2021 12:18

I had my third this year.

I honestly thought I was pushing my luck. I've got a teenage Ds and a 6 year old Dd. I'm 40. I worried all through pregnancy.

She's wonderful. I'm so glad we decided to go for it, even though most people thought we were crazy as Ds was about to turn 18.

Blogdog · 01/01/2021 12:19

Three is the norm where I live OP! If you want a third, and have the financial and mental/emotional capacity to provide for another, then why not.

PinkPlantCase · 01/01/2021 12:20

It isn’t really anyone else’s business OP Smile

Swaddlemeinplants · 01/01/2021 12:20

I have three, now don’t get me wrong I absolutely adore all them but it’s been so, so, so much harder than I ever imagined and I do think comments like ‘what would be so awful about a third when you already have two’ are very misleading.

It might be okay if the third turns out super placid but my third is by far the liveliest of my children (and the other two were a handful to begin with!) and has a real defiant/naughty streak.

He’s better now he’s older but he is still a real handful, the sort of child easily bored and causes absolute havoc unless constantly occupied.
I feel like I’ve aged 20 years since he was born.
Up until he was about three and half he would have me in tears daily from throwing things, breaking things, climbing up everything, hitting, kicking, you name it and having the two other children just makes it even worse.

Not a day goes by here where they don’t bicker about something or other and I struggle to get through the day without shouting.
It’s utterly draining, I feel awful for the neighbours having to listen to it all, guilty for being a horrible stressed out, shouty parent and frankly, I don’t understand how parents of 3, 4 + children cope.

So no, I don’t think three is a smart idea at all.

SnuggyBuggy · 01/01/2021 12:21

I think people can have very fixed ideas of what a normal family is. Two adults and two children does seem to be the default especially when it's a boy and a girl with a small age gap.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/01/2021 12:24

God I hate the boy/ girl approval from the public- I have two girls and I’m 100% done, even if my midwife did suggest I could “ try again” for a boy Hmm

No way would I have a third, another lot of nursery fees, the car would be a squeeze, everything just becomes more expensive and takes more thought. But I don’t care if someone else can handle 3

yellow25 · 01/01/2021 12:26

YANBU at all! What a gift a 3rd child could be to you and your children. I am one of 5 and my parents managed to give us all the attention and love we needed. Yes, we went without designer trainers and abroad holidays, but wouldn't swap each other for anything. If you don't at least try, the what ifs could plague you forever. All the best with whatever you decide.

passthemustard · 01/01/2021 12:27

It's not really anyone else's business. Three is pretty normal. I've just given birth to my 5th. I got lots of comments when I announced I was pregnant with my 4th so I Kept my 5th pregnancy quiet until he was born. You do you.

flattyres · 01/01/2021 12:27

We are financially, emotionally, physically fine etc.

that can change very quickly. Would you also be stable if you or DH became seriously ill, lost your jobs?

Charles11 · 01/01/2021 12:29

If you have a relaxed attitude, don’t get easily stressed and can embrace the chaos of early years, you’ll love it.

grey12 · 01/01/2021 12:29

The greatest majority of families I knew growing up had 2 kids and I always thought of having 2 kids. DH convinced me to have the third Grin

Got all the same comments as you, just ignore them and do what you feel like. What I've learned from inlaws is that if you think of having another child just do it! You'll probably regret it if you don't

Just remember that with 3 you need a different car (regular cars don't fot 3 carseats), possibly different house....

bringle · 01/01/2021 12:31

I don't see the issue with having 3.

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