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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have a third?!

138 replies

Whynothaveathird · 01/01/2021 11:53

I have two beautiful healthy dc, a boy and a girl.

Ever since my youngest was born, I’ve had more comments than I can count along the lines of ‘you’re done now, you’ve completed the set, one of each’ etc etc.

I’ve always wanted three/four children. Now we have two, I’m 100% not ‘done’ yet but don’t think I could do a fourth.

Everyone I’ve mildly corrected about my plans for a third has either been shocked, bemused, or genuinely curious that I would feel the need to have more. We are financially, emotionally, physically fine etc. And yes I know I’m lucky - not a day goes by that I don’t think how lucky I am to have the children I do - but why on Earth would that make me feel I need to stop?

Am I really bu to have a third?

Ps I’m totally having a third, just want to sense check quite how mad the hive thinks I am 😂

OP posts:
bringle · 01/01/2021 12:32

Given the pandemic and climate change, why would you seriously have a third?

why have 1 or 2 though?

Aria2015 · 01/01/2021 12:33

@Whynothaveathird I've had the opposite. I recently had my second and I have one of each too. I've been surprised by how many people have asked me if I'm having any more and even the doctors and the midwives at the hospital were talking about me having another. I even commented to my husband how I've had more people ask me if I'll have a third child than I did about having a second after my first was born!

Anyway, I'm happy with two, plus I'm getting too old now (40 this year) but if you feel like you want one more then go for it!

Hellothere19999 · 01/01/2021 12:33

Do what ya want. It’s annoying that people comment at all tbh, I’m done at one. I want my life back and time with my partner. Everyone is different.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 01/01/2021 12:35

@bringle

Given the pandemic and climate change, why would you seriously have a third?

why have 1 or 2 though?

Well it is a good question, but as they are already here there isn't much more to be done! At least 2 is the replacement level, 3 is adding more.
newyearisnewtome · 01/01/2021 12:39

Totally up to you and your husband. If you want a third baby then go for it!

WankPuffins · 01/01/2021 12:39

[quote Aria2015]@Whynothaveathird I've had the opposite. I recently had my second and I have one of each too. I've been surprised by how many people have asked me if I'm having any more and even the doctors and the midwives at the hospital were talking about me having another. I even commented to my husband how I've had more people ask me if I'll have a third child than I did about having a second after my first was born!

Anyway, I'm happy with two, plus I'm getting too old now (40 this year) but if you feel like you want one more then go for it![/quote]
While the doctor was sewing me up after my third section he was saying he'd be happy for me to have one or two more Shock

My midwife later told me the look on my face was one of pure horror Grin

SleepingStandingUp · 01/01/2021 12:40

I have 3 and that's not unusual where I live. And for those lambasting me on killing the Earth, no3 wasn't my fault.

Of my school friendship group I've 3, another had 3, one has 2, one has 4 (big gap between 1 and 2), one has 3 (decent gap between 1 and 2),and one has 1.

Iwonder08 · 01/01/2021 12:48

If you don't care about giving them financial stability, potentially private education,oat importantly enough attention and time rather than just keeping them fed and alive by all means go ahead and have 3 or 5.
I take it all back if you are independently wealthy and neither you or your husband has to work full time

bringle · 01/01/2021 12:50

If you don't care about giving them financial stability, potentially private education,oat importantly enough attention and time rather than just keeping them fed and alive by all means go ahead and have 3 or 5.

This isn't all a given if you only have 2. My kids are in a prep but my no means do I consider it essential.

PattyPan · 01/01/2021 12:50

Yabu, having one less child is the best thing you can do for the environment. It will help preserve the earth for the children you already have, and their children.

bringle · 01/01/2021 12:51

At least 2 is the replacement level, 3 is adding more

2 isn't the replacement level in the UK though hence why we actually need immigration.

Bluesmartiesandpandapop · 01/01/2021 12:55

My third child was unplanned. A lot of people feel like they should be due that explanation. As though planning to have a third child would have been selfish and ridiculous. He's my biggest joy, honestly. He's a sweet child with a very calm nature, and has bought out the best in my ADHD child, too. He completes our family. Of all the choices I have made in my life, he is one I will never regret. Even when he's stroppy and moneys tight and I have had no sleep. People used to have lots more kids than that. I grew up in a big family and am so happy to have siblings to spend time with now. Yes it made some interesting Christmas bubble discussions! But it's good to know that no matter what happens I am not alone. When my parents die I will not have to go through that alone. I am grateful for them.

grey12 · 01/01/2021 13:12

@bringle

If you don't care about giving them financial stability, potentially private education,oat importantly enough attention and time rather than just keeping them fed and alive by all means go ahead and have 3 or 5.

This isn't all a given if you only have 2. My kids are in a prep but my no means do I consider it essential.

Soooo if someone can't provide private education for one child then they shouldn't reproduce?! Let's kill off all poor people! Power to the rich!! Hmm
Fieldofyellowflowers · 01/01/2021 13:14

If you want to have a third, have a third. Ignore the people saying that you should stop at two. As you can see from a lot of comments on this thread, some people just love projecting their beliefs on others. The people telling you not to have a third because it's bad for the environment probably jetted off abroad on holiday quite frequently before covid which is also bad for the environment.

D4rwin · 01/01/2021 13:22

My hv used to say the third one is the best one. Hopefully not to her own three of course Grin

CloseEncountersOfTheTurdKind · 01/01/2021 13:25

Three kids is great, our 3rd was a big surprise but really glad we've got her! You can fit 3 car seats in some cars, we have a Citroen Picasso and can get three car seats next to each other in it.
The first year was really hard, but now I wouldn't change anything

bringle · 01/01/2021 13:27

@grey12 was that too me?

Kinkybutkind · 01/01/2021 13:30

I have four and I wouldn’t change them for the world... I do however have significant and devastating injuries directly as a result of carrying too many big babies. I was ok ish after two, things got a bit tricky after the third but the fourth (11lb 9) was the one that tipped everything over the edge metaphorically speaking. I would seriously consider a women’s health check up before contemplating another pregnancy. It doesn’t happen to everyone but it CAN and does happen, and despite what you might be told by lazy HCPs it isn’t “normal” and has a significant impact on life emotionally & physically.

Northernmummy80 · 01/01/2021 13:36

I have this debate constantly in my head, we have a girl and boy too and these are the pros and cons I have so far:

Pro:

  • Another baby would be nice and having that feeling of I’m done / I can enjoy it all even more knowing they are my last.
  • Older siblings will always have someone to play with if another one is out or on a play date
  • it’s just an urge I have, we both have larger families and having 2 doesn’t seem right. Worried I might regret it in 10 years when it’s too late.

Cons

  • cars, this stresses me out how you get three car seats in a car
  • the added expense of nursery / childcare cost and prolonging this
  • holidays with 3 kids where most rooms are set up for 2 adults and 2 kids

All the pros are pretty much heart and the cons are head. We are leaning more towards a third, or a dog 😂🤣

Rafflesway · 01/01/2021 13:37

@flattyres

I am a great believer in sometimes being thankful for what you have. In your case 2 healthy DC. I have a severely disabled child - nothing that could be diagnosed prenatally. I never thought it could to me but it did. It ruined my marriage, my carrier and destroyed me financially.

if you have 2 healthy DC I would be grateful for what I have and enjoy life.

flattyres. You are so right!

We too have a severely disabled - learning difficulties, not physical - now adult dd. We were very lucky inasmuch as we managed to stay together but it did destroy my career and financially it nearly ruined us 20 years ago. Thank God we came through it and are now retired, very financially stable again and our dd lives close to us with 24 hour care and is very, very happy but I always think just as you do. There but for the grace of God this could happen to anyone.

OP, in your shoes - driven by my own experience - I would feel totally blessed with the two you have and not risk your lovely lives with a third.
You just never know what is around the corner and especially in these awful times.

Toilenstripes · 01/01/2021 13:41

I always thought two was the norm but on MN it seems a majority have 3-4. It’s depressing really, what with the environmental impact and uncertain Financial Times. Also, more and more people are suffering with anxiety due to the state of the world.

Kerberos · 01/01/2021 13:45

We have three and wouldn't change it (DP would have stopped at 2 but I talked him round). It's hard work but gets easier as they get older.

Do what's right for you.

Some parents stop at 1, some at 2, some 3 and some more than that. Others choose not to be parents at all. Our average in the UK is somewhere between 2 and 3.

Kerberos · 01/01/2021 13:47

Ha. Just read above. Yes holidays are harder. Hotel rooms for 5 are a rarity. When they were small we could fit one in a cot bed, now the youngest is 11 there is no chance so we usually book 2 rooms - not that we go anywhere anymore :(

missmouse101 · 01/01/2021 13:59

I just can't understand why anyone nowadays ever contemplates this. The environmental impact is so severe, over population is decimating the planet and we are facing massive environmental problems. The planet does not need more people. Poor mental health is a huge problem and could be worsened by the toll that having 3 children might take. Many, many people regret having a third. Just quit while you're ahead, count your blessings, be content. Two is plenty for anyone. We have to be responsible.

MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee · 01/01/2021 14:08

We are two - one of each both are small still. I think in my heart I would like another, but my head says stop now - we won’t roll the dice and risk it again - count the blessings of two healthy children and help the environment a bit

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