Aibu to have a third?!

[Whynothaveathird]

I have two beautiful healthy dc, a boy and a girl.

Ever since my youngest was born, I’ve had more comments than I can count along the lines of ‘you’re done now, you’ve completed the set, one of each’ etc etc.

I’ve always wanted three/four children. Now we have two, I’m 100% not ‘done’ yet but don’t think I could do a fourth.

Everyone I’ve mildly corrected about my plans for a third has either been shocked, bemused, or genuinely curious that I would feel the need to have more. We are financially, emotionally, physically fine etc. And yes I know I’m lucky - not a day goes by that I don’t think how lucky I am to have the children I do - but why on Earth would that make me feel I need to stop?

Am I really bu to have a third?

Ps I’m totally having a third, just want to sense check quite how mad the hive thinks I am 😂

[quote bringle]@grey12 was that too me? [/quote]
No :p it was for the previous poster but I couldn't find the original comment

phew!

Given the pandemic and climate change, why would you seriously have a third?

why have 1 or 2 though?

To satisfy the maternal urge, presumably. Although apparently it hasn't been fully satisfied.

I just can't understand why anyone nowadays ever contemplates this. The environmental impact is so severe, over population is decimating the planet and we are facing massive environmental problems. The planet does not need more people. Poor mental health is a huge problem and could be worsened by the toll that having 3 children might take. Many, many people regret having a third. Just quit while you're ahead, count your blessings, be content. Two is plenty for anyone. We have to be responsible.

It's not a straightforward argument & the point still stands to have 1 or 2 is not responsible. What's the importance of replacement?

Yes having another child impacts the planet however this ignores that global policy is changing. Our children should have smaller footprints eg more electrical cars.

I have 3 and their lives are very much enhanced by each other. It's great to have more than ine sibling.

@Iwonder08

If you don't care about giving them financial stability, potentially private education,oat importantly enough attention and time rather than just keeping them fed and alive by all means go ahead and have 3 or 5. I take it all back if you are independently wealthy and neither you or your husband has to work full time

It's beyond offensive to suggest only the independently wealthy can do more than "keep alive" 3+ children. I have 3, I can assure we do more than throw gruel into their cages twice a day

It’s entirely up to you.

But it’s a fairly normal thing to do, so I don’t know why anyone would be gobsmacked.

Quite a lot more work though, as you can’t man mark

I have three, I really love it. I grew up in a big family and enjoy a busy noisy happy home.

We are vegan. Run one environmentally friendly car. Don’t fly much. I’m putting a lot of work into making sure my children are environmentally aware and suspect that on balance we work out ok vs many two child families in terms of footprint.

And surely mental health is for each individual to assess, I don’t believe it’s more likely to decline after three than one or two?!

What if your “third” is twins? Or a child with special needs? Would you still want a third in those circumstances... if the answer is still yes then go for it.

@LouiseTrees

What if your “third” is twins? Or a child with special needs? Would you still want a third in those circumstances... if the answer is still yes then go for it.

But lots of people would answer no for their second or first too, when people say they want their first so you ask the same question?

Will admit twins dear is why I wouldn't go for our 4th tho

We have 3 and I’m pregnant with number 4. I absolutely love our family. We’ve both got good jobs and could live off either of our salaries if needed. We have enough bedrooms and a big enough car and plenty of love and attention to go round.

My only reservation is the environmental impact. We do our best, reusing, 2nd hand stuff, wooden toys, cloth nappies, growing our own veg, only one electric car and cycling as much as we can but yeah - I feel bad - I know it would have been better not to have any kids from an environmental point of view but I will at least bring them up to be eco conscious.

My kids are the best things in my life.

It’s interesting, I guess I just don’t plan my life around negative what if scenarios - I consider then of course, and weigh up likelihood and consequences etc - but the risk of a third baby for me having additional needs etc is very low. So that wouldn’t be a reason for me to not have a third.

And if it was twins - part of me would get the four I’ve always wanted but likely would never go for

@SleepingStandingUp not on their first no because you don’t have other kids to consider in your choice but for someone having their second yes I would ask the same question

I am the middle of 3 and all through growing up I bloody hated being the middle child.
Not given the freedom and priviledges of being the eldest .
Not being the baby like the youngest .

Oldest (sis) his herself away studying. Youngest( bro) used to go out to play .
So I got lumbered with cooking etc .
I shared a room with Sis but got booted out most of the time .

I envied friends in 1-2 child families .
And vowed only to have 2 myself.

Obviously this experience has made me the all round wonderful person that I am, and middle child is a born to be balanced and compromise .
Years of fighting not to sit in the middle seat has given me sharp elbows

As long as you can financially, physically and emotionally care for them, you can have as many kids as you like and people should mind their own business.

I do judge people like my mother who should definitely have stopped at 2, but went on to have 5 in total which they couldn’t afford with either mo way or time and we suffered as a result.

You sound like you have it sorted though OP, so don’t worry if others don’t approve. It’s not them who have to raise the kids!

*money

[quote LouiseTrees]@SleepingStandingUp not on their first no because you don’t have other kids to consider in your choice but for someone having their second yes I would ask the same question[/quote]
So no one should have a 2nd unless they're happy with disabled triplets is your logic?

I want three too (currently pregnant on number 2) it’s of no concern to others and I find it odd that people would judge for it if you can afford them. By afford I mean feed clothe and reasonably accommodate them not send them to private school or fancy holidays as I don’t feel these are necessary for a lovely upbringing. You could also be struck down ill with two or lose a job so I wouldn’t let that worry me! Do what you and your husband want to do, if you try live by other peoples expectations it’s impossible to please everyone so you may as well please yourselves!

I would have loved to have three or four. Had my heart set on it - I had twins and my son was diagnosed as ASD quite young with reasonably high needs (think still in nappies at age 11). Then it became clear that his twin sister also had difficulties and she finally got her diagnosis last year.

I couldn't have another baby when my two DC need me so much. I put it off and put it off and then it became clear that their development was so far off what you'd normally expect, it wasn't ever going to be feasible. I'm now 45 so it's a no-go. It's been hard to get over not having a third. I was a single mum with twins, they were very premature and I had a terminally ill dad at the time so I yearned for a different pregnancy and birth experience but hey, never mind.

So absolutely. If you're in a position to be able to deal with any bumps in the road I would 1000% go ahead - and I wish you all the luck in the world for being in such a wonderful position ❤️

Well to be fair no one is obliged to continue a multiples pregnancy regardless of how many children they already have.

If you want 3 then have 3. If you want 4 then have 4. If you want 10 then have 10. Do what you want. No need to come on to MN and have a humble brag about how you can keep having as many babies as you want. Both biologically and financially.

I struggle to understand why anyone would want one let alone three. You've already said you're going to do it and aren't bothered about possible negative scenarios so crack on .

@Whynothaveathird

It’s interesting, I guess I just don’t plan my life around negative what if scenarios - I consider then of course, and weigh up likelihood and consequences etc - but the risk of a third baby for me having additional needs etc is very low. So that wouldn’t be a reason for me to not have a third.

And if it was twins - part of me would get the four I’ve always wanted but likely would never go for

Are you counting climate change/environmental impact as a "negative what if scenario"? Or just ignoring that completely?

I have 3, all close together and we were always going to have 3 as both me and my DH are from families of 3.

But other posters are right, it is hard. It’s hard to give them all the attention I want and they deserve. Things like homework are testing because they are all at the age they need help and when there is only 1 of me it’s just not possible. Financially the increase in fees for things x 3 is a hit, I know it’s all extra stuff but things like swimming cost a fortune when you add another child in.

I don’t think I would have ever not had 3, even if I knew now what I didn’t know then.

But do be prepared for the additional cost and demands on your time, it’s relentless. Though maybe not as bad if they are spaced out a little more perhaps, I had 3 in 4 years.

@SnuggyBuggy

Well to be fair no one is obliged to continue a multiples pregnancy regardless of how many children they already have.

Having an abortion because you have two healthy babies instead of one when you've planned and worked hard to get pregnant is a far more loaded idea than people on here act like it is. We had meds to help us concieve with a low but increased risk of non identical twins. Got pregnant after several years of trying. Identical twins (so not even medication twins). I couldn't have lived with myself if we'd fine "nah, wrong type of babies, let's try again!"