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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In laws just obsessed

170 replies

MatildaSoul · 01/01/2021 09:21

Just want to say before this post - I am so happy that my baby has such loving and 'hands on' family and going forward this will be lovely for him, I am aware of this but currently I'm finding it hard to deal with so looking to vent,

My baby is 3 months old and my in laws are still absolutely obsessed with him, in a completely unmanageable way for me as if he was born 2 mins ago! I feel like they want him to BELONG to them, when if he is anybody's he is mine! haha.

I'd like to say also that my baby was a surprise when I had the coil fitted and in-laws weren't exactly supportive of me during my pregnancy so this big flip in their affection for him has been quite difficult for my head to deal with!

When they see us they still have to all "have a hold" of my baby which winds me up but I try and take the break and let them. But it doesn't seem to go through anybodies head when it's been an hour to think to give him back to his mother so I always have to say I'll take him back. Every time MIL holds him she always gives him to someone else if she has to get up and do something, I am breastfeeding so when he's at their house I use it as a way to take him back and just take him in the other room.

My BIL is in his late teens and he has never been around a baby before so just does not know how to go on at all. I think they will have a lovely relationship when LO is a bit older. We were close before my pregnancy and he hardly spoke to me when I was pregnant but now he tells my partner things like "i love your boy more than life itself" which is lovely albeit very intense! I find this relationship difficult as I am constantly telling him "don't touch babies mouth" "don't pull his dummy out when he's asleep" "he's obviously tired so if you stop touching his face he can go to sleep". He literally pets him like a dog it drives me insane I have to constantly watch him when he's holding LO and tell him what not to do. He has literally tried to wake him up to play with him to the point where the baby cried in his sleep from being touched etc and I took him off him and he slept for 2 hours more!

I have left them alone with my baby twice and both times have come back to his nappy not being changed the full time I was away (hours). If he wakes up from a nap, there are like 5 adults in his face staring and touching him, poor baby! I constantly am saying things like just leave him, i'll take him now please and stuff but they seem to love him in such a selfish way. The pressure for them to see him is unbelievable, I do try to ignore and I am always pulling them up on things but it's getting to a point where it's really winding me up and making me anxious. I do want to keep the peace but know if it starts effecting my baby i'll have to say something more! I've told my partner and he says anything I ask him to to them to back me up about these things that upset me but it doesn't seem to be enough, they'll stop doing one thing but start doing another so it seems pointless. Suppose I just wanted a little vent on here, I don't want people to get me wrong I do appreciate them to an extent but also whilst my baby is so little they literally all want to mother him, and that's my job haha!

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 01/01/2021 09:23

Are you living with them?

Sparkletastic · 01/01/2021 09:24

You need to see a lot less of them.

Bluntness100 · 01/01/2021 09:24

Maybe try to relax op, you sound super anxious. Is this your first baby, it sounds like it is.

FelicityPike · 01/01/2021 09:26

Stop taking him round to visit or very strictly limit the length of the visit...say 60 minutes Max.
If you live with them, then I’d be very quickly finishing somewhere else to live!

PersonaNonGarter · 01/01/2021 09:27

In the nicest way, I think YABU.

But in all honesty AIBU is probably not the place for this post as you sound quite fragile and unrealistic.

You are clearly not Family Bonded with your in laws and are shocked and struggling with your baby’s identity as their much-loved grandchild/nephew.

Stop expecting people to read your mind. Just take the baby back when you want her. And ask them to change the nappy is they are looking after her.

AgnesNaismith · 01/01/2021 09:28

Maybe try to relax op, you sound super anxious. Is this your first baby, it sounds like it is.

What?? No she doesn’t...they seem to have no idea how to look after a baby. Maybe try to establish some boundaries OP.

hammeringinmyhead · 01/01/2021 09:29

You need to see them less, which means not keeping the peace unfortunately. There's not really another way of diluting their behaviour if, as you say, your partner is already backing you up.

It is his job to sort them out though really so I hope he doesn't just half-heartedly parrot what you tell him to. He needs to engage properly when you are taking the baby back etc.

TheSilentStars · 01/01/2021 09:32

They sound like typical doting grandparents. What does your husband say to them? It just sounds like you need to spend less time with them or leave your baby alone with them for less time.

WestSideBoom · 01/01/2021 09:34

Maybe try to relax op, you sound super anxious. Is this your first baby, it sounds like it is.
Bollocks. Babies aren't novelty toys for the entertainment of adults. You don't wake them when they are asleep because you want to play within them.

Where is their son/the baby's father in all of this. He need to be on your side,

You need to spend much less time with them. If you live with them rethink that as it's just not working. There is absolutely no need for them to have the baby when you aren't there. You are going to have to be more strident. He's your baby.

rainyskylight · 01/01/2021 09:36

Re the BIL, if he just doesn’t understand babies but is so interested and caring, why don’t you just tell him the basics so he can get it right rather than stress you out. Ie, babies have to sleep a lot because it is exhausting to grow, look see him rubbing his eyes etc etc. Can’t blame him for getting it wrong if this is the first baby he’s been around.

frazzledasarock · 01/01/2021 09:37

They sound crazy.

Don’t let baby sleep. Don’t change baby’s nappy when baby is left in their care.

No that’s detrimental to the babies health. I wouldn’t see them that much and I’d certainly not leave baby in their care till the child was potty trained and didn’t need naps in the day.

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 01/01/2021 09:38

OP you need to get boundaries, my MIL ruined the first year of my DD through her behaviour. I do accept some of it was PFB syndrome but her behaviour was bizaare. I think new grandparents struggle to check their emotions as sometimes they love the grandchildren like they did their own children and not knowing how to behave. Set some boundaries and see them less for now.

BooBahBoo · 01/01/2021 09:39

They sound awful. Putting their own selfish wants beyond the needs of a baby. Not changing nappies is disgusting and waking a baby up to pet them like a dog is just weirdly obsessive. I wouldn't be seeing them much, if at all for a while.

Baby comes first and they need to grow up and stop treating the baby like a play thing.

raffle · 01/01/2021 09:40

I’m surprised you are surprised that they still ask to have a hold now the baby is 3 months Grin This goes on for a good while yet!

WankPuffins · 01/01/2021 09:42

Maybe try to relax op, you sound super anxious. Is this your first baby, it sounds like it is.

Well, I'm currently sat here with my 3rd baby and if anyone had tried that shit even once they would have been told to fuck off.

Babies don't need people in their faces all the time. They need calm and their parents.

Kanaloa · 01/01/2021 09:43

If BIL is in his late teens then surely he knows you can’t put your hands in a babies mouth or take its dummy out while it sleeps. My 5yo would know not to take out a baby’s dummy while it was sleeping.

Can you get them to visit you at your home for short periods? Then you aren’t overwhelmed with them.

Positivevibesonlyplease · 01/01/2021 09:43

What about COVID regulations? Aren’t you afraid they may pass on something? This is too much IMO. Keep your distance - you can blame it on Boris.

SimplyRadishing · 01/01/2021 09:45

What does your husband have to say about his parents leaving his first born sitting in their own piss for 5 hours? Or poking him awake when he is trying to sleep?

Does he think that it's fine

Veterinari · 01/01/2021 09:47

Apart from leaving in a dirty nappy (not ok!) I can't really see what they're doing wrong?

Is your baby upset or distressed at them touching/holding/talking to him?
If not then what's the problem?

They do sound rather intense but I think this is just a difference in approaches, not that anyone is doing something wrong

daisypond · 01/01/2021 09:47

Can’t you see less of them? Use covid as a reason - no mixing indoors, social distancing etc.

Hapixmas · 01/01/2021 09:49

I knew it wouldn't be long for someone to mention Covid. When op hasn't even said where they live in the world, or if they live with the in laws, or if they are in a support bubble!

Back to the topic though. I also think you sound a bit anxious too. I'm surprised that you think grandparents wouldn't want a hold. Also, your BIL is young so probably just doesn't understand, I'm sure if you explain then he won't put his hands near the baby.
I thought it was normal for grandparents to be doting ?!

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 01/01/2021 09:49

Assuming you don't live with them, and are in the UK, I'd start being more observant of covid guidance - they won't see him unless outside; solves the problem for the next few months.

Hapixmas · 01/01/2021 09:54

@SimplyRadishing

What does your husband have to say about his parents leaving his first born sitting in their own piss for 5 hours? Or poking him awake when he is trying to sleep?

Does he think that it's fine

She didn't say 5 hours.
Hapixmas · 01/01/2021 09:56

I feel like they want him to BELONG to them, when if he is anybody's he is mine! haha.

He is yours AND your partner's. You don't own him, you both do.

And don't worry he is yours and your partners. That won't change.
But if you're uncomfortable then he will have to say something to his parents.

Iwonder08 · 01/01/2021 09:56

Where is your husband in all of this? It is actually irrelevant if you are unreasonable, it clearly causes you anxiety. Your husband needs to gently talk to his family and ask them to back of a bit until the baby is a bit older. It is fine to hold him every now and then, but they sound a bit intense

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