In laws just obsessed

[MatildaSoul]

Just want to say before this post - I am so happy that my baby has such loving and 'hands on' family and going forward this will be lovely for him, I am aware of this but currently I'm finding it hard to deal with so looking to vent,

My baby is 3 months old and my in laws are still absolutely obsessed with him, in a completely unmanageable way for me as if he was born 2 mins ago! I feel like they want him to BELONG to them, when if he is anybody's he is mine! haha.

I'd like to say also that my baby was a surprise when I had the coil fitted and in-laws weren't exactly supportive of me during my pregnancy so this big flip in their affection for him has been quite difficult for my head to deal with!

When they see us they still have to all "have a hold" of my baby which winds me up but I try and take the break and let them. But it doesn't seem to go through anybodies head when it's been an hour to think to give him back to his mother so I always have to say I'll take him back. Every time MIL holds him she always gives him to someone else if she has to get up and do something, I am breastfeeding so when he's at their house I use it as a way to take him back and just take him in the other room.

My BIL is in his late teens and he has never been around a baby before so just does not know how to go on at all. I think they will have a lovely relationship when LO is a bit older. We were close before my pregnancy and he hardly spoke to me when I was pregnant but now he tells my partner things like "i love your boy more than life itself" which is lovely albeit very intense! I find this relationship difficult as I am constantly telling him "don't touch babies mouth" "don't pull his dummy out when he's asleep" "he's obviously tired so if you stop touching his face he can go to sleep". He literally pets him like a dog it drives me insane I have to constantly watch him when he's holding LO and tell him what not to do. He has literally tried to wake him up to play with him to the point where the baby cried in his sleep from being touched etc and I took him off him and he slept for 2 hours more!

I have left them alone with my baby twice and both times have come back to his nappy not being changed the full time I was away (hours). If he wakes up from a nap, there are like 5 adults in his face staring and touching him, poor baby! I constantly am saying things like just leave him, i'll take him now please and stuff but they seem to love him in such a selfish way. The pressure for them to see him is unbelievable, I do try to ignore and I am always pulling them up on things but it's getting to a point where it's really winding me up and making me anxious. I do want to keep the peace but know if it starts effecting my baby i'll have to say something more! I've told my partner and he says anything I ask him to to them to back me up about these things that upset me but it doesn't seem to be enough, they'll stop doing one thing but start doing another so it seems pointless. Suppose I just wanted a little vent on here, I don't want people to get me wrong I do appreciate them to an extent but also whilst my baby is so little they literally all want to mother him, and that's my job haha!

@Bralessandfree because her other grandchildren called her mama (she brainwashed them as she was main carer 5 days a week) I was made to feel like I was being unreasonable and going against them.

I said I wouldn't mind but do not refer to me by mama first name to her! That's just not appropriate.

When my child started calling me mama she would (the one time in the month I would visit) be like "no that's mummy, not mama" my toddler started to detest her, and safe to say at 3 years old, my dd has never called her mama and calls her Gran lol.

My husband sided with me because he knew it was weird how she would make the other kids call her mama and he would argue and stop it in it's track which helped and he understood when I said I am limiting the weekly visits to monthly lol. Luckily this year we haven't seen them. And Gran is fully cemented lol

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

Assuming you don't live with them, and are in the UK, I'd start being more observant of covid guidance - they won't see him unless outside; solves the problem for the next few months.

Agree with this.

Can you explain your living situation OP?

If you live with them you need to make plans to move out. If you don't live with them, and are in UK, you shouldn't be going into their house so there's your perfect excuse to knock this shite on the head.

I think it it’s their first grandchild then they will be very doting and OTT. My parents were so happy when I had my first child. My mum was here constantly and the help was brilliant. However.... if it was my MIL I’m not so sure it would’ve been so welcomed. Try to remember that they just love him and don’t want to miss anything. If you’re uncomfortable then try to set boundaries or see less of them.

Poor OP wanted a nap!

Op didn't mention the reason why, hence why I asked

I would HATE this too OP. MIL should not be holding on to him for an hour then passing him to someone else. She’s not respecting the fact you have hormones raging and very strong instincts to keep him close to you. I couldn’t tolerate a MIL being so selfish and disrespectful. I would also hate my baby being manhandled by BIL like that and not being left alone to nap.

It’s perfectly natural to instinctively feel very protective of your baby. Ignore everyone telling you you’re being over anxious. It’s basic biology.

OP, why do you see so much of your in-laws?

Do you live with them OP?

Your post could have been mine when I had my eldest, my in-laws where really claustrophobic with her. I had to distance us a from them, it did work they backed off a little and it gave me a bit of breathing space with my baby.

YABU

You sound like a typical first time parent

Its absolutely natural, normal and appropriate for a baby to be almost exclusively in their parents' arms, and for the parents to be very protective, until the baby is at the stage where they can choose to move physically away from the parents - when they start crawling. Then the baby takes the lead on how much and for how long they go to other people, which naturally increases as the baby becomes a toddler, preschooler etc

That is just one theory of development - and one which many psychologists and sociologists think is horseshit. It is not how any traditional society raises small children, so it certainly isn't 'natural' to humans. In traditional societies, it is totally normal for babies to be held by and cared for by the extended family. The Western model of a a nuclear family, with the baby only having prolonged contact with its parents, is an anomaly and can cause intolerable pressures on the mother, in particular.

My sympathies are with the OP - she clearly needs to be able to assert boundaries and not let her ILs make her or the baby uncomfortable. But the idea that there is something unnatural about a baby having prolonged contact with the wider family is total crap.

Maybe try to relax op, you sound super anxious. Is this your first baby, it sounds like it is.

You sound like a typical first time parent

I have 5 children and would be equally unhappy with the behaviour described. The baby isn’t a toy and the adults in this family sound like they don’t care what the baby or mother feel like at all.

OP what’s the worst that can happen? You stop their nonsense and they think you’re overprotective? So what? I think they’re horrible. They’ll live if they have to accommodate you and their grandchild.

YANBU.

It’s a real struggle as a new Mum. I have no relationship with my in laws AT ALL. Despite knowing them for 10 years, we just have nothing in common, they never really included me and DH is an only child- when visiting they would only really talk to him. Just all a bit odd but it worked fine before Dd came along.

Then all of a sudden, you have this precious baby. And this woman that you have no relationship with is ‘entitled’ to hold/ spend time with your baby and is spending time in your home when you are at your most vulnerable. It’s very overwhelming. I found my in laws horribly judgemental when DD was a baby. It resulted in quite low contact. Now she’s older I just let DH take her over and that’s it.

You make the rules here. You’re the breastfeeding mother- you get to choose who holds your baby and how long for. Be assertive and do what makes you feel comfortable. Babies at this age don’t need to bond with anyone else but you and your partner- no matter what anyone else may like to think.

But the idea that there is something unnatural about a baby having prolonged contact with the wider family is total crap.
The idea that babies should be mauled and new mums sit dumbly unhappy so adult extended family can play is not natural at all. In a more “natural” set up the mother would be free to savage them and they would be busy surviving not easing their boredom by upsetting the next matriarch.

I too have read your other posts and you don't owe your PIL anything.

What's best for your baby is the loving and supportive house your mum has provided for you and your child. Your in-laws through you under a bus when you were pregnant and your BF and his brother treated you appallingly.

Your coil didn't work and your BF felt depressed whilst you were pregnant and didn't want the baby? Well how's about he grows the fuck up and used condoms then?

You don't owe any of them anything. They have caused you no end of stress and should be making it up to you with shovels.

Tell MIL to get to the back of the queue since she has been so unsupportive and make sure you cherish your own, supportive mum Zinfandel tell anyone who's got a problem with her letting you stay to FTFO.

Who the hell is Zinfandel?

I think Zinfandel is OPs warrior Mum name.

Oh for goodness sake. They are in-laws that love your son! Ok, they might not always get it right, but at least they take an interest. How wonderful that your son is cherished by his family members. So many kids would love to be raised in Such an environment. Your son will always be your son and no doubt you will come first in his affections for a long time to come. Relax and stop looking at the situation so negatively .

You need to cut back on their visits and the length of time. I totally get where your coming from and you being the mother need to be more assertive and put your foot down. I wish you luck.

Hang on.you left him between feeds while you had a nap and they didnt change the nappy.... how long actually was it? Was the nappy dirty or just wet? If hes in disposables and it's not dirty, a 3 month old can easily stay in a nappy 4 hours or so (surely he's in the same one overnight?!)

If it was dirty and they didnt change it, yabu.

It's quite normal for family to want to hold and cuddle a baby. When my mum comes I know full well the first thing she will do is pick up 16mo old DD for a cuddle.

It is unreasonable to wake a sleeping baby though.

In terms of taking a dummy out, do they agree with dummy use? I've seen people do this who hate seeing babies with dummies in, also as a way to wean a baby off using dummies by taking them out of their mouth after they go to sleep. Its not reasonable to go against a parent on that though. Perhaps chat and explain to them that you're happy with your decision to use dummies and don't want it removed from the babies mouth.

If it was dirty and they didnt change it, YANBU I mean!

This is happening now? Where do you live, OP? COVID rules are in your favour so use them.

Everyone pointing out they shouldn't be seeing them because of Covid rules... They can.
Since beginning of December, there has been a rule where if you have a child under 1, you can form a bubble with another household regardless of amount of members in the family.

I used to take my babies' dummies out once they were in a deep sleep as they would fall out anyway. Just tell them to "leave the dummy in, thanks". As for the nappy changes, if it's just during a nap between feeds then I don't see the problem. 3 months old have their nappies changed with a feed, don't they? I used to do mine after so unless they obviously dirtied their nappy and inlaws were ignoring a clearly dirty one then YABU to pick them up for that.

@SnooperTrooper12345

Everyone pointing out they shouldn't be seeing them because of Covid rules... They can. Since beginning of December, there has been a rule where if you have a child under 1, you can form a bubble with another household regardless of amount of members in the family.

Yes, but people are saying to use covid as an excuse- to help bolster the OP’s argument.

This is obviously your first baby, I can tell from a mile off- haha, oh how it changes with the second and third child.

My advice would to be aware of the fact you are quite hormonal, emotional and irrational for a bit of time after you have a baby- that is perfectly normal, however I often feel women forget how that was after their own child and so don’t see how they can accidentally be causing stress to someone who is a new parent.

My advice would to be to pick your battles- you want to ensure a good relationship is maintained as it will serve you ridiculously well in the future, trust me!

However don’t let them walk over you too. I’m not saying to start screaming at anyone or cause a row, but handle it how you would hope your child to if they was a adult. Sorry Susan (mil) I’m feeling rather stressed at the moment and just need to cuddle up on the sofa with baby for 10 minutes with some space, (take baby) thank you for being so supportive.

That’s the best way to tackle things, compliments whilst doing what you want.