In laws just obsessed

[MatildaSoul]

Just want to say before this post - I am so happy that my baby has such loving and 'hands on' family and going forward this will be lovely for him, I am aware of this but currently I'm finding it hard to deal with so looking to vent,

My baby is 3 months old and my in laws are still absolutely obsessed with him, in a completely unmanageable way for me as if he was born 2 mins ago! I feel like they want him to BELONG to them, when if he is anybody's he is mine! haha.

I'd like to say also that my baby was a surprise when I had the coil fitted and in-laws weren't exactly supportive of me during my pregnancy so this big flip in their affection for him has been quite difficult for my head to deal with!

When they see us they still have to all "have a hold" of my baby which winds me up but I try and take the break and let them. But it doesn't seem to go through anybodies head when it's been an hour to think to give him back to his mother so I always have to say I'll take him back. Every time MIL holds him she always gives him to someone else if she has to get up and do something, I am breastfeeding so when he's at their house I use it as a way to take him back and just take him in the other room.

My BIL is in his late teens and he has never been around a baby before so just does not know how to go on at all. I think they will have a lovely relationship when LO is a bit older. We were close before my pregnancy and he hardly spoke to me when I was pregnant but now he tells my partner things like "i love your boy more than life itself" which is lovely albeit very intense! I find this relationship difficult as I am constantly telling him "don't touch babies mouth" "don't pull his dummy out when he's asleep" "he's obviously tired so if you stop touching his face he can go to sleep". He literally pets him like a dog it drives me insane I have to constantly watch him when he's holding LO and tell him what not to do. He has literally tried to wake him up to play with him to the point where the baby cried in his sleep from being touched etc and I took him off him and he slept for 2 hours more!

I have left them alone with my baby twice and both times have come back to his nappy not being changed the full time I was away (hours). If he wakes up from a nap, there are like 5 adults in his face staring and touching him, poor baby! I constantly am saying things like just leave him, i'll take him now please and stuff but they seem to love him in such a selfish way. The pressure for them to see him is unbelievable, I do try to ignore and I am always pulling them up on things but it's getting to a point where it's really winding me up and making me anxious. I do want to keep the peace but know if it starts effecting my baby i'll have to say something more! I've told my partner and he says anything I ask him to to them to back me up about these things that upset me but it doesn't seem to be enough, they'll stop doing one thing but start doing another so it seems pointless. Suppose I just wanted a little vent on here, I don't want people to get me wrong I do appreciate them to an extent but also whilst my baby is so little they literally all want to mother him, and that's my job haha!

@NoProblem123

YABU.

Of course they should be able to hold the baby.
And no, you don’t own baby, or part own baby

What are you on about?

And whilst yes, you don’t actually “own” another person, this baby belongs to OP and her DH. The.grandparents don’t come into the equation. What OP and her DH says goes and the grandparents can just lump it.

YANBU see very little if them. And wherever you are in the world covid is real so no unnecessary touching faces /mouths etc

@Newdonewhugh

If you were able to read this without the pregnancy hormones and the stress caused by a new baby you might be smiling a long like I am. The more people that love your child, the more blessed he is. What a lucky kid! Relax x

Absolutely

Wow you a lot of intense replies! No i know I don't OWN the boy but considering he is my child whom I grew and care for every second of every day I think I gain the right to call him "my baby" (lol, dont you call your child "my son" or "my daughter"?)

Sounds like my MIL, I've had a baby 6 months ago she decided to come and live with us for a few weeks after the birth 🤦🏼‍♀️. Every time baby would cry she'd turn up into my bedroom to make sure she's ok. She said it felt as though she gave birth to the baby that's how much love she has for her. The baby apparently looks like his DH And BIL 😂 and she was trying to tell me to do things the way she used to raise DH 40 YEARS AGO! lol

I had to tell her that I feel stressed with her interference and that it's difficult having a baby aswell as having her around nitpicking at me.

When they see us they still have to all "have a hold" of my baby which winds me up but I try and take the break and let them

What on earth "winds you up" about your babies GPs having a cuddle? Perfectly normal. But this is MN lots of people hate in laws so you will get lots of support.

If you carry on like this you’re going to end up with a clingy baby who won’t go to anyone else

Absolute bollocks and not how attachment works at all.

I’m sorry you’ve had some shitty replies OP, you don’t sound neurotic at all. It’s perfectly normal and appropriate for the baby to be with you in your arms (or with their dad) for the vast majority of the time - it’s probably the best way to promote future independence by building a secure attachment now. It’s also completely normal that you don’t want others prodding and poking at your baby, waking them up for their own amusement, sticking their hands in baby’s mouth (wtf!!), removing their dummy when sleeping etc. Also completely normal that you’d think twice about leaving your baby with someone who doesn’t even think to change their nappy.

The only way you can resolve it is by being firm in your boundaries and if they still can’t respect that then seeing less of them.

YANBU see very little if them

How nasty.

@MatildaSoul

I read some of your other threads. They tried to pressure you for an abortion and are now OTT. I take back my comments, I think you should see waaaaaaay less of them.

So they are obsessed but don't actually care for him ie nappies and general basic care

My MIL was like this - it was awful. Unfortunately, I thought I was the unreasonable one and that I was being mean, so I didn't say a word. Things escalated. My PIL behaved like that because they are rude, selfish, entitled people and that behaviour has since come to a point where I'm no longer prepared to put up with it and am now NC (due to a, separate incident stemming from their rudeness and egos). I wish I'd spoken up and told them to fuck off at the start.

What about his father. Is he allowed to care for your baby?

I don’t think I could be upset about them wanting to hold dc, but I would be furious if a household full of adults had not managed a single nappy change in my absence.

They do seem selfish and ott and you don’t have to see them frequently if this makes you uncomfortable.

Why are you doing care 24/7? Where isDP? This is his issue- he seems to be abdicating responsibility and palming baby off to his family instead of caring for him himself.

Next time he goes to his his family you stay at home/go out/go see friends.

You need to get some clear boundaries and stick to them with your partner. Work out exactly what it is you want and don't want - how often are you happy to see them, what are you ok with them doing/not doing, what do you think is really inappropriate and must stop straight away. Agree if with your partner and then enforce it. Stop leaving your baby with people who won't care for him properly! Don't leave him if he's in the same wet nappy. PiL were a bit like this and kept going on about wanting to care for DD but didn't actually want to do the practical caring, just get me out the way to parade her to their friends and have people say how great they are (lots of issues with hard behaviour and not understanding basic milestones for children). They would pester to do childcare but then I found them trying to bath my newborn in freezing cold water, not following basic safety guidelines for car seats, baby not being changed or cleaned properly etc so now we use nursery.

I would reduce the amount of time I visit and only go for 1-2 hours when I do.

I would spend some time talking to BIL about baby and how to hold/look after etc.

I would let MIL hold baby and then ask for baby back as Baby needs a feed or whatever reason.

My dad is the best granddad ever but freaks out at nappy changes, because once baby weed and it went everywhere then he got in a faff changing baby’s clothes etc. He hadn’t changed a nappy for 30 years!

If you carry on like this you’re going to end up with a clingy baby who won’t go to anyone else

Wow.

Missed that one. My babies have been attached mainly to me 24/7. If not on or next to me then on or next to dh until they were older toddlers and happily skipped off to pre school.

It served my 18 year old and six year old well and am now raising my 4 month old the same way.

If I had a pound for everytime I was told I was damaging them in some way over the past 18 years, I'd be a very rich woman.

My inlaws were like this. The baby card they sent said, "Thank you for our darling granddaughter". I lost the plot at that and still resent it when they use similar terms. In the early days it felt very much like they had shares in the kids and I think at that particular time your hormones are in mumzilla mode and anyone claiming ownership of your child is a threat.

It happens to lots of women. No particular advice but it does get easier. Try to get partner to have a word and explain and don't be afraid to ask for extra support if you are still feeling anxious.

How come you left your baby with them for hours if they can't be trusted and have to be micromanaged?

[quote Lookslikerainted]**@MatildaSoul

I read some of your other threads. They tried to pressure you for an abortion and are now OTT. I take back my comments, I think you should see waaaaaaay less of them.[/quote]
Really they did that?
Well aren’t they delightful
I personally cannot stand grabby relatives with babies it’s all wrong. They aren’t toys.

@MatildaSoul
Your baby
Your rules

Incidentally COVID rules also apply so really you shouldn’t be seeing them for them to hold the baby at all

I left them with him in between feeds twice when i've went for a nap

It's so, so important to assert your boundaries from early on WRT your child otherwise this will carry on until he's a teenager.

A baby is not a pass the parcel present, OP isn't just a vessel who sits by while others paw at her baby. Follow your instinct OP, and if need be, take him in the other room for a feed or nap (even if he doesn't need one day he does). The fact you're concerned about this shows to me you're doing an amazing job, keep up the good work and do what is right for your baby. Instincts count for a lot!

@Notapheasantplucker

How come you left your baby with them for hours if they can't be trusted and have to be micromanaged?

Poor OP wanted a nap! Don't you remember how exhausting those early days were? I had no one except a useless husband and I'd have given my life savings to have a nap

@FrazzledChip

My inlaws were like this. The baby card they sent said, "Thank you for our darling granddaughter". I lost the plot at that and still resent it when they use similar terms. In the early days it felt very much like they had shares in the kids and I think at that particular time your hormones are in mumzilla mode and anyone claiming ownership of your child is a threat.

It happens to lots of women. No particular advice but it does get easier. Try to get partner to have a word and explain and don't be afraid to ask for extra support if you are still feeling anxious.

How fucked up were they to send you a card like that ?

My in laws were the same. First grandchild and a much wanted granddaughter after having all boys themselves. Even my 3 bils were obsessed with dd. Youngest BIL even flew home from working abroad to see dd as soon as she was born. They just used to stare at dd all the time and as she got older she was the centre of the world. Oldest BIL who had no desire to have children would even watch dd for a couple of hours when I was in work and DH had to go training. I actually loved that they loved dd so much as my own family were not too interested unfortunately.