In laws just obsessed

[MatildaSoul]

Just want to say before this post - I am so happy that my baby has such loving and 'hands on' family and going forward this will be lovely for him, I am aware of this but currently I'm finding it hard to deal with so looking to vent,

My baby is 3 months old and my in laws are still absolutely obsessed with him, in a completely unmanageable way for me as if he was born 2 mins ago! I feel like they want him to BELONG to them, when if he is anybody's he is mine! haha.

I'd like to say also that my baby was a surprise when I had the coil fitted and in-laws weren't exactly supportive of me during my pregnancy so this big flip in their affection for him has been quite difficult for my head to deal with!

When they see us they still have to all "have a hold" of my baby which winds me up but I try and take the break and let them. But it doesn't seem to go through anybodies head when it's been an hour to think to give him back to his mother so I always have to say I'll take him back. Every time MIL holds him she always gives him to someone else if she has to get up and do something, I am breastfeeding so when he's at their house I use it as a way to take him back and just take him in the other room.

My BIL is in his late teens and he has never been around a baby before so just does not know how to go on at all. I think they will have a lovely relationship when LO is a bit older. We were close before my pregnancy and he hardly spoke to me when I was pregnant but now he tells my partner things like "i love your boy more than life itself" which is lovely albeit very intense! I find this relationship difficult as I am constantly telling him "don't touch babies mouth" "don't pull his dummy out when he's asleep" "he's obviously tired so if you stop touching his face he can go to sleep". He literally pets him like a dog it drives me insane I have to constantly watch him when he's holding LO and tell him what not to do. He has literally tried to wake him up to play with him to the point where the baby cried in his sleep from being touched etc and I took him off him and he slept for 2 hours more!

I have left them alone with my baby twice and both times have come back to his nappy not being changed the full time I was away (hours). If he wakes up from a nap, there are like 5 adults in his face staring and touching him, poor baby! I constantly am saying things like just leave him, i'll take him now please and stuff but they seem to love him in such a selfish way. The pressure for them to see him is unbelievable, I do try to ignore and I am always pulling them up on things but it's getting to a point where it's really winding me up and making me anxious. I do want to keep the peace but know if it starts effecting my baby i'll have to say something more! I've told my partner and he says anything I ask him to to them to back me up about these things that upset me but it doesn't seem to be enough, they'll stop doing one thing but start doing another so it seems pointless. Suppose I just wanted a little vent on here, I don't want people to get me wrong I do appreciate them to an extent but also whilst my baby is so little they literally all want to mother him, and that's my job haha!

Yes she can have a support bubble, but they don’t sound very supportive. The support bubble is for the mum’s mental health not the grandparents’

And COVID isn’t a friend of support bubbles, it doesn’t make you immune, I would still be exercising caution within a support bubble.

These people, especially the BIL sound well below average intelligence.

As all this unnecessary fuss upsets you so much, simply seeing a lot less of them, and being firm about this is the only practical way to deal with them.

One of the good things about covid is the opportunity to re-assess relationships with friends and family, including in laws. Other posters have said that you need to ration visits with these people and see a lot less of them. Use the restrictions creatively as others are doing to keep in laws at arms length except when you dictate. You wont win any popularity contests but you have to learn to say NO.

Maybe try to relax op, you sound super anxious. Is this your first baby, it sounds like it is

OP, you don't sound anxious in the slightest!!

Well done you for having the balls to advocate for your baby when family members are clearly upsetting them. That's not an easy thing to do. So often I see women on here who struggle to stand up against family for the best of their child, especially when their OH is so passive and happy to let these things go on.

You need to explain to your OH how this is affecting your child, as well as you and to see how he needs to be involved in assuring your child is happy. It sounds like these people have no boundaries whatsoever and completely sideline you when they're around so I'm betting he's not very good at standing up to his parents.

I'd be speaking to OH about setting time limits on visits (only certain days, only certain times, only for so long etc) until they learn to accept that they're not the boss of you or your child & that you need space as a family to get into routines that are, again, best for the baby.

Bless you, OP. That's a lot to deal with and you're highly likely to come out of this looking like the bad guy but WELL DONE for being prepared to stand up for your baby.x.

I felt like this with my first child. I’ve since had my second child and feel exactly the same. It isn’t always a case of ‘PFB’. Sometimes it’s a case of hormones and maternal instinct to keep your baby close. My in-laws were similar. If my daughter opened her eyes about 5 people would crowd around me with cameras and be clicking away inches from her face. I felt completely invisible and like I was holding a performing monkey on my lap. We see little of them just because their company is so intense. Lessons learnt for when I’m a MIL. And for what it’s worth - my eldest child is a very confident and happy toddler. She responds best to people that are calm and respect her space and the time it takes for her to warm to them. They are qualities I value but people are different.

LagunaBubbles

"YANBU see very little if them

How nasty."

I don't think it's nasty at all. There is a global pandemic so even if the OP is not in tier 4 or not even in the UK, there is still a need to be cautious. Especially if teenage BIL is touching baby's face and mouth. We are not even meant to touch our own faces and mouths due to Covid!

The OP has explained to them about their behaviour and they are not listening. The start of a young baby's life is a time to bond with parents, to feel secure. Being passed around like a parcel is not good.

The relatives have had some care of him for a number of hours and not changed his nappy. Not good.

If I were the op I would not want to see a lot of them.

I was very lucky, my in-laws were, and are, brilliant with my kids.

I just wanted to explain since my comment was taken as 'nasty' but it was more intended to be so.

Simply to suggest the OP set her boundaries and stick to them. In time she may be very happy for in-laws support and help.

At the moment it sounds, OP, like the in-laws were not supportive in your pregnancy, are not listening to you and are not putting baby first.

So I would see little of them at the moment until I felt they were handling being new grandparents/being an uncle better.

Like others have said I think it’s irrelevant that this is your first child. I think your feelings are completely reasonable. They do sound like they are putting their interests before the baby’s and of course you don’t have to pander to that! I’ve just had my second baby and I would be exactly the same. I’m actually relieved that because of covid we haven’t had the endless rounds of visitors that really disrupted the early days with my first child.

Oh and my in laws are absolutely lovely and would never have behaved like this but I still wouldn’t have left my baby with them (or anyone!) when they were 3 months old. That’s tiny!

Tbh even if you are being unreasonable that’s your right as the baby’s mother so don’t feel bad about backing away and enforcing your boundaries.

I can totally empathise. My ILs were like this and I found it quite stressful for the first few months; they were at the hospital before my epidural had even worn off and came round every day for the first few months. I remember feeling quite upset when I wasn’t holding my baby. I wish I had set my boundaries earlier on but its hard when you don’t want to upset people isn’t it.

DH family subscribe to the ‘it takes a village’ mentality of parenting, where the extended family all play a big role. As children, PILs were both sent to live with their own grandparents for a few years, and seriously suggested we might want to do this too

DD is now 18mo and we’ve gradually managed to find a good balance and I really value the role they play in DDs life, I think it’s a really positive thing that she has such strong relationships with her extended family and is so loved.

So, I think the point I’m making is - don’t completely cut them out, you’ll likely value their support in the future, just gently set your boundaries over the next few months.

Just to add - my DH was absolutely fundamental in helping us to find that balance and setting boundaries that kept his family involved without me feeling trampled. Talk to your partner, he needs to support you.

I just wanted to explain since my comment was taken as 'nasty' but it was not intended to be so.

Bigredriding "I felt like this with my first child. I’ve since had my second child and feel exactly the same." I think that protective instinct is still there with subsequent children. The only thing I noticed changing was I was a bit more laid back but I think you're still wanting to look after the baby/child and bond etc. It's not just a first born thing.

The baby is a person, a small person. He will grow up to have thoughts and ideas of his own. Guess what , they may even not be the same thoughts and ideas shared by his parents or inlaws!

How absolutley ridiculous they sound.

Great post harrietm1987

They do sound a little bit much (although not hugely) and it sounds like your hormones are really doing a number on you.

Pick your boundaries and discuss them with your DH so that he can help you stick to them.

How sad that people think feeling protective of and bonded with your baby only happens with dc1, and that the people for whom that was the case feel compelled to patronise and shame the mother of a 3 month old baby for not being chilled out and detached from him.

I remember being very irritated by a toddlers group aquaintance who expected me to give newborn dc3 to her primary school

sorry posted too soon - she expected me to be happy to give my newborn (week old) dc3 to her two primary school aged children to look after/ play with, and was shocked that I only allowed closely supervised, seated, cuddles - because he was my 3rd child therefore I was supposed to be completely chilled out and glad to hand him over whenever possible.

It doesn't work like that. Protecting and being attached to your newborn isn't a pfb phenomenon, it's an every single baby phenomenon, p-first-b or p-fifth-b, or it should be.

@MatildaSoul for what it's worth, you are ot unreasonable at all. You sound very reasonable, and no I would not let anyone, my or DH family do this to us (and I am lucky that they live far away but even when visiting they never did this).

Poking a sleeping baby, I am amazed you were so calm. If anyone poked my sleeping (or otherwise) 3mo I'd flip.

No real advice, but try and set up boundaries now, get your Dh on your side quickly. They will meddle in your upbringing from what the baby should wear, to what they should eat and you will be disregarded as unreasonable forever onwards. Stomp the ground now, while you still can.

If you carry on like this you’re going to end up with a clingy baby who won’t go to anyone else

Complete rubbish.

There is a plethora of research that demonstrates the opposite is the case.

It is hard to just want to keep them all to yourself, but it is healthy for the baby to interact with other people. Try not to watch them too much when they have baby, youre only going to torture yourself by nit picking things that they do differently to you.

Trying to wake the baby, take dummy out etc is unacceptable. Strictly say to them they are not to do that. If they carry on, mention it to your in laws and tell them to tell him to stop.

If they have baby and you come back and nappy is full, make a comment. 'Oops this nappy is full! When did you last change it? Has baby been peeing for England again?' Just make a slight joke to keep the atmosphere light but they will make a note of what youre saying

This is obviously your first baby, I can tell from a mile off- haha, oh how it changes with the second and third child.

How patronising! Maybe you were very precious and your in laws turned out to be nice. The op on the other hand sounds sensible and the in laws awful. Chances are she will be much less tolerant if she has another child, as she will know in advance what to expect. Some grandparents are selfish and toxic unfortunately. Having a baby can make these issues a lot more obvious.

it is healthy for the baby to interact with other people.

No it isn't. There's no benefit for a 3 month old to interact with anyone but its parents. After 6 months there is some benefit but only if the interaction is a positive one for the child.

You're only just out of the fourth trimester OP, try not to listen to those who are calling you anxious and unreasonable etc. Everything you're feeling is totally valid

M partners mum did soo many things in the first few months that I found deeply upsetting and I still haven't addressed any of it, almost a year on. Because of this I carry a great deal of resentment but I just try and grit my teeth and get on with it for the sake of my relationship.

Don't make the same mistakes as me and try your best to set some boundaries as it will really really help you long term good luck xx

OP just keep going as you are. Setting your boundaries and reminding them. Mil was full on like this but gets better as baby gets older and more independent. Sound like you need to teach bil how to do babies. Your doing a great job

Sounds hellish OP. My son is about the same age as yours and I wouldn't cope well with such pushy selfish ILs. I might even stop taking baby around until they learn.

They're fucking clueless and they seem to be excited about the idea of a baby, rather than taking care of a baby, which are two complete different things. I agree you need to see A LOT LESS of them. Great time to start, January 1st 2021