In laws just obsessed

[MatildaSoul]

Just want to say before this post - I am so happy that my baby has such loving and 'hands on' family and going forward this will be lovely for him, I am aware of this but currently I'm finding it hard to deal with so looking to vent,

My baby is 3 months old and my in laws are still absolutely obsessed with him, in a completely unmanageable way for me as if he was born 2 mins ago! I feel like they want him to BELONG to them, when if he is anybody's he is mine! haha.

I'd like to say also that my baby was a surprise when I had the coil fitted and in-laws weren't exactly supportive of me during my pregnancy so this big flip in their affection for him has been quite difficult for my head to deal with!

When they see us they still have to all "have a hold" of my baby which winds me up but I try and take the break and let them. But it doesn't seem to go through anybodies head when it's been an hour to think to give him back to his mother so I always have to say I'll take him back. Every time MIL holds him she always gives him to someone else if she has to get up and do something, I am breastfeeding so when he's at their house I use it as a way to take him back and just take him in the other room.

My BIL is in his late teens and he has never been around a baby before so just does not know how to go on at all. I think they will have a lovely relationship when LO is a bit older. We were close before my pregnancy and he hardly spoke to me when I was pregnant but now he tells my partner things like "i love your boy more than life itself" which is lovely albeit very intense! I find this relationship difficult as I am constantly telling him "don't touch babies mouth" "don't pull his dummy out when he's asleep" "he's obviously tired so if you stop touching his face he can go to sleep". He literally pets him like a dog it drives me insane I have to constantly watch him when he's holding LO and tell him what not to do. He has literally tried to wake him up to play with him to the point where the baby cried in his sleep from being touched etc and I took him off him and he slept for 2 hours more!

I have left them alone with my baby twice and both times have come back to his nappy not being changed the full time I was away (hours). If he wakes up from a nap, there are like 5 adults in his face staring and touching him, poor baby! I constantly am saying things like just leave him, i'll take him now please and stuff but they seem to love him in such a selfish way. The pressure for them to see him is unbelievable, I do try to ignore and I am always pulling them up on things but it's getting to a point where it's really winding me up and making me anxious. I do want to keep the peace but know if it starts effecting my baby i'll have to say something more! I've told my partner and he says anything I ask him to to them to back me up about these things that upset me but it doesn't seem to be enough, they'll stop doing one thing but start doing another so it seems pointless. Suppose I just wanted a little vent on here, I don't want people to get me wrong I do appreciate them to an extent but also whilst my baby is so little they literally all want to mother him, and that's my job haha!

Loving in laws or not
There are boundries for a reason.
Tell them what you like and what you feel uncomfortable with. And do it now before they claim him. He is not theirs. He is yours for sure 🤗

When they see us they still have to all "have a hold" of my baby

they do not. The baby does not need any of that nonsense, your IL are horribly unreasonable and show no respect for you the mother.

For you own sake, you need to either put your foot down very strongly, which can be hard and will lead to a family fall-out
or reduce your visits a lot.

I wouldn't see them for the next few months personally.

You need to think about finding your own place to live. They sound so intense.

And what does your partner say about all this

Stop expecting people to read your mind. Just take the baby back when you want her. And ask them to change the nappy is they are looking after her.

What? Thinking that people (especially who have had children of their own!) should change a baby’s nappy if they look after him for hours is not expecting them to be mind readers! I can’t imagine having to say to PILs “if DD needs a nappy change while she’s with you, please change her nappy.”
Unless OP is forcing them to babysit (which doesn’t sound likely) they shouldn’t have offered if they’re unwilling to change nappies.

I had similar with my first baby (their first Grandchild) they were at the hospital in my room within 2 hours after DC was born, i'd not even got off the bed, nevermind had a shower! Should have taken that as a sign of things to come. Totally overwhelming.

The novelty wasn't the same when DC2 arrived, they showed little interest, didn't visit til we were home (over 24 hours later)

DC1 still is, and always will be the favourite, by a landslide. And it's awful to see.

But unfortunately, you may be in this for a while, i'd hunker down and pick your battles.

What about DH and his DM taking baby for walk in the pram she can push and preen and it can be time controlled (weather and baby timings)?

I do think if you are round there and your BIL tries to interact you could teach him I.e come and see how a nappy is changed, helping change a babygro

But agree with limiting visits a bit without highlighting it till everybody settles.

I’m in two minds here, I do think the in laws need to back off a bit, they probably aren’t very welcoming to OP so then it’s hard to accept a close relationship with your child. You are in charge here though OP, take your baby when he needs feeding, I wouldn’t worry too much about the touching at 3 months it won’t bother them too much. You do sound a bit overwhelmed by them and I guess that’s making you micromanage their relationship with your boy. If one of our relatives is holding one of our kids and Unless they are being actually unsafe with them I don’t say anything about what they do with them as I trust them.

I don’t think you sound anxious, unrealistic or fragile. I think you sound exactly like most new parents I know. Pop your baby in a sling if it’s all too much and meet them at your home so you have space to escape!

It’s hard because they don’t sound malicious but lord they sound bloody exhausting! I agree with the pp that said I think some grandparents feel the intensity of love they did for their own children but have no understanding of how to check it and behave appropriately - especially the case with parents of the dad, I think there is a notion they need to make a claim over babies to establish themselves as important- which I believe they are FYI.

My advice would try and be patient but firm. Get you dh on board and think about practical ways to limit them a little. Baby wearing, timing visits so you have to take him for a nap etc. Not to be cruel but can’t be nice for baby to be so mithered.

YABU.

Of course they should be able to hold the baby.
And no, you don’t own baby, or part own baby

As your baby is 3 months old, you get to decide who looks after him, who holds him and for how long. Speak up! Protect him. Explain to your ILs how you feel and what you’d like them to do. And speak to your DH so he supports you both.

They sound completely over the top. I'd be keeping my distance.

My MIl also used to hold my son when newborn and give him to anyone but me when she'd had enough or wanted to do something else. When he cried she used to bang on the window to distract him..fucking drove me nuts and weird as hell really had to stay calm to tell her to stop when I wanted to scream fuck off. PIL were there within hours of coming home from the hospital and stayed overnight..first night home. I'm still mad ten years later... the only good thing was they did all the cooking and at one point I saw her folding my knickers..fine, whatever. [hmmm]

You and your boyfriend need to rethink leaving your young baby with them for hours at a time if you genuinely have reservations.

Your son is only 3 months old and this is prime bonding time for you and your partner with your baby. I remember when my son was born, my family (especially my sister in law), would often hold him and change him and feed him (when I was trying to get to grips with breastfeeding) and I knew they were doing it to “give me a break”, but I just wanted him back in my arms.
In a few months, their attention will probably be a welcome break, but right now it’s overwhelming.
Also, they weren’t interested in providing support during your pregnancy, from the sound of it and I can see why you’d feel a bit hard done by, that now they want to be present so much. Support and attention for the new mum is equally as important as caring for the baby.
I agree with some of the other posters that reducing contact, or reducing the amount of time you spend with them could be helpful.
And share your feelings with your partner, including the part where you’re grateful that his family want a relationship with your DS and tell him what kind of support you need.

@NoProblem123

YABU.

Of course they should be able to hold the baby.
And no, you don’t own baby, or part own baby

No. They only get to hold the baby if the parents are happy with it. There’s no “should” about it.

How often do you see them?

At 3 months old and breastfed, your baby needs no one but you to hold and care for him.
He is not a parcel or a toy.
He is not a painting or circus animal for them to stare at either.
For the first 6 months of a baby's life they should rarely be seen by anyone and should only have a few care givers. This reduces the amount of sensory overload which is hugely distressing and unnecessary for a small child.
My suggestion is that you say, new year new boundaries.
Do some research and say "after much research WE have decided X for our baby" and keep practicing the word no and that doesn't work for US.
It's not working for you to have people who disliked your choices and decisions holding the person you grew inside you because it's not normal or necessary.
Advocate for your sons needs.

Why did you leave the baby with them for so long, when it is very young. Was that at their insistence?

Do you have the same reaction when it's your parents/siblings.friends holding him?? 🤔

Urgh god these threads make me thank the Lord I don't have in-laws.

Are you in the uk and do you live with them??
If not why / how are you seeing them so much when we’re in a lockdown? It’s the perfect situation to back off.