In laws just obsessed

[MatildaSoul]

Just want to say before this post - I am so happy that my baby has such loving and 'hands on' family and going forward this will be lovely for him, I am aware of this but currently I'm finding it hard to deal with so looking to vent,

My baby is 3 months old and my in laws are still absolutely obsessed with him, in a completely unmanageable way for me as if he was born 2 mins ago! I feel like they want him to BELONG to them, when if he is anybody's he is mine! haha.

I'd like to say also that my baby was a surprise when I had the coil fitted and in-laws weren't exactly supportive of me during my pregnancy so this big flip in their affection for him has been quite difficult for my head to deal with!

When they see us they still have to all "have a hold" of my baby which winds me up but I try and take the break and let them. But it doesn't seem to go through anybodies head when it's been an hour to think to give him back to his mother so I always have to say I'll take him back. Every time MIL holds him she always gives him to someone else if she has to get up and do something, I am breastfeeding so when he's at their house I use it as a way to take him back and just take him in the other room.

My BIL is in his late teens and he has never been around a baby before so just does not know how to go on at all. I think they will have a lovely relationship when LO is a bit older. We were close before my pregnancy and he hardly spoke to me when I was pregnant but now he tells my partner things like "i love your boy more than life itself" which is lovely albeit very intense! I find this relationship difficult as I am constantly telling him "don't touch babies mouth" "don't pull his dummy out when he's asleep" "he's obviously tired so if you stop touching his face he can go to sleep". He literally pets him like a dog it drives me insane I have to constantly watch him when he's holding LO and tell him what not to do. He has literally tried to wake him up to play with him to the point where the baby cried in his sleep from being touched etc and I took him off him and he slept for 2 hours more!

I have left them alone with my baby twice and both times have come back to his nappy not being changed the full time I was away (hours). If he wakes up from a nap, there are like 5 adults in his face staring and touching him, poor baby! I constantly am saying things like just leave him, i'll take him now please and stuff but they seem to love him in such a selfish way. The pressure for them to see him is unbelievable, I do try to ignore and I am always pulling them up on things but it's getting to a point where it's really winding me up and making me anxious. I do want to keep the peace but know if it starts effecting my baby i'll have to say something more! I've told my partner and he says anything I ask him to to them to back me up about these things that upset me but it doesn't seem to be enough, they'll stop doing one thing but start doing another so it seems pointless. Suppose I just wanted a little vent on here, I don't want people to get me wrong I do appreciate them to an extent but also whilst my baby is so little they literally all want to mother him, and that's my job haha!

YANBU

Get a sling/wrap and wear the baby, then when they ask to hold DC just say “Maybe later, DC is ok where they are for now”.

You sound overly anxious and slightly neurotic about some of your concerns. Where does the bay’s father fit into all this. You don’t own the baby and you should appreciate that they want to be hands on.

If you’re not happy with what they are doing you need to speak up and say something. Have you told your husband how you feel.

You would find it easier to deal with if you tried to relax. Why can’t you bundle your baby up in the pram and let them take him for a walk then they get to see him but they aren’t handling him too much. If you carry on like this you’re going to end up with a clingy baby who won’t go to anyone else, you’ll alienate your eager to help family and drive yourself even more anxious.

Can’t you use COVID restrictions to minimise visits and stop them touching and holding the baby? Especially as it’s the parents as well as the teenage boy.

Do you have the same reaction when it's your parents/siblings.friends holding him??

I'd have the same reaction, whoever was trying to wake my 3 month old baby up when he needed to be asleep, just because they wanted to play with him.

OP, YANBU and you need to find a way to limit the time these people spend around you and your baby to something you find manageable.

Whose idea is it for them to care for him for hours on end? He's very young to be left with other people if that's not necessary for work or because it helps you. If they are instigating it and you're nt comfortable with it, stop doing it until he's older.

Good grief.

OP, they sound a nightmare, and their level of interest is not comfortable even to read about.

That's your baby, who should be with you apart from a few minutes here and there, when you are happy to hand the baby over. If you're not happy, don't do it.

Bollocks to anyone who says you don't 'own' the baby. Looking after the person you grew in your belly is down to you, your duty and your privilege, and everybody else can fuck the fuck off.

A pp said use a sling - do. Keep your baby about you. If anyone says 'Oh, I'll hold baby for you' say 'No, we're fine, thanks.' And overall, avoid them where you can!

I think a lot of these comments are harsh.

I once got told I'm just being a "overly protective new parent" you know why? Because my mother in law would take my baby and be like "you're with mama now, I'll give you back to mother in assorted thoughts later" and when I said "do not refer to yourself as mama to my child" I was literally made out to be the worse person in the world.

I never lived with mine, so it was easy, I didn't visit often and they soon found out , I made the decisions.

The key question here is, do you live with them or not?
If you live with them, you really need to be assertive you don't wanna look back on these times with bitterness, your in-laws have had their turns they need to let you be the mother.

If you don't live with them, then blame Boris. I've had a blissful year 2020 not seeing my in-laws once :) and I guarantee any tier you are in now does not permit households visiting indoors .

Please say you don't live with them? If you do I think you need to make plans to move out ASAP.
If you don't I agree with PP about reducing contact.

I think the biggest thing is the lack of support the gave you during an expected pregnancy now being tot
totally at odds with their reaction to the result of the pregnancy (your DS).
That would really bother me.

Do you have other family or friends who can support you near by?

For the first 6 months of a baby's life they should rarely be seen by anyone and should only have a few care givers.
Meanwhile. In the real world.

@MatildaSoul
Are you me?
I honestly could have written this post word for word. Even down to the BIL!

It's an awful situation- they love their new grandchild so very much but they are seriously starting to cause me such anxiety.

I really feel for you so very much. I hope this thread provides some useful advice.

FYI- I manage to minimise contact with them as much as possible by citing COVID-19 restrictions; which is sensible and the right thing to do. I am also seeking support from the midwife and HV who have been wonderful. Can you talk to your HV about your feelings?

I had the exact same it’s a nightmare! I even had people taking pictures in the babies face with the flash on about ten times in a row to get the perfect shot, and people waking the baby on purpose to hold them. So very annoying!!! You are not unreasonable and I agree you need to set some boundaries and limit the visits for your sanity and to avoid an argument that’s brewing!

@Hailtomyteeth

Good grief.

OP, they sound a nightmare, and their level of interest is not comfortable even to read about.

That's your baby, who should be with you apart from a few minutes here and there, when you are happy to hand the baby over. If you're not happy, don't do it.

Bollocks to anyone who says you don't 'own' the baby. Looking after the person you grew in your belly is down to you, your duty and your privilege, and everybody else can fuck the fuck off.

A pp said use a sling - do. Keep your baby about you. If anyone says 'Oh, I'll hold baby for you' say 'No, we're fine, thanks.' And overall, avoid them where you can!

I was very lucky with my in laws.

My MIL always said to me that she's had her own babies to love and enjoy, and while she loves her grandchildren more than she thought possible, they are mine to enjoy and it's up to me who holds them or sees them and when.

This made me want her to see them more

It's the same attitude I'll be adopting if I'm ever lucky enough to be a grandparent.

Don't leave your baby alone with them, it isn't compulsory! He's 3 months old and breastfed and they leave him in a full nappy and touch him all the time, preventing him from sleeping - don't leave him with them.

Keep visits short so they can't overwhelm him.

They sound hard work and unhelpful, but as you say you csn only hope that navigating their needy, selfish version of love for a tiny almost newborn will eventually pay dividends when he's old enough to actually benefit from having a living extended family.
Sadly though the people who are demanding, posessive and selfish about getting their fix of newborn cuddles are often largely uninterested in the child once he or she becomes a distinct toddler and child personality who can express likes and dislikes and struggle to be put down etc.

Our baby is nearly 8 months and we found this too, the in laws love him so much in a SELFISH way (it’s all about them!)...MIL even went part time to provide childcare without asking us what we want or need. But having seen her with him, no confidence in her ability to look after him.

Basically, my advice just stay away. That’s what we do. Yes they’re total victims about it but we are just riding it out.

If you were able to read this without the pregnancy hormones and the stress caused by a new baby you might be smiling a long like I am. The more people that love your child, the more blessed he is. What a lucky kid! Relax x

Wow she’s fab and said just we Mummy’s want to hear!

OP this is what I wish I'd done in your situation (and indeed did with subsequent dcs). Walk up to relative, firmly take baby back, and say time to come back to mummy now. You're mum and in charge. Just do it.

You are choosing to spend time with these people, you can just...not. And now you know they neglect the child when alone with him (dirty nappy for hours), so you’ll know to never, ever do that again. Your boyfriend can take the child to see his relatives when he feels the need.

You keep on saying "MY BABY " but he is not just yours - he is your partner's too and by default his family's too . Get over yourself !

YANBU

I would feel like you do. Covid has meant we haven't spent much time with my in laws but I do wonder how full on they may be if we suddenly get the all clear covid wise.

Like others have said I think try to limit the visits. Only an hour or two max, maybe every couple of weeks or once a week? You both could send them photos or do a FaceTime in between maybe if you think it won't be enough?

We don't plan to use grandparents for childcare so by the time I go back to work I don't feel like DD 'needs' to be happy to spend a whole day with grandparents or anything which helps there to be less pressure on relationship building.

The things you say would bother me, but you may also come across as PFB to them. I think reducing or shortening the visits may make it easier for you to tolerate it a bit more, ie. timing the visits for when baby isn't due a nap or a feed. Congrats on your baby

BTW I have 3 very capable, independent, sociable older children and want to point out that people who try to shame first time mothers for not being cool and blāse about their babies should be ashamed of themselves.

Its absolutely natural, normal and appropriate for a baby to be almost exclusively in their parents' arms, and for the parents to be very protective, until the baby is at the stage where they can choose to move physically away from the parents - when they start crawling. Then the baby takes the lead on how much and for how long they go to other people, which naturally increases as the baby becomes a toddler, preschooler etc.

Abuse and can't raise children ? How on earth did these women ever raise your partners ?

@unassortedthoughts

I think a lot of these comments are harsh.

I once got told I'm just being a "overly protective new parent" you know why? Because my mother in law would take my baby and be like "you're with mama now, I'll give you back to mother in assorted thoughts later" and when I said "do not refer to yourself as mama to my child" I was literally made out to be the worse person in the world.

I never lived with mine, so it was easy, I didn't visit often and they soon found out , I made the decisions.

The key question here is, do you live with them or not?
If you live with them, you really need to be assertive you don't wanna look back on these times with bitterness, your in-laws have had their turns they need to let you be the mother.

If you don't live with them, then blame Boris. I've had a blissful year 2020 not seeing my in-laws once :) and I guarantee any tier you are in now does not permit households visiting indoors .

"You're with mama now"!! Hat off to you, how on earth did you not lose your shit with that fucked up comment?

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

BTW I have 3 very capable, independent, sociable older children and want to point out that people who try to shame first time mothers for not being cool and blāse about their babies should be ashamed of themselves.

Its absolutely natural, normal and appropriate for a baby to be almost exclusively in their parents' arms, and for the parents to be very protective, until the baby is at the stage where they can choose to move physically away from the parents - when they start crawling. Then the baby takes the lead on how much and for how long they go to other people, which naturally increases as the baby becomes a toddler, preschooler etc.

Totally agree. Erikson's stages of development.

"Stop expecting people to read your mind." OP has told them a lot of times.

they probably aren’t very welcoming to OP so then it’s hard to accept a close relationship with your child

I agree with this and came on to ask my they were not happy about your pregnancy?

I do think how you get on with your PIL affects how you feel about your DC and them. My own MIL was an absolute cow to me from the start and then when DC1 was born was totally obsessed with him and belittled me at every opportunity. They see my DC as "their family" but I am not. They have even told me that.

I no longer facilitate the relationship with these GP's. I suck it up when I have to but I seeth when they go near my DC.