DH stayed up drinking and then says I’m in the wrong....

[starship08]

DH hasn’t had a drink at all over the Christmas holidays. I’m breastfeeding and haven’t felt like a drink so I guess he just hasn’t wanted to drink alone.

For NYE we arranged a zoom call with his brother and brothers wife.

DH decided to have a few beers, not an issue.

By the time midnight came around that had turned into more than a few.

I went off to bed and DH said he was going to stay chatting for a bit longer.

5.30am our DS is wide awake and not settling back down. This is usual for him and he does this most mornings.
Over the holidays DH and I have been taking it in turns to be the one to get up whilst the other has a sleep in.

Yesterday DH has his sleep in until 11am and today I was looking forward to having mine.
I haven’t had a sleep in since Tuesday (neither of us slept in Wednesday as DH had to be up to visit the tip)

So I realised DH wasn’t in bed, I assumed he’d decided to sleep on the sofa as to not disturb us both.

I called his mobile to ask him if he’d be able to come and sort DS so I could go back to sleep.

He wasn’t answering I went downstairs to find that he was still on the zoom chat with his brother and he was sat drinking whiskey (baring in mind I came to bed at 12.30 so he’d started on that after I’d come to bed)

I was a bit stroppy and said, so there goes my sleep in.

I went back upstairs to DS and DH followed, he started to tell me how ridiculous I was expecting him to get up at 5.30 with DS and that I was manipulating him (not sure how)

He then said “I should’ve known not to expect to be able to enjoy myself, it’s the first drink I’ve had in ages and you’re taking away that enjoyment from me”

I wasn’t expecting him to get up with him, but usually when he wakes at that time, one of us (whoever wasn’t having a sleep in) will put him in bed with us and settle him back to sleep (or get up with him if he won’t settle)

DH was clearly to drunk and I told him to get lost.

He told me I’d ruined the start to the New Year and I was in the wrong for expecting him to get up at this time after he’d had a few drinks with his brother.

I told him I didn’t realise or even think for a second that he would stay up drinking until 5.30am when he knows we have a baby to get up with and it was my turn to sleep in.

He told me I’m selfish and after a tough year he deserves a drunk with his brother.

I totally agree he deserves a drink, but if he was planning an all nighter then surely he could’ve let me have the sleep In yesterday and taken his today.

Am I in the wrong here?

I'm the first to call out gender inequality but its not relevant here except maybe as biological necessity that if BF you aren't going to be getting pissed. In my house its more likely me (female) staying up having a party and getting pissed. I think replies are from people who split the fun/childcare equally.

Christ, I am 100% in favour of equal responsibility in parenting. I 100% agree the dh could have handled it better this morning but they are a married couple. They should have each others backs whhch includes holding the fort occasionally. That works both ways. Back when my ex and I were together we would each occasionally do something similar. The other picked up the slack and it was reciprocal. That's the only issue here for me. If it's always him getting the party and always the op default parenting then that needs addressing. Otherwise, as a one off, no.

@dontdisturbmenow

We're you really counting how many beers head by 11:50? It sounds like you need to chill out and let your OH have a bit if a life of his own.

No, of course I wasn’t. But I cleared up before I went to bed and I was the one who put the cans into our recycling box so I knew how many he’d had and I remember thinking to myself he’s not had that many and should be fine in the morning.
But obviously he then went on to open the whiskey....

It’s one night, and NYE at that. Yes, he got carried away, but it doesn’t sound like it makes a habit of it. Take the lead with childcare today and let him sleep it off BUT on the proviso you get a lie in / some chill time for the rest of the weekend!

Tbh info think you’re in the wrong here. You said by the time you went to bed he’d had more than a few, he’d obviously not be in a fit state to get up this morning. Why would you want someone that had drank copious amounts of alcohol to take care of your child?

and honestly? those who are saying if the roles were reversed these responses would be the same are lying through their teeth.

if it was "I got really drunk last night after laying in until 11am when my partner got up with the baby. he was meant to get a chance to catch up on sleep himself this morning but I stayed up until 5am drinking with my sister. partner is now upset" they would get ripped to shreds.

@JustLikeStitch

Tbh info think you’re in the wrong here. You said by the time you went to bed he’d had more than a few, he’d obviously not be in a fit state to get up this morning. Why would you want someone that had drank copious amounts of alcohol to take care of your child?

@JustLikeStitch

Perhaps after 7 small cans you’d be on your arse and in no fit state?

DH is a big guy, 7 small cans to him is like throwing a shot of vodka in a swimming pool 🙈

By big I mean frame, he’s a rugby player.
He’s not fat... 🤪

If he did it all the time I'd be pissed off. In this instance I wouldn't be. I'd roll my eyes and insist on having fair lie ins the next few days.

You sound shocked he's still in bed at 9? That's not particularly late.

Oh for goodness sake people on this thread are being overly dramatic,if this is a one off then it's a just a little misunderstanding, nothing to get worked up about. It would be the same if it was OP who had got carried away drinking and talking to her sister and then her OH had decided tough cookies, it's your turn to get up with DS at 5:30am so I'm going to stay in bed.

Not worth spoiling his virtual get together with his family. Ask him to make sure he gives you a rest tomorrow and forget it.

I don’t consider myself rigid in anyway whatsoever.

Your actions speak otherwise OP.
Your DH had a zoom call with his brother that went on longer and got more boozy than he intended. Really not a big deal, OP. You really need to be more flexible.
YABVU.

[quote starship08]@MotherExtraordinaire

My lo is now school age, but I wouldn't be having anyone "in charge of my child after 7 beers, 6am or not! Nor would I get in a car with someone who had. Surely you wouldn't either?

DH had 7 beers between 7.30pm and 12.30am.
He drinks IPA and the cans were 330ml, he wasn’t drinking pints.
That’s over a 5 hour period and he wouldn’t have been looking after DH until 5.30/6am.

What’s getting in a car got to do with anything?[/quote]
I would not let someone drive me after that much, let alone look after my child, beyond absolute emergencies.

Are you saying that at 6am you'd have gladly let your oh have driven your baby around after 7 beers?
That's just under 12 units he consumed from 730.so at best the alcohol would have left the body by 730am. Does that not change your attitude to thinking he'd be appropriate to leave a baby with at 5am?
Obviously that's before the whisky.

You need to allow for flexibility with a baby. Ask this rigid, it's your turn, must be so annoying.

@Pumpertrumper

OP I have nothing but sympathy (you were not wrong btw) but imagine you aren’t the only woman starting the new year like this.

My twatty DH has a 5am weekday alarm set to ‘wake up early and get work done’ only he never does. He ignores it 95% of the time but refuses to turn it off! He also never remembers to turn it off on his days off/bank holidays.

Today DS (usually awake at 4:30) had a lovely lie in. DH’s stupid alarm went off and woke us up. He rolls over back to sleep and I (currently suffering pregnancy insomnia so can’t get back to sleep once woken) was LIVID!

DH didn’t even apologise! Now sat here feeling grumpy and nauseous because DH is an inconsiderate twat. When he wakes up he’ll accuse me of being ‘in a mood’ and ‘always having a go at him’

I’m tempted to go throw grumpy DS in bed with him and have a peaceful shower!

Jesus! Throw the alarm out the window, or just turn it off.

Really surprised at the responses. He was completely in the wrong - YANBU! When you have a baby you can’t just make decisions purely for yourself any more. How many mothers would ‘have a few’ then decide to carry on without consulting or rearranging things with their partner? If you this slip and be ‘flexible’ and how many more times is he going to take the piss? You should bugger off on a day out on your own OP and be u reachable when he wonders where you are.

He has been totally unreasonable
Especially as you reminded him of his get up before you went to bed. Can’t see how anyone could
Say YABU. It’s done now- so double lie in for you over next 2 days to compensate. If he won’t agree to that to even things out he’s a prick

So what are you going to do now OP? Stick to your indignation until he goes on his knees to apologise and offer to do a week worth of getting up?

You made him feel guilty and he will be resenting feeling guilty when he believes he doesn't deserve it at least to the extend you made him feel which the vast majority on here agree.

Just make up, say you over reacted and wait for him to acknowledge that he failed to appreciate that it would mean you getting up when you were looking forward to having a lie in.

Don't start the year with resentment eating both of you up.

What should have happened was when you were going to bed he should have said 'I know it's my turn but would you mind if I stayed up tonight and then did two nights in a row to make up?' Instead he pretended it wasn't a problem, got out the whiskey and then made out you were unreasonable.
He needs to do two things IMO, work on his communication skills and do the next two nights.

@namechangeforfriday

Really surprised at the responses. He was completely in the wrong - YANBU! When you have a baby you can’t just make decisions purely for yourself any more. How many mothers would ‘have a few’ then decide to carry on without consulting or rearranging things with their partner? If you this slip and be ‘flexible’ and how many more times is he going to take the piss? You should bugger off on a day out on your own OP and be u reachable when he wonders where you are.

Is this how people really live? In this tit for tat vengeful way? He isn’t doing it regularly, he’s not even drunk over Xmas period, it so far is a one off.

Honestly it must be hell in some homes. No flexibility, total spite if you cut loose one night, catastrophising you’ll be doing it all the time

I guess the ops not alone in her reaction .

I’d not want to live like this though. I would want both my husband and I to give flexibility to the other in this sort of event.

OP, after reading your updates, the fact he asked you to stay up with him, the history with his brother, the fact you checked so many times and you were up BF at 2am I GET IT.

I really do. I'd be pissed off. From the way you've described him, I don't think he was thoughtlessly putting tow fingers up at your lie in. He had a few drinks too many and wrongly didn't think through the consequences-who does after some drinking?

I do think you are taking this far more personally than you should-but my DD has just started sleeping through and I remember how much I used to tot up and bank on my sleep so I do understand:

BUT, I think I'd wake him up soonish, he's had enough of a lie in now. And make sure you get a couple going forwards. I wouldn't hold onto the anger as I don't think it was done with malice.

You say he hasn't drank all over Christmas so this is a one off yes its annoying but as a 1 off I couldn't get upset about it. Let him sleep it of then get him to watch baby an go for an extra hour in bed later or long soak in Bath.

You're not wrong, he should have said could he change his day then do the 2 weekend mornings.
My DP rarely drinks if he was having a few I'd know he wouldn't be capable of getting up. I'd have come to an arrangement before he started.

Suggesting the OP buggers off for the day and is unreachable, out of spite because her DP had the cheek to enjoy himself on NYE?! Seriously I'm glad I'm not in a relationship with someone so petty. It was a one off, on NYE. Seriously, partnerships are about giving each other a break every now and then and being happy for each other. Give and take, compromise, flexibility, empathy. Even more so when you have a child together.

You are being disproportionately dramatic. It was NYE. He hasn't been getting pissed over Christmas. Let it go.