DH stayed up drinking and then says I’m in the wrong....

[starship08]

DH hasn’t had a drink at all over the Christmas holidays. I’m breastfeeding and haven’t felt like a drink so I guess he just hasn’t wanted to drink alone.

For NYE we arranged a zoom call with his brother and brothers wife.

DH decided to have a few beers, not an issue.

By the time midnight came around that had turned into more than a few.

I went off to bed and DH said he was going to stay chatting for a bit longer.

5.30am our DS is wide awake and not settling back down. This is usual for him and he does this most mornings.
Over the holidays DH and I have been taking it in turns to be the one to get up whilst the other has a sleep in.

Yesterday DH has his sleep in until 11am and today I was looking forward to having mine.
I haven’t had a sleep in since Tuesday (neither of us slept in Wednesday as DH had to be up to visit the tip)

So I realised DH wasn’t in bed, I assumed he’d decided to sleep on the sofa as to not disturb us both.

I called his mobile to ask him if he’d be able to come and sort DS so I could go back to sleep.

He wasn’t answering I went downstairs to find that he was still on the zoom chat with his brother and he was sat drinking whiskey (baring in mind I came to bed at 12.30 so he’d started on that after I’d come to bed)

I was a bit stroppy and said, so there goes my sleep in.

I went back upstairs to DS and DH followed, he started to tell me how ridiculous I was expecting him to get up at 5.30 with DS and that I was manipulating him (not sure how)

He then said “I should’ve known not to expect to be able to enjoy myself, it’s the first drink I’ve had in ages and you’re taking away that enjoyment from me”

I wasn’t expecting him to get up with him, but usually when he wakes at that time, one of us (whoever wasn’t having a sleep in) will put him in bed with us and settle him back to sleep (or get up with him if he won’t settle)

DH was clearly to drunk and I told him to get lost.

He told me I’d ruined the start to the New Year and I was in the wrong for expecting him to get up at this time after he’d had a few drinks with his brother.

I told him I didn’t realise or even think for a second that he would stay up drinking until 5.30am when he knows we have a baby to get up with and it was my turn to sleep in.

He told me I’m selfish and after a tough year he deserves a drunk with his brother.

I totally agree he deserves a drink, but if he was planning an all nighter then surely he could’ve let me have the sleep In yesterday and taken his today.

Am I in the wrong here?

@SuperCaliFragalistic

Cut him some slack and grab a nap this afternoon.

That’s if the father in question can actually get up this afternoon and has sobered up enough. I very much doubt it if he was still drinking whisky at 5.00am

Honestly I agree with him. I doubt he set out to be up all night but given the way things have been it probably just turned out that way. I couldn't begrudge him one night and would have taken one for the team and made him do two mornings in a row..
I'm not sure that you getting all odd and stroppy on New Year's Day was the way I would have wanted to start the year .

But DH asked me to stay up and said he would be getting up so I can catch up on sleep.

You see, this suggests even more that he wasn't being a dick on purpose. He wanted and your company, it sounds like he was enjoying himself generally last night. It clearly wasn't the case where he wanted you packed off to bed so he could start a sesh without his nagging wife being present (I can see how dickhead husbands would think like that, I don't think this is your DH, is it?)

Honestly, you sound like you have a good relationship and that you both respect each other and treat each other well. It just sounds like there are a few niggles around compromise and flexibility and seeing things from the other's point of view.

*And if the party who is giving that little bit doesn’t realise quickly they are taken for granted, a pattern sets up where they are always the ones to accommodate the other.

It’s crap been the one who is always flexible and accommodating for the other because their partner is working hard/it’s just one night etc...*

Agree. Seen these types of post here numerous times and then the OPs being told they shouldn’t have let it continue for so long.

OP it sounds like you’re taking this personally - you say he wasn’t “upfront” but how can anyone know if they’re going to get into a roll and enjoy chatting till 5:30am on zoom? It’s very unusual even with siblings that the conversation flows that well. And this year and it being zoom I do understand why he and they would seize that opportunity and go with the flow. It’s not like they could have rescheduled for tomorrow night - if you deliberately tried to chat all night I’m sure it wouldn’t work. It sounds like you feel he lied to you or deceived you about his intentions but I don’t think he did.

My dh and I share bedtimes and wake ups 50/50 but in this situation I’d have felt pleased for him having a one off night that clearly just clicked for him & his brother and I’d have stepped in today happily then had the next two lie ins and enjoyed every moment of them.

@ArabellaScott

Yes, this shit is incredibly annoying. Because how many mothers would stay up til 5.30 drinking whisky when they have a tiny baby?

YANBU.

I agree with this.

Everyone saying, "it's New Years", well it's not a very f*ing happy new year for OP now is it. Not with still drunk hungover whiskey stinking man beast wandering about being utterly useless for the next day or more.

He could have got drunk with his DB. But he could have got less drunk. There is a happy medium.

crumble that's exactly the same as all these faux wide eyed 'I don't understand why anyone does x different to me' you may not see a night on the tiles as fun but many do and is perfectly possible o do it occasionally as a parent. In this instance the dh messed up a little by not planning it and giving his wife a heads up but it's not wrong to actually do it. Yes he owes the wife an apology and an extra lie in or whatever but its not beyond the pale.

I don't know understand this "shitty year so I need to drink" mentality.

How silly and quick to judge you are. The zoom call was the main event, OP's DH hasn't sat himself alone in a dark corner drinking from a Jack Daniels bottle. I think the drinking was totally secondary to the social nature of the night with his brother. Plenty of people go a bit over the top on NYE, parents or not!

I just don’t think if I mum stayed up getting wankered when she had a new baby to look after the responses would be so forgiving.

Btw I think you need a chat. Nit today but maybe tomorrow or the day after.

I think you need to tell what you’ve said here. That basically you know that if he is with his dbro, there is no point him giving you his word that he will stop drinking/stop at a certain time/whatever because it’s not going to happen.
That each time he does that, you feel he is going back on his word. That this is hurtful. And is denting your trust in him. (See also the fact he convinced to stay up, which was to your detriment as you knew your night would be broken)

So from now on, you will consider that evening with Dbro=drinking until 5.00am. And that you will organise your evening/time accordingly (that means not staying up until midnight when you know you will get no sleep and no help the day after).

But I think you need to look at the big picture here. How often do you accommodate what he wants to do and how often does it do that for you?
What about all the lie ins, the looking after baby whilst you do something for yourself and very sim0ly putting that child before what you want to do.
I’d review that very carefully and address it too.

Provided there was another adult in the house to care for the child it would be perfectly fine for the mum to do this.

[quote starship08]@MotherExtraordinaire

I can't really believe that you would have wanted your oh to be in charge tbh if had even only had a "few". And then if you're so "in need" of extra sleep to have negotiated this for the weekend as your oh is presumably still then off work.

He had his first beer at 7.30pm and his last at 11.50pm he’d had 7 beers in that time.
By 6am I would’ve expected him to be fine to watch his son!

I didn’t know he’d had whiskey as he opened that long after I’d gone to bed at 12.30am, and yes, after the whiskey and amount he drank, I wouldn’t want him looking after DS.

I’m not in “need” of extra sleep. It’s more the principle of what he did than the sleep!![/quote]
My lo is now school age, but I wouldn't be having anyone "in charge of my child after 7 beers, 6am or not! Nor would I get in a car with someone who had. Surely you wouldn't either?

The principle seems to almost be that you knew this would happen and set him up for this.
Why didn't you just change to the next night?
Are your principles really worth starting a new year off in this way?

Threads like this make me fume.

OP your partner needs to grow up. your childs needs dont stop just because its nye.

@CurlyhairedAssassin

I don't know understand this "shitty year so I need to drink" mentality.

How silly and quick to judge you are. The zoom call was the main event, OP's DH hasn't sat himself alone in a dark corner drinking from a Jack Daniels bottle. I think the drinking was totally secondary to the social nature of the night with his brother. Plenty of people go a bit over the top on NYE, parents or not!

I very much doubt people would be happy to hear about a new mum drinking until 5.00am, unable to look after her dc whilst not having organised anyone to look after her child.

Ah... hang on... of course in this case, the DH has. He has ASSUMED his dwife would step in instead because that’s her job inst it? So he didn’t need to think about what would happen the next day. Lucky him

@strawberrypip

Threads like this make me fume.

OP your partner needs to grow up. your childs needs dont stop just because its nye.

Seriously? Her kids needs are met. Calm down.

@OlympicProcrastinator

I just don’t think if I mum stayed up getting wankered when she had a new baby to look after the responses would be so forgiving.

as long as she wasn't breastfeeding and there was another adult in the house, what's the difference? Mothers are allowed to have a life.

It's not a normal year where it would be weird to get drunk on a zoom call.

@TonMoulin hit the nail on the head. society these days accepts this crap though and so it will continue. and then we wonder why there are so many threads about useless and abusive partners - because we literally condition women to accept that they should put up and shut up.

before anyone jumps on me literally look at the replies on this thread. absolute joke.

@Bluntness100 yes, because the childs mother will pick up the partners slack. of course.

Ah... hang on... of course in this case, the DH has. He has ASSUMED his dwife would step in instead because that’s her job inst it? So he didn’t need to think about what would happen the next day. Lucky him hmm

don't be goady.

Plenty of mothers have left the house early this morning to go for a jog, because their perfectly competent DH would take care of the kids when they wake up. There' no need to "assume" anything , in a normal relationship you don't need to draw up a formal contract detailing the itinerary of the day.

[quote strawberrypip]@TonMoulin hit the nail on the head. society these days accepts this crap though and so it will continue. and then we wonder why there are so many threads about useless and abusive partners - because we literally condition women to accept that they should put up and shut up.

before anyone jumps on me literally look at the replies on this thread. absolute joke.[/quote]
so it's fine for MOTHERS to have a life but not fathers? Don't be so silly.

I got drunk on a zoom chat last week. My
Children and 6 and 3. I didn't get up until gone 11 the next day and my husband the vast majority of the parenting/ cooking etc. It was fine.

It’s one night, I think a little more flexibility is needed. Hard and fast every other day for a lie in just doesn’t work. He had a good night with his brother, made the best of this rubbish covid situation, I couldn’t begrudge him that.

You get lie in tomorrow. Marital harmony requires give and take and compromise.

Like he was sat flipping me the finger thinking fuck your lie in, I’m gonna have my drink and enjoy myself
You are so over thinking it. He wasn't thinking, that's the issue. He relaxed and with it came the 'no thinking' which is blissful. Why are you making about wanting to punish you about something?

We're you really counting how many beers head by 11:50? It sounds like you need to chill out and let your OH have a bit if a life of his own.

@MotherExtraordinaire

My lo is now school age, but I wouldn't be having anyone "in charge of my child after 7 beers, 6am or not! Nor would I get in a car with someone who had. Surely you wouldn't either?

DH had 7 beers between 7.30pm and 12.30am.
He drinks IPA and the cans were 330ml, he wasn’t drinking pints.
That’s over a 5 hour period and he wouldn’t have been looking after DH until 5.30/6am.

What’s getting in a car got to do with anything?

where did I say it was okay for mothers but not fathers? majority of threads on here it is from women complaining at how shit their partners are, how they are doing everything around the house, how they are a man child. I see it in reality too, so unfortunately I do think statistically women are more likely to be doing the lionshare of the childcare. all I'm saying, is until excuses are stopped being made and we judge fathers in the same way it's never going to change.