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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say looking after children is too much?

912 replies

Greenfingeredsue · 31/12/2020 12:56

I can’t give any more, I’m exhausted. I’ve just told my step-daughter I can’t look after her kids again next week. My husband said we’ll have them, even though he’s at work all day and can’t help.

OP posts:
BuntysTwinkle · 31/12/2020 15:18

Some of you are way too quick to announce a drip feed. Then if people put all the info in the first post it's "tldr..."

My feeling is if the stepdaughter is at least civil and polite, the help her out. Maybe agree to some bare minimum childcare - packed lunches sent, and plonk them in front of a Disney film while you work. I know that's tantamount to child abuse for some, but I think that's bollocks.

SecretWitch · 31/12/2020 15:18

Op, you are under no obligation to care for her children. Do not let anyone try to sway you with emotional blackmail. She had those children, they are hers (and ostensibly their father’s) responsibility.

RandomUser18282 · 31/12/2020 15:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

OhCaptain · 31/12/2020 15:20

@PegasusReturns

That is for the mother to sort out. Yes it’s unfortunate, but nothing makes this OP’s responsibility or issue to resolve. She is not in a position where she can, or wants to, look after children

Yes of course the mother should sort something out but what? Realistically what can she do? There is no one else, paid childcare is virtually impossible to come by at the moment. So what is the alternative? She takes them to work? She leaves them at home?

Not OP’s concern though.
PegasusReturns · 31/12/2020 15:21

I suspect the frustration here is that OPs DP volunteered her without any consultation/consideration.

If I was in OPs shoes I’d be furious that DP thought so little of my time and job that he would give my time away like that and I wonder how much of that anger is fuelling the OPs position.

Circumlocutious · 31/12/2020 15:21

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StacySoloman · 31/12/2020 15:21

@BuntysTwinkle

Some of you are way too quick to announce a drip feed. Then if people put all the info in the first post it's "tldr..."

My feeling is if the stepdaughter is at least civil and polite, the help her out. Maybe agree to some bare minimum childcare - packed lunches sent, and plonk them in front of a Disney film while you work. I know that's tantamount to child abuse for some, but I think that's bollocks.

Not a chance my children would sit in front of a Disney movies for a solid 8 hours...
ilovemydogandMrObama · 31/12/2020 15:21

Even in my own family there is the idea that because one is physically present, their job is somehow less important if able to work from home.

So no, YANBU.

TheLeastBit · 31/12/2020 15:22

@PegasusReturns

That is for the mother to sort out. Yes it’s unfortunate, but nothing makes this OP’s responsibility or issue to resolve. She is not in a position where she can, or wants to, look after children

Yes of course the mother should sort something out but what? Realistically what can she do? There is no one else, paid childcare is virtually impossible to come by at the moment. So what is the alternative? She takes them to work? She leaves them at home?

She requests furlough due to childcare, she speaks to her child's other parent, she takes unpaid time off, she takes AL, she asks her Dad or mother for help paying for childcare if they can't physically watch her children?

I don't know what the answer is. But it's not OP losing her job to sort it out for her.

The daughter is in the same position as millions of parents right now. It's absolutely shit. But you can't rely on other people putting their own jobs at risk to provide childcare so you don't have to risk your own. It's wholly unreasonable to expect someone, family or not, to do that.

Yes I do work at home. I am sick of having to sit up half the night with it because of the constant distractions

but I will also lose mine if I can’t deliver and stick to deadlines

There is nothing more than the above that OP needs to explain. It is not possible for her to carry on with this arrangement and still work properly/at all herself. She is not available. She is not an option. The fact that the daughters options are limited doesn't magically make OP available to be one unfortunately.

Wearywithteens · 31/12/2020 15:22

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RandomUser18282 · 31/12/2020 15:22

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ThePriceIsNotRight · 31/12/2020 15:22

‘Yes of course the mother should sort something out but what? Realistically what can she do? There is no one else, paid childcare is virtually impossible to come by at the moment. So what is the alternative? She takes them to work? She leaves them at home?‘

Realistically NONE OF THIS IS OP’S RESPONSIBILITY.

What the mother can or can’t do it to be determined by the mother herself. They’re her children and her responsibility, not OP’s. That’s the bottom line, and any other information OP could give us irrelevant. She is not in any way, shape or form, obligated to look after her stepdaughter’s children. It is unreasonable to expect OP to be the one to pick up the slack.

PerveenMistry · 31/12/2020 15:23

@PegasusReturns

And OP has already explained that her job is at risk from doing this and she's previously had to work through the night

The OP hasn’t explained much at all and I doubt she will.

She’s complained of constant “distractions” and given the DC are school age I do wonder why she can’t just stick the TV on for a few days. Of course it’s not ideal but given the alternative is a single mum loses her job it seems like the best option

Where are the children's actual fathers and their relatives? Or let OP's husband take leave.
PissedOffAgain · 31/12/2020 15:23

@PegasusReturns

That is for the mother to sort out. Yes it’s unfortunate, but nothing makes this OP’s responsibility or issue to resolve. She is not in a position where she can, or wants to, look after children

Yes of course the mother should sort something out but what? Realistically what can she do? There is no one else, paid childcare is virtually impossible to come by at the moment. So what is the alternative? She takes them to work? She leaves them at home?

Well, the expectation seems to be that the OP takes the kids to work (as she's WFH) so I'm not sure why their mother can't be expected to
kowari · 31/12/2020 15:23

Keyworker care?
Does she still have a mother, a step-father? The children's father, his parents? Siblings?

withmycoffee · 31/12/2020 15:23

@Chewbecca

More information needed to be sure. How old are the DC? What hours does their mum work? Where is their Dad, what hours does he work? What hours do you work? What hours do the other GPs work?

What other options are on the table?

zero more information is needed. The OP says she can not cope. That is all we need to know. The children's parents need to figure out what to do.
Beautiful3 · 31/12/2020 15:24

You are working from home. You cannot baby sit AND work at the same time. You were right to explain that you cannot do it any more. Dont let her emotionally black mail you any more. Stay strong. Why is it more important for her to save her job, over yours?! They are her children, NOT yours. If she has to leave her job, then she can claim benefits, like I've had to.

diddl · 31/12/2020 15:26

Why does it always fall to the women-to the point of the GF volunteering his wife??

Mittens030869 · 31/12/2020 15:26

Not everyone has a list of family members they can call upon to ask for help. We don’t. My DM is fairly local, but she’s 81 and prone to bronchitis, so very much at risk from Covid. We have friends but they have their own things to cope with.

We went through this recently, because I have long Covid and my DH had to go off work sick because of stress. Thankfully, my BIL and SIL (who live 120 miles away) kindly took out DDs for a few days.

I’m not saying that the OP is unreasonable to say no, but it’s unkind to suggest her SD was using emotional blackmail; she’s clearly in a very difficult position with regards to childcare, hence her bursting into tears.

PegasusReturns · 31/12/2020 15:26

Not OP’s concern though

That’s not really how families work though is it?

Even if OP is not concerned about how her DSD feeds and houses herself, her response to this will likely have long term ramifications on her relationship with both her DSD and her DH.

kowari · 31/12/2020 15:27

Talk to the school? Are they pupil premium children? They may let them in as vulnerable in the circumstances.

GreenTiles22 · 31/12/2020 15:28

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PegasusReturns · 31/12/2020 15:29

Well, the expectation seems to be that the OP takes the kids to work (as she's WFH) so I'm not sure why their mother can't be expected to

Don’t be absurd. Hmm

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/12/2020 15:29

@PegasusReturns

Not OP’s concern though

That’s not really how families work though is it?

Even if OP is not concerned about how her DSD feeds and houses herself, her response to this will likely have long term ramifications on her relationship with both her DSD and her DH.

And man who volunteered me for wifework during my working hours would have irreparably damaged the relationship anyway.
TheLeastBit · 31/12/2020 15:29

I'm struggling to understand what ramifications would be reasonable to OPs future relationship with her DSD and DH though. SHE. IS. AT. WORK

Not everyone has family that can just provide childcare at the drop of a hat. My own mum and dad work, I can't just expect them to stop working so I can carry on.

The situation is utterly shit but it's the same for millions of parents right now.

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