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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to say looking after children is too much?

912 replies

Greenfingeredsue · 31/12/2020 12:56

I can’t give any more, I’m exhausted. I’ve just told my step-daughter I can’t look after her kids again next week. My husband said we’ll have them, even though he’s at work all day and can’t help.

OP posts:
PerveenMistry · 31/12/2020 15:07

@flattyres

But she can’t, because she is exhausted. She is not required to set herself on fire to keep someone else warm.

I really think it depends - does the OP work or is a Sahm, does she have children herself? How old are the stepchildren? A 9 or 10 year old is a lot less work than a 4 or 5 year old.

We are all exhausted. and this pandemic is really hard for lone parents. I think if the OP is not ill, not working and of the DC are very young, it would be pretty shitty not to help out. I couldn't imagine refusing to help someone in that situation.

Still not her responsibility. The mother of the children is responsible for making a plan.

DBML · 31/12/2020 15:08

Hi @Greenfingeredsue

When was the last time you took care of the children for your step daughter and what was the reason?

I’m trying to gauge whether she asks you far too frequently and for reasons that are not all that important e.g. wanting a night in for herself or to meet people for a coffee.

Usually my sister asks my parents to babysit for reasons including going on a night out or a weekend away (all fine in a normal year)...Throughout this pandemic though, she has only asked when she is desperate due to school closures and I think that makes a difference to how my parents have responded.

KarlUrbansWife · 31/12/2020 15:08

@PegasusReturns

Some posters seem to think the OP's job is less important than the step daughters. I work from home and there's no way I'd be looking after DH's grandchildren!

It’s not that her job is less important, however some jobs have a degree of flexibility involved which means that working from home whilst providing childcare is entirely possible - millions of parents and grandparents have spent the bulk of this year doing exactly that.

It’s hard work and not ideal and we’re all feeling frayed but it’s been a reality for many.

We spent the bulk of this year doing that, and it has damn near killed us both. Just because people have been doing it doesn't mean it's ok.
TheLeastBit · 31/12/2020 15:08

however some jobs have a degree of flexibility involved which means that working from home whilst providing childcare is entirely possible

And OP has already explained that her job is at risk from doing this and she's previously had to work through the night. That is not the same as a degree of flexibility and providing childcare being entirely possible...

jimmyjammy001 · 31/12/2020 15:09

I'd hate to be in your position, dh volunteering his children's kids into you, screw that! The odd occasion maybe, your step daughters kids are her responsibilitys, she should get the fathers kids to look after them if she can't, failing that her actual mum or grandparenta and if her dad can not look after them then she will need to pay for childcare she brought them into this world and needs to pay for them to be looked after if nobody else can, or she takes time off work. Don't be emotionally blackmailed and being nice and saying yes, they are taking advantage of you, you are not being selfish for syaing no, they are the ones being selfish here.

PegasusReturns · 31/12/2020 15:09

And what plan should the mother make?

There are very, very limited options available.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/12/2020 15:09

millions of parents and grandparents have spent the bulk of this year doing exactly that.

And the OP is neither. The parents and grandparents aren't volunteering.

PerveenMistry · 31/12/2020 15:10

@StacySoloman

Op doesn’t have to look after the kids.

They have a father who should after them.
They have a grandfather that should look after them.

Just because the men have refused doesn’t mean the OP has to do it.

Exactly.

TheLeastBit · 31/12/2020 15:11

@PegasusReturns

And what plan should the mother make?

There are very, very limited options available.

There are yes. I don't think anyone is suggesting it isn't shit for the daughter. But unfortunately OP isn't an option. Because she's at work...

If OP was working in an office no one would be expecting this.

Why is the location of her office relevant? She's at work.

TrialOfStyle · 31/12/2020 15:12

Neither of you are unreasonable in this situation BUT I think ultimately you are responsible for putting yourself first if that’s what you need.

Could you come to a compromise and suggest you will do it for one more week but beyond that she needs to find alternate childcare options? You shouldn’t be risking your own job in this situation, however harsh and unfair that comes across.

withmycoffee · 31/12/2020 15:12

@june2007

If she genuinly has no one else to ask then YABU, to say no. But you husband should have asked you first.
So the mum is 'totally exhausted' so the OP is being unreasonable in saying no even though the Op herself is 'totally exhausted'? How does that work?
ThornAmongstRoses · 31/12/2020 15:13

YANBU at all OP!!!!

paisleybandana · 31/12/2020 15:13

@Dropdeadfred2

Could your step daughter ask to be furloughed due to childcsre issues?? Could you possibly agree to maybe 1 or 2 days not the whole week?
Yes, why can't she request to be furloughed? What is her job?

I can't imagine asking grandparents to watch my child when said grandparent needs to work!

bluebeck · 31/12/2020 15:14

OP IS WORKING!!!!!!!

That feels better Grin

Calmandmeasured1 · 31/12/2020 15:14

@flattyres
We are all exhausted. and this pandemic is really hard for lone parents. I think if the OP is not ill, not working and of the DC are very young, it would be pretty shitty not to help out. I couldn't imagine refusing to help someone in that situation.
We ate not all exhausted. Speak for yourself. The OP has said she can't cope. They are finding it too much and it is not for you to judge. If she can't cope then she is right to say no.

Anyway, the OP's husband should not volunteer her to look after his grandchildren. What a cf. I would be so mad at my husband if he did this knowing I was struggling. It just shows where his wife is in the pecking order.

OP, don't feel bad for struggling. If your SDD wants to cry about it then just let her cry. She's a grown up.

TheLeastBit · 31/12/2020 15:14

The annoying thing is I strongly suspect if OP was DSDs mother, no one would be saying she was unreasonable.

How many times do people go on about not relying on grandparents for childcare etc... On here?

Yet when it's a step mother it's totally fine for her to work herself to the bone through the night, risking losing her own job, because her husband has offered to help at no actual cost to himself.

diddl · 31/12/2020 15:14

@Greenfingeredsue

DH is an NHS worker and says he can’t.
Has he even bothered to find out?
ThePriceIsNotRight · 31/12/2020 15:14

‘And what plan should the mother make?

There are very, very limited options available.‘

That is for the mother to sort out. Yes it’s unfortunate, but nothing makes this OP’s responsibility or issue to resolve. She is not in a position where she can, or wants to, look after children.

PegasusReturns · 31/12/2020 15:14

And OP has already explained that her job is at risk from doing this and she's previously had to work through the night

The OP hasn’t explained much at all and I doubt she will.

She’s complained of constant “distractions” and given the DC are school age I do wonder why she can’t just stick the TV on for a few days. Of course it’s not ideal but given the alternative is a single mum loses her job it seems like the best option

withmycoffee · 31/12/2020 15:15

@PegasusReturns

And what plan should the mother make?

There are very, very limited options available.

you appear to being saying this as if it is therefore the OP/stepmum's responsibility even though she also has work and is also exhausted. Why do you feel this way? Also, why are you not suggesting, i dunno....that the kids FATHER helps or even the GRANDFATHER (ie the OP's husband and actual grandparent) rather than dumping all responsibility on the OP?
LH1987 · 31/12/2020 15:16

I have a small child and I have already decided I will not look after her children 😂

TheLeastBit · 31/12/2020 15:17

@PegasusReturns

And OP has already explained that her job is at risk from doing this and she's previously had to work through the night

The OP hasn’t explained much at all and I doubt she will.

She’s complained of constant “distractions” and given the DC are school age I do wonder why she can’t just stick the TV on for a few days. Of course it’s not ideal but given the alternative is a single mum loses her job it seems like the best option

The OP has said her job is at risk if she doesn't meet deadlines and that she has previously had to work through the night because if the constant distractions.

What about that ^^ suggests that she is able to just stick the kids in front of the telly and get on with it.

She doesn't need to explain anything else. Most reasonable people can read that and understand it's not a sustainable position to put another person in.

iwishiwasatcentralperk · 31/12/2020 15:17

YANBU OP. Where are the other people who could help? If you are SM then is there a mother, grandparents, father of children etc? What are they all up to? Your DH should not have offered if he is unable to help himself.

I do feel sorry for your SD though. As a single parent myself it has been very hard during the past year with no extra support and shielding parents.

However, if you are working and missing your own deadlines, then you cannot help her.

She could ask her employer to furlough her for a couple of weeks, has she tried that? They do not have to agree to though, it is entirely up to them, but childcare is one of the allowable reasons.

RandomUser18282 · 31/12/2020 15:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

PegasusReturns · 31/12/2020 15:18

That is for the mother to sort out. Yes it’s unfortunate, but nothing makes this OP’s responsibility or issue to resolve. She is not in a position where she can, or wants to, look after children

Yes of course the mother should sort something out but what? Realistically what can she do? There is no one else, paid childcare is virtually impossible to come by at the moment. So what is the alternative? She takes them to work? She leaves them at home?