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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say looking after children is too much?

912 replies

Greenfingeredsue · 31/12/2020 12:56

I can’t give any more, I’m exhausted. I’ve just told my step-daughter I can’t look after her kids again next week. My husband said we’ll have them, even though he’s at work all day and can’t help.

OP posts:
Anotherdayanother2 · 31/12/2020 15:30

If she wasn't a 'step' daughter would you say no to your own daughter?

pinkyredrose · 31/12/2020 15:30

Where's the kid's father, does he not take on at least half of the childcare?

ThePriceIsNotRight · 31/12/2020 15:31

‘That’s not really how families work though is it?

Even if OP is not concerned about how her DSD feeds and houses herself, her response to this will likely have long term ramifications on her relationship with both her DSD and her DH.‘

Any husband and stepdaughter that felt themselves entitled to my time, to my detriment, could feel as badly towards me as they liked, because the feeling would be quite mutual.

TheLeastBit · 31/12/2020 15:31

Families work by offering help they are able to offer.

Unfortunately this family isn't able to offer childcare. Maybe they can help in other ways like collecting groceries, DSDs dad could help her financially with childcare instead etc...? It's not unreasonable to not offer something you're unable to do? Family or not.

SecretWitch · 31/12/2020 15:32

Again, not the step grandmother’s concern. Where are the other four grandparents? The children’s father? ...

If my husband “volunteered” my services without consulting me I would be furious and tell him to remedy the problem on his own.

PegasusReturns · 31/12/2020 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Quotes a deleted post.

StephenBelafonte · 31/12/2020 15:33

Your DH was incredibly rude to volunteer you without checking it was ok first.

RandomUser18282 · 31/12/2020 15:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

MotherExtraordinaire · 31/12/2020 15:35

Surely there's a Compromise or middle ground you could both find?

Her as a lone parent losing her job will presumably have far bigger ramifications for her and her children than you?

I wonder if you'd have assisted if it were your biological daughter?

Surely, if you, sd and your oh collaborated you could find a way of making it work for a couple of weeks and then review? Worst case she may need to request furloughing.

PegasusReturns · 31/12/2020 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Runnerduck34 · 31/12/2020 15:36

I think in the circumstances for 1week I would do my best to help. However your DH shouldn't say yes without asking you first unless he is the one looking after them! Can he book any time off work?
If you really struggle to cope with them could you offer part of the week and your step daughter take some annual leave too?

RandomUser18282 · 31/12/2020 15:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Mittens030869 · 31/12/2020 15:38

I’m really not saying that the OP is wrong to say no (and her DH was cheeky to volunteer her), but her lack of compassion for her SD’s situation was quite telling.

It’s clear (from what she herself says) that there is no one else, so I don’t know why posters keep suggesting that there must be closer family. You do realise that this isn’t the case for a lot of us people?

Indecisivelurcher · 31/12/2020 15:38

Gosh, I feel for you both but I think more for your step daughter. Depending on some variables. If she has to physically go to work, she must be well stuffed. Do you work full time? Could you help with a couple of days or half days? What age are the kids? How able are they to entertain themselves? Is there a medical reason you're so exhausted you can't have them at all? Have you worked all weekend?

I think if I was her and couldn't rely on grandparents then I'd tap up friends to see if anyone could form a childcare bubble with me, and then pay them. She can't swap and change between people, it's you guys or someone else, full stop, no swapping in between. So then that means you and your husband not seeing them.

If she can work at home with the kids then that's different. Then your help around your own work hours would be just that, help, and not essential. And she'll have to do it.

ConfusedcomMum · 31/12/2020 15:40

I really think in cases like this, schools may allow an exception. Ours had spaces left during the first lockdown and requested that any parents who were really struggling could contact them for the few spaces that were left.

Circumlocutious · 31/12/2020 15:40

@PegasusReturns

Families work by offering help they are able to offer

I’m pretty certain that the OP is the sort of miserable woman that offers nothing. Ever. Do read her thread on the neighbours extension.

It’s pointless because you want to give a genuine perspective on an AIBU a thread, but then you look into the poster’s history and now what they say clearly has no credibility...
Indecisivelurcher · 31/12/2020 15:41

To be honest I think saying you can't do it because you're exhausted sucks, unless you're ill. If my step dad said that to me it would irreparably damage my relationship with him. Saying its difficult having them around work is different. And being flexible to do what you can. Families muck in. Unless your family is different.

diddl · 31/12/2020 15:42

"I’m pretty certain that the OP is the sort of miserable woman that offers nothing. Ever. Do read her thread on the neighbours extension."

So that applies to the father & other GPs as well as they also seem to be offering fuck all!

All though we do know that Op has helped so far-has anyone else??

PerveenMistry · 31/12/2020 15:42

@PegasusReturns

Not OP’s concern though

That’s not really how families work though is it?

Even if OP is not concerned about how her DSD feeds and houses herself, her response to this will likely have long term ramifications on her relationship with both her DSD and her DH.

Her husband doesn't seem too worried about the impact of voluntelling her to do free childcare at the expense of her own job and mental health.

Single parents got themselves into their situations, usually via poor choices, and need to own it and find their own solutions. Not constantly expect others to sacrifice on their behalf.

PerveenMistry · 31/12/2020 15:43

@Indecisivelurcher

To be honest I think saying you can't do it because you're exhausted sucks, unless you're ill. If my step dad said that to me it would irreparably damage my relationship with him. Saying its difficult having them around work is different. And being flexible to do what you can. Families muck in. Unless your family is different.

Maybe the OP is too tapped out & fed up to care.

PegasusReturns · 31/12/2020 15:43

pegasus why should the OP look after her step daughters grandchildren at the risk of losing her own job? Please explain this to me as I’m obviously missing something

  1. Because I don’t believe she is at risk of losing her job. I don’t believe her DH would have suggested it if that was remotely true.
  1. Because in shit situations families pull together
  1. Because now I’ve been reminded of her previous thread I think the OP has ishoos and would find a reason not to help anyone even if it was no bother to her at all.
TheLeastBit · 31/12/2020 15:44

@Indecisivelurcher

To be honest I think saying you can't do it because you're exhausted sucks, unless you're ill. If my step dad said that to me it would irreparably damage my relationship with him. Saying its difficult having them around work is different. And being flexible to do what you can. Families muck in. Unless your family is different.
Perhaps she's exhausted because she's had to stay up half the night to do her job she's at risk of losing because she's been looking after the children?

If you were mad at your step dad for that I'd think you were very entitled indeed!

pinkyredrose · 31/12/2020 15:45

Her as a lone parent losing her job will presumably have far bigger ramifications for her and her children than you?

How do you know that? If the step daughter loses her job she can get benefits, she won't be homeless. The OP could've worked many yrs in her career to get where she is, why should she risk that?

PurpleDaisies · 31/12/2020 15:46

her lack of compassion for her SD’s situation was quite telling.

Or she’s reached compassion fatigue because she’s so utterly exhausted.

LindaEllen · 31/12/2020 15:47

YANBU and your husband has no right to offer up your services. Looking after her children would be lovely of you, but he needs to be there too to make things easier.